“You know, today would have been my seven month anniversary,” Tess whispered.
Oh, holy hell. “I’m sorry,” was all he could manage to say, as he drank from his own cup. He expected her to start crying any moment and then he would be stuck. After all the facts he’d learned about her over the last weeks, Ford wanted to comfort her, but he also didn’t want to be anywhere near her. She was pulling feelings out of him that he thought were buried too deep to reach.
Instead of crying, she laughed. It was a cynical, bitter sound. “I can’t even remember what Jack’s arms felt like around me anymore. He used to come up next to me and say, ‘Side hug!’ and squeeze me until I couldn’t breathe, but I can’t feel it anymore. Does that make me a bad person?”
Ford shook his head. “No, it doesn’t. Most people get to grieve properly when they lose a loved one.”
“You’re right.” Tess pursed her lips. “But I did get to grieve. I got six months before the shit started hitting the fan.”
Ford was about to tell her that a few months weren’t nearly enough time, but she spoke again before he could.
“Want to know a secret?”
He tensed and sat up a little straighter in his chair. “Sure.” Please God, don’t let her confess.
“I was already starting to feel better after about a month,” Tess admitted. “I loved Jack with all my heart, but I couldn’t help thinking ‘shit, Tess, you’re only twenty-five.’ Like I knew the rest of my life was in front of me, and that maybe this all happened for a reason. Of course, the minute I started admitting that to myself, I fell right back into the whole grief pool and cried for days.”
Ford had to admit to himself it did shock him a little. All the stories he’d been hearing about the fairytale romance between Tess and Jack had him convinced they were more deeply in love than Snow White and Prince Charming. He sort of thought Tess would have been one of those women who held onto widowhood and grief for decades before moving on.
“Now that makes me a bad person, doesn’t it?”
Ford shook his head again, before he could think about it. “I don’t think so at all. I think you’re young and under a lot of pressure.”
“Know why Jack and I were together?” Tess turned the cup around in circles in her hands as if to warm her fingers against the ceramic. “We didn’t know anything different and we didn’t want to know anything different.” She took another sip before taking a deep breath. “It was easy. We got along. We liked each other. We fell in love with each other early on. But now that he’s gone, I can’t help but wonder if we were too young. We never dated anyone else. We never kissed anyone else. We just kept taking all the normal steps in life forward, together, but did we do it because we wanted to? Or because it was easier not to struggle?”
Ford didn’t know how to respond. He knew about taking the easy way out. He understood what it was like not to question a situation. He accepted things at face value without bothering to dig deeper. Everything she was saying made perfect sense to him.
Now she did begin to cry a little. Two big, fat tears squeezed out of each of her eyes and rolled lazily down her cheeks, but she did nothing to wipe them away. She took a deep, shuddery breath and tried to smile at him. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be bothering you with all this.”
“It’s okay.” Ford reached for his cigarettes and stood up. “I need a smoke.”
“Okay.”
“Join me outside for some air?”
Tess smirked. “Fresh air or second-hand smoke?”
Ford rolled his eyes and shook his head, leading the way outside. They both leaned against the building. Ford smoked while Tess scanned the empty streets.
“Tell me about yourself.” She didn’t look at him directly at him.
Blowing smoke into the night sky, he chuckled. “There’s not much to tell.”
“I don’t believe that for a second.” She did look at him then. “I think there’s a lot going on there. Please, talk to me. I’m sick of being in my own head. I’m tired of all my own drama. I want to listen for a while, not talk and talk and talk.”
Ford should have seen it coming, probably did see it coming, but didn’t want to admit it. It always happened. Whenever someone normal came into his life, whether client or acquaintance, they always seemed to want to know his story. Why he was the black sheep to Hudson’s white knight, upstanding lawyer gig. He never told anyone much. Or if he said anything, it was a pack of lies. His history was his own business and no one else’s.
