by H. M. Jones
He put his hands in the air. She closed the knife and put it in her pocket. He scoffed, amused at her unwillingness to use it, and made to stand. Abigail spun on her right foot and kicked him in the head with her left. His body went limp as the kick made contact, and he fell to the ground, unconscious.
Someone grabbed Abigail’s shoulder from behind. She grabbed the person’s arm, thinking Geoff got the better of Ishmael. Then bent over, ready to fling him to the ground. “Abby, don’t!” Ishmael called out. She let go of his arm and apologized.
“It’s my fault. I shouldn’t sneak up on a ninja.”
She shook her head in relief and laughed, embarrassed. “Now you know.”
He motioned to the tree, where Geoff lay bleeding from his nose, doubled over in pain. Ishmael went over to Eric and checked his pulse. Abigail put her hands on her hips. “I didn’t kill him!”
Ishmael raised his hands in defense. “Just checking.”
He stood. “Where the hell did you learn to fight? I am, quite honestly, afraid of you right now.”
She shrugged. “I’ve never been a fan of low-impact workouts. As you’ve probably discerned, I have a temper. Martial Arts and kick-boxing help me keep it under control. Not pansy-dance kick-boxing crap, either. The real thing. I started doing MMA a few years before I got pregnant. I’m a little rusty now.”
Ishmael walked towards Geoff. “I don’t want to see you when you’re not rusty, then.”
Abigail shook her head, weary. “What are we going to do about these two?” She gestured to the struggling Geoff and the unconscious Eric.
“I think they deserve to be tied to the trees here and left until someone decides to come this way, which doesn’t happen very often,” Ishmael answered.
She shook her head. “Let’s just go. Tie Geoff’s hands. We’ll get a good head start and leave them behind.”
He shook his head. “They won’t give up, Abby. They’ll just find us again. We have to do something more than just leave them here to follow us again.”
She walked over to Geoff, and got to work tying his hands.
“We’ll find you no matter where you go. We’ll…”
She put a finger to his mouth. “Shush.” Geoff, to her surprise, listened. “Ishmael wants to leave you both tied up here, gagged for God knows how long. He feels like it’s a fair trade for how you treated us.”
Geoff’s fear was apparent. “But I hear the woods are bad to be in at night, and I don’t feel like having you on my conscience.” Geoff’s face lightened.
Abigail continued, “So, what do you think we should do?”
Ishmael slapped the sides of his legs in exasperation. “You’re asking the man who tried to force one of your best memories from you?”
Abigail held up a hand to silence him. Geoff’s voice quivered, “Okay. We won’t follow you.”
“I don’t believe you, but I won’t leave you for dead either.” She knew this man was being fed on anger and revenge and anything she or Ishmael did to keep him from them was sure to make him more determined. She wasn’t sure if what she did next would change his mind, but she couldn’t think of anything better.
“Have you ever been to the ocean, Geoff?”
He seemed confused but he answered, “No. I’m from Nebraska. Never left the state except to go to Iowa a couple times.”
Abigail nodded. “I thought you might be Midwestern. I can spot my own kind.”
She faced Ishmael. “Make sure Eric doesn’t wake up.”
She heard Ishmael walking towards Eric. “What are you doing, Abby?” She didn’t answer. She leaned down next to Geoff, whose expression was baffled. She closed her eyes and concentrated:
She sat on a beach and dug her toes into the sun-warmed sand. If she dug them in deep enough, she’d reach the damp sand below, where the sandcastle sand hid. It wasn’t far down, since the tide was always fairly high here.
She lifted her head to the sun and felt it penetrate her skin and warm her hair. The temperature was cool, a breeze from over the ocean filled her nostrils with the scent of salt, driftwood, and that unnamable fishy odor so many people hated, but she couldn’t get enough of.
