by SJ West
“Congratulations, little sister,” the man beside us said to me.
I let go of my husband and turned to face Orin, my brother. He was wearing the black attire and white collar of a priest. His lips were stretched into a smile of delight to rival my own.
“Thank you for coming home and doing this for us,” I told Orin, giving him a hug. “It meant the world to me.”
“Well, I couldn’t very well have the two of you living in sin, now could I?” Orin joked. “It was about time Jacob got up the nerve to ask you to marry him. It’s been three years after all. I didn’t think we needed to give him any time to back out.”
“Like Kira would have let me,” Jacob laughed.
I turned to face my new husband with an admonishment on my tongue, but quickly lost the words I was going to say when I saw my own happiness mirrored on his face. So instead of chastising him, I threw myself into his arms and kissed him squarely on the lips again.
“Oh dear,” I heard Dracen say, “I’m not sure I’ll survive having newlyweds living under the same roof as me.”
I stopped kissing my husband and turned to face my father. Jacob wrapped his arms around my waist as I turned to look at Dracen.
“You’ll be thankful for our newly wedded bliss if it produces a grandchild for you,” I teased him.
Dracen’s features looked conflicted by the notion. “I would very much like a grandchild. Just don’t tell me how that child came into being so I can enjoy him or her.”
“It will be a her,” I said confidentially, turning back in my husband’s arms to face his sparkling eyes once again. “I just know it.”
The memory changes again, and I hear the laughter of a little girl.
“Joselyn, come down from there at once!” I yelled at a girl who was about five-years-old. She had shoulder length blonde hair that was styled in a multitude of ringlets. As I watched the memory, I couldn’t help but realize how much she looked like Dena. The resemblance was uncanny.
She was walking across a large pile of boulders next to the underground lake in Dracen’s mountain home. I felt fear clinch my throat shut as she held her little arms out on either side of her to help maintain her precarious balance. Once she reached the safety of my outstretched arms, I held her tightly to my chest.
“Never do that again,” I scolded her. “Or I will give you a spanking. Do you understand me?”
“I was just having fun, Mommy,” Joselyn said in way of apology.
“But you could have easily fallen into the lake, Joselyn. Please, just promise me that you won’t do that again.”
Joselyn leaned back from me and kissed me once on the lips.
“I promise, Mommy. I’m sorry I made you worry.”
I brought Joselyn back into my arms feeling relieved that I caught her in time.
The memory changes once more and I see myself standing on top of Ledmarrow Mountain, looking out at the vast mountain range that protected us from unwanted visitors. The sun was just rising in the East bringing light into a new day. A pair of strong arms encircled my waist, making me smile.
“Don’t be gone too long,” I begged Jacob as he nuzzled the side of my neck with his warm lips.
“I won’t be. I’ll be back in a couple of hours, at the most. We just need a few supplies this trip. Are you sure the two of you can’t come with me? We could go wake Joselyn up and make a day of it together in the village.”
“Not today,” I sighed, denying myself the promise of fun Jacob was offering. “I desperately need to continue our daughter’s education. Her reading is atrocious, and her writing isn’t much better.”
“Then turn around and kiss me before I leave,” Jacob said.
I turned around in my husband’s arms and kissed him as if it might be the last kiss we ever shared.
As I pulled away from Jacob, he immediately pulled me back up against him, unwilling to let me go just yet.
When he did finally release me, I told him, “Come back to us quickly. I don’t like it when you’re gone.”
Jacob kissed me gently once more and promised, “I’ll be back before you know it.”
He grabbed hold of the necklace around his neck with one hand and said, “Villa.”
Jacob was instantly transported to the little village we bought our supplies in by using the magic my father infused his necklace with.
I hugged myself against the chill wind blowing through the mountains, already feeling the emptiness from his absence.
As I walked down the tunnel from the surface back into my home, a sudden panic infused my heart. I knew something was wrong. The air inside felt heavy-laden with an unknown melancholy. I ran down the tunnel to find the source and stopped short as the small lake came into my view. Floating face down in the dark water was the still form of Joselyn. Her white nightgown billowed out around her little body.
I ran towards the water and dove in, desperate to get to her. Once I reached her, I turned her over and placed one arm over her chest and under one arm to swim her back to the edge of the lake. After I had my daughter out of the water, I pushed on her lungs in a near mad, desperate attempt to save her life. Some of the water dribbled out of her mouth, but I knew it meant nothing. My daughter was dead. There would be no bringing her back to life. With that realization, something broke inside me. Whether it was my heart, my mind, or both, I knew I would never be the same again. I cradled her in my lap, rocking her cold, dead body back and forth in my arms. I began to speak to her as if she were still alive, telling her all about the things we would be doing that day before her father came back home from the village.
My memories began to skip around after that. They were disjointed, but I understood what they were depicting – true sorrow and anguish.
I mourned the loss of my child as any mother would. I saw images of me sobbing in Jacob’s arms as he tried to comfort me after our loss. At one point, I saw us arguing about whose fault it was that Joselyn was dead. There were memories of Dracen trying his best to console me as he grieved not only the loss of his only grandchild but also the loss of his daughter to the unfathomable depths of her own grief.
