by Sky Corgan
As long as he doesn't say it again or ask you, you'll be fine. And if he does ask you, just be honest. Tell him you don't know. It will hurt, but it's better to be honest than lie.
I finished up my halfhearted shower and quickly got dressed, towel drying my hair as I exited the bathroom and trying to act normal. Chase was sitting on my bed, looking a bit annoyed at me for taking so long.
“We need to get going,” he said.
I tossed the towel across my computer chair and followed him out the door. As soon as we got into his car, I turned on the radio, wanting to avoid conversation at all costs. It worked pretty well, keeping him silent until we got there, though I figured his silence was more because he was thinking or upset than because of the music. I was too scared to ask which one it was.
When we got to his parents' house, they greeted me with more fervor than I had saved up for them. To be honest, I felt completely awkward, my mind still stuck on the possibility of that uncomfortable sentence coming up again. Thankfully, both of his sisters were home, and they were able to drag my mind away from it, reminiscing about high school and getting me caught up on what was going on in their lives. I had never been particularly close to either one of them, but they had hung out with us from time to time, so it was good to see them again.
Things were going pretty smoothly until we sat down to eat. That's when the big bomb went off.
Chase's mother was asking me about my studies when his father broke in to ask how long we had been dating. I felt my cheeks go warm, though I didn't know why. Technically, we had been dating. Isn't that what it's called when two people get together to regularly have sex these days?
“I'm glad you two are finally a couple,” Mrs. Vogel said. “I didn't think it would ever happen.”
“Me neither,” I laughed uncomfortably.
“So, how are you enjoying being Butthead's girlfriend?” Mary, one of Chase's sisters, asked.
The word girlfriend set off alarms in my head, swirling around with their red lights, making me dizzy. Is that what he had told them, that we were boyfriend and girlfriend now? I had never consented to that title.
My mouth felt suddenly dry, and I didn't know how to respond. Chase reached a hand over to grab mine and give it a gentle squeeze. He smiled at me, but the returned gesture was completely forced.
“It's okay,” was all I could come up with, and it sounded about as enthusiastic as I meant it.
His father coughed, seeming to catch on to my discontent, but the rest of the table remained oblivious, which was exactly how I preferred it.
For the rest of the meal, I stayed silent, staring at my plate of barbeque and barely touching a morsel. I felt absolutely sick to my stomach. Was I in a relationship now? Had I somehow managed to fall in this trap without even seeing it?
It's not a trap, Chey. This is what you wanted, remember—is what you want. If it's what I want though, then why does it feel so odd.
Chase was a good guy. I should be happy things had progressed to this level. It was the normal way the relationship should have progressed. And maybe I would have been fine with it . . . if not for Damien Reed. I knew good and well that I could never have him, that chasing him was a waste of time, but I felt like I couldn't live without him. He was my perfect drug, and I was always waiting for my next fix—would continue to wait for it until my supply ran out. There was no way I would ever be able to commit to Chase until I got him out of my system.
As soon as we said our goodbyes to his family and crawled into the car, I turned on the radio again, trying to avoid conversation. Chase almost immediately turned it back off though.
“So, did you have a good time?” he asked, sounding so cheerful that it made my heart hurt.
“Yes. It was nice to see your family again. I haven't seen your sisters in so long,” I replied.
“What's wrong? You sound upset.” He gave me a look of concern.
A hard ball of nerves formed in my throat, threatening to choke me. I didn't want to talk about it, but I knew it was unavoidable. If I said I was okay, it would be a lie. Besides, Chase knew me too well to believe it.
I hesitated, unsure of how to word what I wanted to say. “Your sister thinks I'm your girlfriend.”
“You are my girlfriend.”
“When did we come to this decision?”
Chase sighed, his happiness quickly draining away. “I figured you understood what that text message meant. I wanted to bring you to the barbeque as acknowledgment that we were a couple.”
“Oh, I didn't know that.” My voice sounded incredibly small and filled with remorse. “I thought you were just inviting me over to be nice.”
