by Anthology
He lets out a sad sigh as he rubs his hands through his hair and then drops them back between his thighs. He’s yet to take his eyes off the floor, while I can’t take my eyes off of him. “I grieve every day, not just for me, but for Corbin. We were so happy when she found out she was pregnant. I don’t know how everything turned to shit in such a short period of time.”
“What do you mean?” My heart is pounding so fiercely right now I have no idea how it hasn’t bounced straight out of my chest and onto the floor.
He turns finally and looks at me, the sadness is his eyes overwhelming. His beautiful aquamarine irises that were just bright and sparkling with lust are now dark and sad. “Zoe killed herself.”
Tears sting my eyes as I see one fall from Brody’s eye and slide slowly down his cheek. This beautiful, perfect man looks so strong on the outside, but inside, he is sad and broken. My heart clenches as if someone has just reached inside my chest and squeezed it in the palm of their hand.
“Ohh…umm…I’m so sorry. I um…wasn’t expecting that.” I am at a loss for words right now. I am trying to wrap my head around what he just said, but it is impossible. What would drive a woman with the perfect husband and a new baby to take her own life?
“Neither was I. I went to work one day and then got a call from her mother telling me Zoe had asked her to watch Corbin so she could run some errands. After three hours went by, she never came home. I left work in a panic and drove all over town trying to find her. Finally, after hours of searching, I found her car at the spot we use to always go to when we were in high school.” His voice cracks as more tears fall. He doesn’t even bother flicking them away; he just lets them fall from his face onto his jeans.
My overly emotional and hormonal self is falling apart right here beside him. I’m trying to keep it together, but the pain I see on his face is more than I can take. I keep flicking the tears away as soon as they leave my eyes.
He slowly inhales and exhales for a moment, trying to get control over his emotions before he continues. “I found her car and immediately thought of a million scenarios, but nothing could’ve prepared me for what I found. She was slumped against the steering wheel and was so cold. She had to have been dead a few hours. Next to her in the passenger seat was her purse, along with a bottle of pain pills she’d gotten after her C-section. The bottle had been half-full, because she’d stopped taking them. She’d switched to just ibuprofen as soon as she was feeling better, because she said she hated the way the prescription made her feel when she was taking them. So to see every single pill gone from that bottle felt like a brick house had just fallen on top of me. I couldn’t move. My brain was frozen as I stood there staring at my wife dead in the driver’s seat of her car.”
“Oh my God. Brody. I can’t even begin to imagine what that must’ve been like for you.”
His shoulders sag as he drops his chin to his chest and closes his eyes. I keep rubbing circles on his back as I try to do something, anything to help ease the pain he’s in right now. I’m stunned by his confession. I know how hard this must be for him to open up to me.
He turns his head towards me again and continues, “All I could think about in that moment was Corbin. He was only three months old and his mother was gone. I don’t know how long I stood there in a state of shock, but the sound of my phone ringing in my pocket snapped me out of my daze. It was her mother calling to see if I’d found her yet. I stood there staring at the phone, wondering how to answer the phone right then and tell this woman her daughter was dead. It was the most fucked up day of my life that lead to years of a fucked up reality. I didn’t know anything about raising a baby. She did it all; I was still figuring it all out, and within one day, I was a widower and a single father. It was too much for me to handle and I ended up having a mental breakdown. I spent six months in a fog, while Janice, Zoe’s mom, cared for Corbin. Finally, after therapy and anti-depressants, I got better and was able to slowly get back to a life of normalcy.”
I move closer to him as I am consumed with the need to help take his pain away somehow. I rest my cheek against his shoulder as I continue to rub his back. “You’re doing great now, and you’re an amazing father. Anyone with eyes can see Corbin loves you, and it’s evident he wants to be just like you when he grows up. He is a little mini-daddy walking around here carrying little logs into the house and helping clear snow with his little shovel.” I laugh lightly as I try to lift the mood and help Brody relax.
