Fuck the drinks. Without saying a word, I stand to leave–what feels like my only defense.
He quickly grabs my elbow to stop me. “Please, don’t run; I just wanted to say hi, Red.” He looks down to where he’s touching me, no doubt feeling the current surging between us. “It’s been a long time, and I was hoping that we could at least be civil.”
I let out a heavy sigh, probably the same breath I have been holding since I first heard his voice. “You’re right. It has been a long time, and we’re both adults at a public function, so...” I move to shake his hand. “It was good to see you, too; I hope you enjoy your evening.”
Holy shit, look at me! Not only do I have the big girl panties on, but I’m pretty sure if Jen just saw that extreme act of confidence, she would have pissed hers.
“Since we’re being mature adults this evening, could I please have the next dance?” he asks and smiles brightly. I can tell he’s trying to present himself with his usual cocky demeanor, but I can see some self-doubt in his eyes, fear that I’ll reject him.
I turn my back, but he grabs my hand before I can take a step. “Please,” he whispers. I drop my head, and for a moment, I think of all the pain this man caused. Then I push it away, if only for one dance. After giving him a small nod of my head, he leads me onto the dance floor.
Brooks wraps me up into his arms, arms that used to be the best place in the world, arms that eventually betrayed me. He pulls me close and breathes in my hair like he used to. My stomach begins to flutter, and I don’t want to even think about the carnival ride in my panties. Damn you, vagina! You have betrayed me, too. Traitor.
We move together, perfectly matched to the music. Our bodies join in a cohesive movement, but I can’t let my mind go there. He is the enemy; he shattered me, and given the chance, he would probably do it again.
“So your date looks nice. Girlfriend or plaything?” I ask him, regaining some of my hostility. I know that my comment is below the belt, but does he really think that a dance will change what he did to me? Does he think that ten years will wipe away the memory of his disloyalty?
He disappoints me by not playing into the grudge match I am hoping for. “She’s just an acquaintance. I didn’t want to come here alone, and she volunteered to be my date.”
“I bet she did,” I say with a huff. “I can only imagine the other things she would volunteer to do for you.”
“Are you jealous, Red?”
I look up and narrow my eyes at him, trying not to waver. “Fuck no, I just feel sorry for her.” He tilts his head to the side in his lack of understanding, and I have no problem clarifying for him. “You’re a tornado, Brooks. You slam through women with little regard for what happens to them afterwards, and it’s obvious that she has not been on the tail end of that destruction yet. But at some point, she’ll feel exactly the same as I did once.”
I hold his glare, hoping he feels every bit of what he did to me. Shame fills his eyes, and he lowers his forehead to mine. “I’m sorry for everything, Viv. All I ever wanted to do was keep you safe, even if it meant not being with me,” he whispers.
“Keep me safe!” I shout, pulling away from him. “How does cheating on me keep me safe?”
His eyes go wide, and then he pulls me to him, tangling me in his arms. “I have nothing to say but I’m sorry; Will was the better man, is the better man. I didn’t deserve you.”
I sigh, “You’re right; Will was the better man, and if he were alive, he would still be the better man, because no matter what the reason, he would never have hurt me the way you did.”
Brooks stiffens and drops his arms from around me; he takes a step back, and I can see tears forming in his eyes. “What do you mean, if he were alive?”
I can barely hear him over the music; his eyes are searching mine, looking for comfort. I know that I’m about to crush him. No matter how it ended, Will was Brooks’ friend in college. For him to not know, and not get the chance to attend the funeral, will hurt him. I lower my head and try to pull together my shaky ragged breaths.
I finally look up and nod. “He died last year in a car accident. We moved to Denver after everything was settled. I’m sorry I didn’t contact you; I just couldn’t, Brooks. You being there would have made it even harder to get through.”
Brooks balls his fists, and I see he is trying desperately to hold together his emotions. “I understand,” he says with a curt nod.
The tears that I had been holding back begin to slide down my cheeks. The last thing I wanted was for Brooks to see me cry, but talking about Will caught me off-guard. I take a deep cleansing breath to regain my poise.