But Tess was different. She wanted comfort and friendship in a time of need. Her request was out of innocence, not some ulterior motive. She wasn’t trying to worm her way into his heart or life so she could use it later to her own benefit. She just wanted an escape from her problems.
Still, Ford stalled. “I wouldn’t even know where to start.” He puffed furiously on the cigarette, surrounding himself in a cloud of smoke.
Tess rolled her eyes. “Start anywhere. Just talk to me.”
Ford took a last drag and then dropped his cigarette into the long-necked, plastic ashtray Hudson had installed outside the office door. “Hudson wants me to be a lawyer, but it’s not for me.”
“There you go. Why not?”
“That’s Hudson’s thing.”
Talking was tough. Telling the truth was tougher. Ford hadn’t done either in so long, he felt as though he didn’t know how.
“Go on,” Tess urged.
Sighing, Ford lit another cigarette. He didn’t usually chain smoke unless he was nervous or tense, and he found himself feeling both. “Hudson and I come from a pretty screwed-up family. Our dad left when I was five and Hudson was just about a year old. Our mom tried hard enough at first, but she wasn’t really cut out for parenthood. When we were young, I was always the good one, taking care of little brother, doing well in school in spite of all the hardship. Real Lifetime movie type of stuff.”
“Lifetime movies are stupid.” Tess rolled her eyes. “Your upbringing wasn’t. How bad was it?”
“Bad,” Ford admitted. Really bad. So bad, I don’t know if I can even say it out loud.
Tess shook her head and her bottom lip came out in a pout. He couldn’t explain it, but that simple show of sympathy let the words come tumbling out of his mouth.
“Mom was only fifteen when she had me. Then nineteen when Hudson came along. She was your textbook resentful teen mom who wanted to party and have fun, not be a parent. I barely remember my dad and, obviously, my brother doesn’t at all.”
“Have you ever tried to find him?”
“Nope. Not interested.” Tess said nothing, and Ford pulled another long drag from his smoke. “Frankly, if I saw the guy, I’d probably beat the shit out of him. I don’t know if our lives would have been any better or different if he’d stuck around, but just abandoning us earns him an ass-kicking in my book.”
“Deservedly so,” Tess agreed softly, her voice floating up to him on the late night breeze.
“I gotta tell ya, the time up until kindergarten is pretty much a blur for me. I don’t know where Dad was. Working, maybe. Then partying with Mom, I guess. There were always a lot of people hanging around wherever we were living, but I don’t remember it being all that bad. Wasn’t until I got to go to school that I began to realize our home life wasn’t the way things were supposed to be. Other kids had lunch boxes or bags with food in them. I didn’t. The adults took over and made sure I had lunch every day and eventually breakfast too. It still amazes me Hudson even lived long enough to go to school. God only knows what was going on at home while I was gone.”
Tess was now watching him with compassionate fascination that gave Ford the confidence to keep going.
“It was a good thing my little brother was smart. He was reading by the time he was three and it made it a lot easier to protect him and take care of him when I was around and when I wasn’t. He listened to me when I told him what to do. I couldn’t give you specific details, but Mom was seriously a
ddicted to drugs and alcohol by the time we were both in school all day. The usual story, we’d get home and she’d be passed out on the couch or in bed.”
Tess shook her head ever so slightly and he caught the movement from the corner of his eye as he ditched another smoke.
“I guess all that isn’t so bad. But it got a lot worse as I got into high school.”
“Did you ever try to get help?” Tess kept her eyes focused on her black and white Chuck Taylors. “Did you have any other family?”
“Nah. What would have been the point? Foster care would have taken over, probably separated us, and I didn’t want that happen. Hud was the only good thing in my life. I didn’t want to lose him. I knew if I could keep shit together till I turned eighteen, then everything would be okay.” The sound of his Zippo smacking closed was like a firecracker to his ears.
Tess sighed. “Was it okay?”