She opened her eyes and was met with the beauty of the ocean tide rolling in. Spray was carried on the wind and into her upturned face. The waves were monstrous far back in the ocean, but by the time they reached where she was seated on the shore, they were just large enough to reach her buried toes. She knew she needed to move back from the water soon, to keep her book and blanket from getting wet, but she wanted to hold off and tease the waves a little bit longer.
She watched as the next waves rolled in and the water, shells and seaweed tickled her toes. Her feet were covered in grainy ocean foam, and were chilled from the cold Pacific water. The sound of the waves pushing against each other calmed her, the sun warmed her, the water cooled her feet and the feel of sand between her toes and fingers made her feel powerful. This is why I moved back. Abigail thought. She heard a deep voice call to her…
She opened her eyes. No, that voice was why she moved back to Washington. The rest of the memory was hers. Her brain contained many ocean memories, but this one was strong because it came after a ten-year absence from the ocean. The man calling to her was her dad. She’d just moved back to Washington to go to college and spend some time with him, and that day on the beach she and her dad laid out a picnic, collected shells and talked about life and their future, among other things.
She learned so much about the man she barely knew that day. Everything she learned made her feel that biology must play a big role in personality. She’d never been around someone who seemed to get her so completely. The way he crinkled his eyes when he thought, his nose scrunching up as if the air smelled terribly—it was like looking in a mirror. And how he thought, the things he loved—reading, history, politics, museums, theory—he shared her passions. She wasn’t the weird one around her dad; she was his little girl, and he was proud of her.
So Abigail concentrated on the first part of the memory, and on the joyful, sleepy feeling the ocean gave her, the sound of waves surging, reaching foamy fingers towards her toes. She lifted her hand to Geoff. His eyes were wide and frightened. She touched him lightly on the head and an ocean-blue memory flowed from her fingertips and into his mind.
Geoff’s eyes went from frightened, to confused, to far off. He was seeing the ocean for the first time. Awe settled upon his face, as he closed his eyes to better see the memory. Abigail made to stand and she stumbled, but Ishmael was behind her already. “Abby, what did you give him?”
She rose, with his help, gripping his hand tighter than necessary, trying not to relish the tension in his arms as he helped her up. “I gave him rest. Let’s move on, shall we?”
He shook his head in disbelief. “That was a blue memory. A blue memory is too much…”
She squeezed his hand before dropping it. “I have others and, when I get home, I’ll make more. Besides, it’s less than they wanted, for sure. Let’s go before they wake up.”
She put her arm around Ishmael’s shoulder, when he offered her help. She was pretty tired from giving the memory and from the fight, but for the first time she wasn’t sad from having given one away. Seeing the peaceful expression on Geoff’s face made her feel very good about having done so.
It gave her a joyful heart. Hopefully it made a difference. She often found a surprising act of kindness worked better than an act of bitterness fed by anger. Either way, it was the best she felt since getting to Monochrome, so she couldn’t regret doing it.
As tired as Abigail was, she allowed Ishmael to lead her onward. They walked in silence for a short time after leaving Eric and Geoff. Ishmael cleared his throat.
“What is it?”
He kicked sharp rocks sheepishly. “I want you to forgive me and trust me again. I know it may be asking too much after lying to you and then getting you in the middle of this thing with Geoff.”
“I don’t have much o
f a choice, do I?”
He frowned. “I don’t want that to be the reason you choose to stay with me. Because you have no better option. I don’t want this to be the least of two shitty options. When I saw Eric messing with you, I felt like killing them both, Abby. I would’ve left them for dead if you hadn’t stopped me. I know how I feel for you may not affect your opinion of what I do for a living and what I’ve done so far, but I care about you and I want to help you.” He stopped speaking, as if he’d already said too much.
Abigail felt her jaw clench in frustration. “I’m still pretty angry with you, but I guess I can see why you’d be desperate in this place.” She paused. “I probably wouldn’t have made the same choices you have, but I don’t know your story and I’m not in your position. I don’t know why you chose to stay.” She gazed upwards, searching for the source of the silver light, avoiding his eyes, and the answers sitting in their depths.
