‘Alright, I get it. We’ll figure something out, but right now, it’s a school night and you have a lot of work to catch up on.’
Abi leant her head on Lena’s shoulder. ‘Okay, Mum.’
Five minutes later Tom stood on his doorstep and wrapped Abi in a tight hug. ‘I know you want to be strong for your mum, but you don’t have to be strong all of the time. Call me anytime, for anything, and I’ll see you properly next weekend.’
Abi nodded and climbed into the car.
Tom turned to Lena and touched her hand. ‘Are you really okay?’
She nodded. ‘Thank you.’
‘I’m here for you. And for Abi. Anything you need, call me.’
He wished there was he more could say.
‘Thanks Tom, I will.’
‘I could take some time off from my course,’ he said as guilt and hurt scorched through his veins. ‘We could-’
‘Don’t. Don’t say it. I’m scared out of my mind right now, and I might just agree to what you’re thinking. But it doesn’t change anything between us. Cancer isn’t going to magically fix us. We want different things.’
Lena smiled at Tom before turning towards the car.
As their car disappeared from view, Tom grabbed his bike helmet and left.
His mind spun from Lena’s revelation as he set off along the road. He should have done more to keep in touch with her, and not allowed Abi to keep cancelling their plans. He’d thought they’d needed space, but now that reasoning seemed selfish.
He wouldn’t let them go through it alone, either of them, but right now he had to see Katy and explain everything. Something he should have done weeks ago.
CHAPTER 22
‘Bastard,’ Katy said to herself as she stepped out of the car and walked through the front door.
‘Bastard,’ she said again as she stormed into the kitchen to make herself some toast.
‘Bastard,’ she shouted as she opened the cupboard where she kept the bread and stared at the scattering of crumbs and otherwise bare space.
‘Argg,’ she shouted to the empty kitchen. She could’ve sworn she had some bread left.
Her hand gripped the handle of the cupboard and slammed it shut, but instead of letting go, she threw it back open and banged it shut again. Slamming the door harder and harder into the cupboard, over and over, until something in the handle gave way and it flew off from the door.
She stared at the useless chrome bar now in her hand. Her legs buckled and she dropped to the floor as sobs wracked her body.
Time passed, but how much Katy had no idea. Enough time for the tears and the anger to drain out of her.
What a mess she’d made of everything, she thought, wiping her hands across her face and lifting herself off from the floor.
A sudden haziness hit her head and a strange sensation tingled in the insides of her mouth. Just then a wave of nausea crashed through her so strong that it forced her stumbling to the sink before her stomach heaved and she wretched.
A few minutes later, Katy leant back against the work surface and wiped the back of hand against her hot, clammy forehead.
Then she washed out the sink and sipped some water before walking on shaky legs towards the stairs.
As she reached the staircase a bang sounded at the door.
‘KATY,’ Tom’s voice shouted from outside. ‘I know you’re in there. Please let me in,’ he called out, before banging again on the door.
‘It’s not what you think. Please let me explain.’
Katy sighed. She had no energy to fight with Tom, or yell all of the things she wanted to yell at him.
She stepped towards the front door. ‘Are you married?’ she called out, her voice croaky and raw from the crying and the nausea.
‘Yes, but-’
‘Do you have a daughter?’
‘Yes, but Katy-’
‘Go away Tom,’ she cut him off. ‘Just go away.’
‘Katy, please let me explain.’
She stepped back to the stairs, holding onto the banister as she forced her feet upwards.
‘Katy?’ Tom call out.
‘No,’ she whispered, more to herself than to him, as she reached her bedroom and dropped onto the bed.
CHAPTER 23
Sunday
At 3.59pm Katy flipped the sign on the door to Closed and let out a long slow sigh.
It had been harder than she’d thought running Green Tips by herself. There had been countless times where she’d needed to be in two places at once. Helping a customer decide on the right type of plant to buy, whilst simultaneously running items through the till for someone else.
Katy liked the idea of employing some help at the weekends, and wondered, not for the first time that weekend, how Mary had coped running the place alone for so long, when Katy could barely manage by herself for two and a half days.
She picked up the heavy wooden handle of the broom and held it in her hands, staring at the long stretch of floor in front of her, before resting the broom back in its place on the wall. The sweeping could wait until Monday, she decided, heading instead for the sofa in the kitchen.
Only after she’d let her head flop against the cushion did she give way to the exhaustion, and allow a dizziness to swim around her head.
The shaky feeling that had taken hold after she’d learnt the truth about Tom had yet to subside, but then she’d done little more than pick at her food, and had spent the nights staring at the ceiling, dissecting every minute of whatever it was she’d had with Tom, so what did she expect?
At least running Green Tips by herself had given her very little time to dwell on Tom.
The sound of the shop door banging shut echoed across the long building. She must have forgotten to flick the lock across, Katy sighed again, forcing herself up and fighting off the dizzying blackness crowding her head.
‘Sorry we’re clo-,’ Katy stepped onto the shop floor. Her words hanging in the air as her eyes met Tom’s.
‘Hi,’ he said, tucking his cycling helmet under his arm and striding across the floor towards her.
