by GA Hauser
“I’m so fucked.” Keith held back a sob.
“Oh, baby. Do you love him?”
“Yes.” Keith squeezed out before his throat closed.
“I’m so sorry, sweetie. I wish I could pump my fist in the air and say go for it. But if you do decide to have an affair, just be discreet. No one needs to know. It’s not anyone else’s business.”
“Come on, Adam. Us just being a couple on the show kissing is enough to send the tabloids gossiping.”
“I’m sorry, Keith. I think you have found the same dilemma that has cursed all same sex couples since the dawn of religion.”
“You and Jack seem to be okay.”
“Yes. We are. And friends of ours who work at an advertising firm are out as well. But none of us is in the public eye. We don’t count on opinion polls for our paychecks.”
“I know Charlotte is hoping we’ll get together to boost ratings. So? How can that be bad?”
“It will. For her show. But when that show ends, or is cancelled and I try and find you new work, then what?”
“Come on, Adam. Are you telling me no one would hire me if I was an out gay man?” It was breaking Keith in half.
“No one outright states that fact, Keith. They just choose someone else who doesn’t have a gay reputation in the tabloids.”
“Augh!” Keith cried in agony.
“Just be discreet! Is it so difficult to see this man on level that’s not public? No one knows who the hell you even are at the moment, and Carl is just starting to be recognized. Don’t go public. Just meet in your own homes. That’s not that difficult. Is it?”
“And deny it.”
“Yes. Deny it like it’s ludicrous. I’m telling you, you are not the first nor will you be the last, who has hid his true preference from the world. Look at Richard Chamberlain. He didn’t come out until he was in his sixties.”
“Richard Chamberlain is gay?”
Adam laughed, “What planet are you from?”
“Okay, Adam. I suppose I heard what I expected.”
“I’m surprised you’re asking me this for real. I never would have thought you could be gay.”
Keith felt so embarrassed he was ashamed. “I didn’t intend on it, Adam. Believe me.”
“Do you guys do a lot of physical scenes? Love scenes?”
“God yes. Charlotte’s got us all over each other.”
“Carl is really hot. You’d have to be a robot not to want him.”
“And he’s so damn nice. Adam, I’d be lost without him. He’s been my saving grace.”
“That is wonderful to hear. Wait a minute. Don’t you have a girlfriend?”
“Yes. That’s another problem.”
“Baby, life as a gay man is very complicated. Believe me.”
“It seems silly. Why should it be complicated? We just love each other. What’s the big deal?”
Adam laughed sadly. “I wish I knew the answer to that question. If you learn it, please pass it on to me.”
“Thanks for listening, Adam.”
“No problem. I’ll email you the appointment time and place for your interview taping.”
“Great. See ya.” Keith hung up and deflated against the cushions. “I knew it.”
Chapter Ten
The week had gone by quickly with rehearsals keeping him very busy. As Keith was going through his morning routine, the phone rang. Checking the time, knowing Patty was still sleeping, he grabbed it quickly. “Hello?”
“Hey. It’s me.”
Keith shivered at the deep tone of Carl’s voice, but the quality sounded off. “You okay?”
“Yes. Look.” Keith heard Carl take a deep draw of breath before he spoke. “Tonight the show premiers.”
“I know.” Keith walked away from the bedroom Patty was in so he wouldn’t wake her.
“I was going to have a group of my friends over to watch it.”
“Okay.” Keith really thought Carl sounded strange.
“But I don’t want a crowd tonight.”
“So don’t invite anyone over.”
“I thought maybe you’d want to hang out with me. I’d like someone to come over and keep me company. I just don’t feel like having to be the life of the party.”
Upset with the sound of stress in Carl’s voice, Keith agreed, “I’d be glad to hang out with you.”
“I figured it’d be easier if you just followed me home in your car after today’s rehearsals.”
“That’s fine.” Keith checked his watch.
“Am I fucking up your own plans?”
“No. I don’t have any. My parents wanted me to come over and watch it with them, but I said no. I didn’t want to be in the same room with them when they figured it out.”
“What about Patty?”
Keith looked back at the closed door. “I don’t think she gives a shit. She never even commented about it.”
“Fine. See ya at the studio.”
“Okay. See ya.” Keith hung up and looked at the phone for a moment. “What the hell is eating you, Carl?”
~
Carl finished getting ready, grabbing his car keys and wallet, stuffing them into the pockets of his black jeans. After Keith had pushed him away from their kiss and made it very clear he did not want the pretend relationship overlapping real life, Carl decided he was right. It was for the best. Carl didn’t want a gay relationship anyway. It was too complicated. There were so many obstacles and traps about being a gay actor. It just wasn’t worth it. This attraction to Keith was just some trick caused by the pretend one. Yes, it was nice to touch Keith, to kiss him, but Carl knew it was nice to touch a warm body, period. He’d been out of the dating game too long. By now he should have a woman living with him, be thinking about marriage and children. He was thirty, for crying out loud.
