I laughed and thought how I wished I could create a happy family in this small cottage. I would give up all the big rooms and glamorous things.
"And what will you do besides make the fire?" He shrugged. "Eat the supper."
"Is that all?"
"I don't know. What else should I do? What else does a daddy do?"
Poor Troy, I thought, he never really had a chance to know his father and know how important a daddy was. I pulled the rocker up close to our small fire. Troy came to me and I sat him in my lap.
"A daddy makes you feel safe and secure; he gives you just as much love as a mommy, and if you're a little boy like you, he plays ball with you or teaches you things and takes you places," I told him.
"What if you're a little girl?"
"He makes you into his little princess and buys you things and makes you feel special because he loves you so much."
"And does Daddy love Mommy and Mommy love Daddy?"
"Oh yes, very much. For them, there are no people who are more important in the whole world. Because love brings them together, you see, and love is . . . love is . ." I couldn't go on. I found myself sobbing, shoulders shaking.
"What?" He looked up at me. "Leigh, why are you crying?"
"I cry sometimes when I think about my daddy."
"Why? 'Cause he's not here?"
"Uh-huh." I sniffled several times, trying to stop crying. "I'll be your daddy when he's not here, okay?"
"Oh Troy." I hugged him to me. "You're very precious and sweet, but I'm afraid you can't because . . oh no."
"What?"
"Look at how hard it's snowing," I said pointing to the window. It was almost impossible to see the pine trees through the shower of heavy flakes. "We better get going." I lifted him to the floor. "Come, quickly."
I took his hand and we left the cottage. It seemed like nearly an inch of snow had fallen over the flagstone already. I hurried him down the path and to the maze, rushing into it, the snow blinding me with its fury. We stepped quickly to the first right angle and turned and then started down the next corridor of hedges and turned and then . . . I stopped.
"Oh no," I said looking at the fork in the path ahead of us, one corridor going to the left, the other to the right.
"What's the matter?" Troy asked.
"Our footsteps! They're gone! The new snow has covered them already, and I can't remember if we came from the right side or left side here."
"It's all right," Troy said bravely. "We'll find our way." He started down the corridor and turned back. "Come on," he beckoned.
"I don't know. I'm afraid," I said, hesitant. Troy looked at the path ahead. The snow was falling so fast it was hard to see where the turn was anyway. "What will we do?" I asked myself. I thought about going back to the cottage, but the snow might continue for a long time and no one knew we had come through the maze. Reluctantly, I plodded forward, took Troy's hand, and made my first guess. Then I made another and another and another. The snow never slowed for a moment and soon, all the turns and all the corridors looked alike. When I made another turn and came upon our freshly made footsteps, I realized we had just gone around in a circle.
"We're lost," I cried. Troy began to sob. "Don't cry, Troy. Someone will help us. We'll get out soon." I lifted him and started down another corridor, the flakes of snow sticking to my cheeks and forehead. My feet were very cold; I wasn't prepared for a trek through deep snow. Little Troy clung to me and I clung to him.
And like two orphans cast out in an unforgiving storm, we searched for a sign of home.
eight LIES LIES, LIES
. I heard the shouts and shouted back at the top of my voice, straining my vocal cords until my throat ached. There was another shout and another. I recognized Tony's voice and then I heard him scream some commands. Suddenly, a stout, elderly man appeared through the snow showers in front of us and little Troy exclaimed, "Boris!"
The kindly and concerned gardener hurried to us. "Are ye all right, Miss?"
"Yes, just . . . cold, very . . . cold," I said, shivering.
"Naturally. Here, let me take Master Tatterton," he offered and Troy went eagerly into his arms. "Just follow me, Miss. Stay close behind," Boris advised. He didn't have to tell me twice. I practically clung to the back of his coat as he led us on and out of the maze. Tony and Miles were waiting at the entrance.
"What happened? Why did you go into the maze?" Tony demanded quickly. Instead of
responding, I started to cry. His face softened instantly. "Are you all right?"
