Holding his gaze, I took a deep breath. “I’m willing to take that risk.”
“No.” It was sharp, hoarse.
“I get it, Erik. You don’t want to hurt me.” My fingers tightened on the book clutched to my chest. “But I don’t want to hurt you, either. So why is it better for me to shoot you?”
Another growl tore from him. “Because I’ll be attacking you. You’ll be defending yourself. It’s not equal.”
“It’s equal if neither of us is hurt and we both make it through the solstice okay. Your grandmother was fine. What if it’s not as bad as you think?”
“Not every woman that my ancestors have taken was fine. And you see me like this, Olivia. As a man. But I’ll be different.” Harsh desolation lined his face. “You haven’t seen me…and what I can do.”
Such as ripping a Hound apart. Maybe he was right. Maybe I was just fooling myself, believing that we’d be all right.
Throat thick, I nodded. My eyes burned as I turned to put the book away.
The ice around his arms shattered. All at once Erik dragged me back against his chest, his left forearm locked around my waist. The book tumbled from my fingers. Gasping, I struggled for balance, gripping the edge of a shelf for support, trying not to feel the hardness of his cock wedged against my ass.
“Erik?”
His body shuddered. He was fighting for control, I realized.
And losing.
His fevered skin burned the length of my bare thigh as his right hand slid beneath the hem of the sweater. My heart stopped. Frozen by shock and anticipation, I shook as his hand traveled higher, and suddenly there was nothing in the world but his touch, his palm curving around my hip, his fingers diving between my thighs, where my flesh was wet and swollen with need.
He abruptly stilled. I squeezed my eyes shut, my face heating. He couldn’t possibly mistake my arousal.
His tortured groan broke the silence. “I did this to you?”
He’d always been able to do this to me. “Just ignore it,” I said desperately. “And I will, too.”
“Ignore it? You might as well ask me to move the moon. You’re in need, Olivia.” Gently, he slicked his fingers over my clitoris. My hips jerked involuntarily and I bent my head, clenching my teeth to stop my moan. “And I need to ease it for you.”
Oh, God. I wanted him to. But his control was already slipping. “How, Erik? With a little rub and a tickle?” Each word was sharp. “Because it won’t be enough for me. And you already said that fucking is off the table. Will it be enough for you? Enough for the curse?”
Erik stiffened behind me. A harsh, cold breath against my ear was his only response. Maybe he couldn’t manage any more.
But his fingers were still rubbing, gliding over my clit before pushing deeper to tease at my entrance—then sliding back up to do it all over again.
Though I wanted to cry from the pleasure of it, I forced myself to continue as evenly as I could. “Because that’s one option we have—one of the few we have. We hit the bed, and by the time you completely lose control, I’m ready for you.”
That was the option I hoped he chose. Whether hormones or instincts, I didn’t know—but everything inside me was screaming for Erik to carry me over to his giant bed so that we could burn through the curse on his sheets.
Erik groaned again, as if the same thought was crossing his mind—or maybe he imagined just taking me here, with my hands braced against the shelves and his cock thrusting deep into the wetness surrounding his fingers. But even before his rough “No” tore from him, I knew what his answer would be.
Despite my raging need, if that was his answer, then I didn’t want it this way, either. Not when he couldn’t control it. Not when he was forced by the curse. I wanted it to be his choice.
Slowly, his grip eased. His hand slid from between my thighs, the movement dragging the length of his fingers over my throbbing clit. A whimper escaped me.
Erik froze. “Olivia?”
“I’m okay.” Dying to feel him inside me, but okay. And as soon as I was out of his arms, the arousal would fade.
But he didn’t let me go yet. He set me on my feet, his arm still wrapped around my waist from behind.
I turned my head to look up at him and felt his warm lips brush my temple, a whisper of frigid breath stirring my hair. Just an accidental caress. He’d lowered his head when I’d turned mine. But my heart still drew up tight, because Erik was holding me like a man would hold a woman he cherished.
And I didn’t know if he ever would again.