Closing the door to his condo, heading down to the garage, Carl elevated the garage door and sat in his car. They’d have dinner in, open a bottle of champagne to celebrate, watch the premiere, and that was it. Keith would leave.
Starting the car, knowing what the next episode entailed, Carl drove to the studio, trying to remember to keep his character, Troy Wright, separate from his real life.
~
Keith found a pad and wrote a note for Patty. I’ll be watching the premiere with some of the cast. Be home late.
He set it by the coffee machine, knowing she’d find it there. Looking back at the empty living room, Keith left, a heaviness weighing him down inside.
After parking in the studio lot, Keith twirled his key ring around his finger absently, speaking the lines he had learned from the new script in his head as he approached the door.
Moving through the large building to the set, Keith located the group of cast and crew all chatting together and sipping coffee. Carl was seated out of the way, his script on his lap.
Keith imagined walking up behind him like he had done before, leaning his chin on his shoulder to snuggle. If he did it now, he’d be the worst hypocrite.
Instead, he stood over him, still spinning his key ring on his finger nervously. “Hey.”
Without looking up, Carl replied in monotone, “Hey.”
Keith knew he’d fucked with this man’s head and he hated it. “Thanks for inviting me over tonight. I imagined watching it with Patty, or not watching it with her. She’s irritated with me at the moment.”
“Hm.” Carl didn’t look up. He kept reading the script on his lap.
“Carl?”
“Yes.”
“Will you look at me?” Keith was ready to either slap him or cry.
With reluctance, Carl gradually raised his eyes from his script, to Keith’s crotch, to his gaze.
“Please don’t hate me.”
“I don’t hate you.”
Keith’s lip started to tremble and he felt like a moron instantly. “You mean a lot to me.”
“You mean a lot to me too.”
“I love this work. I don’t want to be cut out of the
script.”
“What makes you think you’ll be cut out?”
Glancing over his shoulder quickly at the rest of the crew, Keith turned back and replied, “If our chemistry dries up. If we don’t light Charlotte’s fuse…”
With a stern expression to his face, Carl asked in annoyance, “Why exactly would our ‘chemistry dry up’?”
A sob about to burst from his throat, all Keith could say was, “Carl…”
“Okay people!” Charlotte clapped. “Speed read time!”
Keith backed up as Carl stood, brushing past him as he walked to the group.
Biting back his emotions, Keith swallowed hard and followed him.
They stood in a circle. Most of the cast had the scripts elevated in the air to read. Keith already had his memorized and suddenly felt as if he were rubbing everyone’s noses in it.
Imagining them all growing to hate him, to plot behind his back to have him cut from the show, Keith battled with his paranoia to concentrate and speak his lines when appropriate. As Carl read, even the most sensuous and loving dialogue, he never met Keith’s eyes, and just stared at the paperwork in his hand.
The next episode was mostly conversation and little else between them. Some kisses, no love scenes. They were setting up the pre-trial drama for the blackmailing, and Keith wanted them to get back to loving in Troy’s big bed.
~
Carl was miserable. All he wanted to do was resume their fun flirting banter. But somehow he’d crossed a line and upset Keith. He couldn’t bear to do it again. He loved Keith too much to make him uncomfortable, and would die if he lost him as a friend. Carl knew if he stared at Keith while he spoke his lines, he’d lose it. Cry like a baby and embarrass himself.
He just wanted to get through the day, go back to his place with Keith, and talk quietly about the premiere. They were friends. That’s what friends did.
~
The time passed too slowly. Keith wanted to talk to Carl in private but Carl wasn’t giving him the opportunity. Every time Keith made a move to whisper to him, Carl seemed to find someone to ask a question about the script, the blocking, the action, anything but let Keith say something in confidence. Keith couldn’t wait ‘til evening when he’d get his chance. This was making him very uncomfortable for so many reasons. The last thing he needed was for his career to be cut short before it began.
Finally they were released for the day. Keeping his eye on Carl as they left the building for the parking lot, Keith caught up to him and grabbed his elbow. Carl stopped short and looked down at their contact.
“You sure you want me to come over?”
“Not if you don’t want to.” Carl gently pulled back from Keith’s grasp.
“I want to.”
“Then follow me.” Carl kept making for his car.
A cold pit developed in Keith’s stomach again from the attitude. He preferred it when they acted like they liked each other. They were actors, couldn’t they pretend they did?
Keith hugged the back of Carl’s Corvette as if he were a horny dog sniffing his ass. They pulled into the parking lot of a tower condominium block. Keith parked in the guest area and walked down to the gated garage where Carl was waiting, keeping the metal grill from closing.
