Her vehemence shocked Allison to silence.
“I know how much you wanted that baby, but I kept asking myself what would happen if the doctors’ prognosis was right. It was an awful choice, but I couldn’t risk losing the daughter I knew and loved to save an unborn child I’d never met. Then, if you’d died after giving birth, your child would have been left motherless. Just like Caleb. Only in this case, Pam wouldn’t have been there to take care of him. You had a husband, who would have been a single father. Who would have re-married. I might have lost touch with my grandchild.
“I’d have lost you both, Allison. I just couldn’t bear the thought. And I won’t apologize for it,” she said, her voice breaking. “You’re a mother now. You should be able to understand.”
Allison squeezed her eyes tight to hold back the tears. It was true. Hadn’t she just proved that she’d do anything for her godson? Even give up the man she loved.
“I do,” she whispered. “I’m sorry. None of what happened was your fault.”
Her mother blew her nose, then said, “Well, it wasn’t yours, either. Bad things happen sometimes. We can’t make sense of it. All we can do is hold tight to the people we love and go forward.”
Bad things happen. Like a senseless car accident on a sunny morning. Like a cancerous growth competing for space with an unborn child.
“You’d better get some sleep, honey,” her mother said. “Things will look better in the morning. I promise.”
Allison said goodbye and hung up. Maybe her mother was right. Maybe a good night’s sleep would help. In the morning, she’d drive up the hill and wait for Jake and Caleb to return from their mysterious trip. Maybe if they both talked to Cordelia they could convince her that she would always have a place in her grandson’s life. And if not, well...they’d deal with that, too.
Chapter 15
Jake couldn’t believe his luck. A hunt through the phone directory had paid off with a voice from the past. His old caseworker, who still lived not five miles from here. The man was a teacher now, and although school was out for the holiday break, he’d been on his way out the door. “You just caught me,” the man said. “I promised my wife and daughter a trip to Sea World today.”
After exchanging general information about their lives, the man said, “I’m really glad you called, Jake. You and your brother were the reality check I needed to get my feet on the ground. I started out planning to save the world. After your case, I realized I couldn’t even protect one little boy who just wanted to be reunited with the big brother he worshipped.”
The man’s voice stirred up memories that were both cruel and heartwarming. Phillip had admired Jake and had tried to emulate him—which was one reason Jake’s father had been so bitter. “Don’t you get it?” Rod Westin asked that day at the hospital. “Your brother thinks you’re the sun and moon, and all you can do is fight. As a role model, you stink.”
Jake had tried to convince himself that his father was wrong, but deep inside the words rang true. Phillip had followed Jake around since the kid had been big enough to crawl. And just as Padre Avila had once commented, Jake had started to think of the little boy as his own child. But the system that held power over them both refused to let the brothers stay together.
“I’m in town with my godson and thought I’d pay my respects to Phillip’s grave,” Jake explained softly so as not to wake up Caleb. “But the last time I was here... well, I’m not sure I can find it.”
The man gave him directions. They chatted a few minutes more, then said goodbye.
As he stared blankly at the cars moving around the sunny parking lot, Jake thought about his early years. He pictured his mother as short-tempered and nervous, but very beautiful with waist-length black hair. She’d walk around with an ashtray in one hand, a lit cigarette in the other—no matter which of her children was in the room.
Jake couldn’t recall a single time that she’d played a game with him or read him a book, the way Allison did with Caleb. Jake might never have known how normal mothers were supposed to act, if he hadn’t met Kenny.
Kenny’s birth father was a fiery-tempered Sicilian, who worked for a government contractor and had a drinking problem. His mother was a sweet woman who’d been to college. She kept their house filled with books and often took Kenny and Jake to the library.
Jake turned to look at Caleb, who was still sleeping. His hair needed cutting. He looked older than the child who had visited him in August, yet very young—and vulnerable. He needed a mother. Someone like Allison who let him snuggle on her lap while they read great adventure stories or learned about spiders.
The importance of a mother’s role in a child’s life—and a grandmother’s for that matter—couldn’t be overstressed.
