‘So, how does it make you feel?’
‘Lucky?’ I smile, and he laughs quietly, bowing his head.
‘This is so messed-up, bro.’
‘Yeah.’ I take a swig of beer, my eyes back on Kira who’s now kneeling up in front of Kandi-Ann, and they’re kissing, and touching each other, and I can feel my cock stirring as that dangerous fantasy returns to mess with my head. ‘I know.’
‘Be careful, Neal.’
I tear my eyes away from Kira to look at my brother. ‘I don’t need to be careful.’
‘I think you do.’
He holds my gaze for a few seconds longer before he turns and walks away. And I look back at Kira. And Kandi-Ann. And something hits me, from out of nowhere. Something so strong it twists me up inside.
Maybe I do need to be careful.
Maybe…
Kira
I drop the robe and look in the mirror, cocking my head to one side as I stare at my reflection. It’s over. It’s done. And I’m OK. It felt good, but it was wise to take myself out of the already flimsy and fragile reality in which I’m living, and move into a more detached world.
‘Do you want to use the shower?’
I turn to see Kandi-Ann standing there, naked, in the middle of Neal’s office. Our office. Although, to be honest, I don’t do all that much in here, apart from fuck him over the desk or bring him the kind of lunch you can’t get at Subway.
‘No. I’m gonna wait for Neal.’
She walks over to me, and I make no move to cover my own nakedness as she stands behind me, our eyes meeting in the mirror. ‘Do you do everything with Neal now?’
Pretty much, yeah. Now she mentions it.
‘Showering’s a lot more fun with him.’
She smiles, and rests a hand lightly on my hip, and there’s a part of me that knows I should pull it away. She has no right to touch me like this, not in private. Those days are gone, we’ve already agreed they’re behind us. But there’s another part of me that likes the way it makes me feel. Her touch is different to Neal’s. Softer. Her touch has seen me through a lot of shit; it’s helped me, when I needed it the most.
‘It used be fun with me, too,’ she whispers, moving her hand up so it cups my breast, and I gasp as her thumb flicks over my nipple. ‘Like old times, Kira. Remember?’
I close my eyes as she moves her hand back down, stroking the curve of my waist, dropping lower, sliding it around to touch my stomach and I inhale sharply because I know what she’s going to do, and I also know I should stop her. I’ve fucked her once tonight, and I want Neal now. Not her. I want Neal.
But I don’t stop her. Instead I open my eyes and look in the mirror, watching as she slips a hand between my legs and slides her fingers across my slit, making me wet, turning me on, and I hate myself, for feeling this way. Because this isn’t right. When we do this in public it’s OK. When we do this in private it’s wrong. But I love the way it makes me feel. I just know it would feel better if Neal was here, too. If he was touching me, and Kandi-Ann was touching me; both of them, together. And that thought shocks me, but I like the idea. The three of us. Together.
Her fingers probe that little bit harder, and I gasp as she slides them inside me but all of a sudden I don’t want this. Not here, not like this. Out there, or in the bedroom at home, playing for Neal, that’s fine. That’s OK. But this is far from OK. This is wrong.
I take hold of her wrist and pull her hand away from me. ‘No, Kandi.’
She kisses the back of my neck and I allow the shiver that action causes to run its course. ‘Your choice, babe. But you know what you’re missing.’
I pick up my robe and wrap it back around myself, watching in the mirror as Kandi-Ann gets dressed.
‘I’m glad you’re here,’ I say, and our eyes lock in the reflection. ‘But things are different now.’
She looks at me, but she leaves a few loaded beats before she says anything. ‘Yeah. I guess they are.’ She comes back over to me, and I turn to face her. ‘But different can be good, Kira. Different just means we might have more options open to us, that’s all.’
I frown slightly, because I’m not entirely sure what she means by that.
Or maybe I do.
Maybe it’s just something I’m not sure I want to think about.
Neal
I watch as Kandi-Ann slides a hand between Kira’s legs; watch as Kira leans back against her and moans quietly before suddenly pulling Kandi-Ann’s hand away. And I’m guessing now that those two have a history I know nothing about. Something that’s way past professional.
I bow my head briefly, but it snaps back up when I hear them talking, and I watch again as Kandi-Ann walks back over to Kira, and the look they give each other – I don’t know. They’re not acting now. They’re not doing this for an audience. What’s happening in there, that’s real. And I don’t know whether to feel sick or excited. I’m that fucked-up these days that the thought of Kira fucking another woman, even if it wasn’t part of what’s happening out there, in the club; the thought of that is such a freaking turn-on. Yet, if this was happening with another man I’d be in that room now ripping him limb from fucking limb, I swear, no other man is ever gonna touch her again. But another woman? Jesus fucking Christ, I’m fine with that. I think.
I lean back against the doorpost and close my eyes, breathing in deep.
Be careful.
Barry’s words keep playing over and over in my mind.
He had no idea what he was warning me about.
