‘No, I’m fine. Just a bit tired, that’s all. Didn’t sleep too well.’
‘Busy night last night, was it?’ He goes behind the bar and pours me a coffee.
‘Don’t know, actually. We didn’t stay until the end. We went home early.’
He hands me a mug and raises an eyebrow, but unlike Joey he doesn’t want details, and for that I’m grateful. I don’t think what happened last night needs to be shared.
‘Thanks for this.’ I smile and raise my mug to him before taking a small sip.
‘You’re welcome, angel. You looking for Joey?’
‘Is he here?’
‘He’s out back sorting the drinks order. I can go get him, if you like.’
I shake my head. ‘No. It’s OK. I’ll just hang out here, if that’s alright?’
‘Of course it is, honey. You stay as long as you like. Can I get you anything else?’
‘No, thanks, Fran. The coffee’s fine.’
He smiles and gently touches my shoulder before he heads over to the main stage where rehearsals are in full swing for tonight’s show. I take another sip of coffee and sit back and watch, losing myself in something fun and familiar. I should really go downstairs, but Neal’s probably still at the gallery so I’ll just stay here a little while longer. I like it here. Just like Bam-Bams was back in Newcastle, this place is like a haven for me. Somewhere I can escape. Except, I wasn’t supposed to be escaping here in Manhattan, was I? I was supposed to be starting my life again, I wasn’t supposed to be hiding. But maybe I’m just not meant to stop running. Maybe it’s something I’ve just got to get used to.
‘So, how’s Madam Blu today then?’
I swing around to see Joey, who’s looking surprisingly rock-star in black skinny jeans and an open-necked, zebra-print shirt. ‘Don’t call me that, Joey.’
He looks at me. ‘Why not? Oh, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know what goes on in your private sex den.’
‘And what’s with the outfit?’ I smile, looking him up and down. He’s even wearing biker boots.
He glances down at his shirt, then back up at me. ‘If it’s good enough for Steven Tyler… Blue Eyes not with you?’
‘He’s at the gallery.’
‘You didn’t want to go with him?’
I take another sip of coffee. ‘Can’t be arsed with his brother.’
‘I thought you were just going to ignore him.’
‘I am.’
‘So why are you here?’
‘Do you want me to go?’
He leans back against the bar and folds his arms. ‘What happened to you being his apprentice, then? Get bored of the art world so soon, huh?’
A corner of my mouth twists up into a smile. ‘I’m still his apprentice, Joey.’ I slide down from the stool and trace my fingertips along his cheek. ‘It’s just that the lessons he’s giving me now are about more than just art.’
‘It’s all about sex with you, isn’t it?’ he mock-sighs, but he knows sex is all I’ve known for the past decade. It’s been my world, my life. It’s what I do; it’s all I know.
‘Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you and Benni have turned into celibate bores now.’
‘Far from it, angel,’ he sniffs and then smiles as he waves at one of the performers on stage. ‘We just don’t broadcast our sex life for all and sundry to know about.’
I smirk, and run my fingers through my hair, shaking it out. ‘Have you seen Kandi today?’
He looks at me. ‘No. I haven’t. You two on again tonight, then?’
‘Don’t know, actually. I think there’s a meeting, once Neal gets here, to sort out some kind of rota for the next week.’
‘Rota? Dear God, she’s making this all sound normal.’
‘Everything still needs to be planned, Joey. We can’t just rely on whoever happens to turn up that night. Whatever you might think of that place, The Playroom is still a business, just like Bam-Bams.’
He leans over and gently kisses my cheek. ‘Everything OK with you and Blue Eyes?’
‘Everything’s fine.’
‘Do you want to answer that question again, only, this time tell me the truth?’
‘Everything’s fine, Joey. It’s just…’ I take a deep breath. ‘Neal – he knows.’
‘Knows what?’
‘About me and Kandi.’
‘You told him?’
‘He guessed. He saw us together, after we’d… on opening night…’
‘Saw you together?’ He narrows his eyes and I don’t know if I can be bothered with the lecture that’s going to follow this conversation. I’m starting to feel like a child who’s about to be chastised over some stupid little misdemeanour.
‘We were in his office, getting changed, and she…’ I throw my head back and sigh quietly. ‘She touched me. And I responded.’
‘Responded, how?’
‘We kissed.’
‘And he saw you?’
I nod. ‘And this morning, over breakfast…’
‘You two eat?’
He’s trying to lighten the mood, I can tell, but he’s concerned. I can tell that, too. ‘He asked me, if I still had feelings for her.’
‘And do you?’
‘No.’
‘You sure?’
‘I’m positive. I don’t need her like that, not anymore. I’m over all that shit – all those reasons why I turned to her in the first place. I’m over them. All of them.’
