It had only just begun to calm down a week later, when Sean got ready to leave to go back to the FBI Academy. Andy had gone back to Cambridge the day before, and Izzie had dinner with the O’Haras that night. She and Sean sought refuge in the old playroom in the basement, hoping to get a little time together to talk. She hated to see how upset Sean was. They were all devastated by Billy’s death, but Sean’s rage was terrifying, and it seemed to be getting worse day by day.
“You can’t let it eat you alive like this,” she said gently.
“Why not? You don’t know the kind of people he was dealing with. I do. They all deserve to die. Billy didn’t hurt anyone, he was such a sweet guy.” As he said it, his eyes filled with tears, and Izzie gently took him in her arms. Her gentleness only made it worse for him.
“You can’t go around killing all of them,” she said sensibly. “And Billy wouldn’t want you tormented like this.”
“He had no defenses to protect him from what they did.” But he also knew that Billy could have tried harder to resist, and he was angry at Billy too. Now his entire family would suffer the agony of losing him, and none of them would ever be the same again. Not even him. “People like that don’t deserve to live,” Sean said, referring to the drug dealers, not his friend, and Izzie understood.
“What are you going to do now?” Izzie asked, with a panicked expression.
“Go back to school.” He was almost finished.
“And then?” She knew Sean well. For him, this was just the beginning. It hadn’t ended with Billy’s death.
“I’ll let you know when I figure it out.”
“When do you finish school?”
“At the end of January.” Izzie knew that didn’t give him time enough to calm down, if he ever would. He was on a sacred mission now. Revenge.
When they went back upstairs, he promised to call her whenever he could. There were only the three of them now, of the original Big Five. She and Sean and Andy. And Kevin had died too, although he was Sean’s brother and not one of their immediate group. Their numbers were dwindling. Everything about the experience had been shocking. She had cried more for Gabby, but she ached more for Billy. It was the third time they had all lived through the agony of loss. And Brian was devastated by the death of his big brother.
She slept on the other twin bed in Sean’s room that night, since Brian and his family had gone home. Sean left the next morning before anyone got up. He had already said his goodbyes the night before. And Izzie didn’t hear him leave. She didn’t know it, but he had gently kissed her cheek before he left.
He texted her when he got back to Quantico, and she didn’t hear from him again for several weeks. Jack and Marilyn and Brian and the twins were still dealing with reporters who showed up every few days. The autopsy had shown a lethal dose of Ecstasy and cocaine in Billy’s system, and a full investigation was being made of clandestine drug use on the team, to make sure that others hadn’t circumvented the drug testing like Billy.
Izzie was back at Atwood, going through the motions in kindergarten, feeling dead inside. Wendy knew that she had gone to school with Billy, and she had told her how sorry she was.
Izzie hardly heard from Sean for the next two months. He had finished his training and moved to Washington for his office job, so she wasn’t worried about him. And in March, without warning anyone beforehand, he came home for a visit. He called Izzie on her cell phone when she left school, and invited her to dinner that night. He took her to a quiet, out-of-the-way restaurant known for its hamburgers. He ordered for both of them, and then looked at her from across the table and took her hand in his.
“How’ve you been?” he asked her with a worried expression. She looked tired and thin to him, and sad, which was how he felt too. It was easier to be angry than to feel the pain of loss again.
“Not so great,” she said honestly, “just like you.” Billy had been dead for three months, and Gabby for four years. Losing Billy had brought it all back. And Kevin had been killed less than a year before Gabby, seven months. They had lost more friends and young people close to them in the last five years than her father had in his entire life. “How is Washington?” she asked. And for a long moment he didn’t answer. She could see he had more to say to her, but he was taking his time about it. She had a feeling she wasn’t going to like whatever it was, and she was right.
He finally told her after they ate their burgers. Izzie only picked at hers. Every time she looked into his eyes, she could sense what was coming, and couldn’t eat.
“I’m going away,” Sean said quietly.
“Someplace bad?” She wanted the truth from him, as much as he could tell her.
“Maybe. I’m not supposed to tell anyone. But I wanted you to know.”
“Did you volunteer for it?” He nodded, and for an instant, she hated him. She couldn’t stand to lose another friend if he was killed. “How long will you be gone?” She remembered all too clearly that he had said he would go to South America one day to fight the drug cartels.
“A year. Maybe less, maybe more. It will depend on where I am and what’s happening. If it jeopardizes other agents, or the operation, I can’t come out.”
“What if you never come back?” she said, with tears bulging in her eyes.
“Then I was lucky I ever knew you, and that you were my friend.” She nodded. She felt the same way, but hated what he was saying and why. They both knew he might be killed on an assignment. He was willing to take that chance. It was what he knew he had to do, and wanted to. She had no doubt about where he would be going. Colombia most likely, or someplace like it. Maybe Mexico.
“It won’t bring Billy and Kevin back, whatever you do there,” she reminded him, but knew it was pointless. Sean was driven, and very stubborn.
“No, but it will save others. Someone has to go after these people,” he said, looking older than his years. Both his brother’s death and now Billy’s had taken a heavy toll on him.