My heart aching, I closed my eyes. “You really think the chimneys are safe?”
A short laugh broke from him. “The Hounds can’t fit through them. So, yes, little pig—I think they’re safe.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “Are you hungry? You didn’t eat anything out there. And I haven’t had lunch yet.”
“Then I’ll feed you.” His arm tightened around me. “And we need to talk about…what happens next.”
Because he expected me to shoot him. Tears pricking my eyes, I nodded—and finally, he let me go.
It took everything I had not to start crying then.
Chapter Eight
By the time we finished a simple lunch of sandwiches and soup, the snow still hadn’t let up. The Hounds were still out there. So driving away—our one real plan for making it through this—wasn’t looking so good.
Erik wasn’t either. Feeding me—taking care of me—had seemed to help for a while. But the strain of maintaining control had returned to his expression. His tortured gaze kept settling on my mouth. I knew it wouldn’t be long before he started talking about me shooting him again.
This time, I beat him to it.
“I have a new plan,” I said.
Seated at the corner of the kitchen island—as far away from me as he could get and still eat with me—Erik glanced up. His gaze narrowed. “What plan?”
“To get through tonight. I’ll go to the room with the strongest door and a lock.”
He closed his eyes. “That won’t keep me out.”
“Just listen, okay?” I waited until he met my gaze before asking again, “Where’s the strongest door?”
“Goddammit, Olivia.” He raked icy claws through his hair. “My room. The south tower room.”
“All right. First I’ll lock you outside—in the gatehouse, so even if you get through the front door, the portcullis will keep out the Hounds. While you’re out there, you cover yourself in ice to help you keep control. I’m assuming you won’t freeze. Will you?”
A reluctant smile tugged at his mouth. “No.”
“Good. Then I’ll lock myself in your bedroom and wait. So that’s two strong doors you’ll have to break through to get to me.”
“And I will.”
“I know, but hear me out. You want me to kill you. I can’t do it like this. But if you’re busting apart a thick oak door to come get me, if you rip through something that solid, I’m going to be pretty afraid of you. Terrified, actually.” I had Erik’s attention now. On a deep breath, I said, “If I’m that scared, I’ll be able to shoot you.”
“In the head. Anywhere else won’t stop me.”
I nodded. “Right between the eyes.”
He held himself rigid, his gaze burning. “Will you truly do it?”
“If you knew how many times I’d seen The Shining and the scene with Jack Nicholson and the axe, you wouldn’t ask that. That scares the crap out of me every time. But if it helps…” I raised my right hand. “I swear that if you bust through that bedroom door, I’ll pull the trigger.”
Erik didn’t appear convinced. I couldn’t blame him; it wasn’t much of a plan.
With a sigh, I dropped my hand to my side. “Do you have any better ideas?”
“Aside from you shooting me now?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t. God, Olivia. I don’t want to risk you like this.”
His hoarse admission scraped painfully over my hea
rt. “Maybe we’ll get lucky,” I said softly. “Maybe the curse won’t overwhelm your control. Maybe the doors will stop you.”
Maybe we’d think of something else.
“Maybe,” he agreed, though the hollow sound of it told me that he held little hope.
I tried to hold on to my own hope and to stop my worry and fear from squirming through. Another distraction would help. We had a plan. If we sat here obsessing over every detail until we put it into motion, that fear would bore giant holes through my confidence.
With a wry smile, he glanced down at his plate. “I should have made something better than sandwiches, since it will be my last meal.”
“No.” Vehemently, I shook my head. He might have been shooting for humor but there was nothing funny about it. “We’ll get through this. Tomorrow morning you’ll be making me breakfast.”
His eyes narrowed. “I’ll make dinner for you.”
This wasn’t a negotiation, damn it. “Breakfast.”
“You know that’s not likely.”
“I don’t know that. I’ll lock you in the gatehouse. You’ll stay in control. And tomorrow morning, I want eggs and bacon. And biscuits. Fluffy ones.”