“Thanks. I love that little man more than anything in this world. I’m good now; I still have my off days, when it’s hard to get out of bed and continue with life, but he keeps me going. I can’t thank Ella enough for this job. Devin has been my best friend since elementary school. He was right there by my side every day, even when I was the world’s biggest dickhead and treated him like shit. I was toxic for a long time after Zoe died. I tried to push everyone away, but he refused to give up on me. I don’t think Ella knows the whole story. Devin just told her I’d lost my wife tragically, and with a son to care for, I needed a job that was flexible. She gave me my job and a place to live, which I appreciate more than she’ll ever know. I sold the house I’d bought with Zoe. It was too hard to be there after she passed. I needed a clean break and a fresh start.”
“Ella is amazing, and Devin is great. I’m glad he did that for you, and Ella too, because you are a great guy who just got dealt a really shitty hand in life. Corbin is the sweetest kid I’ve ever met. I’m glad I met both of you. I’ve had a lot going on, and playing with him every day has been the perfect distraction that I needed.”
Shifting more towards me, Brody cups my face and rubs the pad of his thumb over my cheek. I can tell from the way he’s looking at me whatever he is going to say next, I’m not going to like. A small part of me wants to tell him just to leave, pretend nothing happened between us, and skip whatever it is he’s about to say. It would be far less painful than being told it meant nothing.
“Thank you for listening. It has been years since I talked to anyone about all of this. I feel like I can breathe again for the first time in months. The holidays are especially hard, because you see all over TV happy families celebrating the holidays together, and then I have Corbin who only has me. It gets to be too much.”
I know there’s a ‘but’ coming. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. I don’t know what it is about me that makes it impossible for a man to want me for more than just sex.
“You’re an amazing person with the biggest heart. You deserve a man who will love you and your baby unconditionally, and do everything to give you the perfect life. That guy just isn’t me. I can’t love you and give you the life you deserve if I can barely do that for myself.”
I can’t believe this.
“How can you know that? You haven’t even given us a chance. Hell we just had sex five minutes ago and it was amazing. Now you are dead set on us being destined to fail. What about how I feel? Or what I want?”
“I’m fucked up, Callie. I can’t be the knight in shining armor that sweeps you off your feet and gives you a perfect happily ever after. Hell! Do you know how hard it is for me seeing you pregnant? All I can think about is Zoe when she was pregnant with Corbin and how perfect I thought we were. After he was born, she was different but I assumed her feelings of sadness and being overwhelmed were normal. We had a new baby; it was tiring. I never expected her to develop post-partum depression. It’s nothing against you; it’s me. I’m the one with the issues. I don’t want to bring more pain into your life, when you have enough of your own. I would really like to be friends. Corbin loves you, and I know he would be crushed if you didn’t come back to visit from time to time.”
What does one say to that? ‘Yeah, I’m totally fine with us having some hot ass sex that was the best I ever had, and I am also fine with being just friends. It’s totally not an issue for me at all.’?
Ugh! Why, why, why do I have to be attracted to men who are unable to commit?
; I bring my hands to my belly and think about my baby. I try to put myself in Brody’s position and understand where he’s coming from, but it’s hard for me to say I’m okay with this. Yes, in the heat of the moment, I was fine with it being just sex, but now…now, I want more. I can’t have more with him, and it hurts so bad I can’t even find the courage to speak. I can’t be selfish and scream at him, telling him exactly what I’m feeling right now. I settle for saying whatever needs to be said so that he’ll leave.
With my eyes still on my belly, I tell him, “I understand. It’s fine. Really, I’ll come back and visit once the baby is born so Corbin can meet her. For now, I’ll be too busy getting my shop started, so I won’t have any free time to come back to town. I’m sorry you lost your wife, Brody, but you need to realize you deserve to be happy again, and Corbin too.
