by Becky McGraw
"Won't be back until tomorrow. He stayed in Henrietta at our parent's house. I have no idea why," she said with a frustrated sigh.
Rocky knew why, but she wasn't going to fill Terri in that her brother had stayed there because he was avoiding her, and a quarter mile, the distance from the bunkhouse to the big house, evidently wasn't enough room for him to do that now.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
At six o'clock in the morning, Ethan turned for the final time and ended his sleepless night by flinging the covers off of him and sitting up on the edge of the bed. He smelled coffee brewing, and like a man in a trance he stood and stumbled toward the kitchen.
His mom and dad were sitting at the table talking when he walked through without saying a word. On auto-pilot, he reached up and pulled down the biggest mug he could find and filled it to the brim, then took a deep swallow, flinching as the hot liquid scorched his throat.
"You could at least put some pants on, son," his mother grumbled and he heard her chair scrape over the floor as she stood.
Ethan glanced down at himself, and realized he was in his boxers. "Sorry, mom, I forgot," he replied, his voice gravelly and tired.
When she walked up to the sink she slapped his ass, and he jumped almost spilling coffee on both of them. "Remember next time," she told him, then bent and pulled a pan out of the lower cabinet.
"Jesus, mom, give me a break," he told her.
"Sleep good?" she asked then put the pan on the stove and walked to the refrigerator.
"Hell no, I could use those sheets to hang myself they're so knotted."
"What's on your mind, honey?" she asked raising up from the refrigerator with a pack of bacon in her hand.
Ethan cast a glance at his dad and he shook his head imperceptibly. His mother didn't know what was going on then, and obviously he didn't want Ethan to tell her. Ethan agreed. His mama worried too much about both him and his dad, and he wasn't adding to that, by telling her they thought someone was trying to kill him.
"Doctor said I was pushing too hard," he told her. Let her worry about that, it was the lesser of two evils for sure.
"That why you decided to stay here last night?" she asked and cast him a disbelieving look. He had to watch himself, because his mama was smart, she would read between the lines and fill in the blanks herself.
"Nah, I just wanted to drive my pickup back to Amarillo, so I had some transportation," he told her then sat his mug down on the counter to squeeze her shoulders. "And I wanted to visit with the prettiest woman in Texas, before I went back."
She sucked in a breath, turned her head away from him. He felt a tremor pass through her, and squeezed her again then asked with concern, "Mama, are you okay?"
"Fine," she told him in a choked voice.
He turned her around to face him and saw her eyes were filled with tears. "What the hell is wrong with you, mama?" he demanded and cast another look at his dad who shrugged.
Her lower lip trembled and she told him tearfully, "I'm just so happy you're yourself again, son. I thought we had lost you." She put her arms around his waist and hugged him tightly.
Ethan patted her back and hugged her. He had been lost, then found, now he was right back where he started, mentally at least. "I'm sorry I was an asshole, mama...I'm a lot better now," Ethan lied.
"I love you, baby, and I'm just so thankful you're doing better," she told him and hugged him again. "I was so worried about you."
She would be ten times as worried if she knew what was really going on with him, so he was doubly glad he hadn't told her.
His stomach rumbled and she chuckled then pushed away and swiped at her face with the dishtowel. "Guess I better get breakfast on, sounds like your a little hungry."
"Famished...crispy bacon fried eggs?" he asked hopefully and rubbed his stomach.
"Yep, I know you love them."
"Thanks, mama, I'm going get cleaned up," he told her. With a kiss to the top of her hair and a wink for his dad, he grabbed his mug and walked back to the bedroom.
The inspector was meeting them at seven at the coffee shop in town. If the meeting lasted no more than an hour, Ethan thought maybe he had a chance of making it to Lubbock for that class...if he hurried.
If he didn't make it, Rocky would never forgive him, he knew that, and he was going to do his damndest not to disappoint her more than he already had. She deserved a lot better than he had given her so far, deserved some explanations and apologies. Ethan just didn't know how he was going to explain himself to her and live to tell the tale.
Even if she let him live, after he told her he had basically knew he was using her that night at the lake, that he had lied to her, she probably wouldn't forgive him. In all likelihood, she would never talk to him again.
That meant Ethan was just going to have to figure out how to see her day in and out, see the hurt and disgust in her eyes, and learn to live with it. It would be his penance for his arrogance and cowardice.
Considering his physical limitations, he now realized thinking he could return to his old life had been sheer arrogance on his part. Not talking to Rocky and telling her what he was thinking, planning, riding the fence so he could keep both options open, had been cowardly. Making love to her, letting her pursue getting him on that team, without telling her he was planning to leave was too.
Life was about choices, and he had made all the wrong ones in this situation.
He and his dad walked into the Henrietta House of Pancakes at ten until seven, and his dad evidently saw the inspector, because he didn't wait for the hostess to seat them, he waved then headed directly over to a booth in the corner.
Ethan followed him more slowly, feeling plenty of eyes watching his progress. By now, word of his accident had probably spread like wildfire through his hometown. Not only had he been a star football player on the Henrietta High School football team, he was a fireman. When a fireman or cop got hurt, everyone knew about it. When Jimmy died last year, the whole community had shown up for the funeral.