“No. That wasn't the case.”
We drove in silence all the way back to my father's house. I wanted to turn on the radio again, but I was too scared to move—too afraid to make Chase angry. He was already upset, there was no question about that. It felt like any wrong move could springboard an argument that I didn't want to get into.
He pulled up into the driveway and killed the engine, staring forward as if he couldn't stand to look at me. The expression on his face made my heart ache. I didn't know what to say or do to make it better. There was nothing I could say or do to make it better.
“Are you okay to drive home?” I asked.
“I'm upset, Chey, not drunk.” He rolled his eyes.
“Okay. I just wanted to make sure.” I grabbed the door handle to get out of the car, but Chase wrapped his hand around my wrist, pulling me back.
“Listen, I'm sorry. We really need to talk about this though. I can't just keep . . . doing this, whatever it is you think we're doing. I need to know, and I need to know right now. Do you love me?”
Everything in me wanted to pull out of his grasp and run inside, to hide away from him and the world and this horrible situation. I didn't want to tell him the truth because I knew what it meant. He had had enough. If I told him no, then it was as good as telling him goodbye . . . forever.
“I need time to think,” I said finally.
“That's not what I asked. There's no more thinking. No more waiting. Do you love me or do you not?”
As I said the words, the first hot tear streamed down my face. “I don't love you.”
TONGUE TIED
The world was a mess of emotion and misery and blurry vision as Chase pealed out of my driveway. Before I even made it to the front door, I was sobbing so heavily I could barely breathe. Once I was inside, I pressed my back against the door and slid down it to hold my knees and cry some more.
What had I just done? I allowed the most amazing guy in the world to drive away. And for what? For some desirable older man who I could never have. No, that wasn't the real reason. Maybe it partially was, but the truth of the matter was that it didn't matter how much time I spent with Chase or how much hot sex we had, I still couldn't force feelings for him much stronger than friendship. Yes, we had gotten closer, and I appreciated him on a deeper level, but it just wasn't love.
With a heavy heart, I sobbed over a pint of ice cream and then went to bed in my clothes. When I woke up the next morning, my eyes were puffy, and I didn't feel much better. Sulking about it wouldn't help though, so I pulled myself somewhat together and went to school as normal, hoping that lectures would keep my mind off of my aching heart.
Now that Chase was out of the picture, I turned my mind toward Damien. It was hurting me so much to lose Chase, and Damien and I weren't even that close. Was it worth allowing myself to get closer only to lose him too? I didn't think so. The pain I was feeling inside was absolutely excruciating, and I couldn't bear to go through it again, but that was a bridge I would have to cross whenever Damien decided our lessons were over. Perhaps it would be better to take two blows to my heart at once, to end it with him as well and set myself free. After what I had done to Chase, I didn't feel like I deserved pleasure anyway. And that's all it was between Damien and I, bodily pleasure.
By the end of the day, I decide
d it was best to stop seeing Damien. I preferred my pain in one big dose, not bit by bit like a band-aid being slowly torn off a wound. On my way home, I cried for both of them, and then felt like a complete bitch for feeling sorry for myself, which only made me cry more.
My phone rang, and I grasped at it with a twinge of hope. Maybe it's Chase saying he'll give me more time. Or even better, perhaps he's calling to tell me he still wants to be friends.
It wasn't Chase though; it was Tanya, and for a few brief seconds, I thought about not answering. I didn't much feel like talking, yet I knew I would feel better if I did. Besides, she was the only one who knew the entire story about Damien and Chase. If I updated her on everything, she might give me the unwarranted sympathy that I was secretly craving.
When I answered the phone, she sounded sickeningly chipper, giggling and talking to someone in the background. It was a boy. I could hear his deep voice. And, eventually, she confessed that it was Vinny, her new boyfriend.
“You should come watch movies with us,” she said enthusiastically. “You can bring Chase, or Damien, or whoever you want.”