“I know as he gets older he’ll see his friends with both a mom and a dad and wonder why his mom isn’t here. It’ll be hard, but that is life. It ain’t easy; that I sure as hell know to be true. I had to go throughout high school with my grandparents as my guardians, and it sucked. But I appreciated that I had people who loved me unconditionally. They may not have been my mom and dad, but they loved me just as much as they had my mother.
“That is all a child cares about is having someone to love them unconditionally. They don’t care about blood. I love that little boy with my whole heart. I have since the first day he smiled at me with his goofy little grin. If you think friendship is all this can be, then I’ll accept that, and I’ll even pretend what happened tonight never occurred. I’ll do anything I can to ease your pain, Brody.”
We sit side-by-side in silence for a while, neither of us saying a word until we hear a light knock at the door. “Hey, guys. It’s just me. Corbin was asking for Brody. He said Santa is going to be coming soon, so he needs to get home to put his cookies and milk out.”
I stand slowly and rub at the soreness at the bottom of my back as I open the door. All this stress is only making every muscle in my body more sore and tense. Ella is standing in the hall with Corbin on her hip. Seeing him with a sleepy smile on his face makes my heart flip-flop in my chest. This sweet boy is always so happy and makes everyone around him feel that happiness too.
I find myself smiling back at him, even though on the inside I’m crying tears of sadness, as I know after tomorrow I’m going to have to leave. I can’t stay here any longer and be around him and his daddy. I’ll just be torturing myself as I watch something I want sit right in front of me and know I can never have it.
“Hi, Ella. Hi, Corbin,” I say cheerfully, tickling his belly. “The shower is all fixed, so Brody can head home with Corbin to get all ready for Santa, and I can finally have that long soak in the bathtub I desperately need.” I turn my attention back to Corbin, who’s yawning as he rests his head on Ella’s shoulder. “Are you excited about Santa coming?”
He nods his head, making his adorable, red, loose curls on his head bounce around.
“Well, I know I cannot wait to see what he brings you tomorrow. You promise to come see me as soon as you’re done opening your presents so I can play with all your fun gifts?”
“Yeah. I will show you evwything. We can play all day. I asked Santa for a Thomas train. I hope I get it.” His cute little face and adorable toddler voice is too much. I can feel tears threatening to make a reappearance. I blink them away as Ella gives me a sympathetic smile. I can imagine as soon as they leave she’ll be right up here wanting to know what’s going on.
“You ready to go home, big guy?” Brody asks from behind me, startling me and making me jump slightly. I step to the side, giving him room to leave. He grabs his toolbox from beside the door and walks out into the hallway to take Corbin from Ella’s arms.
As soon as they disappear down the stairs, Ella hurries into my room, shutting the door behind her. She folds her arms across her chest as her eyes search my face. “What the hell happened up here, Callie?”
I really don’t want to talk about this right now. “Nothing. He fixed the shower and now he’s leaving. End of story.”
Glaring at me, she purses her lips. She so isn’t buying it. “Do you think I was born yesterday? I can smell sex in here. I know a hell of a lot more went on than you’re telling me, so I will ask again. What the hell just happened? And why did you both look like someone just killed your damn puppy?”
Turning, I walk back over to my bed and plop down on it. I can feel the baby rolling inside my belly, and like always, it helps soothe me. I rub at the spot where I feel her moving and somehow find the courage to tell Ella everything.
There were lots of tears on my end, but it felt good getting it all out. I told her about Jase and then Brody tonight, everything he revealed to me and his excuse for wanting to go on as just friends. She sat quietly and let me vent and get everything off of my chest. She told me she understood both sides and told me to give Brody time, that him opening up to me when he hasn’t done that with anyone but Devin, and for him to be with me on a physical level for the first time since Zoe died, has to be a lot for him to deal with emotionally.
