‘I want to fuck you, Kira,’ she whispers as she tangles her fingers in my hair, pulling my head back as her lips brush the base of my throat. ‘Let me fuck you.’
Does it make me weak? The fact I’m letting her take the lead when it was me who instigated this? Does it make me weak that I let Neal control me to the extent that he does? But I’m breaking that control now, aren’t I? By being here, doing this; by not giving in to him over something I’m still not entirely sure he means. I don’t think he realised what he was saying. He can’t. The whole idea’s crazy.
‘Kira?’
I nod, and she takes my hand and leads me over to the chair in the corner, gently pushing me down into it and she smiles, crouching down in her killer heels in front of me.
‘Now spread those beautiful legs for me, babe.’
I keep my eyes on her as I slowly open my legs, lifting them slightly so they hook over the arms of the chair.
‘Oh, girl, you know what you’re doing,’ she groans, reaching out to run her fingers along my slit, sliding in the wetness that’s dripping from me and I close my eyes and breathe in deep as she touches me. ‘Whatever you got going on in that head of yours, Kira, Kandi-Ann’s about to take you away from it all.’
I throw my head back and bury my fingers in my hair, keeping my eyes closed as she gently caresses my labia, Jesus! She knows just where – just how to touch me. She’s giving me every reason why I turn to her when I need to escape. And then I feel her warm breath on my clit as her mouth closes in on me, her tongue searching and probing and I cry out in pure, utter pleasure because it feels so fucking good! But there’s also guilt gnawing away at me that I can’t shake. And I don’t know why; why am I feeling guilty? He said he didn’t care, what me and Kandi did – with each other; to each other. He said he didn’t care. But I want him to. I want him to care.
‘No, Kandi, stop. Please. Stop!’ She pulls away and I snap my legs shut. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought you in here.’
‘You can bring me anywhere you like, babe. You know I’m always willing.’
I stand up and grab my dress from the floor, stepping back into it. ‘I’m messing you about. And that isn’t fair.’
She comes over to me and gently strokes my cheek with the back of her hand, and her smile is warm and reassuring and I kind of need that now. ‘Sweetheart, we’ve been messing each other about for years. It’s what we do.’ She leans in to kiss me and I close my eyes and accept the comfort she’s giving me. The comfort she always gives me. ‘Any time you need me, Kira. You know that. Any time.’
I return her smile and squeeze her hand, kissing her quickly one last time. ‘I’d better go.’
She nods, and I let go of her, making my way to the door without looking back. And I’m not two steps outside the room when I bump into Joey. Literally.
‘Jesus, Joey, you gave me a bloody fright!’
‘I gave you a fright? Do you know what’s going on out there in your club?’
I can’t help but smile at his somewhat flustered look. ‘When did you become such a prude, Joey Princess?’
‘I’m no prude, angel. I just have limits. Something you appear to have done away with.’
‘Did you come down here to nag me?’
‘Not intentionally.’
‘So, what are you doing down here?’
‘Looking for you.’
‘OK. I get that much. Why?’
He places a fist under his chin and cocks his head as he looks at me through slightly narrowed eyes.
‘What?’
‘You look guilty.’
‘Do I?’
My head snaps back as the door behind me opens and Kandi saunters out, trailing a surreptitious hand across my backside as she passes me, throwing a smile and a raise of her eyebrows at Joey before she heads off down the corridor back into the club. Joey then raises his eyebrows at me and purses his lips.
‘Were you in there, with her?’
The eyebrow raising shifts to me. ‘And that’s your business because…?’
‘Because we have no secrets, Kira. Remember?’
I look down. I can’t meet his eyes, and that is the guilt showing itself. He’s right. We never used to have secrets, or that’s what I led him to believe. Because I feel like I’m starting to stack them up now.
‘Kira?’
‘I need to find Neal.’
He grabs my arm as I try to walk past, swinging me back around to face him. ‘Blue Eyes can wait.’
‘What’s the matter, Joey?’
‘You and Neal – everything’s OK, isn’t it?’
I frown, because something just doesn’t feel right here. ‘Everything’s fine.’
‘So, why were you in there, with Brunette Barbie?’
‘We were just talking.’
‘And were you doing that naked? With your legs open?’
‘Jesus, Joey…’
‘Are you and Neal OK?’