“Why does it have to be you?” she asked, her eyes boring into his, as he squeezed her hand harder, knowing how much he would miss her.
“Because that’s what I do,” Sean said with a determined look.
“I wish you wouldn’t go,” she said softly, and he nodded again, still holding her hand. They both knew he felt he had no choice. It was who he was, and who he had always been. “Will I hear from you?”
“No. I’ll be undercover. It would jeopardize everything. When I come back, you’ll know. I’ll come home.”
“What about your mom?” Izzie was worried about her too. Connie had already been through so much, and she wouldn’t survive losing her only remaining son.
“I told her this afternoon. She understands, and so does my dad.”
“I’m not sure I do,” Izzie said honestly. “It’s not fair to put them through that too.”
“They knew when I went to the FBI Academy that I’d wind up doing something like this, and why.” It had been about Kevin then. Now it was about Billy too. Izzie knew that much.
They left the restaurant quietly, and he took her home.
“When are you going?” she asked, as she sat in the car with him.
“Tomorrow. Take care of yourself, Izzie. I want to find you in one piece when I come home. We’ve been through enough of this shit. Billy has to be the last one.”
“Say that to yourself.” She hated him for going, but she knew why he was doing it. It didn’t really help. “I’ll visit your mom.” He nodded, and then he kissed her cheek, and she got out of the car. She didn’t look back at him. She couldn’t bear seeing him again. She didn’t want to remember him this way—she wanted to remember the good times they had shared, the laughter and the easy days when they were kids. And she was certain, as he drove away, that she had just seen Sean for the last time. He was never coming home again.
Chapter 19
The months after Sean left were infinitely strange. Izzie knew she wouldn’t hear from him, but she didn’t even kno
w where he was. Neither did his mother. Izzie stopped in to see her, usually on weekends, because Connie was working long hours, helping Mike. She looked older to Izzie now whenever she saw her. Marilyn was still devastated, and Judy had never been quite the same after Gabby died. They belonged to a club of women now, to which no one wanted to belong. Mothers who had lost children. The agony of it stayed etched forever in their eyes.
Izzie and Andy e-mailed frequently too. He was doing fine, and he always asked if she had heard from Sean. She said she hadn’t but didn’t explain why. Andy had guessed that he must be on an operation for the FBI somewhere, but he assumed that Izzie knew as little as he did, and he seemed confident that Sean would surface any day. He was busy with medical school, and he always said he and Nancy were doing well. She was happy for him. He seemed very far away now and part of another world.
And then, on Memorial Day weekend, she was invited to a barbecue some of the teachers in the middle school were giving. She didn’t want to go, but Wendy insisted that she should. And with nothing else to do, Izzie went. She wasn’t dating anyone and hadn’t gone out much since Billy died. Wendy wanted to help get her moving.
There were about fifty people at the barbecue, mostly married teachers and their spouses, and a few of them had brought kids. Izzie was talking to the art teacher, who introduced her to her brother. He said he was a writer, and had just moved to San Francisco from Oregon. He was in his early thirties and recently divorced. They talked for a while, and he asked for her e-mail address. Izzie didn’t know why she gave it to him, but she did. He wasn’t scintillating, or particularly good-looking, but he was pleasant to talk to, and intelligent. He had graduated from the writing program at Brown, and was originally from the East.
And the following day he wrote to her and asked her out to dinner the next weekend. She felt like she was still in shock over Billy, and moving under water, but she hadn’t had a date in a year. Both her best friends were away, and she couldn’t even talk to Sean, so she said yes. If nothing else, it would be nice to have a friend.
His name was John Applegarth, and he took her to a museum to see an exhibit she had wanted to see, of neoclassic architecture, and then he took her out to dinner at a Moroccan restaurant she hadn’t been to in years. She had a nice time with him, and then he asked her out again. He had a grant for the book he was writing, and he told her about it over dinner. It didn’t sound exciting, but it sounded interesting, like him. She wasn’t crazy about him, but she liked him. They went to dinner a few more times, and when he made his move to get her into bed, she didn’t really want to, but she slept with him anyway. It was much better than her experience with Andy, and the two she had had since, but it didn’t set her world on fire. She wasn’t in love with him, but she wanted to know if some part of her was still alive. She had felt dead for months. And he revived her in a way, but not enough. It was the best they could do for now.
And then her mother came to town, and took Izzie to dinner as she always did. But this time she didn’t like the way her daughter looked. She knew about Billy. Everybody did, but she could see now how hard it had hit Izzie.
“What about the other two? Do you see them? How are they?” she asked about Andy and Sean. She was worried that Izzie seemed isolated and depressed.
“Andy’s at medical school, working like a lunatic, and Sean is out of touch for a while.” Her mother frowned when Izzie said it and looked at her quizzically.
“What does that mean?”
“He works for the FBI.” It was all she could say, but it was enough. Katherine wanted to shake her. She could sense that her daughter was drowning, and she needed a strong hand to pull her out of the water before she did.
“Is there someone in your life that you’re seeing that you care about?” Katherine asked pointedly. Izzie hesitated for a moment and then shook her head.
