by L Johnson
It took forty-five minutes. I had tossed my cell phone out the window out of fear that they could be tracking me through it. I looked a horrible mess. My eyes were red from tears, the reality of everything. It had been a year and my life was completely different from what it had been. It now was a perfectly sculptured mess.
I parked the car and there was no sign that anyone was here at all. There was not a car in sight. I hopped out of the car and looked all around. “LUCAS!!” I yelled. My voice echoed. “Lucas!”
There was nothing except nature. I could hear nothing but the stupid fucking birds chirping and the water crashing on the rocks below me. I wept, my tears streamed down my face. I sat down on the damp floor and screamed. All of my anger and grief poured out and it was what I needed. There was too much bottled in me.
“Now what are you crying for love?” I heard his stupid accent behind me and my heart skipped a beat or two. “There are wild animals out here love.”
“Baby!” My arms wrapped around his neck and I exhaled. “I thought...” I wiped my face. “What the fuck happened?”
“Such dirty words, I love the influence I’ve had on you.” He kissed my cheek. “Come on, I can't stand out here.” He whispered. “There is a house unoccupied about a half mile out… can you walk that far?”
“Yeah...”
“Good come on, no one followed you out here right?”
I nodded and gripped his hand. “We have to talk.”
“In the house please.”
The small white house was comfy and apparently belonged to a family that never spent time here. It was spotless and barely furnished. I sat down on the only couch in it and looked at Lucas. “What happened?”
“There is something in me that no one can understand Cypress.”
“I get it.”
“You don't and you never will.” He snapped. “I can't stop myself sometimes and it has become my downfall. I couldn't leave America with Persephone still alive. I felt like if I did… I would have come back to finish. So I offed her.”
The remorse was not there. His eyes were cold. “Why?”
“I can't explain. I don't know how to explain it to you. Perhaps this is why my father never got too close to my mom. I can't stop. It's addicting and like an addict was feening for that feeling…”
“We can still leave.”
“Interpol would be on me before I made it anywhere. I'm done.”
“Done?”
“Dead, might as well be.” He shrugged. “I wanted to talk to you before talking to you alone is not a privilege.”
“What do you mean?”
“Just listen...”
I could hear the sirens as they whaled somewhere nearby. There was something in his eyes that I had not yet seen before. It was fear. He was terrified. He stared at me. “What is it?”
He slid against the wall. “I never wanted any of this shit to happen the way it did. I would have never planned a future for us elsewhere if I had not been wanting to include myself.”
“Then why did you do it?”
“I'm a monster.” He mumbled. “You...” his word lingered in the air and the room filled with sirens. “When my mom died...” He paused. “I felt for the first time in years. Have you ever heard of asperatus clouds?”
I paused. “No Luke, I haven't. What do they have to do with anything?”
“The clouds filled the skies in Cumbria and the welled up like waves in the sky and the skies began to cry. This woman was so loved that even the earth literally wept for her.” the streams of tears swam down his face. “They mourned her death and she was remembered as the flower lady on the corner of Magna Avenue.”
“Luke.”
“Shut it for one bloody moment Cypress.” His face was red. “I won't be remembered as the man you loved. I won't be remembered for being Nathaniel and Willow's father or the guy who wrote a best seller. I killed 54 people.”
My spine grew rigid. “Don't tell me anymore.”
“I love you and I don't want Nathaniel to remember me as the man that was a monster that you see in movies. So do me a favor, Forget me.” Tears streamed from his face and I jumped at his words. “I'm so sorry that you had to find out who I was. I'm sorry that there was something for you to find out.”
“I don't… I will mourn you Lucas… but you aren't dying.”
“I want you to go before they get here. If you are caught with me then they'll count you as an accessory. You need to be a mother to our kids. And not associated with any of this shit. So get out.”
“No.”
“I didn't ask you Cypress! Get the fuck out of here!” He grabbed me by my arm. “Leave, before your fate is worse than mine.” His lips crashed into mine and their desperation that bled through. “Please, don't make it hard.”
I clung to him. “Don't be mean to me. Just let me stay.”
“Listen to reason. Get out!” He yelled.
I stepped towards the door. “Okay, I love you.”
“I love you.” He shook his head. “Go to the right and circle around to your car. Get out of here and don't look back.”
“Tell me you won't do anything stupid?”
“I won't.”
I ran through the forest blindly to the right coming out beside my car and my hands shook. I could hear the cops as they closed on the house, pangs of gunfire everywhere and then there was silence, followed by a loud explosion as the yellow flames appeared in my rear view window.
Epilogue
Cypress
Ireland was a good idea. The lush green and water surrounding us was what I needed. Because there was no peace for me in America. They'd found his body burned to a crisp by an explosion that was still being investigated and I wanted nothing to do with it anymore. Five agonizing months had passed and Nathaniel had learned to crawl successfully. He had now started the terror on the house. He destroyed everything in his path much like his father and Willow, well Ashe rarely let her out of his sights. He'd found a university to teach at and had an apartment in town. I think for once he had found some kind of happiness.