Caleb let out a sharp cry, as if in pain. He wrestled with the covers until his arms were free. He shook his head from side to side, his eyes scrunched tight.
Jake rushed to the bed. “What is it, buddy? Wake up.”
“Don’t go, Mommy,” Caleb cried, his eyes blinking against the light.
Jake shook the child gently by the shoulders and moved into his line of vision. “It’s okay, Caleb. I’m here. Allison is at home waiting for us. With Rom and Cleo.” He made himself add, “And your grandma.”
The child let out a long, deflating sigh. “Daddy?”
Jake’s heart twisted. “He’s not here, pal. Will I do?”
Caleb looked at Jake, his eyes filled with tears—and trust. Jake remembered the look all too well. Phillip had trusted him but Jake had been too young, too poor and too powerless to keep the boy safe. But Jake wasn’t going to fail another kid.
“What do you say we get some pancakes then go visit my brother?”
Caleb scratched at a red dot on his nose. “Okay.”
“But first, you’re going to swim in oatmeal.”
Caleb let out a surprised bark. “Huh?”
Jake showed him an envelope. “An oatmeal bath. It’s supposed to help the itching.”
Caleb seemed to find that idea hilarious. He scrambled out of bed and raced to the bathroom. “Can we call Ally and tell her?”
Jake looked at his watch. Not quite seven. “She’s probably doing her exercises. We’ll try later. Maybe on our way home, so she knows when to expect us.”
Jake now had two things to tell her. One, he wasn’t leaving. They’d find a way to convince Cordelia that she had nothing to fear. Jake would make sure Caleb’s grandmother would always be a part of his life. And two...well, she may have figured that one out on her own if she’d cashed the check Matt Hughes—his assistant, who’d jumped at the chance of becoming a managing partner in Jake’s new bicoastal operation—had sent to Jeffries Computing.
Caleb didn’t like it here. There were weird sculptures all over the ground. And there were funny blocks with pictures on them. Caleb was glad the big black stone over his mommy and daddy’s grave didn’t have pictures. He didn’t even like seeing R.Y.D.E.L.L. there. He knew that meant his name, and Caleb didn’t want to be under the rock—even if it meant seeing his parents again.
“Jake, I don’t wanna go anymore.”
Jake dropped down low so they could face each other. Caleb liked that about Jake. He took time to listen. Caleb couldn’t remember if his other dad did that or not. It kinda bothered him that he couldn’t remember his mommy and daddy real clear anymore, but Ally said not to worry. That his head was just filling up with new stuff because he was growing and learning, but that Caleb would never really forget them.
“What’s up, buddy? Getting tired?”
“No. I just don’t like it here.”
Jake nodded. “Me, either. So, I promise, I’ll make this super quick. Just drop the flowers and say goodbye.”
Caleb frowned. “How come you didn’t tell him goodbye before?”
“Before he died?”
Caleb didn’t like that word, either. “Uh-huh.”
Jake put one knee on the ground and pulled Caleb over so h
e could sit on his lap. Jake’s big body helped block the wind. Not that Caleb was cold. The new sweatshirt Allison had given him for Christmas was nice and warm, but Caleb saw a movie once where ghosts got out of their graves and walked around touching people. He hated that movie.
“He was in the hospital,” Jake said.
“Like Gramma Cordelia?”
“Not exactly. She’s almost well. Phillip was too sick to have visitors. And after he died, my dad wouldn’t let me go to the funeral. He thought I was too young.”
“I got to go to my mommy and daddy’s funeral.”
Jake’s smile made Caleb feel good inside. And safe. He hoped Jake never left, the way his mommy and daddy had. “Exactly,” Jake said. “And remember how we cried when we put flowers on their graves?”
Caleb nodded. He’d cried because everyone around him was crying, but he didn’t tell Jake that.
“Then afterward, we felt better, right?”
Caleb definitely agreed with that. It felt a lot better not to cry.
“That’s what I want to do this morning. Put flowers on Phillip's grave then we leave for home. Are you with me? I can’t do it without you.”
Caleb felt proud to be needed. “Okay, but then I want to call Mommy. I mean Ally.”