‘I don’t want to hear it,’ she sighed, turning back to the kitchen and flicking the light switch off. Her heart thundered in her chest. Her breathing quickened. She hated him for the way he made her feel, even now, with every neuron in her brain shouting at her to walk away, every cell in her body seemed to be fighting for her to stay and listen.
The combination made her stomach curdle with nausea.
‘Come on Katy, you owe me a chance to explain.’ Tom moved towards her.
‘Are you married and do you have a daughter?’ she asked, walking past him to the counter before twisting the small silver key in the till and pulling it out.
‘No,’ he replied.
The answer surprised her. She turned to face him.
‘I’m not married anymore, not in the real sense of the word,’ he said. ‘Lena and I have been separated for nearly three years, and Abi is not my biological daughter. We met when Abigail was three years old, but I love her like she is my own, and I will continue to see her if she’ll let me. Her mum and I are not her favourite people at the moment.
‘When Abi answered the door on Friday she probably guessed you were my girlfriend, which is why she said whatever it was she said to you.’
Katy let out a small laugh. ‘How long did it take you to come up with that?’ She said, blocking out the light that had sparked at the word ‘girlfriend.’ She wouldn’t be manipulated.
‘It’s the truth, Katy. The only reason we’re not divorced is because of my counselling course. Lena won’t agree to a divorce me whilst I’m a student.’
‘All that stuff about not being able to go out in public together because you were my anger management counsellor. It was rubbish. Admit it. You just didn’t want your wife to find out.’
‘That’s not true. Think about it, Katy. You’ve been in my house. You’ve practically been living there for the past few weeks. Have you seen a sing
le item of women’s clothing that didn’t belong to you? Anything, in fact, that would make you think I lived with anyone else?
‘Lena and Abi live in Bexley Heath, in south London. Thursday was the first day they’d even set foot in my new house.’ Tom sighed and rubbed his hand across his forehead. ‘Lena has breast cancer. She starts treatment in a few weeks. It’s going to be a difficult time for them.’
‘So why didn’t you just tell me all of this then?’
Tom pulled a face, causing the lines on his forehead to furrow. He took a step closer to her. ‘I meant to, and I know I should’ve done, but this is all still so new for me. I didn’t know when the right time to tell you was. It’s not like I can go up to everyone I meet and say, hey, I’m Tom and I’m getting divorced and I have a daughter.’
‘That is such crap. You had loads of chances to tell me.’
‘When?’ he said.
‘Sorry?’
‘When should I have told you, Katy? In the garden at the party when I’d only just convinced you to stop hating me? In the hallway when you’d walked into my house drenched from head to toe? In the kitchen when we were working on your business plan? When is the best time to tell someone you’re falling that you’re married?’
Falling for? Tom had said he was falling for her. Katy felt something rush through her, ramping up the pace of her heartbeat even further.
She squashed it back down.
‘I tried to tell you on that first Friday when you came over, but then I chickened out and the next thing I knew we...we were together, and then it seemed like the moment to tell you had gone. The longer I left it, the harder it got to say anything. I messed up and I’m sorry. Please Katy, we’ve got something here and I don’t want to throw it away.’
Water pricked at the edges of her eyes. She turned away from him, stepping to the back doors and sliding the bolt across them, she blinked away the tears.
‘I don’t think so,’ she said, spinning back towards him and striding towards the doors at the other end of the building.
Tom followed.
‘Can we go somewhere now and talk about it?’
‘No.’
‘What about tomorrow then, after class?’
She glanced at him, her pace slowing down.
‘You are still going to come tomorrow?’
Katy’s mind spun. She’d been so busy hating Tom, she’d forgotten that she’d have to see him at her anger management classes.
‘I...hadn’t thought about it.’
‘You have to come. You cannot jeopardise your life and this place because of what happened between us.’
‘Well sign my form then. Fake it. Just like you faked our relationship,’ she said, unable to hide the hurt from her voice.
‘I won’t do that. I crossed a line by getting involved with you, but I won’t cross another.’
‘Right,’ she nodded, narrowing her eyes. ‘So you get to choose the ethical lines to cross do you? Is that how it works?’
‘Katy, slow down, let’s take a breath and talk about this properly.’
‘Do not try to counsel me,’ she said, reaching the door and throwing it open.
‘Now, if you don’t mind I’ve got to lock up.’
Tom stepped through the door into the late afternoon sunshine.
‘Give me a chance to fix this. Surely you of all people know what it’s like to make a mistake.’
‘That’s true,’ she nodded, following Tom outside and pulling the door shut behind her. ‘I made a mistake getting involved with you. I should have stuck with my first impression.’
‘That’s not what I-’
‘I know what you meant,’ she cut in, ‘but I don’t trust you. It’s that simple. So do me one small favour and leave me alone. I know we’ll have to see each other at the classes but don’t try and talk to me, don’t try to single me out, don’t try to keep me behind at the end. Just leave me alone, okay?’
Tom stepped back as if she’d slapped him. He stared at her face, his eyes searching hers.
‘If that’s what you want,’ he said.
