Well, when you coming over again, eh? Look, next time you come over, don't forget to let us know beforehand whether you're married or not. I'll always be glad to meet the wife. Honest. I'm telling you.
JOEY lies heavily on RUTH.
They are almost still.
LENNY caresses her hair.
Listen, you think I don't know why you didn't tell me you were married? I know why. You were ashamed. You thought I'd be annoyed because you married a woman beneath you. You should have known me better. I'm broadminded. I'm a broadminded man.
He peers to see RUTH’S face under JOEY, turns back to TEDDY.
Mind you, she's a lovely girl. A beautiful woman. And a mother too. A mother of three. You've made a happy woman out of her. It's something to be proud of. I mean, we're talking about a woman of quality. We’re talking about a woman of feeling.
JOEY and RUTH roll off the sofa on to the floor.
JOEY clasps her. LENNY moves to stand above them. He looks down on them. He touches RUTH gently with his foot.
RUTH suddenly pushes JOEY away.
She stands up.
JOEY gets to his feet, stares at her.
RUTH. I'd like something to eat. (To LENNY.) I'd like a drink. Did you get any drink?
LENNY. We've got drink.
RUTH. I'd like one, please.
LENNY. What drink?
RUTH. Whisky.
LENNY. I've got it
Pause.
RUTH. Well, get it.
LENNY goes to the sideboard, takes out bottle and glasses.
JOEY moves towards her.
Put the record off.
He looks at her, turns, puts the record off.
I want something to eat
Pause.
JOEY. I can't cook. (Pointing to MAX.) He's the cook.
LENNY brings her a glass of whisky.
LENNY. Soda on the side?
RUTH. What's this glass? I can't drink out of this. Haven't you got a tumbler?
LENNY. Yes.
RUTH. Well, put it in a tumbler.
He takes the glass back, pours whisky into a tumbler, brings it to her.
LENNY. On the rocks? Or as it comes?
RUTH. Rocks? What do you know about rocks?
LENNY. We've got rocks. But they're frozen stiff in the fridge.
RUTH drinks.
LENNY looks round at the others.
Drinks all round?
He goes to the sideboard and pours drinks.
JOEY moves closer to RUTH.
JOEY. What food do you want?
RUTH walks round the room.
RUTH (to TEDDY). Has your family read your critical works?
MAX. That's one thing I've never done. I've never read one of his critical works.
TEDDY. You wouldn't understand them.
LENNY hands drinks all round.
JOEY. What sort of food do you want? I'm not the cook, anyway.
LENNY. Soda, Ted? Or as it comes?
TEDDY. You wouldn't understand my works. You wouldn't have the faintest idea of what they were about. You wouldn't appreciate the points of reference. You're way behind. All of you. There's no point in my sending you my works. You'd be lost. It's nothing to do with the question of intelligence. It's a way of being able to look at the world. It's a question of how far you can operate on things and not in things. I mean it's a question of your capacity to ally the two, to relate the two, to balance the two. To see, to be able to see! I'm the one who can see. That's why I can write my critical works. Might do you good . . . have a look at them . . . see how certain people can view . . . things . . . how certain people can maintain . . . intellectual equilibrium. Intellectual equilibrium. You're just objects. You just . . . move about. I can observe it. I can see what you do. It's the same as I do. But you're lost in it. You won't get me being . . . I won't be lost in it.
BLACKOUT.
LIGHTS UP.
Evening.
TEDDY sitting, in his coat, the cases by him. SAM.
Pause.
SAM. Do you remember MacGregor, Teddy?
TEDDY. Mac?
SAM. Yes.
TEDDY. Of course I do.
SAM. What did you think of him? Did you take to him?
TEDDY. Yes. I liked him. Why?
Pause.
SAM. You know, you were always my favourite, of the lads. Always.
Pause.
When you wrote to me from America I was very touched, you know. I mean you'd written to your father a few times but you'd never written to me. But then, when I got that letter from you . . . well, I was very touched. I never told him, I never told him I'd heard from you.
Pause.