“Not really. I’m dating someone, but I’m not crazy about him. He’s kind of quiet, and not really my type,” she said honestly, “but he’s nice enough, and smart.”
Katherine hesitated for a moment then and looked her daughter in the eyes. “That’s not enough. I want you to listen to me, and think about what I say. You’re twenty-three years old. This is the best it’s ever going to be. It doesn’t get better than this. You’re young, you’re beautiful. You can do anything you want. You can have any man you want, go anywhere you want. You’re not tied down by anything or anyone. You’re completely free. You have a job that’s below your capabilities. You lead a quiet life, almost no life from what I can see. Two of your best friends died, at a shockingly young age. The other two are far away and you don’t talk to them. You live in a small provincial town. And you’re dating a guy you admit you don’t care about, who doesn’t excite you.
“If you let life pass you by now, it won’t ever come back. You don’t get another chance. Your father did that to himself with his work at the ACLU. He got bogged down helping poor people and forgot about himself, and the career and life he could have had. Work isn’t everything, but he was and probably still is a brilliant lawyer. I know he loves what he does, but he could have done better. Izzie, you need passion about life. That’s why I took the job I did and got out of Dodge, because life was passing me by. I don’t want that to happen to you. I screwed it up with you, but the other decisions I made, about my life and career, were right for me. That’s what I want for you. You can have anything you want, if you go out and get it. If you claim it as your own. You have a right to it. Izzie, you need to wake yourself up and take a grab at life. No one is going to hand it to you.”
It was a major wake-up call, and in some ways, Izzie knew her mother was right. Maybe not about her father, who loved his wife and little girl, and his work, even if it seemed unexciting to her mother. But she was right about her, and had been about herself. Her mother had the life she wanted, whatever it had taken her to get it. And Izzie didn’t. She enjoyed her job at Atwood, but the rest was a morass of mediocrity, and she knew it, and she was beginning to realize that in some ways she had stopped trying when Gabby died. She had lost hope about her own life. If Gabby could be swept off a street corner and killed instantly, so could she. And what was the point of trying, or living, or even caring about anything, if it could all be over in a minute, the people you loved could die, or you could die yourself? She had protected herself by not trying, at anything. She was living day to day, and just waiting to be hit by a bus, or for lightning to strike her dead, just as it had Gabby or even Billy. Their deaths had hit her hard. And Katherine knew what she was talking about. Although they were different, and Katherine had never been there for her, Izzie respected her. She was accurate in what she said. And Gabby’s death, and then Billy’s, had impacted Izzie’s faith in life, her will to live, and the quality of her life.
“What are you doing this summer?” Katherine persisted.
“Nothing much. I was going to take some classes to help me with work, but I never got around to signing up,” she admitted sheepishly. In truth, she had been too depressed to do it. And she was worried about Sean dying too. She couldn’t stand losing another friend, if it happened, but she knew it could any day. She expected to hear the news that he was dead. She had been waiting to hear it ever since he left.
“I want you to do something fun. I don’t care what it is. Go to Indonesia, Vietnam, Mexico. The Galápagos. Take dance lessons. Meet people, get out, get rid of the guy you don’t care about, and find one you do. You’re sinking, Izzie. I want you to wake up. I’ll pay for anything you want to do, or anywhere you want to go. But I want you to have fun!” She looked earnest as she said it. Izzie could see she meant it, and was touched.
“Do you have fun at what you do?” It was a question Izzie had always wondered about and never asked her.
“Yes, I do. I love my work. I work hard. I play hard. And I love Charles, as eccentric and crazy as he is. We have a good time together. That’s what you need. A guy you have fun with. You’ve already seen the sa
d side of life. Too much of it, at your age. Now you need to go throw some good stuff in the other side of the scale.”
“I wouldn’t even know what to do, or where to go,” she admitted sadly to her mother.
“Figure it out. You’ve got the time. I’ve got the money. Go for it!” she said, smiling at Izzie, who suddenly felt closer to her than she ever had. “Give yourself a week to make some plans, and then go!”
Izzie had a lot to think about after their dinner. She hugged her mother close when she left, and she went home to look at some travel magazines, and check some things out on the Internet. There were ads for the Caribbean, Morocco, safaris in Africa. But what kept appealing to her was Argentina and Brazil. She had heard that Brazil was dangerous for a woman traveling alone, so maybe Argentina. She looked at some more Internet sites then, and got the names of some good hotels. It sounded better and better to her as she read about it. She could learn to dance the tango, she thought to herself, and then laughed out loud. It was an unfamiliar sound, and she realized suddenly that she hadn’t laughed since Billy died, and maybe long before that. She was excited for the first time in months, maybe years. She called her mother the next day and told her her plan. Katherine liked the idea, although she warned her to be careful traveling alone in South America and wanted her to get a driver, and Izzie promised that she would. Katherine told her she would gladly pay for it.
“Why don’t you meet us in the South of France after that? We rented a house in St. Tropez.” Izzie felt like a world traveler just thinking about it. But Katherine was her mother, and she could afford it.
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