Ford shook his head sadly. “Not for another four years. We lived in section eight housing, so we never had to worry about losing our home. The government sent the check to the landlord so Mom couldn’t blow that money on drugs. I got part-time jobs after school, Hud got a paper route, and we managed to keep eating. I thought if we could just keep our heads down and out of her way, then as soon as I got out of high school I’d get a job and we could leave.”
How naïve was I? “I didn’t have any clue how much worse things would get.” Ford stopped then, concentrating on his smoking. He hadn’t revealed this much about his past to anyone, ever. The ever-present defense mechanism in his brain was screaming for him to shut the hell up, he was going to scare her away. Away from what?
“Go on.”
Her voice brought him out of his own head. “She was prostituting for drugs. She brought guys home usually while we were in school, but then it started happening at all hours of the day and night. I did my best to hide it from Hudson, but I don’t really know how successful I was. We never talked about it and still don’t. One time, Hudson wasn’t home and some guy comes busting through the door looking for our mother. He was pretty jacked up, on meth, I think, and he came after me with a baseball bat.”
Tess gasped, but said nothing more, as her hand shot out to touch his arm.
“I managed to get the bat away from him and gave him a couple of good whacks before my mom showed up and broke it up. She convinced the guy to go, then turned around and blamed me for chasing away her ‘john.’” Ford was filled with ancient rage, remembering the look on the guy’s face as he came through the door. His skin was pock-marked and he had only a few teeth left. Stringy, greasy hair and nasty clothes that stunk of vomit and urine. He shuddered with the vision. “At least I knew I could handle myself. If Hudson had been there, I don’t know what would have happened.”
“It’s almost like you’re more of a dad to him than a brother.”
“Yep.” Ford tilted his head back and blew a plume of smoke into the air. “I tried to be an example for him. I worked hard in school, got good at sports, tried to show him what to do instead of getting into trouble. I wasn’t stupid. I watched enough television to learn right from wrong. Mom sure as hell never taught us that.”
Tess snuck a peek up at him. “You definitely are not stupid.”
Ford snorted. “Yeah, well, I’ve made my share of stupid mistakes.” Like these, he thought as he dumped another butt into the ashtray.
The look on her face was one of interest and empathy. Not like most other women, who stared at him like they wanted him to fast forward to the “good parts.” The parts that made him sexy and dangerous, waiting for the moment they would find the nugget that made him a conquest. Tess made him want to tell it all, so he could finally get rid of the baggage he carried around every single second of his existence. Well, everything except his time in prison. That was something he hoped never to reveal to anyone. He’d done his time and soon he’d be off parole as well. There was no need to rehash it or hurt people for no reason.
“I’m sorry you went through that. I can’t even relate, so I won’t try,” Tess said, her tone kind and tender without being condescending. “I’m in the minority these days. Most of my friends’ parents are divorced and had shitty childhoods. I was pretty lucky.”
“At least you recognize it,” Ford mumbled. “You don’t seem to be suffering from Sense of Entitlement Disorder like most people these days.”
“Thanks.”
Another cigarette later, Ford could feel the tightness in his chest from the excess nicotine and smoke, and he motioned for her to follow him back inside. Sick and tired of the hard-backed chairs, he settled on the couch instead and wasn’t too happy when Tess sat right next to him. He could smell the scent of cherries from what he figured was her shampoo and a slight hint of fabric softener from her clothes, she was that close. Up to this point, the feelings she inspired in him had all been emotional. Her physical nearness now was waking up a whole different side of him. This is not good.
Putting his arms behind his head for support, Ford leaned back. “I think that’s enough of the Ford story for now.”
“How much do you think Hudson remembers? Or knows?” Tess asked softly.
Ford shook his head. “Can’t say for sure. I kept as much as I could from him.” Especially my prison time. He knew it was all a part of the public record and if Hudson ever got a mind to, he could search through the databases and discover Ford’s secret. But he would just have to cross that bridge if and when he ever came to it.