“Yeah, about that,” I hesitated. “Chase and I are no more . . . and Damien and I are no more, as well.”
“That's too bad,” she replied, too distracted to be sincere. “You should come over anyway. It will be fun. We rented a bunch of horror movies.”
“You know I don't really like horror movies.”
“Oh, come on, Chey. What else are you going to do on a Friday night? Besides, I really want you to meet Vinny. He needs the Chey seal of approval.”
I smirked. It sounded like he didn't need it that damn badly if she had already gotten serious with him.
“Alright. Fine. I'll be over in a little while.”
I hung up the phone and changed course, heading towards Tanya's house. She must have been busy doing something naughty, because she didn't even come to greet me at the front door. Instead, her mother let me in, speaking broken English in her heavy asian accent.
I passed by her father watching sports on the couch in the living room and made my way to her bedroom. Not surprisingly, the door was closed. The brat in me thought about barging in and trying to scare them, but then I realized the door was most likely locked, so it was probably pointless. Instead, I politely knocked, waiting until Tanya came to let me in.
She squealed when she saw me, wrapping her arms around my shoulder to usher me inside and introduce me to her boyfriend, who looked every bit as Italian as his name sounded. He was tall and lanky, with tanned skin, dark eyes, and a blowout. Not my type, but at least he was around her age. It was rare she got along with guys our age.
As soon as the greetings were over, I was all but forgotten. They snuggled together on the bed while I was forced to sit on the floor, feeling alienated and alone. It wasn't long before I became frustrated by the lack of attention being paid to me, but I felt like it would be rude to leave, so I just suffered through it, trying to focus on the movie while they whispered sweet nothings to each other.
Things eventually quietened down, but it wasn't because they were watching the movie. The bed shook lightly, and it only took a glance in their general direction to know what was going on. My pussy throbbed at the very sight of him laying between her legs under the covers. I knew her skirt was hiked up, that he was fingering her or fucking her or something to cause the expression of pleasure on her face. Lucky bitch. That's what I'd rather be doing right now too, getting fucked. But by who?
Tanya's breath hitched, and I knew he had stuck it in. Those weren't just pleasure sounds anymore. They were fucking sounds. He was fucking her, right in front of me.
It took everything in me to keep my eyes focused on the screen, though my brain was going in all different directions. Since losing my virginity, sex had become such a regular part of my life. I wasn't sure how I was going to live without it. Did that make me a bad person . . . or a slut? Having sex at my age was natural. I shouldn't feel bad for wanting it. At least, that's what I was trying to convince myself.
Chase wasn't an option anymore, but there was still Damien. Crap. I had just decided to drop him. Was I already going to run back so quickly? Hell, he didn't even know I wasn't planning to see him anymore. It's not like any harm would be done if I continued on with my lessons.
That was just me being wanton though, thinking with my body instead of my mind . . . or my heart. There was plenty of hurt to be had in Damien Reed's bed, and not just the bodily kind. When I was around him, my emotions were a whirlwind of confusion. Besides, things had been getting really intense with us lately. I wasn't sure if I could handle my feelings for him becoming any deeper.
My heart knew what I was supposed to do, but my body was in complete conflict, and as I listened to Tanya moan from Vinny rocking between her legs, my body began to win. Her pleasure sounds transported me back to Damien Reed's bed, to the noises that erupted from my own throat when he fucked me. I imagined him between my legs, bucking away, filling me so incredibly full, and my pussy began to moisten at the memory.
Oh, screw it. They're not paying attention anyway.
As quietly as I could manage, I slipped a hand into the waistband of my skirt, sliding it between my legs. The heat from my sex greeted my finger, and as it passed teasingly over my pleasure button, I could feel my wetness leaking through my panties. I closed my eyes, forgetting about the mass murderer on the television, forgetting about Vinny and Tanya and their careful quiet fucking. In my mind's eye, my finger was thicker, not my finger at all. The hand it was attached to belonged to Damien Reed, and he was teasing me ever so wickedly, rubbing my engorged labia and barely pressing his finger between them to touch my nub.