I doubted that I would ever find happiness again. The words of the letter that Lucas had mailed prior to his death had lingered over and over in my head.
My Love,
It's funny how the mind works. Everyone thinks differently. And my mind tends to think so differently that it poses as a danger to us both. There are things that I can never tell you. I guess it's true the only emotions that linger in me are those regarding you. There is love, hope, joy, trust, friendship, but mostly there is fear. I fear that you cannot accept me for who I am and who would. I am bat shit crazy, perhaps more than you tend to believe. So I have to leave you and I know that this will make you incomplete, and love that is not my intentions. I searched my whole entire life to feel something rather than the monster that dwells inside. And you have given me the ability to feel and for that I am forever grateful. The monster, which is me, tends to be selfish, but this I am doing for you is selfless. I love you forever and always and there is not one thing that can change it. Promise to keep me in your heart and I swear to leave you with a slice of mine.
Yours Truly, Lucas.
He was truly mine and it made getting over it impossible. Especially when Nathaniel was his look-a-alike in more ways than one. The waves of the sea crashed on the beach nearby, but were not close enough for me to worry about the kids. Willow rolled around on her blanket, her tight sandy blonde hair was untamed like mine and they were starting to take their true forms.
“It still amazes me that the sound of the beach is like music to your ears.” Declan's voice said from behind me.
“What are you doing here?” I hugged his neck and closed the book that was clasped in my hand.
“I was in the country for a while. Looks like I'll be here with Nadine. That fall, she took a few weeks back has her worried out of her mind.”
“Yeah, we go there every morning. I've gotten quite good at Chess. I hate the game,
but anything to keep her from killing me.” The ritual was one she had with Callum but Callum was always on the go. He had taken Lucas death extremely hard. As did Mark, who disappeared right after the funeral. He sent letters and video messaged Nathaniel and Willow quite often.
“How are you?”
“Uhm, well as I can be. The family loves me which is good because I think mine hates me.”
“I doubt it.” He sat down on the towel next to me and watched as the kids played. “I hate I missed most of my kids growing up.” He touched Willow's hand and w3iped the sand from her palm.
“Well, they turned out good.”
“All but one,” He shook his head. “You got some mail in the house. I can keep an eye on these two if you want me to?”
“Perfect, I was expecting some books to arrive today.” I hustled to the cottage and tossed my old book to the table. There was no mail here at all. But I could easily see that the place needed a little tender love and care. The toys covered most of the floor and the clothes were mixed in there occasionally. I picked up a few of the toys and prayed that Declan had not seen any of the shit tossed on the floor.
“I love the way you look when you are cleaning love...”
It almost sounded like Lucas, the British accent was thick and perfect alot like his. But I was sure there was more of an Irish accent shooting out. I turned around, expecting Callum but it wasn't. His hair was all gone. There was just a short sex hair look. And his eyes were bright. It was Lucas.
Author’s Notes:
Thank you so much for the taking the time out of your life to read my book! I am so thrilled to finally be able to share my story with someone other myself! Your support means everything to me and I honestly cannot thank you enough! If you are interested in more of this family’s story, there will be more from this series released very soon! I’ve actually added a playlist of the songs that truly inspired me to write! In order to keep up with news about the release dates and other works, please add me as a friend on Facebook! My name is LR Johnson on there as well! Not to mention you can go like my Author page on Facebook and add me on Goodreads to keep yourself updated as well! Thanks once again for all your support!
Happy Reading!!
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Music to Read By Playlist:
Monster: Mumford and Sons
Not About Angels: Birdy
I Found: Amber Run
Work Song: Hozier
Make it Rain: Ed Sheeran
If I Could Fly: One Direction
Can’t Let Go: Adele
Let it Go: James Bay
Move Together: James Bay
Little Things: James Bay
My Love Will Never Die: Hozier
Gravity: Sara Bareilles
The Words: Christina Perri
A Message: Coldplay
Unsteady: X Ambassadors
Resolution: Matt Corby
This Time: Jarryd James
Bloom: The Paper Kites
Only Love: Mumford and Sons
The Parting Glass: Ed Sheeran
Meet Me in the Middle: Jessi Ware
Little Things: One Direction
Brother: Matt Corby
Here is a Sneak Peek from:
Havoc
Promise to keep me in your heart and I swear to leave you with a slice of mine. The last line of his letter loomed in my memory over and over. I could hear those words on in my mind even though he never said to me. I was haunted by Lucas daily by my children. They grew more and more like Lucas each and every day. I wanted to scream. I needed to break free, but there was nothing that I could do besides grieve silently. His family had already decided that I was fragile. His grandmother, Nadine had made it her goal in life to keep me busy. She planned something every day and if I wasn’t busy she would stop and talk.
It was too no surprise that she knew so much about life and there was enough wisdom in her to teach classes. She had a rough life and had raised a family with someone so similar to Lucas it scared me. George Elledge was a force to be reckoned with even in his old age he demanded respect. The fear the town had for him showed when his name was mentioned. He was more domineering than his grandson, but I could see the inner workings.