Just when I think that I have my emotions under control, Brooks steps forward, runs his hands into my hair, and leans in cheek-to-cheek. I hear him breathing heavily into my ear, and for a moment, I let myself relax into his comfort. He is letting me collect myself, and I’m giving him the moment to grieve.
“Oh, Clover, I’m so sorry,” he whispers. That one comment snaps me out of the warm abyss of our embrace. I place my hands on his chest and push him away.
“I’m not Clover anymore. I’m not your Clover anymore; you ruined that.” My anguish that has twisted into anger is boiling. The sound of a name that represents my previous life with him has turned my veins to ice. “You don’t ever get to call me that again; you shattered that girl, and I’ll never be her again.”
My hands are shaking with adrenalin, and my tears are now dried streaks on my face. I turn away from him before he can say another word, walk as quickly as I can to my group’s table to collect my purse, and bolt towards the exit.
Thankfully, Brooks doesn’t follow me. No one does. I climb into my car and sit in the driver’s seat, desperately trying to steady my breathing. Pulling out my cell phone, I text Jen that I’m leaving.
Jen: We’re gathering our stuff. We can leave with u. Do Carly and I need to put into effect Operation Brooks’ Balls Smash before we head out?
Me: No, but thx. I’m ok. I just want to go home and go to bed. U guys just stay and have fun; I’ll see u at the coffee shop in the morning.
Jen: Ok, babe. If ur sure, see u in the am. <3 u!
Me: <3 u 2.
After I text the final message to Jen, I throw my phone into my purse and hail a cab to go home. Everyone is asleep, and I’m able to easily escape to my room once I get home. I don’t even bother changing clothes; I just slip off my shoes and collapse into bed, pulling the duvet over my head.
My hope is that when I wake up, the past four hours will have never existed, and I will get a complete do-over–one that doesn’t include Brooks Ryan.
Vivian
Amanda is planning to take the kids out for breakfast, so I am able to sleep in before getting ready for coffee with the girls. I shower, throw on some yoga pants and a sweatshirt, and toss my wet hair into a messy bun on top of my head. I’m in no mood to impress anyone this morning, and if my guess is correct, I will be the most dressed up of the three of us.
A Scone’s Throw, our favorite little coffee shop, is just a five-minute walk from my house, so I slip into my sneakers, swipe on a little strawberry lip-gloss to complete the look, and start my walk toward what I assume will be a friendly inquisition.
The coffee house is packed to the brim with morning caffeine junkies in need of their espresso fix to function through their various Saturday activities. I wait in line for my white chocolate mocha and raspberry scone, and find that Jen and Carly are already sitting at our usual table in the back of the store.
The scene before me is quite pitiful, and I can only shake my head at the pair as I approach the table. Jen is rubbing her temples, and her eyes are closed like she is trying to meditate her hangover away. Carly, on the other hand, looks as though she has completely given in to hers. Her arms are folded on the tabletop, and her head is resting on her forearms, completely hiding her face from public judgment.
“Wow, I’m glad I left when I did,” I say as I take a seat. “I t
hink I saved myself from the pure hell that it looks like you two are experiencing right now.”
“Shhh, not so loud,” Jen mutters. “I would chop off my own head to save myself from this misery if I could.”
“That bad, huh?” I laugh.
Jen finally opens her eyes, but continues to rub her head. “I’m not as bad as Carly; she threw up for an hour after we got home last night.”
I look over to Carly, who still has not moved. She finally turns her head, remaining on her arms, and croaks out a defense. “True, and Jen wouldn’t even hold my hair back. She just gave me a ponytail holder and bottle of water, and told me ‘good luck with that.’”
“Hey, you both know I’m a sympathetic puker,” Jen insists. “We all know that the caretaker role is your job, Viv. I did the best I could with what I had.”
“Well, if we ever decide to revisit our youth again, I’ll be sure to be available for hair holding and aspirin retrieval,” I tease.