Katy faltered. She could see the hurt in his eyes, it sent a pang threading into her heart. All of a sudden she wanted to change her mind. To let him take her in his arms and hold her tight. She wanted to thank him for all he’d done to help her with Green Tips, and fall into bed with him over and over again.
Then a dozen images ran through her head, like flicking through the pictures in a magazine. His daughter standing at the front door. Tom’s face as she passed him in her car. His wife. Adam sitting on the sofa watching football. Cramming her legs into the back of the police car on the ride to the station.
‘Katy?’ Tom asked with an ebb of hope in his tone.
‘It is,’ she said, turning away from him and walking towards her car before he could see the emotion swimming in her eyes. Before he could ask her one more time to give him a chance. Before she gave in.
It had taken all of her strength to say no. To walk away. She didn’t trust him, that much was true, but her heart still pounded like she’d drunk ten espressos whenever she saw him. Her stomach still flipped upside down whenever he stepped close to her. Her body still ached for him.
Only when she’d dived into the driver’s seat of her car did she looked behind her, just in time to see Tom pedal out of the driveway.
Hot tears slid down her face.
She reached for her phone and opened up a new message to Claire. She stared at the empty message box before changing her mind. Claire was on holiday. She wouldn’t burden her with another mess she’d managed to make for herself.
CHAPTER 24
Monday
A throbbing ache attacked Katy’s neck. It wound its way up into her head and circled around the back of her eyes.
She ignored it and continued to stare at the swirly notch of wood on the floor just in front of her feet.
Tom’s voice had boomed around the hall for the past forty-five minutes. Forty-five minutes of staring at the floor whilst the sound of his voice echoed through her. Forty-five minutes of biting down on her lip and battling the urge to look up and find his eyes staring at her.
Like the time when she was little and her mother had told her not to pull the long red cord in her grandmother’s room at the nursing home. She’d stared at that cord every single time she’d visited her grandmother, always fighting the desire to give it a yank.
‘Super work today guys,’ Tom said, clapping his hands together. ‘It feels like we’ve come a long way together since our first session. Next week is our final class and we’ll be reviewing what we’ve learned over the past five weeks, doing some more role play scenarios, and talking about how you can keep the techniques we’ve talked about always fresh in your mind.’
The scraping of chairs and the thumping of feet on the floor filled the hall. Katy lifted her head, half expecting to find Tom stood in front of her. The ache in her neck eased as she glanced around the hall.
Her eyes found him. Not stood in front of her, but by the table at the front. Not staring at her, but talking to Damien. She stared for a moment expecting him to look her way and smile.
He didn’t. He’d done exactly what she’d asked him to do.
Katy could almost hear Claire’s laughter in her head. ‘You asked him to leave you alone, and he has, so why aren’t you happy?’ she would ask, shaking her head at Katy.
Because....because...because....Katy didn’t know the answer.
She pulled out her yellow attendance sheet from her bag and stepped forwards.
She knew he would leave her until last like he always did. He would try to talk to her again, Katy thought, unsure if the nerves dancing in her stomach were hope or dread, or both.
‘Hang on Damien, I’ll just sign this for Katy so she can get out of here,’ Tom said as she stepped to the table.
He took the paper in her hand and leant over the desk to sign it. He still hadn’t looked at her.
‘I...I go
t the loan,’ she stammered.
The pen in his hand paused for a moment but his gaze remained fixed on the paper.
‘That’s great, I’m really pleased for you,’ he said, scrawling his signature in the box and handing the form back to her.
‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘For your help with the business case.’
‘Anytime,’ he said.
Tom turned his gaze to Katy and their eyes met for a fleeting moment before his attention moved back to Damien.
A dam of emotions broke free inside her. The warmth of his body, the contours of his face, the pale blue of his eyes. His smile. His laugh. The way her stomach flipped upside down when his eyes stared into hers.
She stood there for another moment, staring at the side of his face as he spoke with Damien, and tried to decipher the emotional tsunami raging inside of her. Desire? Hope? Fear? Anger? All of the above? None of the above?
‘What do you think, Katy?’ Tom asked, his voice startling her back to reality.
‘Sorry?’
‘Damien was just telling me about his dismal employment prospects. He’s looking for some part-time work, and I thought you might need some help up at Green Tips?’
‘Oh...right. Yes, I guess we do,’ Katy stumbled over her words as she tried to focus. ‘What kind of thing are you looking for?’
‘Anything really,’ Damien shrugged. ‘I have college on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursday’s and Fridays, but my mum won’t let me do late nights because of my homework, so weekends mainly I guess.’
Tom stepped away from them. ‘Excuse me.’
‘Do you really think you might have something for me?’ Damien asked, filling Tom’s space as he moved towards her.
Katy followed the back of Tom’s body as he walked towards the corridor where she knew he left his bike.
He was leaving.
‘Potentially,’ she said as they began to follow the rest of the class out of the hall. ‘Green Tips isn’t actually mine yet, but I’ll speak with Mary, the owner, next week about it.’
‘Cool, thanks. No one wants to know when you’ve got a couple of police cautions.’
How To Throw Your Life Away Page 14