“Which is exactly why you have found me thusly. I was about to discuss the matter with Lord Dederick and see if there is no other way to deal with this, so it hurts no one.”
Carolina furrowed her brows. “Why would you be hurt by it? You’d be living in this place, at least for a little while, and you would live a life of leisure. That is something none in our family can say they have enjoyed. Why would you reject him?”
“I was offered a position as governess for a family in Cheltenham and it is something I very much want to do.”
Carolina stared at her long and hard, then shook her head incredulously.
“You would turn down the chance of a lifetime, to live like a Countess in a manor, to play nursemaid to children who were not even your own?”
Arabella glared at her sister.
“You know me well enough to know the answer to that question.”
“Then you are far more foolish that I ever knew you to be,” she said. “Do you not see? Marrying into this family would be a boon. Father could finally retire from his practice, he could enjoy the autumn of his years without worrying where our next meal was coming from. And I could be there for him and not be stuck here for the rest of my life, fearing that one errant stitch may get me booted onto the street.”
Arabella looked to her sister queerly. All these years her sister worked as a seamstress for the Countess, she did not know that it was something she despised, and she never thought of her father retiring. She never once considered it and she suddenly felt very selfish. As a governess, she enjoyed her work, enjoyed watching the children learn and grow under her tutelage, but she’d always been away from her family in doing so. Though she kept in touch through letters, she lived outside their world and was not privy to their trials and challenges. She was far removed from the truth of what her family endured without her and that humbled her.
“I can see now how selfish I have been, and I am sorry,” she said, taking her sister’s hand once more. “But I am still undecided how to go about this proposal that Lord Dederick has made me.”
Carolina pulled her hand away angrily.
“How can you be undecided?” she asked. “It is not as if he is a beastly old man who’s slobbering over you. He’s handsome and smart, and I daresay better than any offer you have or ever will receive.”
Arabella growled under her breath at that.
“I am happy that my family feels I have nothing to offer that would entice anyone else in this world,” Arabella harrumphed as she stood and paced away from her sister.
“That is not what I am saying, and you know it,” Carolina bit out. “There is no one in a fifty-mile radius of our home worthy of you that can offer you what Lord Dederick can, and that’s a life you deserve to live. That’s the life we all deserve to live. Why do you despise him so much that the offer offends you?”
“It doesn’t offend me,” Arabella said, dropping her gaze to her feet. “I respect Lord Dederick. Of all the men in his family, he is the one I admire most.”
“Then why?” Carolina asked, her brows furrowed. “Why would you deny him?”
Arabella shook her head, then sat gracelessly.
“I don’t want to give up my life for this one. Why do you feel our current life is so horrible that I need to do this to save us? It is not as if we are destitute or hungry, so why is this choice even necessary? Things were perfect until he mucked them up.”
“Perfect?” Carolina asked, disbelief plainly on her face. “You tend to your children while you leave father and me to work for hours and hours. I, until my fingers bleed from sewing and mending, and father… poor father. Working all hours, up in the middle of the night tending to people for a mere coin of appreciation. How is that perfect?”
Arabella stared at her sister. She had no idea Carolina felt so strongly about her work, or her father’s. For all she knew, her father enjoyed his work and knew he would be called away at a moment's notice, even if it were in the middle of the night. That was part of his occupation. She thought they both enjoyed their work as she had hers. And now, she was not sure of anything.
“I am sorry I have been so blind to all of this. I did not realize you were so unhappy,” Arabella said, offering her sister an apologetic shrug.
“I am not unhappy. Our family is far better off than most in the village. We live comfortably and are not wanting for anything, including a roof over our heads and food on our table. I cannot complain about what we have, but Arabella, we could have so much more with much less work. If you were to marry into this family, it would not only bring honor with it, but the knowledge that our hard work was not suffered in vain. We could sleep easy knowing we have nothing to fear should hard times fall upon us.”
“You do not know that,” Arabella said. “Yes, the elevation in society would be a blessing, if not utterly terrifying for me, but there is no guarantee that in marrying Lord Dederick I would be able to financially support you and father. What if his parents do not approve of the match? They could easily disown Lord Dederick, and then what? Then we would be worse off than we are now. These are the things that are weighing heavily upon me. I do not wish to make this decision rashly.”
Carolina nodded and bit her lip.
“I did not consider that. Do you truly believe the Earl would deny Lord Dederick this union?” Carolina asked.
Arabella shook her head with a shrug.
“I do not know what to think. I just know that, as an Earl’s son, his parents expect him to marry someone of similar breeding.”
“But you are a gentleman’s daughter.”
“I am, but a gentleman’s daughter is not what one in their world would consider good breeding,” Arabella offered with a sigh. “Based upon what you and father have expressed, I know in my heart that I must accept him. Though, I still fear what his family will think.”