“I can only assume life must have let you down. I mean, I get the urge to stay; I have it now. It might be easier for those I love if I just disappeared. I don’t want to return to Reality just to ruin the life of my husband and child.”
Ishmael stopped walking. “Abby…”
“Don’t worry. I still plan on going home. If my husband doesn’t want me, I can still try to be a better mom from now on.”
Ishmael continued walking. “It’s not your fault. Depression makes people crazy, irrational.”
Abigail shrugged but she glowed inside; it felt good to have someone understand how she felt. “Yeah. I suppose. You know, I used to be a good wife.”
“I’ve guessed as much.”
“I have more good memories of him than bad, and the bad ones aren’t all bad.”
Ishmael just nodded.
“When I first saw him…” She grinned. “I don’t know how to explain it. I had to make him mine. And it wasn’t a sexual thing. Well, not all sexual. It was just a feeling he was exactly what I was missing out on. He was whatever every other man I’d known was not.”
She laughed. “It sounds silly, I know, but it’s true.”
Ishmael stopped walking. “No, it sounds great. I don’t think anyone has ever said something so nice about me, or, if they have, I don’t remember it now.”
Abigail’s heart sank for Ishmael. “Why did you stay here? Was it that bad back home?”
His eyebrows drew together. “Not bad, just pointless. I don’t believe in a higher purpose. I’m not sure I believe in unconditional love or love at all, and I’m not sure I want to bring another being into a life I don’t even want to live. As you can imagine, it’s difficult to keep friends or lovers around with such a bleak outlook on life. It was always fine at first, but pretty much everyone got tired of my attitude after a while.”
She wasn’t sure what to say. She didn’t want to be condescending and say something cliché, so she just put her arm in his and walked next to him. She couldn’t imagine feeling like life was pointless every day all the time. She didn’t feel that way, even if she was desperately sad. No, she felt she had a purpose. She just knew she was making a mess of it all.
Finally, Abigail spoke. “I forgive you. Just don’t lie to me anymore, okay?”
“I won’t,” he replied.
“I think someone loved you before. You may not have the memory, but I think you must’ve been loved, and I don’t believe you’ve never felt love either.”
His voice was lighter, if somewhat sad, as he answered. “You’re right. There is someone I love, who loves me, but it wasn’t enough. I’ll keep her memories until I have nothing left to give.”
“Who?”
He beamed. “My mommy, of course.”
Abigail giggled. “That’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever heard.”
She put her arm through his, and he laughed with her. “Yeah, I’m a momma’s boy.”
Abigail stopped walking. “Come with me.”
He frowned. “I am coming with you.”
She shook her head. “No, I mean come home with me, across the border.”
He took his hat off and ran his hand through his hair. “I’ve thought about going back before, but not in a long time.” He shook his head. “I just don’t know what to do, especially after having been here so long. I mean, the stuff I’ve done…How does a man come back?” His face was glacial.
She kept her hand on his arm. “Exactly! You did those things to keep going, to hold on to memories that are yours, that are special. Why fight every day? Why not come home and make new, better memories?”
She motioned around her. “You’re not going to make any here, and this place will eventually win. You’ve seen it. You don’t want to end up like Geoff or Eric or any of your other lost Leads and you don’t have to. You said I’m not meant for this place, but it’s clear to me you’re not either.”
Ishmael shook his head. “I don’t know how you can say so, knowing how many times I’ve been paid because I didn’t try to help my Leads. You have experienced what I do. You’ve been tested and it was my fault. How can I go home and forget what I did?” He sighed. “I’ll have to think about it, okay?”
She was searching for the words to convince him, but was caught off guard by what happened next. He whirred around, put his arms around her neck and held her tight. His mouth tickled her ear as he whispered, “I don’t know if you’re right about me not belonging here, but I do know what you’re wrong about.”
She didn’t know how to respond to this new intimacy, so she just put her arms around his waist, and hugged him back. “What?”