Grief and regret shot through Ethan, but he pushed those memories to the back of his mind. Right now, he has to focus on figuring out who was trying to kill him, not worry about the rookie firefighter who had taken too many risks because he was always trying to one up Ethan. The man wouldn't be dead if he hadn't felt like he and Ethan were always in a competition.
"Hi, I'm Ethan Cassidy," he told the round middle-aged man sitting on the other side of the booth from his dad, then shook his hand, before he slid into the booth.
"Ethan, I'm Inspector Gilley, and I'm looking into the fire where you got injured."
"Yes, sir, my dad told me what you think, and I have to say I find it hard to believe."
The man looked around the diner then leaned forward. "I think you realize, because this involves suspicions that another firefighter is involved, we need to keep it low-key."
"Yes, sir, and we need to be careful we don't make the other men feel like they are under suspicion."
"Exactly," he agreed, his shoulders easing as he sat back again. "Now, let's order," he said with a chuckle and waved at the waitress.
"We've eaten, so you go ahead...but I have an appointment in Lubbock and need to wrap this up as soon as we can," Ethan told him.
The man nodded and ordered then they talked while he ate and they drank coffee.
Ethan recanted the events of the night of the fire as he remembered them, then his dad added details and his own take on things.
After he had listened thoughtfully, and made notes, the inspector sat his fork down and pushed his plate away to ask, "So, do you know of any friction between you and someone on the crew that might result in a grudge?"
"No, sir, we're brothers...we have each other's backs," Ethan replied instantly then backed up and told him. "I can't think of anything."
The conversation stalled, then his dad turned to him and asked, "What about Jimmy?"
"Dad, Jimmy is dead," Ethan grated then took a sip of his coffee.
"I know that, son, but his brother is still on the crew."
"Brad is my best friend, dad, and he wasn't at the fire that night," Ethan grated defensively. There was no way the guy he had grown up with, played football with, worked on the Texas Task Force with could do that to him, even if he blamed Ethan for Jimmy's death, which he did not. Brad might as well be his brother, that's how close they were.
Brad knew about the stupid risks his younger brother took, he and Ethan had talked about it, and Brad tried to keep a tight leash on Jimmy because of it. When they were on duty together that was, the night Jimmy died, Brad had been off.
"He has a radio," his dad told him.
"We all have radios, civilians even have radios that pick up our calls," he said and that brought about a whole new suspect pool.
"There weren't any civilians out at that fire, it was too rural for engine chasers."
"You're right, and a firefighter not on shift, who just heard the call would not have been able to find it either."
"If he followed the truck he could have," his dad pressed. "Being off duty would give someone the opportunity to open that valve behind Booker and cut the line."
"We would have noticed someone who was not in turnout gear," Ethan countered then stood with frustration pouring through him. "All this speculating isn't getting us anywhere...I've got to go," he said then told the inspector, "I'll call you if I think of anything."
"And I'll call you, if I find out anything," Inspector Gilley replied then handed him a business card.
With a shake of his head, Ethan met his dad's eyes. "I'll see you later, Cap."
"Ethan, this is serious stuff, you need to be careful, son. Regardless of whether you're here or in Amarillo you could be in danger," he warned.
"I get it, dad, I'll watch my back, but I've got to get out of here," Ethan told him, but his dad couldn't scare him. Ethan was headed to face something he feared ten times more than being stalked by a killer, Roxanne Baker. He knew he was going to be late for the class, it had already started, but he could probably make it to Lubbock by noon, which meant he could be there for the last half of the class.
Ethan pulled his truck onto the highway then put his foot down on the accelerator. It felt damned good to be driving again, having his truck at the ranch and being able to drive it would make him feel less closed in there.
It wasn't that he thought Terri wouldn't let him use a ranch truck if he asked, the problem was that he would have to ask if he wanted to leave the ranch for any reason. Now, he could come and go as he pleased. He wouldn't be doing much going, but at least he could if he wanted to.
Ethan was slightly calmer now about having to take that ranch medic job, his eyes were open and he wasn't deluding himself anymore. His sleepless night had given him plenty of time to mull things over, and he'd come to a few conclusions.
His dad was right, he would never be where he needed to be physically to be a fireman again. It burned his ass to be told he couldn't do something, but it was true. Even if Ethan pushed himself twenty-four hours a day for years, the level of mobility he had before the accident would never come back.
He had a broken back, and nothing was going to change that. The most he could hope for now was normal, average. Like Rocky had told him that night in the spa, he wasn't Superman anymore, and that's where he had been trying to return.
Terri had been right and the ranch medic job was his only option at this point.
Even though he knew he could do it in his sleep, would probably be sleeping through half his days there from boredom, at least he could still be a medic.
One half the man he used to be was better than nothing.
The doctor had been right and he was pushing himself entirely too hard, expecting too much, too soon. Ethan had made monstrous strides toward healing and walking in a short amount of time, only because he had pushed himself to the limit and beyond. He needed to backup, regroup, reassess his goals and then remake his plan.