Oh yes, I thought, but dare not say a word. Please, Damien. Stick it inside. No. Stick your cock inside. I want your cock. I want to feel it spreading me so wide, to ravage my cunt and take ownership of it.
The finger wasn't bold enough to enter my underwear though. For as good as my imagination was, I couldn't forget that I wasn't alone. All it would take was for either Tanya or Vinny to look over the bed to see what I was doing. The thought brought a blush to my cheeks, but it also somewhat excited me.
So what if they see me? They'll probably think it's hot. Maybe they'd even ask me to join them. For a split second, it sounded appealing. But then I remembered that I wasn't attracted to Vinny at all. And Tanya was my best friend, which would just make things weird. No. It's Damien Reed that I want.
I pressed hard against my clit, rubbing and massaging, imagining Damien's tongue and thick fingers and magnificent cock, all of which felt amazing against my body. It took everything in me not to moan. My pleasure button was so hot beneath my finger, almost burning. I worked it relentlessly, holding my breath, so I wouldn't pant too loudly. Tanya was doing enough of that for both of us. The bed was shaking so much that it was rocking me with it as I leaned against the frame. It was as if I was a part of their fucking, and I somehow liked the idea.
Just a bit longer, I told myself, feeling my hand beginning to cramp. I wasn't about to give up though. The waves of my orgasm were coming from somewhere deep. There was no way I would allow them to recede before they washed over me with pleasure. Vinny grunted, and I pictured Damien's magnificent cock spilling its juices inside of my wanton cunt, sending me over the edge of ecstasy. I knew we were all coming together, and it only heightened my pleasure.
Of course, by the time they started paying attention to the movie again, my hands were out of my skirt, my wet underwear and the smell of pussy the only real signs that mischief had gone on. I inhaled the scent of sex that overwhelmed the room, feeling horribly naughty for what I had done.
Then Tanya ruined the mood by asking me what had gone on with Chase and Damien. Talking about Damien in front of Vinny made me uncomfortable, especially the excitement in his eyes when Tanya disclosed to him who Damien was.
“Fucking a teacher. That's crazy, man,” he said, shaking his head.
“H
e's not my teacher anymore,” I told him.
“Well, he kind of is since what you guys are doing is technically lessons,” Tanya commented.
“Lessons?” Vinny looked incredulous. “That's probably just what he tells girls to get in their pants.”
“It's not,” I insisted, though I was becoming more unsure by the second.
“I mean, seriously? Who needs lessons in sex? It doesn't take much to figure out how to suck a cock or have your pussy pounded.”
These lessons are different though. It's not just about that. It's about something more. Erotic sensations and pure enjoyment of the physical pleasures of the body. I wanted to say it, but I doubted he would understand. So far, Vinny was not getting the Chey seal of approval, though I doubted Tanya would care.
“Well, it doesn't matter now. It's over,” I said with a sigh.
“You shouldn't stop seeing Damien just because things didn't work out with Chase,” Tanya told me.
“I just . . . don't want to fall in love with him.”
“Yeah. That would be a mistake,” Vinny agreed. “The guy has probably banged half the school. I used to know this other girl who said she slept with him too.”
Jealousy shot through me with fiery green rage.
“How long ago was that?” I asked.
“Last year sometime. She didn't say anything about lessons, just that she was sleeping with him. She graduated already.”
Was she blonde? I wondered. That girl in the sex video with him perhaps? What did it matter? He wasn't mine anyway.
“I need to go,” I grumbled, standing up, my mood completely soured.
“Awww, so early?” Tanya whined. “It's the weekend, Chey Chey. Not like you have anything to do tomorrow, especially if you don't have any lessons to attend.”
“I've got a lot of homework,” I lied, just wanting to get away from them. Coming had been a mistake, I could see that now. Maybe if it had just been Tanya and I, things would be fine, but having Vinny tell me that Damien had fucked some other chick . . . It just wasn't what I needed to hear.