She felt his face shift next to her cheek, and she could tell he was smiling. “I have made good memories here. I didn’t think it was possible, either. I’ve never met anyone like you.”
Ishmael let his grip on Abigail go and backed away, still holding her arms. “And I’m not sure I will again, even if I go home. I’m here because I’m not good at life. Those people who know how to seize the day? I’m not one of those, and I never had the means to seize more than a hot dog from a street vendor, anyway.” He dropped his hands to his sides, and gazed at her with hunger.
She cleared her throat and shied away from his intent stare. “Okay, if that’s true and you have made good memories with me, do you want to lose them all? I’m not staying, so you’ll eventually lose me and then you’ll lose the memories of me, one by one.”
His silence spoke more than words; he didn’t want to lose her. He just put his hat back on and frowned her way. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a cigarette from his pack and lit it.
Finally, after taking a few drags, he said, “I’ll have to think about this more, okay? I don’t want to talk about it anymore right now and talking is slowing us down, anyway.”
She knew he was right. They kept pausing and ambling in order to talk, and it was getting them nowhere fast. “We can talk when we next stop.”
He exhaled. “We staying indoors tonight?” She nodded. He moved ahead. “Then we better walk faster. The next town is a ways off, and we want to make it before we lose the light.”
*
Abigail felt fatigue, sore muscles and lack of food getting to her. She and Ishmael had walked for hours and it was hard to tell if they’d made any progress. I should’ve eaten the rest of that disgusting sandwich.
She trusted Ishmael knew where he was going, but everything was an identical blur to her. Her legs felt like they were made of lead, her face and neck throbbed where she’d been hit and cut, and she was getting a headache from the dull silver light that shone all around them, but came from nowhere.
Ishmael trudged ahead of her, but his pace was slowing as well. He hadn’t finished his food at the bar either, opting to go after her instead. He smoked throughout the walk, but said very little. She watched his back as he walked ahead of her, noting the slump to his shoulders the more they walked. It was a good thing she was paying attention, too, because he stopped suddenly in front of her, and brought his hands around his back in a stretch.
He nodded to her. “You’re tired.”
She yawned wearily and searched for somewhere to sit. She saw a stump off to the left of the path, went to it and sat down. Her legs immediately felt lighter and throbbed less as she stretched them in front of her. He followed her and sat on the ground against a navy tree, across from where she was seated. “We have a couple hours of light left. Two at most.”
She noted the hesitance in his voice. “Will it be enough to make it to shelter?”
He bit his cheek. “I don’t think so. Not enough to make it to town, anyway. Because of the mix-up with Geoff and Eric, we’re running a couple hours behind. It’s messed with our chances of getting somewhere tonight. I was worried it might, but didn’t realize just how much time we lost.”
She felt her stomach drop. “So what does that mean? Do we have to stay outside? With Geoff and Eric on our tails and God knows what or who prowling around out there?”
Ishmael scratched his short beard. “Well, there is another option, but it’s risky.”
“What’s the option?”
Ishmael picked up a blue twig and picked at its bark. “I know we’re about an hour off the path from a Guide’s post. It will put us a little behind for tomorrow but we’d have free shelter for the night.”
“What’s a Guide’s post?”
Ishmael scratched in the silver-blue dirt with a twig. “A few Guides have set them up throughout Monochrome. They’re little one room cabins Guides use to keep shelter when we’re not working. The thing is, they aren’t set along the path because Guides don’t want them to become shelter for whatever Roamer happens upon them, but it’s never guaranteed to be empty. This one’s pretty deep into the forest, and I’ve only been there once.”
Abigail put her face in her hands. “There’s no way we can make it to the next town, even if we pick up the pace?”
But Ishmael was already shaking his head. “Abby, you’re dead on your feet. I’m not sure you can move faster, and for good reason. You’ve been in two pretty crazy fights, we’ve been walking for two days with little rest and you’ve received very little sustenance. We might be able to make it to town if we jogged, but you can barely walk, and I know I can’t jog.”