Keith wondered how lush the condo was. It certainly had to beat his crappy two-bedroom apartment.
In silence they ascended to Carl’s floor in the elevator. Carl exited without a backwards glance and opened his door. Keith stepped inside and wasn’t floored by the extravagance. It was a pleasant place but not a multimillion dollar penthouse. Out of a sense of duty he said, “Nice.”
“Thanks.” Carl tossed his keys aside and kicked off his shoes. “Hungry?”
“Yes. You?”
“A little.”
“Carl, at least give me some damn eye contact when you talk to me. You’ve been avoiding looking at me all fucking day.”
In reaction Carl slapped his palms on the counter of the island separating them and glared at him.
“Jesus!” Keith winced at the anger. “What the hell am I doing here, Carl?”
“I don’t know. Why don’t you fucking go home?” Carl opened the refrigerator and gazed in.
Biting his lip, not wanting to, Keith asked awkwardly, “Do you really want me to?”
“No.” Carl took out a platter of cold shrimp and set it on the kitchen table.
“That looks like enough food for a group. I have a feeling I was a last minute decision.” Seeing Carl’s light colored carpet, Keith took off his shoes while he stared at the food.
“You were. I just decided I couldn’t stand the idea of playing host. It’s too draining.” Carl pulled the plastic off the top of the tray. “Dig in.”
Keith washed his hands at the sink and dried them, keeping his focus on Carl as he set out tall fluted glasses for champagne and more hors d’oeurvres. Sitting at the table, Keith dipped a large shrimp in cocktail sauce and bit it. “Mm. Fantastic.”
“I’m glad.”
“Here. Taste.” Keith dipped one and stood, holding it in front of Carl’s mouth.
He hesitated for a moment before allowing Keith to feed him. As he chewed he said, “That is good. Fresh.”
A tingle passed over Keith’s body. It felt a little more normal for a moment there. He reached for another shrimp as Carl set out plates and silverware. “Open.” Keith dangled the crustacean in front of Carl.
“I can get my own. Sit down. Enjoy.”
“Last one.” Keith wanted to put it inside Carl’s mouth.
Carl leaned closer, opening his lips.
It was so sensuous Keith almost combusted on the spot. Behaving himself and not jumping on him, Keith fed it to Carl.
“Thanks.”
“My pleasure.” Keith wiped his fingers on a napkin and finally sat down again, his cock rock hard in his jeans. “There’s a lot of food here.”
“I know. Whatever’s left over I’ll bring to work tomorrow.”
“Good idea. Is everyone getting together?”
“I heard a few murmurs of gatherings. I didn’t listen very closely. Can you imagine Betty and Marty at a party? Drunk on their asses?”
Keith laughed. “Uh, no way. I wouldn’t want to see that.”
“I have. It ain’t a pretty sight.” Carl held up the champagne. “Now? Or later?”
“Up to you.”
“Now.” Carl wrapped a towel around the stopper.
Watching Carl’s biceps harden and swell as he forced the top off the bottle, Keith was so hot he wanted to attack him. It just seemed wrong somehow after the way he had pushed Carl off him. But here they could be discreet. Like Adam had said, if they just were private about it, why not play?
A loud pop sounded and Carl held the bottle over the sink as it gushed.
“Looks like it’s coming,” Keith chuckled.
Carl glanced over his shoulder at him. It was so sexy Keith knew he wanted him. Badly. “Perv,” Carl teased.
Smiling, seeing a little spark of the old Carl there for a split second, Keith craved more. “Speaking about perving. What’s with all the stupid dialogue lately?”
“The plot. Remember the plot?” Carl poured two tall glasses of champagne.
“Screw the plot. People aren’t watching Forever Young for the plot.”
“Oh?” Carl handed Keith a glass.
“No. They’re watching it to see the sex scenes. You do realize Cheryl flashes her tits an awful lot when her and Omar are doing it.”
“She loves it.”
“Toast?” Keith held up his glass.
“To?” Carl waited.
“To us? To our debut of season two. Long may we run.”
“To us.” Carl tapped his glass and took a sip.
“Mm. Nice. You really know how to pick good food and booze. The last bottle of champagne I tasted was so nasty I couldn’t drink it.”
“Cheap champagne is unpalatable.”
“I could never afford anything
else.”
“You get your first paycheck yet?”
“No.”
“You will soon. Buy a nice bottle with it.”
“I’ll be paying bills with it.”
Carl joined him at the table, eating more shrimp. “I remember those days. So, I should say, been there, done that.”
Keith licked his lips as he watched Carl devouring the shrimp. “I know eventually I’ll want to move out of that ratty apartment.”
“I would think so. What about your girlfriend?”
Keith’s smile vanished. “She’s not my girlfriend.”
“Oh?”
“Shut up. I told you about it. Don’t act like you’re an idiot.”