‘But she seems to be a habit you can’t break, angel. A ten year habit.’
‘She’s my friend.’
‘And Blue Eyes is OK with it all, then, is he?’
‘I think so.’
‘You think so?’
‘Are you going to repeat everything I say?’
‘What do you mean, you think so?’
I look down at my boots. I can’t tell him about last night. But who else can I talk to? And we always said no secrets, me and Joey. If I start keeping secrets from Joey that’s bad news. That’s wrong. But I know I still do keep secrets from him, and not a day goes by when I don’t feel bad about that, but, like I said before, there are some things he’s just better off not knowing. The things I keep to myself, there are reasons why I do that. ‘Last night we… we left the club early.’
‘OK. So, what’s unusual about that? You don’t have to be there all the time, do you?’
I slowly look up, my eyes meeting his. I really don’t want to tell him, but I need to talk about this.
‘We… Jesus, how do I put this?’
I turn away, because I can’t look at him now. Joey knows my whole escort history. He knows what I did, what I used to do – he knows what my limits were. And even though Kandi and me did all that girl-on-girl stuff clients requested we never, ever brought any of those men into the mix. Oh, some of them wanted to join in, don’t get me wrong. Most were happy to just watch, but others tried their luck, and they were always – always – turned down flat. We fucked in front of them. No client was ever allowed to join us. That was never part of the act.
‘We… Neal and me… Kandi came home with us and we… Shit! We had a threesome. OK? We crossed that line.’
‘Oh, Jesus, Kira.’
His sigh is very real now. There’s nothing mock about it.
‘Look at me, Kira.’
I raise my gaze and meet his eyes.
‘What did he do to her? I’m assuming he – well, I’m assuming you two did what you do best, but, what did he do to her?’
Best to just get it out there. There’s no point sugar-coating this now. ‘He finger-fucked her. While he was having sex with me.’
My voice is quiet, because in having this conversation I’m having to bring Joey into something he doesn’t need or even want to be a part of. I’m putting images inside his head that he doesn’t need to see. But if I don’t talk to him…
‘So, he didn’t…?’
I shake my head.
‘Well, that’s something.’
‘But it’s OK for me to fuck another woman? Why is he OK with that, Joey? Because I know if he’d…’ I take a deep breath and turn my head away again. ‘I know if he’d touched her like that… if he’d fucked her, properly…’ I laugh, I can’t help it. It sounds so messed-up, when I say it out loud. My life. Messed-up. And most people still don’t even know the half of it. ‘If he’d fucked her properly…’ I push both hands through my hair again and look back at Joey. ‘While it was happening, I wanted it. I wanted every sick and twisted second of it. And if he’d tried…’
‘But he didn’t. He didn’t, angel.’
‘But if he had… I think it would have destroyed me. Not at the time. At the time it probably would have turned me on like fucking crazy, and that’s what makes me feel sick, but…’ I take another deep breath, because this is hard. And it’s confusing. ‘I feel all of that, Joey, and yet… I can’t get over the fact he still had his fingers inside her. He touched her, in such an intimate way – the way he touches me, all the time, and he did that. To her.’ I feel tears start to prick the back of my eyes and Joey pulls me in for a hug, kissing the top of my head. And I don’t want to cry, that’s wrong and pathetic and I blink back those unwanted tears as Joey holds me. Why the fuck am I crying? What the hell is wrong with me?
‘It’s just as well I followed you over here, isn’t it? Because if I leave you alone for too long…’ He kisses me again, and I cling on to him, and I’m still refusing to let those tears fall. I’m just tired. I didn’t sleep last night, and all of that’s just making me slightly more emotional than normal.
‘Have you spoken to Neal?’ Joey asks, letting me go and I step away, sitting back down on a bar stool.
‘No. Not yet.’
‘Are you going to?’
‘I don’t know.’ Because I don’t. I don’t know if I should talk to Neal about this or not. I think I’m scared to, if I’m honest.
‘Jesus, Kira. The shit you get yourself into…’
Like I said, he doesn’t know the half of it. Nobody does. ‘I love him, Joey. And I can’t lose him. I can’t. But he touched her, like that, and what if he liked it, huh? What if she felt different to me? And what if he liked different? What if he wants to go there again?’
Joey looks at me, and I can see it on his face – he’s not used to seeing me like this. This isn’t me. I’m not the vulnerable, needy type and yet, that’s exactly how I’m coming across right now, I know that. But I can’t stop myself from feeling that way, and I hate it. I hate feeling like this, but Neal Cannon has taken everything I’ve ever known and tossed it to one side, replacing it all with this powerful, crazy connection to him that just won’t let up. And I don’t want it to. I just think I need to get used to the changes he’s throwing at me.