(Whispering.) Teddy, shall I tell you something? You were always your mother's favourite. She told me. It's true. You were always the . . . you were always the main object of her love.
Pause.
Why don't you stay for a couple more weeks, eh? We could have a few laughs.
LENNY comes in the front door and into the room.
LENNY. Still here, Ted? You'll be late for your first seminar.
He goes to the sideboard, opens it, peers in it, to the right and the left, stands.
Where's my cheese-roll?
Pause.
Someone's taken my cheese-roll. I left it there. (To SAM.) You been thieving?
TEDDY. I took your cheese-roll, Lenny.
Silence.
SAM looks at them, picks up his hat and goes out of the front door.
Silence.
LENNY. You took my cheese roll?
TEDDY. Yes.
LENNY. I made that roll myself. I cut it and put the butter on. I sliced a piece of cheese and put it in between. I put it on a plate and I put it in the sideboard. I did all that before I went out. Now I come back and you've eaten it.
TEDDY. Well, what are you going to do about it?
LENNY. I’m waiting for you to apologize.
TEDDY. But I took it deliberately, Lenny.
LENNY. You mean you didn't stumble on it by mistake?
TEDDY. No, I saw you put it there. I was hungry, so I ate it.
Pause.
LENNY. Barefaced audacity.
Pause.
What led you to be so . . . vindictive against your own brother? I'm bowled over.
Pause.
Well, Ted, I would say this is something approaching the naked truth, isn't it? It's a real cards on the table stunt. I mean, we're in the land of no holds barred now. Well, how else can you interpret it? To pinch your younger brother's specially made cheese roll when he's out doing a spot of work, that's not equivocal, it's unequivocal.
Pause.
Mind you, I will say you do seem to have grown a bit sulky during the last six years. A bit sulky. A bit inner. A bit less forthcoming. It's funny, because I'd have thought that in the United States of America, I mean with the sun and all that, the open spaces, on the old campus, in your position, lecturing, in the centre of all the intellectual life out there, on the old campus, all the social whirl, all the stimulation of it all, all your kids and all that, to have fun with, down by the pool, the Greyhound buses and all that, tons of iced water, all the comfort of those Bermuda shorts and all that, on the old campus, no time of the day or night you can't get a cup of coffee or a Dutch gin, I'd have thought you'd have grown more forthcoming, not less. Because I want you to know that you set a standard for us, Teddy. Your family looks up to you, boy, and you know what it does? It does its best to follow the example you set. Because you're a great source of pride to us. That's why we were so glad to see you come back, to welcome you back to your birthplace. That's why.
Pause.
No, listen, Ted, there's no question that we live a less rich life here than you do over there. We live a closer life. We're busy, of course. Joey's busy with his boxing, I'm busy with my occupation, Dad still plays a good game of poker, and he does the cooking as well, well up to his old standard, and Uncle Sam's the best chauffeur in the fi
rm. But nevertheless we do make up a unit, Teddy, and you're an integral part of it. When we all sit round the backyard having a quiet gander at the night sky, there's always an empty chair standing in the circle, which is in fact yours. And so when you at length return to us, we do expect a bit of grace, a bit of je ne sais quoi, a bit of generosity of mind, a bit of liberality of spirit, to reassure us. We do expect that. But do we get it? Have we got it? Is that what you've given us?
Pause.
TEDDY. Yes.
JOEY comes down the stairs and into the room, with a newspaper.
LENNY (to JOEY). How'd you get on?
JOEY. Er . . . not bad.
LENNY. What do you mean?
Pause.
What do you mean?
JOEY. Not bad.
LENNY. I want to know what you mean – by not bad.
JOEY. What's it got to do with you?
LENNY. Joey, you tell your brother everything.
Pause.
JOEY. I didn't get all the way.
LENNY. You didn't get all the way?
Pause.
(With emphasis.) You didn't get all the way?
But you've had her up there for two hours.
JOEY. Well?
LENNY . You didn't get all the way and you've had her up there for two hours!
JOEY. What about it?
LENNY moves closer to him.
LENNY. What are you telling me?