“I suppose until and unless you accept him, you will never know,” Carolina said with a soft smile. “Just know that father and I will support whatever decision you make. Of that I am sure.”
Arabella hugged her sister then and kissed her cheek.
“I hate that our lives must change so suddenly. I wish things could remain the way they are.”
“Without change, life would be very dull,” Carolina offered with a quirk in her smile. “Now go, speak to Lord Dederick and let me know how things turn out.”
“You will be the first I confide in,” Arabella said, coming to her feet, and she sighed as she glanced at the door. “I suppose it’s time to face my fears.”
“You’ll be fine,” Carolina said, standing next to her, patting her arm. “Go, speak to him.”
Arabella nodded and after a moment's pause, made her way across the hall and standing at the library door far too long, finally stepped inside.
Lord Dederick was sitting in a high-backed chair near the fire, a book in hand, his leg propped on a footstool. She stood by the door silently, watching him, wondering what he read with such focus. As his eyes shifted across the page, her heart skipped a beat.
She had never really considered his beauty. Never truly had the chance to gaze upon him at length as she was now to remark on such things, but it was true. His features were striking. His hair was tousled as if he meant it to be so in a devilish way, sweeping his forehead and framing his face. His eyes, a soft grey green, drifted across the pages in front of him, his long lashes fluttering with the motion. The pensive set of his brow echoed across his face before he touched his fingertips to his lips, wetting them so he may turn the page. And when he did, he noted her standing there and instead of startling, he smiled, warm and inviting. And his smile drew her into the room like a magnet.
“I did not see you there,” he said, laying a ribbon into his book before he closed it and set it aside. “Please, come in. Sit with me.”
Arabella took a breath before she moved into the room and sat in the chair opposite him, folding her hands nervously in her lap.
“What are you reading
?” she asked with a faint smile, trying to disguise the trepidation she felt pulse through her veins.
Lord Dederick lifted the book from its spot on the table and handed it to her. Reading its spine, her brows rose.
“The Castle of Otranto,” she read aloud. “Is it any good?”
“I find it intriguing,” he said.
Arabella paged through it, her eyes scanning the text before she smiled and returned it to him.
“I could lend it to you when I am finished, if you would like,” he suggested, setting the book aside once more.
“Thank you, I am always searching for new books to devour.”
“Devour?” he said with a smile. “It is nice to see someone enjoys reading as I do. Yet one more thing we have in common.”
She inhaled at that and looked away self-consciously.
“Lord Dederick,” she started, then looked to her fingers in her lap. Toying with the fabric of her skirt while she chewed on the words swimming in her mind, she finally looked up at him. “You need not try to find more similarities between us to convince me. I feel I must accept your proposal.”
She thought he would be ecstatic at her agreement, that he would have leapt from his seat to embrace her, but he did not. Instead, he quirked his head and frowned.
“Lord Dederick?” she asked, concerned.
Instead of answering, he took his cane in hand and stood, shakily at first, then hobbled away from her.
“I did not think you would feel this was an obligation,” he said on a sigh.
His words confused her.
“How could you not? My father has all but demanded I accept to not offend you or your family.”
“My family?” he all but shouted as he turned back to her. “Why would you offend my family?”
“If I were to reject you, they may feel affronted by it.”
Lord Dederick had the nerve to laugh at that.
“I have not even discussed this with my family for them to feel anything. This is my decision, not theirs.”
“Do you not need to get your family’s permission?”
Lord Dederick stared at her as if she’d asked the most preposterous question.
“Though I would want my parents' approval, marriage is a decision that I must make myself. I am not heir, and I am not a child. Therefore, the decision is mine.”
“You do not truly believe that, do you? I am sure your father would not look kindly upon you marrying someone who was not the correct breeding. I cannot help but think I do not fall into the proper lineage for him or your mother to accept.”
Lord Dederick glowered at her.
“Your father is a gentleman, and a man my parents admire.”
“But he has no rank.”
“And neither do I.”
Arabella shook her head and exhaled, exasperated.
“I just want to make sure we’re making the right decision, that is all.”
“I thought you already accepted my proposal.”
“And so, I have, but now I am not so sure.”
“Why now?” he asked, anger tainting his tone.
“The main reason I accepted was to save my father from the humiliation of losing his position here, and my sister’s. Now that you tell me your family has no say in this, then mine has no reason to think they would be tossed out of your father’s service should I reject you.”
“So, the only reason you agreed to marry me was to save your family?”
“Yes, of course.”
“And there is no other reason you would think to do so?”
“No. What other reason would there be?”
“Oh, I don’t know, perhaps you would want to?”
Arabella stared at him. What was he talking about? She had already told him she had no urge to marry, and that she preferred to work as a governess. Had he not listened to a word she said?
“I can’t,” she said, holding up her hands in defeat. “I can’t keep going in circles with you about this. It’s absurd.”
“Why will you not think on this proposal with an open heart and mind and not consider it an ultimatum? Why is it so hard for you to believe that I have true feelings for you?”