Jake rose and took Caleb’s hand. As they walked to a part of the cemetery where the blocks—headstones, Jake called them—were smaller and less fancy, Jake said, “You know, Caleb, I think it would be okay if you called Allison Mommy all the time.”
Caleb looked up. “Really? She won’t be mad?” Remembering Allison’s tears the few times he’d said the word by mistake, he added, “Or sad?”
Jake shook his head. “I think she’d be very happy. And any time you feel like you want to call me Daddy, go for it.”
Caleb’s tummy suddenly felt kinda funny—in a good way. He knew something had happened on this trip that changed things.
They were wandering down a lane between little white crosses, when Jake stopped abruptly. “There it is.”
He let go of Caleb’s hand and walked closer. He got down on his knees and touched the words that were written in the cross. “Phillip John Westin. Hello, little brother. Long time, no see.”
Caleb looked around, but all he could see was grass. Nice, green grass. Big trees—some tall skinny ones, some without any leaves at all. Not far away sat a fence and a long row of fat bushes with pretty pink flowers.
“This is a good place,” he said, hoping to make Jake feel better.
Jake wasn’t crying but he looked sad.
At Caleb’s words, Jake took a big breath and glanced around. “Yes, it is. I used to picture it as dark and scary, but it’s not.”
A fat gray bird hopped across the grass nearby. “The birds come here,” Caleb said, pointing. “We should have brought them some food.”
“Next time,” Jake said, getting to his feet.
He left the flowers propped against the cross, but they tilted precariously and Caleb fixed them so they wouldn’t fall down. Glancing up, he asked, “Can we bring Ally—I mean, Mommy, too?”
Jake turned away to look at the street, but Caleb heard him say, “Good idea.”
Caleb knew that Jake felt sad now. He remembered leaving the cemetery where his parents were. He’d cried, then, because he wanted them to come back, but Ally said they couldn't because their souls were in heaven.
“Is your brother in heaven, Jake? Where my mommy and daddy are?”
Jake made a grunt that sounded like, “Yes.”
Caleb walked to his godfather’s side and took his hand. “Then, maybe he’s their little boy, now. Like I’m yours and Ally’s.”
“Oh, Caleb,” Jake said, reaching down to pick him up. “You are an amazing kid. I love you. And I am so thankful your parents let me be a part of your life.”
Jake hugged him tight. Caleb couldn’t see his godfather’s face, but he felt him cry. It scared him a little at first until he remembered Ally telling him, “Tears of love are a good thing.” Jake loved him.
He needed to tell Ally that. Right away. Caleb wasn’t sure why this felt so important, but he knew he had to share his news with her as quickly as possible.
“Can we call Mommy and tell her?”
Jake swallowed and wiped his face with his sleeve. “Tell her what?”
“That you’re my daddy. For good. You are, right?”
Jake’s smile was better than pancakes and syrup. “Oh, yeah. I’m not going anywhere—except home.”
He set Caleb down and took his hand. “Come on. We’ll call Mommy from the road. And Grandma Cordelia, too.”
Allison fought her way out of a deep, comatose sleep. She thought she heard a distant ringing, but it could have been a dream. She opened her eyes, blinking against the gloom.
Her nose was cold. Am I camping? Then, she spotted her furniture. She was on the couch in her living room, and her furnace’s energy-saving setting must have turned off the unit. She didn’t know what time it was, but since the sky was more gray than black, it had to be daytime.
She moved under the thick down comforter, trying to decide how she felt. Sick. Miserable. Contagious. There was no way she could go to the office today. Besides feeling horrible, she’d pass her germs to her employees. Then she remembered. Today was New Year’s Eve. She’d given everyone at Jeffries Computing the day off.
Braving the chill, she snaked her arm out to reach for her purse, which had fallen over on the floor. Her phone was dead. What if Jake had tried calling her? What if Caleb was worse?
The thought provided the impetus to drive her to her feet. She wrapped the blanket around her and stumbled to the kitchen where her answering machine sat. Pulling up a chair because she felt dizzy and slightly nauseated, she sat down to check her messages.