After Joselyn’s death, I allowed my pain to rule me and continued to seek ways to end it, to end me. A vision of me cutting my wrists with the edge of a razor plays out in my mind. It was an act of desperation to end the pain inside my heart and finally find some sort of peace in death with my daughter.
Suddenly, the visions begin to slow as if Vincent is finally able to grab a firm hold onto one of them to show me.
“I can’t keep going on like this,” I heard Jacob say in a shaky, tired voice as he and Dracen stood at the foot of the bed I was lying in.
“She just needs more time, Jacob,” Dracen said in a placating tone.
“It’s been a year, Dracen. When are you going to face the fact that she isn’t getting any better? If anything, she’s getting worse. Maybe you should have let her succeed in this last suicide attempt.”
Dracen slapped Jacob so hard I was sure the mountain trembled from the impact.
“If that’s the way you truly feel,” Dracen said viciously, “then I think it’s time you left my home and my daughter.”
Jacob rubbed the cheek Dracen struck as if such an action would take away some of the sting.
“She’s beyond reaching,” Jacob said to Dracen, trying to make the other man see reason. “The sooner you realize that the better off you’ll both be.”
Jacob turned his head to look over at me. His eyes were so tired, almost dead. I knew he looked the way he did because of me. My sorrow was slowly killing him. He had done his best to keep my spirits up since Joselyn’s death. He tried to convince me that we could still build a future together by having other children, but I just couldn’t see past my own grief. I didn’t care if I was causing him pain. All I wanted was an end to my agony, an end to an empty life.
As he continued to stare at me, Jacob reached up to grab hold of his necklace.
“Villa
,” he said, activating its magic to take him away from me forever.
I was beyond caring if he left or not by that point. I was simply drowning in my own misery and hoping for death to come to take me to my daughter.
Time passed.
I’m not sure how long Dracen tried to cajole me back into the world of the living, but I simply couldn’t find the strength to want to be a part of it anymore. As flashes of memories faded in and out, I knew I was slowly dying from a broken heart. Vincent finally stopped at one memory of Dracen holding me in his arms as I laid in a bed.
“Kira, you have to eat, my little love,” Dracen begged.
“Let me die,” I sobbed. “Please, Papa, just let me die and be with Joselyn.”
Dracen shook his head. “I can’t. I can’t lose you too. You’re my world, Kira.”
“And Joselyn was mine.”
Dracen closed his eyes, and I watched as tears slid down his cheeks. He sighed deeply and opened his eyes to look at me.
“Do you love me?” He asked, sounding unsure of what my answer would be.
“Yes,” I whispered, filled with sadness for causing my father so much pain.
“Then I need for you to try something for me to end both of our suffering.”
“What?”
“I may have found of a way for you to forget everything and give you a chance at a brand new life.”
“How?” I asked. I knew my father was a powerful sorcerer, but not even he could conjure such a miracle.
“You can shift into another person.”
I shook my head at him. “That won’t work. Jacob remembered everything from each person he was.”
“I know,” Dracen said with much foreboding. “But, I think I have a solution to that problem. I’ve been waiting for the right moment to test my theory. I think I’ve found someone who can give you a chance to start over.”
“How?” I asked weakly.
“My theory is…” Dracen said, his voice faltering as if he wasn’t sure he could say it out loud. Finally, he finished. “I think that if you shift into an infant, you will lose all of your memories. Very few of the little connections required for storing memories are fully developed in a baby. It may be your only chance to start over.”
“How can I shift into a little baby?” I ask, thinking my father’s desperation to do something for me has driven him completely off the deep end.
“I’m not sure if it will work. And if it does…” Dracen hesitated, and I see even more worry cloud his features. “Kira, if it does work, the physical pain you will have to suffer through will be unimaginable.”
“I suppose, if it does work, I won’t remember the pain.”
Dracen nodded slowly. “Yes. There is that small miracle.”
I remained silent as I thought about all the implications of leaving the life I knew and attempting to find meaning again in a brand new life.
“Have you found a child who is dying?” I asked.
“Yes. She’s in the orphanage in the village. It’s the same one Jacob used to live in. She was born just a few days ago with a weak heart. The director of the orphanage said the child won’t make it through the night.”
“Will you be the one who raises me?” I asked.
Dracen shook his head. “I don’t think that would be wise. If you lived here with me, it’s possible you would start to remember things from this life. I think it would be safer for you if you never returned home.”
“But, what about you?” I asked. “You’ll be all alone if I leave.”
“I would rather live an eternity alone than see you suffer the way you have for the last year and a half, Kira. If there is any chance at all that you can find happiness living the life of a different person, I want you to take it. Use your gift and find a way to be happy again.”
“Jacob…” I said, having to close my eyes as they began to burn with tears. “You have to find him and tell him how sorry I am, Papa. I never meant to hurt him or make him feel unloved. He needs to know how sorry I am for what I did to us. I let my guilt and grief destroy my heart. He deserved better.”