Jen takes a huge gulp of her venti cappuccino and then sits back in her chair, slouching her shoulders to settle in for what will be the inquiry of my life. Carly has since removed her arms from under her head, and has let her face settle on the tabletop, letting her breath fog over the Formica.
“Ok, chica, spill it.”
“It was nothing, guys. Brooks showed up at the bar and asked me to dance. We agreed to disagree on the fact that he’s an asshole, I told him about Will, I had a brief meltdown, and then I left.”
Jen scowls at me, and I can tell that the short version of the story is not going to cut it for her. I sigh, feeling an emotional hangover coming on.
“I don’t want to make a big deal out of it, okay? Besides, I’ll probably never see him again. I said all the things that I needed to say ten years ago but never got the chance to, and now I’m over it. I refuse to let it bother me anymore.”
Finally showing signs of life, Carly pops her head up and props her chin on her palm. “What did you say? Did the piece of shit even care what you had to say?”
“He just said that he was sorry, and that he was trying to protect me.”
“What?” Carly exclaims. “Protect you from what, gonorrhea? Because I wouldn’t doubt it if that slut Amber had some kind of STD.”
“It’s been a freaking decade; I shouldn’t be conflicted by this anymore. I don’t know what it is about him, but for some damn reason, whenever I’m near him, I let my guard down, and time and time again, he just slices me open and lets my heart spill out. The jerk called me Clover; can you believe the nerve?”
Carly and I turn our attention to Jen, who is staring out the window like she has completely zoned out of the conversation. “Really, you have nothing to say Jen? You were the kick-him-the-nuts-mission co-founder last night, and this morning you aren’t going to chime in on this special edition of Brooks bashing?” Carly inquires.
Jen turns her head to looks at us. “Did he really call you Clover?” she quietly asks. Her sullen expression has my nerves on edge.
“Yes, why?” I rasp out slowly.
Jen looks down at the table, refusing to meet my eyes. Her uneasy behavior has me freaking out; my stomach is beginning to tie itself in knots. I slide to the edge of my chair and lean towards her. “What the hell is going on, Jen?” I demand.
She rubs her eyes with the heels of her hands and takes a deep breath. Fuck, I know this move; this is Jen gearing up to shake our world.
“I need to tell you something, but I need you to hear me out before you say anything.”
“Okay, start talking.”
“I’ve kept this secret for a long time. At first, I believed Brooks was protecting you; then when you married Will, I didn’t think it mattered anymore. But things are different now. Will is gone and I know that Brooks loves you; he probably never stopped loving you.”
“What are you talking about? He doesn’t love me; people in love don’t cheat. When you really want someone, you don’t want someone else,” I argue.
“He never cheated, Viv!” Jen shouts, cutting off my rant.
“Um, I’m sorry, did the lemon drops kill one too many brain cells last night? Jen, you were there; we all were. We all saw Amber walk out of his room.” I feel my temper brewing below the surface, and I have to force myself to keep calm and lower my voice.
Giving me a second to recover, Carly begins a round of questioning. “You’re going to have to explain why you think he didn’t cheat, Jen; he never put up even a little bit of a fight.”
Jen lets out a deep exhale, her eyes on me pleading for understanding. “After everything hit the fan, and Will had you settled in your room, I went back to Brooks’ dorm to bitch him out, and possibly punch out a few teeth. When I barged through the door, I found him sitting on the couch crying…crying, Viv. I asked him how he could throw it all away, and he told me he lied. That he set the whole thing up to make it look like he cheated.”
I can’t believe what’s coming out of her mouth; it doesn’t make sense, and I’m starting to feel like my best friend got played.
“Oh, Jen, that sounds absolutely ridiculous. Why would anyone do something like that?” Apparently, Carly and I are on the same page.
“If he didn’t love me and want to be with me, why not just tell me? Why go to all the trouble of breaking my heart? That’s just fucking cruel.”
“I know, Viv. I know. I didn’t understand at first either.”
“Okay, well, explain.”