Drawing the phone closer, she noticed a red light flashing the number eighty-seven. “I have eighty-seven messages?” she mumbled. “Good Lord, when was the last time I checked them?”
She couldn’t remember. Obviously, it had been a long time ago. “Too bad. If they’re this old, they can’t be too important.” With a long sigh, she hit delete. Or so she thought.
The machine made a clunking sound as the recorder started to play back the first message. “Hey, girly-girl. Are you at work already? Jeesch. Don’t you ever sleep, oh computer-vampire-geek?”
Behind the familiar laugh was the sound of a car on the road. Allison’s breathing stopped. “No, God, please no,” she prayed while the message continued.
“I just wanted to tell you that Kenny and I are on the way to the snow and we’ve been talking. We think you should come to Florida with us over spring break to meet Jake. I know. I know. I always said the two of you are too much alike, but I’ve changed my mind. He may project an image that’s all Jake the Rake, but deep down, he’s very tenderhearted and vulnerable. Like you.” Pam giggled. “There I go contradicting myself again. Sorry, but I know when I’m right. And I’m right now. You and Jake would be very cool together.
“But Kenny says he’ll take away your babysitting privileges if you break his best friend’s heart.”
Allison heard Kenny’s voice in the background but couldn’t make out his words.
Pam let out a sigh and said, “Okay. It’s been nice talking to you. I’ll tell you more about our matchmaking scheme when I see you. Gotta go. White powder waits. Love ya.”
Allison hit the stop button then slid to the floor weeping. She curled in a ball and let all the bottled-up grief of the past weeks spew forth. She didn’t know how this could have happened. How had she failed to check her answering machine even once since the accident?
Her only excuse was that she’d left her life on hold the instant that deputy had called.
As her tears subsided, Allison wiped her eyes and nose with the comer of the blanket. She tried not to think, but her mind refused to shut down. Why that message, Pam? Why now?
Allison knew the answer. Pam never passed up a chance to give Allis
on the benefit of her opinion. Allison might be the pragmatist, the planner, but Pam was insightful, instinctual and often spotted solutions that Allison had overlooked.
Allison clambered awkwardly to her feet. She grabbed her jacket, backpack and car keys. Even though she felt horrible, she was going home. She needed to be there when Jake and Caleb—her family—returned.
The Subaru pulled into the driveway twenty minutes later—a new record. The house was warm and smelled of candles, cookies and kids. The kitchen was neat and tidy. She dropped her backpack on the hall table and wandered down the hall, looking for her cats.
Not in her room. Or Caleb’s.
She found them curled up on Jake’s pillow. Rom lifted his head and gave a lukewarm greeting. “Fickle beasts,” she muttered. She sat down on the bed. “That’s the best you can do? Meow?”
The animals looked at each other, then Cleo, by far the more compassionate of the two, rose and walked to her mistress’s side. She rubbed her nose against Allison’s back. Suddenly feeling too warm, Ally took off her jacket and tossed it on the foot of the bed. “I could call them,” she said. “Find out when they’ll be back.”
She picked up the phone beside the bed and punched in Jake’s cell number. A sudden chill made her kick off her shoes and dive under the covers. Eyes closed, she listened to the voice mail message. “Hi, this is Jake Westin. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you.” Beep.
“It’s me. My cats have adopted you. Did you know that?” She took a deep breath. “And Pam thinks we’d be great together. She told me so. This morning.” Allison sighed. She knew she sounded crazy, but she was too tired to care. “Could you come home soon? I...need you.”
There was something else she’d meant to add but it slipped her mind. She started to hang up, then it came to her. “Oh, and my mother says to tell you I love you. ’Bye.”
“She looks like Goldilocks,” Caleb whispered. “Only with brown hair.”
Jake had spotted Ally’s car the minute he pulled into the cul-de-sac. He’d found her purse and un-charged cell phone on the floor. He knew she was here—he’d retrieved his messages as soon as he and Caleb cleared the dead zone where cellular reception was spotty. He just hadn’t expected to find her curled up in his bed, with her cats standing guard.
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