JOEY. What do you mean?
LENNY. Are you telling me she's a tease?
Pause.
She's a tease!
Pause.
What do you think of that, Ted? Your wife turns out to be a tease. He's had her up there for two hours and he didn't go the whole hog.
JOEY. I didn't say she was a tease.
LENNY. Are you joking? It sounds like a tease to me, don't it to you, Ted?
TEDDY. Perhaps he hasn't got the right touch.
LENNY. Joey? Not the right touch? Don't be ridiculous. He's had more dolly than you've had cream cakes. He's irresistible. He's one of the few and far between. Tell him about the last bird you had, Joey.
Pause.
JOEY. What bird?
LENNY. The last bird! When we stopped the car . . .
JOEY. Oh, that . . . yes . . . well, we were in Lenny's car one night last week . . .
LENNY. The Alfa.
JOEY. And er . . . bowling down the road . . .
LENNY. Up near the Scrubs.
JOEY. Yes, up over by the Scrubs . . .
LENNY. We were doing a little survey of North Paddington.
JOEY. And er . . . it was pretty late, wasn't it?
LENNY. Yes, it was late. Well?
Pause.
JOEY. And then we . . . well, by the kerb, we saw this parked car . . . with a couple of girls in it.
LENNY. And their escorts.
JOEY. Yes, there were two geezers in it. Anyway . . . we got out . . . and we told the . . . two escorts . . . to go away . . . which they did . . . and then we . . . got the girls out of the car . . .
LENNY. We didn't take them over the Scrubs.
JOEY. Oh, no. Not over the Scrubs. Well, the police would have noticed us there . . . you see. We took them over a bombed site.
LENNY. Rubble. In the rubble.
JOEY. Yes, plenty of rubble.
Pause.
Well . . . you know . . . then we had them.
LENNY. You've missed out the best bit. He's missed out the best bit!
JOEY. What bit?
LENNY (to TEDDY). His bird says to him, I don't mind, she says, but I've got to have some protection. I've got to have some contraceptive protection. I haven't got any contraceptive protection, old Joey says to her. In that case I won't do it, she says. Yes you will, says Joey, never mind about the contraceptive protection.
LENNY laughs.
Even my bird laughed when she heard that. Yes, even she gave out a bit of a laugh. So you can't say old Joey isn't a bit of a knockout when he gets going, can you? And here he is upstairs with your wife for two hours and he hasn't even been the whole hog. Well, your wife sounds like a bit of a tease to me, Ted. What do you make of it, Joey? You satisfied? Don't tell me you're satisfied without going the whole hog?
Pause.
JOEY. I’ve been the whole hog plenty of times. Sometimes . . . you can be happy . . . and not go the whole hog. Now and again . . . you can be happy . . . without going any hog.
LENNY stares at him.
MAX and SAM come in the front door and into the room.
MAX. Where's the whore? Still in bed? She'll make us all animals.
LENNY. The girl's a tease.
MAX. What?
LENNY. She's had Joey on a string.
MAX. What do you mean?
TEDDY. He had her up there for two hours and he didn't go the whole hog.
Pause.
MAX. My Joey? She did that to my boy?
Pause.
To my youngest son? Tch, tch, tch, tch. How you feeling, son? Are you all right?
JOEY. Sure I'm all right.
MAX (to TEDDY). Does she do that to you, too?
TEDDY. No.
LENNY. He gets the gravy.
MAX. You think so?
JOEY. No he don't.
Pause.
SAM. He's her lawful husband. She's his lawful wife.
JOEY. No he don't! He don't get no gravy! I'm telling you. I’m telling all of you. I'll kill the next man who says he gets the gravy.
MAX. Joey . . . what are you getting so excited about? (To LENNY.) It's because he's frustrated. You see what happens?
JOEY. Who is?
MAX. Joey. No-one's saying you're wrong. In fact everyone's saying you're right.
Pause.
MAX turns to the others.
You know something? Perhaps it's not a bad idea to have a woman in the house. Perhaps it's a good thing. Who knows? Maybe we should keep her.