“God damn it, Olivia. You are the most—” With a clench of his jaw, Erik cut himself off and stared at me. I stared back, daring him to finish what he’d been about to say. Daring him to tell me that we wouldn’t get through this. Finally, he said, “I’ll make dinner.”
Which was telling me that we wouldn’t get through this. But I couldn’t accept that. My voice was thick as I whispered, “You’ll make both.”
His expression softened. “I’ll fight it as hard as I can.”
Eyes stinging, I nodded.
“But I need to prepare you for disappointment,” he said gently. “Because I don’t have any bacon.”
That surprised a laugh from me. I squeezed the bridge of my nose, pushing back the tears. So, okay. We had a plan.
One I had no intention of following through.
Chest aching, I glanced at Erik and found him watching me. Irises like diamonds. Sharp teeth. Blue skin and icy claws.
Was that all? “What happens when you let the frost giant out? What can I expect?”
“I’ll be stronger,” he said roughly. “Taller. Bigger.”
More like a giant. Jesus. Despite my determination to see us through this, needles of fear and uncertainty began to prick at my confidence. “And you’ll be like that when you come for me.”
“When I’m inside you.” His response was a thick, hungry rasp. “When you come for me.”
My shocked gaze flew to his. I couldn’t speak, but my body answered with a deep pulse of need. My thighs squeezed together against the sudden, hollow ache.
His jaw clenched. The muscles in his arms bulged as his shoulders hunched and his fists tightened. Losing control. But still trying to hold on.
“I’ll be like that when you shoot me,” he finally gritted out. “And you will.”
“I swore. You break down the door. I’ll shoot you.”
“Good.” His throat worked. “God, Olivia. There has to be another way. But I can’t think of anything but having you.”
“It’s okay.”
“God damn it, it’s not! I should be thinking of how to protect you. Instead I’m ready to spread your legs and—” His teeth clamped together and bit off the rest. A tense moment passed before he continued, “It’s not just the physical change that I’m holding back. I’ll say…more. Everything I want. Everything I’ve been imagining since you showed up at my door. So if I’m going to lock myself in the gatehouse, we need to do this soon. Now. I don’t think I’ll be making dinner.”
Already? Panic gripped my chest. I didn’t want to let him go out there yet. Anything he wanted to do to me, he could say it. I didn’t care what slipped out. We hadn’t even had an hour since he’d returned. I’d hoped for at least a little more time with him.
I wasn’t going to get it. He was close to the edge. So he was going to the gatehouse, and I was going upstairs to wait…and pray that my instincts were right and he wouldn’t hurt me.
But it was more than instinct. I’d seen what lay beneath his control and the need raging inside him. His words exposed what he’d wanted—to be inside me. That wasn’t all he’d said, though.
He wanted to make me come. To please me. Not hurt me. But his strength would be so great and his control so thin, he didn’t trust himself not to do it.
So I had to trust that he wouldn’t.
“All right.” I rose from the barstool, but the predatory narrowing of his diamond eyes stopped me. Heart racing, I said, “Maybe you should go out ahead of me.”
“Yes.”
But Erik didn’t move toward the hall. My throat constricted when his gaze touched mine. Despair made an emotional wasteland of his features. God. I could hardly bear the pain there, and the stark desperation in his eyes as he seemed to drink me in. What must be racing through his mind? Believing that he’d die soon…and I’d be the last person he would ever see. But I couldn’t read more beneath his desolate expression. Was he regretting that he’d ever laid eyes on me? Wondering how the hell someone like me had been the source of his destruction?
I wouldn’t be. I yearned to tell him that we’d be fine, that we’d get through this night.
But I couldn’t. It might all go horribly wrong, and this might be the last time I saw him without being terrified or forced into an action that I desperately wanted to avoid. So instead of reassuring him that we’d be okay, I only returned his gaze while fighting back tears.
“Erik.” I could barely speak. “Is there anything you want me to tell anyone?”
“No. Everyone else who matters knows how I feel. And you should know how much I…that I—” His eyes closed for a long second. When he opened them, determination had replaced the desolation, but it still lingered in the rasp of his voice. “You should know that I wouldn’t burden you with this. If I could help it. If my father hadn’t fucked everything up.”