“He said if you found out who he really was, it would hurt worse than anything he did that night. He said he needed you to stay away from him in order to protect you. He knew that cheating was a deal-breaker for you, but he could never actually go through with being unfaithful to you. He said it was going to be bad enough that he would make you believe he did, and he would lose you. He thought he was keeping you safe from something; I don’t know what he was hiding, but I figured it was bad if he was willing to go to the extent he did to keep it from you.”
Tears are stinging my eyes; my throat begins to tighten, but the rest of my body is numb. I’m in disbelief that my best friend would keep this from me. She saw what he did to me, how long it took me to trust again, to love again. For months, I questioned what was wrong with me. I struggled with the thought that my past had damaged me so badly, that Brooks felt he had to run from me, and that he found me undeserving of his loyalty and love. How could she let me continue to believe that, when with a few words she could have restored my confidence?
“Why?” I struggle with the word, and it’s all I’m able to say. My heart and head are raging a massive war with raw emotions of anger, betrayal, hurt, and, to some degree, relief, churning around me. I feel my face warming, and my stomach is unbearably twisting.
“I’m so sorry, Vivian,” she says, shaking her head, panic written all over her face.
I turn my head away from her; I can’t look at her. “Why?” I repeat.
“He begged me not to tell you the truth; he felt it was best that you stayed away from him. Whatever he was going through would have hurt you, and I believed him. Then once you and Will got together, I thought that you had moved on and it didn’t really matter anymore. I didn’t think that you would ever see him again, and he would just be some asshole ex-boyfriend we could add to the dickhead list.”
“But you knew he would probably be there last night; didn’t you think that that piece of information would have been useful for me to know? I treated him horribly; I said terrible things to him. It’s pretty shitty to find out that I’ve hated him, and wasted this hurt and energy on a fucking lie.”
“When you said that he called you Clover, I knew, Viv. This was never over for him, and he still loves you. I’m sorry; I just couldn’t keep the secret anymore.”
I push my chair back and stand, gathering my satchel and coffee. “I need to go. I’ll text you later; I just can’t talk to you about this right now.”
“Please don’t leave, Vivian. We can’t leave it like this,”
Carly interjects. Jen sits quietly with her head down, and it’s just as well; I don’t want to hear anything else she has to say right now.
“I can’t; I promise I’ll call. I just need to be alone right now and process this fucking shit storm that I walked through this morning.”
I fight my way through the remaining coffee crowd and escape through the front doors. Once outside, I let the sunlight hit my face and take in the crisp morning air, appreciating every bit of it as I take long breaths of it into my lungs.
Turning towards home, I slowly begin to make the trek. I let the words rattle around my head until they pound into my skull with every step. He never cheated. Step. He was protecting you. Step. My best friend lied to me. Step, step.
How can karma be this twisted? I must have been a major bitch in a past life; maybe I was an Amber, and this is my reincarnation punishment. Instead of sending her back as a cockroach, nope, send her back as Vivian Matthews and fuck up her shit.
I turn my five-minute walk into thirty, and Amanda’s car is in the driveway by the time I get home. I scrub my hands over my face, clearing away any signs of the tears I shed throughout my excruciating morning. I may fool my munchkins, but my red swollen eyes and runny nose will surely give me away to Amanda, and it’s August, so I can’t exactly blame the weather.
I take a deep breath, clear my mind of the drama, and push open the large mahogany door that will lead me to the two bright stars I have in my cataclysmic mess of life.
“Momma, you’re home!” they shout, running towards me.
I smile, and my world becomes right again, at least for the moment.
Brooks
I’m sitting with my morning coffee on the back deck, letting the voices in my head invade my every thought. I live far enough away from town that I’m allotted a certain amount of solitude, and this morning I’m grateful for it. The sun has just come up over the horizon and the bright pinks of the morning light are a welcome sight to ease my melancholy mood. I don’t usually wake up this early, not since my little girl started sleeping through the night, but my mind has been plagued with the regrets of my past, and it has negatively impacted my sleep.
Forgive Us Our Trespasses Page 14