"I'm freezing," I said. My legs felt numb and my toes ached. I felt a strange combination of heat and cold in my cheeks, and that frightened me.
"Let's get them inside," Tony snapped. He put his arm around my shoulders and he and Miles and Boris, still carrying Troy, hurried back through the snowstorm to the big house. Momma came out of the music room the moment Curtis opened the front doors. She looked distraught and confused.
"They got lost in the maze," Tony explained quickly.
"The maze!" Her face contorted and looked pained.
"Mrs. Hastings, please take Troy up to his suite and get him into a warm bath," Tony commanded. "He's very susceptible to colds." Momma was staring at me, her face still twisted in disbelief, her eyes wild, her mouth slightly opened. She shook her head as if to deny what was happening. "Jillian," Tony said seizing her hand, "you should get Leigh into a warm bath too. She wasn't properly dressed to be out in a snowstorm for hours."
"I can't believe this. Why did you go into the maze, Leigh?" she grilled.
My teeth were still chattering. My gloves were soaking wet, as were my shoes and stockings, and melted snow was trickling off my hair and down the sides of my face and over my forehead and down the back of my neck. It felt as if Troy's snowman had come to life and was running the tips of his fingers over my body to torment me.
"I . . . we . . went to look for pieces of trimmed hedges and . . ."
"Jillian, you should get her into a warm bath," Tony repeated.
But Tony warned you about going into the maze, and this wasn't the time for such things. All these people here," she said turning about as if we were surrounded by the wedding party. "We were getting frantic, looking for you. How embarrassing," she said, bringing her hands to her face just like someone who wanted to hide behind them.
"The girl's freezing in her shoes," Tony prodded.
"What?"
"Jillian, get her into a warm bath and into a change of clothing."
Momma shook her head. "I can't believe you did this to me, Leigh. I can't believe it," she repeated, her voice growing shrill.
Tony seized my left arm at the elbow and started me for the stairway. I looked back at Momma, who was still gaping at me in astonishment. One of the bridesmaids, Cecilia Benson, was standing just behind her. Momma turned to her.
"Do you believe this?" she asked her. Cecilia looked my way, but said nothing as Tony hurried me up the stairs. He rushed me to my suite and helped me take off my cold, wet coat quickly in the sitting room. Then he tossed it over the settee and moved
immediately into the bedroom and toward the bathroom.
"You'll find a terry cloth robe with the Farthinggale Manor emblem on it in your closet," he said gesturing. "Get out of those wet clothes as fast as you can."
A moment later, he was running my bathwater. My fingers trembled as I peeled off my soaked mittens. The effect of the warmth in the house was to make me aware of just how cold I had been and still was. I shivered even more and heard my teeth click.
I started to pull my sweater up and over my head, but my arms were shaking so, I couldn't manipulate well. Just as I had it over my face, I felt Tony seize it and help pull it off.
"Are you all right? Your lips are so blue."
I nodded, dazed by all that was happening and happening fast. Momma hated me now. She was sure to think I had done it all deliberately, and I was still so cold I couldn't think straight and speak quickly enough to e
xplain.
"Sit on the bed," Tony commanded. After I did, he squatted before me and pulled off my shoes and took off my stockings. "Your feet are soaked and your toes are so red," he said and held my right foot between his hands, rubbing it vigorously and then rubbing my left. "You have to get into that water or you'll catch pneumonia." He got up and went back to check the bath.
I slipped my damp skirt down and stepped gingerly out of it. My slip felt cold and damp too. My arms ached and it was still hard to control my fingers, but I got my slip off and sat back on the bed. Where was Momma? Why didn't she come up to help me? Why was she leaving this to Tony? Was this her way of punishing me?
"It's ready," Tony announced in the bathroom doorway. I brought my fingers to my blouse, but the buttons felt so big and secure and the tips of my fingers itched so madly, I fumbled helplessly.
"Let me help you," Tony offered.
''No, I . ."
"I know. It's embarrassing. But just get you started and you can do the rest."