No idea what I needed to be careful of.
I know.
And I still want to go there.
Nine
Kira
I feel a hand on my arse and I swing around, my arm pulled back ready to attack, because I know it isn’t Neal touching me. I know how he feels, the way he touches me, and this isn’t him.
‘Touch me again, and I will fucking hurt you.’
Barry smirks, but he makes no attempt to move away, he just stands there, his hands in the pockets of his exquisitely-cut suit pants, his cocky, somewhat arrogant attitude oozing from every pore. ‘I wasn’t aware you were fussy, darlin’.’
The slap I give him is so hard it echoes around the office, my hand tingling where it connected with his cheek. ‘Fuck you!’ I hiss, glaring at him. ‘You may not like what I am – what I used to be – but you have no right, no fucking right to treat me like some cheap whore, do you hear?’
‘But that’s all you are, Kira. For ten years you sold yourself to men who needed the fucked-up shit you gave out every day. Fucked-up shit my brother once needed… fucked-up shit you’ve brainwashed him into thinking he still needs now…’
My hand connects with his cheek a second time. And still he doesn’t react. He keeps the smirk on his face and the attitude ever-present. But I can handle bastards like him. He thinks I haven’t had this crap thrown at me before? He has no idea what I’ve been through, what I’ve had to endure; the things I’ve had to deal with. He has no fucking idea.
‘He doesn’t love you, Kira. Not really. He loves the idea of you, is all. He loves the idea of having his very own living, breathing sex toy he can play with whenever he wants because I think he was just tired of paying for it. Finally. And then you came along, and he was getting it for free, which, I have to say, was extremely generous of you, although, in your line of work I wouldn’t have thought it made very good business sense. Giving it away for free kind of defeats the whole object of what you do, doesn’t it?’
‘Neal is going to be back any second, Barry. You really want him to hear this, do you?’
‘He doesn’t love you, Kira. You’re just this fantasy he can’t seem to let go of, but he will. He’ll get it out of his system – all of it. Eventually. You, that club, all of it; he’ll get it out of his system, and when that happens you’ll be history. When that happens he’ll want you on a plane back to where you came from, and you can go back to living whatever messed-up life you were li
ving before. And my brother can start living the life he deserves.’
I laugh. I can’t stop myself. His words are cutting into me like the sharpest of knives; they’re breaking my heart because I don’t know how much truth there is in any of what he’s just said. But I laugh. Because he has some guts to stand there and insult me like this.
‘I think you might just be a little bit jealous of your brother, Barry.’ I take hold of his tie and pull him closer, my mouth almost touching his. ‘Do you want some too, huh? Is that it?’ He thinks I’m a whore? I can play the whore, yeah, I can do that. ‘Do you want what your brother gets, every day, every night, and then some? Do you want that, too?’
I’ve caught him off-guard; his expression tells me I’ve got him on the back foot here because he obviously wasn’t expecting this reaction.
‘Do you want my legs wrapped around you? Do you want to sink your cock…’ I reach down and touch him, his hard-on evident, and I let out a tiny gasp, ‘inside me?’
He moans as I palm his erection, and then I lift a leg and kick him backwards, sending him reeling across the office.
‘Now get the fuck away from me.’
He steadies himself as he staggers back against the wall, his eyes burning into mine. ‘Neal’s right about one thing.’
I say nothing. I just stare at him. I want him out of here.
He walks back over to me, but I do nothing this time. I just keep eye contact.
‘You really are beautiful.’
He reaches out and cups my cheek and still I do nothing.
‘And yes, Kira, I want to sink my cock so deep inside you it’ll make you scream. Because I’m guessing you like it that way.’
He pulls his hand away and I watch as he leaves the office. Let him think he’s rattled me, but he hasn’t. I know he thinks of me as nothing but a whore. He wants better for Neal – better than me. He wants his brother to live a normal life, rather than the messed-up one he’s living with me. But messed-up is the way we’re going now. And we like it that way.
‘You OK?’
I turn to see him standing there, in the doorway. Neal Cannon. My world. Everything revolves around him now, and there isn’t a thing I can do to change that.
‘I’m fine.’
But I don’t want to be here. At the gallery. Not after what’s just happened. I know we’re supposed to be keeping some element of our daytime lives going – or we’re trying to, anyway. But I don’t really feel like being here today. I wish I’d gone to the club instead, or out for a walk. There’s still so much of Manhattan I haven’t yet seen. I’ve spent so much time with Neal since I got here – in bed, in our own private playroom. So much time, just fucking and playing. I haven’t really explored my new home. And yet, as I look at him, all piercing blue eyes and beyond handsome face, I’m hit head-on with the frightening realisation that I don’t want to be anywhere else. I don’t really want to leave his arms; his bed. Ever. If I could live inside that bubble we’d created back in Newcastle I would. I’d do that. I’d live there. And I would never fucking leave.
‘You sure?’