Pause.
Maybe we'll ask her if she wants to stay.
Pause.
TEDDY. I’m afraid not, Dad. She's not well, and we've got to get home to the children.
MAX. Not well? I told you, I’m used to looking after people who are not so well. Don't worry about that. Perhaps we'll keep her here.
Pause.
SAM. Don't be silly.
MAX. What's silly?
SAM. You're talking rubbish.
MAX. Me?
SAM. She's got three children.
MAX. She can have more! Here. If she's so keen.
TEDDY. She doesn't want any more.
MAX. What do you know about what she wants, eh, Ted?
TEDDY (smiling). The best thing for her is to come home with me, Dad. Really. We're married, you know.
MAX walks about the room, clicks his fingers.
MAX. We'd have to pay her, of course. You realize that? We can't leave her walking about without any pocket money. She'll have to have a little allowance.
JOEY. Of course we'll pay her. She's got to have some money in her pocket.
MAX. That's what I'm saying. You can't expect a woman to walk about without a few bob to spend on a pair of stockings.
Pause.
LENNY. Where's the money going to come from?
MAX. Well, how much is she worth? What we talking about, three figures?
LENNY. I asked you where the money's going to come from. It'll be an extra mouth to feed. It'll be an extra body to clothe. You realize that?
JOEY. I'll buy her clothes.
LENNY. What with?
JOEY. I'll put in a certain amount out of my wages.
MAX. That's it. We'll pass the hat round. We'll make a donation. We're all grown-up people, we've got a sense of responsibility. We'll all put a little in the hat. It's democratic.
LENNY. It'll come to a few quid, Dad.
Pause.
I mean, she's not a woman who likes walking around in second-hand goods. She's up to the latest fashion. You wouldn't wan
t her walking about in clothes which don't show her off at her best, would you?
MAX. Lenny, do you mind if I make a little comment? It's not meant to be critical. But I think you're concentrating too much on the economic considerations. There are other considerations. There are the human considerations. You understand what I mean? There are the human considerations. Don't forget them.
LENNY. I won't.
MAX. Well don't.
Pause.
Listen, we're bound to treat her in something approximating, at least, to the manner in which she's accustomed. After all, she's not someone off the street, she's my daughter-in-law!
JOEY. That's right.
MAX. There you are, you see. Joey’ll donate, Sam’ll donate. . . .
SAM looks at him.
I'll put a few bob out of my pension, Lenny’ll cough up. We're laughing. What about you, Ted? How much you going to put in the kitty?
TEDDY. I'm not putting anything in the kitty.
MAX. What? You won't even help to support your own wife? You lousy stinkpig. Your mother would drop dead if she heard you take that attitude.
LENNY. Eh, Dad.
LENNY walks forward.
I've got a better idea.
MAX. What?
LENNY. There's no need for us to go to all this expense. I know these women. Once they get started they ruin your budget. I've got a better idea. Why don't I take her up with me to Greek Street?
Pause.
MAX. You mean put her on the game?
Pause.
We'll put her on the game. That's a stroke of genius, that's a marvellous idea. You mean she can earn the money herself – on her back?
LENNY. Yes.
MAX. Wonderful. The only thing is, it'll have to be short hours. We don't want her out of the house all night.
LENNY. I can limit the hours.
MAX. How many?
LENNY. Four hours a night.
MAX (dubiously). Is that enough?
LENNY. She'll bring in a good sum for four hours a night.
MAX. Well, you should know. After all, it's true, the last thing we want to do is wear the girl out. She's going to have her obligations this end as well. Where you going to put her in Greek Street?
LENNY. It doesn't have to be right in Greek Street, Dad. I've got a number of flats all around that area.
MAX. You have? Well, what about me? Why don't you give me one?
LENNY. You're sexless.
JOEY. Eh, wait a minute, what's all this?
MAX. I know what Lenny's saying. Lenny's saying she can pay her own way. What do you think, Teddy? That'll solve all our problems.
JOEY. Eh, wait a minute. I don't want to share her.
Complete Works, Volume III Page 6