“How can you?” she asked, her eyes searching his. “You do not know me. We are from different worlds. How can this match work?”
“Love has a funny way of mending gaps in relationships.”
“Love?” the word nearly choked her. “How can there be love between us?”
He made his way back to his seat and in sitting, took her hand in his.
“Will you not at least allow love to find a way in without putting up your walls and demanding that it does not exist?”
She tried to pull away, but he held it firmly, his thumb stroking the back of her hand. The feel of it, so direct yet so intimate, sent a chill through her skin.
“Can you at least allow us to let what is between us grow?” he asked, giving her hand a squeeze.
“What is between us?” she asked, the thought of what he suggested making her mouth go dry.
“You can sense it as well as I, admit it,” he said with a shy smile. “There is an attraction here, a pull so strong that it draws us together. Tell me you do not feel it.”
Arabella inhaled, wanting so much to tell him she did not, but that would be a lie. She felt it. She’d felt a pull toward Lord Dederick since the moment they met so many years ago. There was no denying it. She could not lie to herself.
Lord Dederick smiled when she did not answer him.
“There is something there,” he offered with a quirk of his lips, his eyes dancing. “Why not allow it to flourish into something beautiful?”
Arabella shifted in her seat, disengaged and pulled her hand away from him. His touch had seared her, and she could still feel his heat lingering on her skin. It was maddening, her own body defying her.
“You and I want different things,” she whispered. “I wish to teach children, that is my one joy in life. Taking that away would be unfortunate.”
Lord Dederick shook his head and looked away from her then, seemingly unable to process her words.
“I do not know that we want different things in life,” he started with a sigh. “I have no calling as you do, no vocation. My father had hoped that I would one day become a councilman or a barrister, but I am not fond of the law. Through no fault of my own, I have lived a life of leisure, but now I wonder if I should not find my own way through life. Forge my own path through life. I have no title that will save me or bring me fortune, and though my finances are solvent, there is nothing saying I cannot contribute to my purse to ensure the solvency remains.”
“That is a good way to think about it,” Arabella said with a smile, glad that he was finally seeing her side of things. “Is there anything you enjoy doing, apart from reading?”
Lord Dederick shook his head slowly.
“Not particularly, but then again, I have done little with my life to know what I like. I have spent my time trying to appease my mother, attending functions to find the perfect wife and trying to stay out of trouble at every turn. Now that I have found my wife, I am rather confused about what my next steps should be.”
Arabella understood what he was saying but hearing him mention her as his one and only choice was a shock to her senses. It was not something she had ever prepared for. Lord Dederick had not courted her, there was no dance or party leading up to this moment that she would have expected it, but there they were.
“I do not know what to tell you,” she offered, truly at a loss for words. She did not have brothers, did not know what young men were to do with their lives. She had only known her father as a physician, so she knew no other way.
“Do you still agree to marry me?” he asked, his eyes searching her face.
Arabella hesitated. She wanted to say no. She wanted to retract her promise knowing it was no longer a detrimental choice to make, but something in her heart stopped her.
“If you wish to marry m
e, then I shall agree to it,” she said.
“Truly?” he asked.
“Truly,” she said. “All I ask is that you give us time. I do not wish to marry next week, or next month. I want to become acquainted. I want us both to be sure there is no other choice to be made.”
Lord Dederick looked her over once more, considering her words, then he nodded.
“Fine. I will agree to that but know that from here I plan to properly court you.”
“How do you properly court someone who is living in your home?” she asked with a laugh.
“This is a big place,” he said with a coy smile. “You’d be surprised.”
Chapter Ten
Lord Dederick stared at the letter on the desk before him. He’d spent over an hour writing it and the words, no matter how many times he read them, didn’t seem to be enough.
Telling Arabella that his parents had no say in who he chose for a wife was a lie and he felt horrible even uttering the words to her, but he could not give Arabella another excuse to deny him. He was too close to having her to destroy any chance he thought he may have. Her father already agreed to the match and seemed happy for them, but he could not imagine how his own father would react. He assumed his father would care much less than his mother, who he knew would not see this as a prosperous or feasible choice. He could almost see his mother’s sneer in his head at the thought.
And so, he reread his letter, made sure the tone was confident and relevant, and with a sigh he folded and sealed it and gave it to the stable boy to be mailed on the morning post. The weather had improved over the last two days, and he’d seen several coaches pass by the manor on the main road, so he was sure the letter would reach London the next day, at which point he’d wait for a response and prayed his parents didn’t see fit to return to the country to reprimand him in person.
He admitted to himself that this was cowardly of him, that he should speak to his parents directly about this, but he did not want to give them the chance to deny him any more than he wanted Arabella to deny him. If he could figure a way of talking Arabella into a shorter courting period, he would acquire a special license and be married at once, but he knew that would not happen.
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