He raises an eyebrow as he asks that, and I’m slightly irritated by his persistence.
‘What did Barry want?’
I look up sharply. ‘Barry?’
‘Yeah. I saw him coming out of here…’
‘He was looking for you.’
‘Really? He doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to find me. I’m sure he’s just left…’
‘Well it mustn’t have been important, then.’
He frowns as he walks over to me. ‘You sure you’re OK?’
‘Neal, I’m fine, alright? I guess the late nights are just starting to get to me, that’s all. Especially when we have to come in here…’
‘Kira, baby, if you want to stop any of this…’
‘No. No, I don’t want to… I’m just tired.’
He’s right in front of me now, and I look up into his ridiculously blue eyes and all I want to do is go back home and fuck the day away.
‘There’s too much reality in daylight, huh?’ His voice is low and quiet as his fingers gently stroke my cheek, and I smile and nod because he’s right. Reality is starting to intrude; it’s beginning to pierce our world. And I hate it. I resent it for doing that. And I hate that I let it happen. I had a moment of weakness with Kandi-Ann, and I’m stronger than that. But it worries me, that I let it get as far as it did but because of what we do, together, out there for everyone to see, it blurs lines. It complicates things. But I should be able to deal with it, now. I used to turn to Kandi-Ann when I needed comfort I couldn’t get from anyone else, not even Joey. When I needed sex that wasn’t being paid for. Sex that wasn’t with a man. That’s when I turned to her. But I have Neal now. I don’t need that kind of comfort anymore. I don’t need her. I shouldn’t ever need her again. Not like that.
‘Do you want to go home and hide in the playroom?’
I smile again and pull myself up on to the desk, opening my legs, and he steps between them. ‘We don’t go in there until after dark, Mr Cannon. Remember?’
‘But there are exceptions now, Ms Blu. I mean, we have our brand new playroom to deal with, don’t we? And that tends to take up most of our after dark activity, so, I think it’s time to open our own private playroom during daylight hours now. Don’t you?’
‘And what happens to Ms Hardy, hmm? If we’re in there, in daylight, are you playing with Ms Hardy, or Ms Blu?’
He laughs quietly and slides a hand up under the hem of my dress, his fingers snaking up my thigh and I wrap my legs around him as we kiss – a long, slow, dirty-as-hell kiss that really should belong behind closed doors. ‘I’ll play with both, baby.’
But I think he knows as well as I do that Kira Hardy never really stood a chance. She was never going to cut it here, in this world. This is Kira Blu’s world.
‘You’ve got appointments today,’ I murmur, my mouth still refusing to leave his.
‘Fuck the appointments.’
‘So unprofessional.’
He smiles, and I die inside, Jesus, I feel sixteen all over again.
‘You’re supposed to be teaching me stuff, Mr Cannon.’
I place my hands palm down behind me and lean back slightly, keeping my legs wrapped around his hips.
‘I can teach you plenty, darlin’.’
I laugh, because I know he isn’t talking about art or business or anything like that. And then I lean forward and pull him closer by his tie until his mouth is back touching mine, resting lightly against it. ‘I bet I can teach you more.’
He laughs, too – a low, sexy-as-hell laugh and I feel my stomach dip so low I have to bite down on my lip to silence the gasp that’s caught in my throat.
‘Oh, I have no doubt about that, Ms Blu.’
I look into his eyes, and there’s something there I can’t quite read, and it unsettles me slightly, but I let it go.
‘We’re going home,’ he whispers.
And I’m not going to put up a fight.
Everything doesn’t have to make sense – that’s what he told me, just a few weeks ago, when I was still fighting this. Sometimes confusion can be hot. And I smile as I remember his words; the look in his eyes as he’d said them.
Hot, sexy, dirty confusion.
Yeah. We’re going home.
Everything else can wait…
Ten
Neal
I watch her as she sleeps. It’s only mid-afternoon but we’ve been fucking since we got back to the penthouse a couple of hours ago, and even though I’m just as exhausted as she is, I can’t sleep. I don’t want to. There’s too much going on inside my head to let me give in to sleep. And as I look at her, watch her tits rising and falling as she breathes slow and steady, I know that everything I shouldn’t be thinking – I still want it. But I shouldn’t.
I reach out and move the covers down so they’re just past her thighs, and I look at her, exposed and beautiful. She’s my whole fu
cking world now, and that scares me, more than anything else ever has, but it’s true and it’s real and I can’t change it. She’s my entire wrong, warped world.
I lean over and lightly kiss her slightly open mouth and she lets out a tiny sigh, but she doesn’t wake. And I don’t want her to, not yet. I just want to look at her for a little while longer.
She turns a little more towards me, one arm up above her head and my eyes fall back on her tits. Her nipples are hard and erect and as she moans quietly in her sleep I wonder if she’s dreaming, about us. About what we do to each other. What I do to her. Is she dreaming about that? I like to think she is, and my cock reacts accordingly.
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