Dracen held me closer to him. “I will find him. I promise.”
We sat there together for a long time, living out the last moments we would ever spend together.
Eventually, Dracen asked, “Are you ready?”
I leaned back from him and nodded my head, not trusting my voice to be strong enough to say yes.
Dracen stood up and used a necklace similar to the one he made for Jacob to transport him to the village. He soon returned with the baby cradled in his arms. Her little head was filled with short blonde curls. The sight of her brought back memories of Joselyn as a baby and I began to cry.
Dracen placed the baby in my arms, and I could feel the heat of her little body even through the thick blanket she was swaddled in. I placed my index finger into one of her little hands and felt her small fingers grab hold of it.
“How long does she have?” I asked Dracen.
“Not long,” he said, sitting down beside me on the bed.
I looked up at my father and asked, “Will you stay with me until it’s over?”
“I had no intention of leaving,” he said, tears welling in his eyes as his voice broke. “I’m so sorry this is the way things have turned out for you. I wish…”
“There’s no point in making wishes that can’t come true,” I told him. “If anyone knows that, it’s me. I love you, Papa.”
“And I love you too, Kira. I pray that the people who adopt you do a better job than I did.”
“Don’t say that,” I admonished. “No one will ever love me the way you do. You would rather give me up completely than see me suffer for the rest of my life. If that isn’t unselfish love, then I don’t know what is.”
I felt the child in my arms tighten her hold on my finger and slowly let it go.
I didn’t know what to expect from the effects of shifting and was ill prepared for the excruciating pain.
The last memory I have as Dracen’s daughter is the echo of a scream so loud it surely woke the dead.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
After the last memory faded and I was brought back to my reality, I stood completely still and kept my forehead pressed against Vincent’s. If I moved an inch, I feared I might breakdown, or worse, lose my mind. A life I didn’t even realize I lived had just been revealed to me. How was I supposed to deal with everything I had just learned?
“What can I do?” Aurora asked sympathetically, rubbing her silky smooth head against my cheek.
I remained silent because I wasn’t sure I was ready to face the reality of my life just yet. So much had been sacrificed to provide me with a chance at happiness. Dracen had given up knowing his daughter just so she could have a new life without having to suffer through the pain of loss.
Now, his daughter knew everything. I might not be able to remember all the years we spent together, but all of the emotions my true self felt back then floated just beneath the surface of my consciousness. I could feel them pressing against heart like a heavy weight yearning to be released. It was evident Dracen hoped none of my memories would survive my transformation into the infant. His plan had been brilliant but obviously not infallible.
“I am sorry,” Vincent said to me, not moving his head an inch. I think he knew I needed a moment to collect my thoughts and emotions. “If I had known what awaited in your memories, I would not have delved so deeply into them. Dracen was wise in trying to help you forget them.”
“Maybe,” I said, remaining motionless, refusing to revert into the woman I saw in the memories. I refused to be someone who let her grief take control of her life.
I inhaled deeply before lifting my head away from Vincent’s.
“But I’m not that woman anymore,” I declared, deciding to take charge of my own fate. “I’m stronger now. And I have a whole country of people who are depending on me to save them. Kira gave up her life when she agreed to become April Pew. As f
ar as I’m concerned, she is dead. She actually died the day her daughter passed away, but those around her simply refused to see it. I plan to honor her last wishes and live a life that means something. I’ve been handed the chance to change the course of history for the better, and I feel sure that’s what Kira would want me to do. Her life ended a long time ago, but I feel as though mine has just begun.”
Vincent lowered his outstretched wings from around me and tucked them back against his sides.
“That is a very rational way to think of things. And I don’t disagree with it,” Vincent said, but I could hear a great deal of hesitancy in his voice.
“But you don’t totally agree with it either?”
“I would simply caution you,” Vincent replied. “The sorrow of a parent over losing a child can be devastating, as you witnessed. That type of pain never completely goes away, no matter what you do to hide it. I fear you are deluding yourself if you think you can simply keep the sorrow of losing your daughter in the past. At some point, it’s bound to resurface. You need to be ready for it when it does.”
“She will have me with her this time. I will not let her give up on life. I can help her through it,” Aurora said, her voice filled with grim determination.
“Of that, I have no doubt little dragon,” Vincent said, sounding somewhat amused by Aurora’s bravado. “I sense the two of you will do great things for not only Vankara but also for one another.”
“Can you help me with the council?” I asked Vincent, returning our attention to the problem at hand. “How can I convince them to help me?”
“Leave that to me,” Vincent said, standing to his feet. “I will speak to them on your behalf.”
“You would do that for me?” I asked in surprise.
“Your motives are pure…what should I call you? Which of your names do you identify the most with?”
“Sarah,” I said without hesitation. “I think of myself as Sarah.”
“You’re motives are pure, Sarah. And Gregoire knows his brother should be brought back here to stand trial.”
“Stand trial for what exactly?” I asked.