In the meantime, here he was, in the middle of the night, spilling his guts to a client who made him feel all kinds of things he wasn’t prepared for. The decent, caring person that was still deep inside him somewhere wanted to be kind to her and offer up the sort of support she needed. The ex-con, criminal hard-ass on the outside couldn’t stop thinking about what she wore beneath the hoodie or what her lips would feel like if he kissed her.
There wasn’t much more to talk about, unless he started to spout facts or theories about her case. Ford didn’t think that was what she wanted to hear, and he wasn’t about give up any more nuggets about his past. He’d gone as far as he could with that.
With the hum of the fluorescent lighting the only background noise, Ford closed his eyes and hoped that Tess would leave soon so he could get back to his own little world inside his head.
Instead, she kept staring at him. Just as he was about to suggest it was time to leave, she placed a hand on his arm. Her fingers were cool on his skin, but not cold, and a kind smile played at the corner of her lips. Ford’s spidey sense kicked in, but it was too late to prevent what happened next.
Chapter 34
Tess left her hand on Ford’s arm and leaned close to press her lips against his. She could never have explained in a million years why she let herself do it, but it felt right in the moment. She fully expected him to accept the kiss and return it, but that didn’t happen. Ford pulled back and she almost fell off the couch. She would have, if he hadn’t grabbed her shoulders to hold her steady.
“Tess, don’t.”
Tilting her head to the side, she looked at him with confusion and hurt. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.”
“You didn’t offend me. I just don’t think–”
Tess’s heart beat faster with shame and embarrassment. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” She popped off the couch and almost gave in to the urge to run like hell, but then she twirled around. “Wait a minute. I’m not sorry and you aren’t right.” Moving back in front of him, she grasped his face between both hands and kissed him again, this time with more force and passion. He still didn’t respond, but she could tell he wanted to because his hands came up to the sides of her face as well. At first she thought he would pull her head away, but he didn’t. He did kiss back for just a few seconds.
When he broke the contact, he tried to speak. “Tess–”
“Please,” she said breathlessly, grabbing a fistful of his t-shirt. She tugged until he stood up. “Don’t say anything.
I know what I’m doing and I know what I want. Just be with me.”
Tess wasn’t prepared for what happened next. Jack had been so tender and gentle, almost nervous in spite of their having been together for years. Ford was aggressive, though he didn’t hurt her. His hands weren’t hesitant; they sought and searched for what they wanted. His mouth was hot against hers, pressing harder, and the blood in her veins boiled over with the trapped moans in her throat; unable to escape with his lips seared against hers.
He pushed her back until she was pinned against the closed door of Hudson’s office. His fingers found the zipper of her hoodie and yanked it down roughly, exposing her plain, white cotton bra. He shoved the jacket off her shoulders and Tess shivered with both the unexpected aggression and the coolness of the air against her skin. She wrapped her arms around his neck, encouraging him to go on.
Ford took his right hand off of her long enough to find the doorknob and twist it. They stumbled backwards into the office, but Ford’s strong arms kept them upright. He kicked the door closed behind him and then walked her backwards toward the couch Hudson sometimes used for taking naps, their lips never coming apart. Tess felt herself being pushed down onto the soft cushions and then Ford’s body was pressed against hers. She ran her hands along his arms excited to feel the muscles there and then let her fingers find their way to the sides of his head and into his hair. She couldn’t touch enough, taste enough. There was so much to feel.
Tess opened her mouth and body to him with a level of abandon she’d never felt with Jack. His urgency blotted out all thoughts of Jack. The smell of cigarettes, coffee and leather filled her nose. The weight of his body ignited her passion and the feel of his hands against her breasts fanned the flames.
This is what she wanted, what she needed. A release of all the pent up tension and anxiety. The experience of someone who was not Jack. Something to erase the nightmare that was her life; if only for a moment.
The Widow and the Will Page 19