I gazed into his warm blue eyes and handsome face. He was so close to me, my cold breath was instantly warmed by his. He undid the top button of my blouse and then the next and the next, working gracefully, but quickly. When the blouse was completely undone, he paused and looked into my eyes. My whole body was still trembling, but not only from the cold. He smiled softly and took my right hand into his and then rubbed it quickly.
"You'll be all right," he said. "Once you're soaking in the bathwater."
"My mother . ."
"She's just upset. I'll calm her down and send her right up. Don't worry," he said. He seemed so considerate, so gentle. I felt the wall of hatred I had built between us begin to crumble, but I fought that back. I wanted my daddy. More than ever, I needed my daddy, but he wasn't here. He was far, far away, too far to even hear my voice on a telephone.
"Come on," he urged. He stood up, still holding my hand. I lowered my feet to the floor and stood up. As I did so, he brought his fingers to the collar of my blouse and gently pulled it back over my shoulders and down my arms. In a moment I was only in my bra and panties. "Go on," he whispered, his breath hot on the base of my neck. Without looking back, I walked to the bathroom.
The huge whirlpool tub was filled and bubbling. Nothing looked more inviting. I turned around and started to close the door. He was standing there, still holding my blouse in his hands, a wry smile on his face,
After I closed the door, I got out of my bra and panties and stepped into the warm, blue-tinted water. At first my ankles ached, but moments after I lowered myself completely in, I felt a wonderful flush of heat drive away the chill. I moaned with delight and closed my eyes. Then came the relief, flooding over me, inundating me so I could breathe, relax, and even manage a tremulous smile. I heard a knock on the door and opened my eyes.
Momma has finally come up, I thought.
"Yes?"
The door opened, but it wasn't Momma. it was Tony. He poked his head in.
"You forgot the robe," he said and opened the door wider. I lowered my body as far as I could into the water. The soap foam hid some of my nakedness, but I still felt so exposed and terribly flustered when he entered to place the robe on a hook. "How is it?"
"It's good"--
"I knew it would be," he said gazing down at me. I didn't see how he could be so blind to my embarrassment, but he acted as if he really were my father. "Don't feel bad. Troy will be all right," he said as though he thought that were the reason for my look of discomfort.
"I didn't think we would get lost because we would be able to trace our footsteps back in the snow, but the new snow came so fast, it covered everything and . ."
"It's all right. Really," he said kneeling beside the tub. "Water still warm enough?" He put his fingers into it, only inches from my thigh. "Yes, that's okay. Well, will you be all right, now?"
"Yes," I said quickly. I folded my arms over my breasts. "I could wash your back for you. I'm an expert when it comes to washing backs," he added, widening his smile.
"No. I'm going to get out soon."
"Take your time. You're not embarrassed, are you? We're family now," he added. "We'll be as intimate and close to each other as possible, just as if we have been living together our whole lives. You'll see." He leaned forward to kiss my forehead tenderly, cupping my face between his palms. He kept his face close to mine and stared into my eyes, his luminous and deep. Then he stood up and wiped his hands on a towel.
"Well, it's a good thing you have most of your things here already. Do you want me to get anything out for you? I can play the valet, too, you know," he added with an amused smile.
"No. I'll be all right now."
He nodded, but continued to look down at me.
"Okay," he finally said. "I'll see about your mother and Troy."
I released a deeply held breath when he stepped out. My heart was pounding so, I thought it would make the water over my chest splash. No man, even Daddy since I was ten, had ever seen me naked, and here I was covered only with this foamy warm water and Tony just inches away. It had been mortifying, but it had also excited me in a way I had not expected. How confusing this was all going to be with him thinking he could be my daddy. I closed my eyes again, and the moment I did so, I envisioned his blue eyes searching my face, almost touching me with his intense gaze.
When I brought the soapy washcloth to my bosom, I was surprised at how hard my nipples had become. Was that because of the cold and the hot or did it have something to do with the tingling that moved up my thighs and down the small of my stomach when I thought about Tony's fingers in the water, just an inch or two from my naked body?
Before I could think any more about it, Momma came bursting into the bathroom. She had regained her composure, but she was still very angry.