I told her after we do gifts and have dinner I will be going home. She told me she wishes I’d stay until Monday like we’d planned, but understands why I have to go. Ella told me maybe some time apart with me back home and Brody here is what we need for right now, so we can look at the situation with clear heads after all the raw emotion of what happened tonight settles. I hope she’s right, because right now, I’m going home feeling more confused than I was when I got here.
Waking up Christmas morning, I went downstairs and had my morning coffee and a bagel to tie me over until Christmas breakfast. Not long after, Brody came with Corbin to eat, and the second they came through the door, Corbin wiggled out of his arms and came running to me. He went on and on for a good hour, telling me about all of the things Santa got him.
I caught Brody watching us from time to time, but he barely said a word to me the entire day. The Parkers’ children were better behaved, since they had new toys to keep them occupied. I was appreciative of the peace and quiet, because I had a migraine all day. I barely slept at all last night because of everything that happened with Brody, so I was feeling sluggish and moody. A few times, I almost approached Brody to try to talk to him alone for a few minutes to see if he’d thought at all about our conversation last night, but I would only hurt myself more, because if he had changed his mind, he would’ve approached me and said so.
Dinner went okay. Ella took notice of my lack of appetite and yelled at me a few times to eat more, but I couldn’t. My stomach felt as if it was spinning in a blender and if I tried to eat any more, I’d upchuck, and I doubt that is what everyone wanted to see while eating their holiday dinner.
After we cleaned up dinner, and the guests at the B&B went back to their rooms, we all gathered around the tree to exchange gifts. Corbin lit up when he opened my gift and saw I’d gotten him the movie Frozen. They played it on TV one day and he loved it. Ever since, he hasn’t stopped singing, “Do you want to build a snowman?” while outside playing in the snow. I also found him a small Olaf the Snowman plush toy, and he told me he would sleep with it every night, which made my night. His smile was worth every cent I spent on him. Brody mouthed to me, You didn’t have to get him anything, but I waved him off and went back to singing what little of the songs I knew.
Brody had a look of shock on his face when he saw I’d gotten him a gift. I think the size scared him, but really, it wasn’t that expensive. With help from Corbin, they tore it open, and Corbin’s eyes grew large with surprise as he looked at the huge collage-style picture frame for their home. It was an assortment of small and large square frames all connected to make one big collage wall decoration. I filled it with pictures I took with my cellphone of them outdoors, inside Ella’s place, and some of Corbin by himself playing in the snow and napping on the couch. I even got one of Ella and Devin with Corbin outside building a snowman the other day
after the snowstorm. I contemplated changing the last picture, but then decided to keep it, because I knew Corbin would love it. It’s one of him and me making snow angels that I had Brody take with my phone. It’s my lock screen picture on my cell now.
I used Ella’s photo printer to print them off. I thought it would be the best gift to give him, since his loft seems so bare, with very little photos of them around it.
We had some perfect days here together that I’ll cherish forever. I can only hope with the photos hanging on their wall that they’ll cherish those moments captured too.
Everyone loved it, and I think Brody did too. He and Corbin sat for the longest time talking about everything they were doing in each photograph. I was taken aback when Brody got up from the seat across from me to give me a hug. My stomach was invaded with a million fluttering butterflies the second his arms wrapped around me and he whispered, “Thank you,” in my ear.
At that moment, I knew my decision to leave tonight was the best one I could make.
So now, here I am, loading my suitcases into the trunk of my car as I prepare to say goodbye to Ella and Devin and drive back to Colonie. Brody took Corbin home, because he was getting grumpy from the long day he’d had. It was perfect timing for me, because I want to get out of here as fast I can while he’s gone. I don’t want to see him before I leave; it’ll only make things harder.
Snow is starting to fall slowly, and the air is chilly tonight as I slam my trunk and turn to tell Devin and Ella goodbye. They’re standing side-by-side on the stairs leading up to the deck with somber expressions on their faces.
I hate that I’m leaving early, especially since I’ve barely seen Ella these last few years, but she understands why I have to go.