‘Then you tell him you don’t want to go there again, kiddo. Simple as that.’
‘But there’s a part of me that does, Joey; a part of me that actually wants to go there again, even though I… even though I know it isn’t a good idea.’
‘No. It isn’t. Shit like that can kill relationships, Kira. You know that. It seems like a good idea at the time, and then afterwards… people feel like you’re feeling now. So you need to talk to him.’
He’s right. I do. I just don’t know what to say. ‘I’m not sure I like being in love.’
Joey takes my hand and squeezes it tight before lifting it to his mouth and kissing my knuckles. ‘It’s scary, isn’t it?’
I look at him, and it’s all going to come out now; everything that terrifies me, I’m going to say it out loud. ‘I feel like I’m losing control, Joey.’
‘Then pull it back, Kira.’
‘We leave the penthouse and it’s like everything changes. The world becomes this huge, unwelcome enemy that intrudes and invades on everything we really want to be.’
I can see his expression change, he’s confused, and I smile slightly.
‘I’m not making sense, am I?’
‘Not really, no.’
I look down at my hands clasped together in my lap. ‘I can’t lose him, Joey. Losing him is what terrifies me the most.’
‘I don’t think he’s going anywhere, angel.’
‘What if the sex stops, and he realises I’m not what he wants anymore?’
‘Jesus, Kira, don’t let him do this to you. Don’t.’
I honestly feel like I’m spinning out of control. My head’s a mess, I can’t think straight, and I suddenly feel breathless. My chest’s tight, and I know that’s because he isn’t here. It’s like some crazy kind of panic attack and I know I have to get out of here. I have to find him.
‘Kira?’
Joey’s voice pulls me back from whatever edge I’d been teetering on, and I look up at him.
‘Send her home, Kira. Brunette Barbie. Put her on a plane and send her back home.’
‘She’s my friend, Joey. I need her…’
‘No, you don’t need her. What’s happening with you and Neal; I can see it in your eyes, kiddo, you’re terrified. And love can be terrifying, believe me. But you and Neal, Jesus, that’s been one hell of a whirlwind there, angel. And your entire relationship – it’s been played out in a way that isn’t, in any universe, conventional, I mean, you two started at a point it takes most people at least a couple of dates to reach. So, yeah, you’re terrified of what’s happening, I get that. And when you’re this scared you turn to her, to Kandi-Ann. Don’t do it anymore, Kira. Don’t use her as your safety net, it’s dangerous.’
He thinks that’s dangerous? He has no idea…
I hear my phone signal the arrival of a text message and I pull it from my bag to see who it’s from. Three words. That’s all there is there on the screen.
My office. Now.
He’s here. He’s downstairs. And I want to run to him so fast I feel that breathlessness return with a vengeance.
‘I’ve got to go.’ I tuck my phone back into my bag and stand up. ‘Neal’s downstairs.’
‘Kira…’
I start to walk away but I don’t get very far before Joey grabs my arm and swings me back around.
‘Is there something you’re not telling me?’
I frown slightly, and wonder why he felt the need to ask that. Am I giving off some kind of vibe that’s making him think I’m hiding something? ‘No.’
‘What’s going on, Kira?’
I look at him, and I shake my head because I don’t know what else I can do. ‘I don’t know, Joey.’
I don’t know anything anymore.
I don’t know if I really do love Neal.
I want him, I need him; when he isn’t with me I just want to curl up in a corner and close my eyes until he’s back beside me.
Inside me.
He’s an obsession I can’t kick.
Because I don’t want to.
Because I can’t.
I really, really can’t…
Neal
I’ve put the meeting back. Just for half an hour. I’m too on edge after talking to Barry; too wired to think straight. I need Kira to calm me. I need her to get naked and spread those crazy-long legs of hers so I can take my relief.
The office door opens and I turn to see her standing there, beautiful and almost angelic-like in a white dress and green high heels. But I know she fucks like the baddest girl there is and that’s all I can think about right now.
She pushes the door closed and flicks the lock and all the time her eyes never leave mine. Man, the air is alive with freaking electricity that’s practically burning, it’s so hot.
‘You’re going to be late for that meeting,’ she says, that northern-English accent of hers making me harder than I already am as she walks towards me. I can’t move. I’m rooted to the spot. She’s got me under her spell; sucked in by the promise of her naked skin against mine and a warm, wet haven for my aching cock.
‘I’ve put it back. They can wait.’
She smiles, and I struggle to remember a time before Kira Bl
u entered my world.
‘You’re such a bad boy, Mr Cannon.’
She touches my face, running her fingers lightly across my jaw line and still she hasn’t broken the stare, the intensity – shit! It’s crazy-hot! And she isn’t even naked yet, but she’s gonna be.
Obsession (Forbidden #2) Page 13