"How could you do such a stupid thing, Leigh? And you, a bright girl who gets such high marks in school?" she asked pacing back and forth.
"I thought we would be all right. We would have our footsteps to follow and ."
"Mrs. Hastings went out to look for Troy and then came in and asked if anyone had seen you two come back inside. So Tony sent the help out to search, and they returned claiming no sign of either of you.
"You know how Tony is about his little brother, unreasonable and obviously overprotective as it is, but when he heard you and Troy were missing, he went wild with worry. A search party was formed and sent out into the storm. And had all these people here." Whap. Her hand came down on the marble counter.
"But when they brought you two in and Tony said you had gotten lost in the maze . . ."
"Momma, just listen . . ,"
"To go in there during a storm, no less. What were you thinking? Was this a deliberate act, an attempt to embarrass me because you feel sorry for your father? Or maybe you just aren't getting enough attention today, is that it? Maybe getting these beautiful rooms from Tony just isn't enough, and little miss princess had to cause some trouble so everyone would notice her."
"NO!" I cried. "It just happened. The snow came so quickly, we didn't realize our footsteps would be covered."
"Why did you go into the maze?" she asked, eyes scrunched as tight as could be with suspicion.
"Troy wanted to show me the cottage and I thought . ."
"Oh, that child. He's so spoiled."
"No, Momma, he's lonely and . ."
"All that boy needs is some discipline. You've got to be firmer with him, Leigh. I insist. You're to think of yourself as his big sister, who knows better, understand? If you have any doubts at all about anything he wants, ask me or Tony, but don't cater to his whims. Oh dear," she said, catching sight of herself in the mirror. "Look at what I look like. And all this happening right before my wedding."
"I'm sorry, Momma." I lowered myself into the water again.
"Well . . . you should be. This wedding is the most important thing that has ever happened to me . . . or to you, young lady. It will be perfect. You don't want to get sick right bef
ore my wedding, do you? Can you imagine what it will look like if you are sniffling behind me, sneezing and coughing during the wedding procession?" She grimaced as if it were happening this very moment.
"All right, Momma. I'll get into bed after I get out of the bath."
"Good. Oh, Leigh," she said pressing her palm against her chest, "what a fright." She sighed and then smiled as if someone had closed the book on this episode. "Afterward, I'll come up and sit with you and we will have a good talk about my honeymoon. I'll tell you all the details and we'll discuss my wardrobe, what I should bring along, what jewelry, makeup, okay?
"Poor thing. I'm sure you were terrified out there. But, it's over," she added quickly and with a swipe of her hand as if she were shooing away flies. "Let's put it behind us. We have too many wonderful things to think about, don't we?"
"Yes, Momma."
"Good. I don't want to have a sad day here after this, not one sad day. Why should I? I've got everything anyone could want--youth, money, and a handsome, doting husband." She gazed down at me. "I'm sure you will have the same things someday, too. Well, get out and dry off or you will turn into a prune," she added and laughed. "I'll see about some hot tea for you."
She left and I got out of the tub. I dried myself off and put on the terry cloth robe. Then I went into my bedroom and picked out the warmest nightgown. I slipped it on and crawled under the covers.
I was very tired. The moment I closed my eyes, I fell asleep and didn't even hear the maid bring in the tea.
Momma was true to her word--she refused to hear any more about the incident in the maze, as she called it. As soon as Tony and she returned to my suite to see how I was and he brought it up, she snapped at him with surprising vehemence.
"Please, Tony, let's not talk about it anymore. It happened and it's over. Thank goodness, everyone's all right."
One result of the incident was that Mamma and I would sleep over at Farthy. She explained it to me when Tony left us.
"I've decided Tony's right," she said. "It's best we remain here tonight. It's still snowing quite heavily and I shouldn't take you back into the storm. In the morning after breakfast, we'll return to Boston and complete our packing for the move to Farthy. Tony promises to honor my wishes and remain in his own suite this evening," she added with a coquettish smile and turn of her shoulders. The situation was
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