Slowing down was not something Ethan had ever had to do, but he was going to do it now. He had lived his life full throttle for too long, he needed to back off a little.
Finally, Roxanne had been right too when she said he could still be useful, without being Superman. Between the medic job at the ranch, and being involved with the search and rescue group, he could redefine his life and still help people in the process, make himself useful again.
All of these people had been trying to help him, and Ethan had been an arrogant, pompous, hardheaded ass. More apologies were in order, to his family and his firehouse brothers. If they would even listen to him at this point. He glanced at the clock on the dash, pushed down harder on the accelerator and the truck shot forward.
There weren't many cars out on the road headed north, so he relaxed back against the seat and shoved his favorite CD into the player, then turned it up and focused on getting himself to Lubbock as quickly as he could.
Thirty miles outside of Lubbock, the traffic picked up and Ethan cursed then pumped the brakes a few times to slow down to avoid rear-ending the car in front of him. He had been driving in the fast lane the whole way, so he looked for a break in the traffic then moved over right, pumping the brakes again to slow down. There must be a wreck up ahead or something, he thought. Rush hour was over, and the traffic should have thinned, not picked up.
He leaned to the left trying to look ahead of the truck in front of him and saw there was a massive traffic jam. Just what he needed right now. As the traffic slowed even more, he pumped his brakes again to slow with it, and his foot went to the floor.
The truck in front of him stopped suddenly, and he only had a hundred feet or so between them. Swallowing hard, Ethan shoved the truck down into low, furiously pumping the brake pedal, knowing it wasn't going to help him stop.
Shifting into a lower gear, Ethan scanned the shoulder of the road looking for an escape route, or at least somewhere to get his truck stopped, so he would just kill himself, and not one of the other people in front of him.
Like fingernails on a chalkboard, metal on metal grinding had him gritting his teeth as his brakes tried to hold. Within ten feet of the big truck in front of him, he swerved to the right, then took the narrow shoulder of the road. The rough uneven pavement caused the truck to buck and writhe and he fought with the steering wheel to keep it steady.
Beside the shoulder was a deep ditch with a mild slope that he thought he could use to stop himself if he had to. Ethan knew taking the ditch would most likely total his truck, but he would do it to avoid killing himself or someone else.
A car with its hood up a hundred yards in front of him made the decision for him. It was either take the ditch or plow into the car. Taking a deep breath, Ethan checked his seatbelt, then braced himself, before easing his right wheels off the road onto the grassy slope. He took it slowly, because if he went too fast or deep into the ditch, he knew the truck would flip.
When all four wheels were finally on the grass, he held on for dear life and sent up a prayer. For two hundred yards or so, he held it steady, and the truck slowed, but then he saw that the ditch ended up ahead at large concrete drainage culvert. And there was no way in hell he was going to get the truck stopped before he got there.
Rocky sat in the dark classroom, appearing to pay rapt attention to the instructor who stood in front of the white screen with a laser pointer, while he explained the intricacies and logic involved in a grid search. What she was really doing in her mind though, was peeling every inch of skin from Ethan Cassidy's back, slowly, painfully, and with much glee.
With each hour that passed, her anger at him had increased ten times what it had been yesterday. He had stood them up, and put her in a very bad position.
She had ridden to the class with Wes, hoping to find a way to forewarn him that Ethan probably wasn't going to show. Wes had been so wound up about the class though, there hadn't been an opening for her to do that. When roll call was done, based on the registrations, that i
s when Wes realized it himself, and he'd given her a sharp look.
All she could do was shrug and give him an apology with her eyes. Then at lunch, she had to tell him that she had made a mistake asking him to include Ethan on the team, that she didn't think he was right for the team after all. He wasn't committed to it.
Up until that point, even though Rocky was pissed at him, she had held at least a little hope in her heart that he might show up, that he wasn't the first class asshole she had pegged him for yesterday.
She had given him the benefit of the doubt, because the man was Terri's brother for God's sake, they had been raised by the same parents, and she loved and respected Terri to the nth degree. Her brother, not so much, especially now.
She was going to talk to Terri about his dependability as the ranch medic too. It wasn't her place to do that really, but she wanted to protect her friend. The man just couldn't be trusted to follow through on things. Even though he was her brother, Terri needed to think about that long and hard before she let him stay on the ranch. She was pregnant, and once the baby was born, she wouldn't have time to worry about whether the man or woman she hired would do their job.
The instructor asked the class a question, and his eyes scanned the crowd for someone to call on. When his gaze darted to her, she slunk down in her seat and held her breath, but he called on a guy behind her, and she finally took a breath.
Wes leaned down by her ear and whispered, "Are you okay?"
She nodded, and sat up some then whispered back, "I'm so sorry about Ethan not showing up Wes. If he doesn't pay you back for the class, I will."
"After class," he whispered back then turned his attention back to the instructor.
Rocky nodded again then scanned the material on the screen trying to catch up. There was a helluva lot more to this search and rescue thing than she thought. By the time they were near the end of the class a few hours later, she wasn't sure she was qualified or capable of doing it, and wondered what the hell Wes was thinking inviting her to join the team.