“I know,” I whispered.
“But I swear to you, Olivia. I swear that if you miss the shot, or if you can’t pull the trigger…if I have any control at all, I’ll do everything in my power not to hurt you.”
“I believe it.” My plan rode on that belief.
“But don’t miss,” he warned harshly.
“I won’t.”
As if searching for the truth, his tormented gaze held mine for another long moment. He abruptly pivoted and strode to the hall. My heart dropped at the sudden movement, then I was on my feet, following him—marveling at his strength. Erik believed that he walked to his death, yet his shoulders were set in an unyielding line that seemed broad enough to support the world. No hesitation slowed his long strides. He’d made his choice; now he was determined to follow it through.
He’d made his choice…and he didn’t know that I’d already made another for him.
Doubts crowded my mind again. Was I doing the right thing? What if his decision hadn’t stemmed just from a desire to protect me, but because he’d rather die than be with someone the curse had forced on him?
In the gatehouse, Erik faced me again, his eyes a sharp diamond. Immediately, a thick pillar of ice began climbing his legs, completely encasing their strong lengths. It rose to his stomach. His chest.
With emotion clogging my throat, I halted in the doorway, watching the ice engulf his body. Uncertainty held me in its rough grip. My insides felt as if they’d been worked over by coarse sandpaper, and I had to know— “Erik!”
My panicked cry halted the ice’s advance. Glacial blue surrounded him up to his chest. In that solid block, I’d have felt trapped and cold, and utterly alone. He only watched me, waiting. Frost glittered in his blue-black hair.
I swallowed hard. “When I asked you out to dinner a few months ago…if not for the curse, would you have said yes? Would you have ever wanted to be with me?”
“It doesn’t matter. I can’t
be.”
Maybe he could for one night. I just needed to know if he’d ever wanted to. “It matters to me.”
“All right. I wouldn’t have said yes.”
Pain stabbed through my chest. I shouldn’t have asked. Because if that was his answer, I hadn’t really wanted to know.
“Oh,” I whispered.
“But only because you wouldn’t have needed to ask me,” he added softly. “If not for the curse, I wouldn’t have stopped kissing you the first time.”
My heart jumped. He wouldn’t have stopped? “I thought you only kissed me because of the curse.”
“No.” His gaze burned into mine. “I walked away because of the curse. I kissed you because I wanted to.”
The ice began rising again as he spoke. Up to his shoulders. His neck. Trembling, I wanted to shout at him to stop, not to go any farther. I wanted to close my eyes so I wouldn’t have to watch. I wanted to cry.
I didn’t let myself do any of that. “A kiss wasn’t worth your life, Erik.”
“Yes, it was.” His brief smile appeared before fading into bleak regret. “But it wasn’t worth risking yours. So I wish I never had—and that I’d never met you.”
My throat closed. I knew he meant that I would’ve been safer if we hadn’t met. It didn’t matter. Those words still hurt.
And even knowing the danger, I couldn’t say the same. I would never be sorry that I’d met him. That I’d kissed him.
I was only sorry that I hadn’t realized it before these past few days.
He never looked away as the ice covered him completely, then began filling the gatehouse. And even though I couldn’t see the future, I knew that if it all went wrong tonight, Erik Gulbrandr would haunt me for the rest of my life.
Chapter Nine
For nearly two days, I’d waited and worried myself almost to madness, not knowing where Erik was or how he was doing. Now I knew exactly where he was, but the waiting was so much worse. I couldn’t sit still. Even pretending to read was impossible. At one point, I forced myself into bed, telling myself that I should rest a little. The astronomical solstice would come just after one o‘clock; I’d be exhausted by then and less capable of dealing with whatever happened. If Erik broke through the front door, the noise would surely wake me. But instead of napping, I just lay in his giant bed and stared up at the darkened ceiling, so alert that even the faint creak of the heavy snow settling on the roof sent my heart jolting against my ribs.
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