Wicklow, Ireland was the most beautiful place I had ever seen. The house on the beach had been Lucas’ idea. He wanted to be close to his family, but far off enough to feel distant. The view of the Atlantic Ocean done it. The waters were a dazzling blue year round and though they were colder in the incoming winter months. It’s what I looked forward to the most. Freezing waters and silent nights. The children were dressed and loaded in Nadine’s car. I had convinced myself that I could go out for a night on the town. The town was small but the pubs were plenty. It was all I needed. I hadn’t had a drink since I had gotten here. One drink, by myself in my best dress. That’s all I wanted.
Nadine kissed my cheek, leaving a faint smudge mark on my less than perfect makeup and took the kids with her and Asher. They said that they would be back tomorrow afternoon to give me the morning to myself. Asher had been the glue that held me together. He didn’t have to come to Ireland with us. He had a job offer to teach at several American Universities but he took the one in Ireland. He said that he couldn’t watch me try to merge with the family without some assistance. He was new to the family too. I think it was because he wanted to feel like he belonged somewhere. And he had found a home. His grandparents welcomed him and he had a flock of cousins, uncles and aunts. People I had yet to meet myself. They never all came to dinner. They were engrossed with their own lives. They made time when they had it. They were not like me and constantly looking for an escape from the annoying silence in my head.
I had felt empty ever since he died. No matter how much I loved my kids, I still felt like there was something wrong with me, to the point that I forced his cousin, Callum, to sleep on my couch for a few days. Just to make sure that I was fine. I didn’t want to harm my children, but it seemed possible with my distraught mind frame.
My outfit was less than perfect. The slim cut blue jeans hugged my hips, but they disagreed with the remnants of pregnancy. My stomach had not yet snapped back to that perfect size waist. I was never a skinny girl, but my curves used to be all in the right places. Now I felt like they just got in wherever they fit. I tossed on a flimsy black shirt and some black heels. Ireland was a festive place. The people were always down for a party. This could be a way to escape it.
I drove into town and spotted a few familiar faces from the church Nadine had me join with her. The girls were pretty, young and free. They had no children or no dead husband, just ambition, hopes and time.
I waved to them as I stepped out of the car and freaked out as they saw me approach them. They were one year younger than me, but it seemed like I was the old lady out of the group. I was the only one clothed and not already half wasted upon arrival. The blaring of music shot the speakers on the streets and the three girls started to dance. I hadn’t bothered to ask their names. I just know that they loved my kids and they worshipped Nadine and George like everyone else in this town. So I followed with them and once we entered the bar I watched the people.
The smell of ale filled the air. The beer here was to die for. It was not like American Bud Light or Michelob, I was accustomed to, this beer was smoother and it was fresh, straight from the tap. I ordered a pint and sat down on the wooden stool of the sidebar. The men here were older and heavy set, all full of laughter and good times apparently. The bar filled with old Irish tunes and it felt warm. My eyes glanced around the green walls of the bar. Pictures of old customers and their wives and the most alluring item was the wooden plaque. EST. 1859. The bar was antique but it was still a really well known spot.
I sipped my beer in the corner and from nowhere a guy slides in. His eyes are familiar, but there is nothing else that I can recognize.
“What’
s the craic?”
Damn Irish slang. I roll my eyes. “Hi.”
“What’re you doin’ here alone?”
His cologne filled the air that surrounded me and I was allured. It was hypnotizing. The smell of the sandalwood and the amber mixed. Then there was his perfectly parted hair that was brushed back and his beard. I was never one for beards, but on a face like that I could get used to one. “I don’t know anyone really.”
“You’re American… tourist?”
“No… I live in Wicklow?”
“Wicklow, I haven’t been that way in ages… headed there in a wee bit though.”
“Wow, what a coincidence. Why are you headed that way?”
“Family business,” He gulped down the remainder of his beer and slid it to the bartender. “Nother?”
“I haven’t finished this one.”
“You can never have enough to drink… I mean at least get bolloxed with me.” He winked and the bartender refilled both of our glasses. “So you’re a culchie huh?”
“Pardon me?”
“Country girl…”
“Yes.” In only the American sense, Tennessee was the heart of the south for me.
The bartender smiled. “Kage, glad to see you back eh? I haven’t seen you in donkey ears?”
“I’m only back for a minute… family concerns are driving me mad? You know how they can be. Tiring and worrisome, but they are family and you have got to take care of them.”
“Of course they are and of course you will.” He nodded his head. “Your drinks are on the house. You and the lass. Let me know you what want eh?”
“Aye.” He smirked and looked back at me. His name was Kage. “So pardon me manners, I’m Kage love… who are yah?”
His shoulders were broad and masculine and that damn jaw line would make a model look like shit. “I’m Cypress.”
“Perfect name, beautiful just like you.”
“Good one…” I chuckled.