‘Yes, Joey, everything’s OK. How many times do you want me to say it?’
He looks at me. Should I just tell him? No. There’s nothing to tell. Neal asking me to marry him was just a weird blip; a knee-jerk reaction to whatever crap had gone down at Barry’s.
‘Weren’t you supposed to be at his brother’s tonight?’
‘We left early.’
‘Why?’
‘Did you come down here for a reason?’
‘I feel like I’m losing you, Kira, alright? I mean, I come halfway across the world to be closer to you, and yet, I’ve never felt so far away from what we used to be. And that scares the hell out of me, angel.’
He’s over-dramatising everything again. New York is only around a six hour flight from the UK, so he’s hardly come halfway across the world, but I kind of get what he means. There has been a distance between us that wasn’t there before. Because I needed to be – need to be with Neal.
I pull him in for a hug, and for a few seconds we just stand there, holding each other, and I try to think of a way we can fix this before it turns into something I don’t want it to become. But I can’t think of anything. I don’t want to be anywhere with anyone but Neal. Even after what happened tonight. I’ve had my few minutes away from him, that time I needed to step back and think. I’ve had that, it’s done. And now we’ll put it behind us and we’ll get back to how we were. But because of that; because of how I feel about Neal, how much of my time he takes up; how consumed by him I need to be, 24/7, Joey is being pushed into second place in my messed-up heart now. I can’t help it. And I want to hate that fact, I really do. I want to hate myself for feeling that way, but I can’t.
Keeping my hand on the back of his neck I rest my forehead against his and smile, and he kisses the tip of my nose, which makes me laugh, and for a couple of beats normality hits. But then I remember where we are, what’s happened over the past few weeks. Nothing was normal before we came here, to New York. It’s even less so now.
‘I love you, Joey Princess.’
He rubs the small of my back and kisses me quickly. ‘Right back at ya, kiddo.’
I step away from him and fold my arms, looking down at the floor, which, of course, he reads as another guilty action.
‘Is everything really OK with you and Blue Eyes?’
I slowly look up and smile. ‘Yeah. But sometimes I just need a break from all the hot and heavy stuff, you know?’
He raises an eyebrow and throws me a look. ‘And, you do that by coming down here, to your depraved sex club?’
‘This is where I feel comfortable, Joey. This is my world.’
‘And I thought she was going home? Brunette Barbie.’
‘Not yet.’
He raises the eyebrow again, but I ignore him this time. And he leaves it. I think he’s beginning to realise that pushing it isn’t getting him the results he wants. But I know he’s only looking out for me, and I love him for caring. I love him, period.
I lean over and kiss him on the cheek, takin
g his hand and squeezing it tight, throwing him a small, slightly mischievous smile. ‘Thank you. For being so brave and coming down here all on your own. I know it must have been terrifying for you.’
‘You’re such a bitch.’
‘Go on. Get back upstairs, you old drama queen.’
He looks at me, and I feel a wave of love so strong for this man wash right over me. Whatever happens, I need to keep him in my life, I need that. I can’t lose Joey. Joey saved me. Joey kept me strong when I was close to falling. And I can’t guarantee I won’t need him to do that again.
‘We are going to be OK, aren’t we, angel?’
I smile and reach out to cup his cheek. ‘Yeah. ‘Course we are. I guess we both just needed this wake-up call, huh?’
He takes my hand and brings it to his mouth, kissing it lightly. ‘Yeah. Maybe we did.’ He lets go of me and gives himself a little shake, and the Joey Princess I know and love is back. ‘Right. I’d better go and get changed. I’m on stage in half an hour and it takes longer than that to get my eyelashes on most nights. You behave, angel, you hear me?’
‘You know me, Joey.’
‘Yes. I do. That’s why I said behave.’ He starts walking away from me, shouting back over his shoulder. ‘And give Blue Eyes a big kiss from me. Alright? A really big kiss.’
I laugh as he disappears back into the club, and back up to the safety of Bam-Bams.
That whole encounter felt slightly surreal to me, another thing that’s happened tonight that seems to have come from out of nowhere, and I wonder if there’s a full moon out there or something that’s causing all these strange things to occur in the space of a few hours. But that’s just me reading too much into everything. It’s been one of those days, that’s all. And maybe all me and Neal need to do is go home and have an early night, because, I don’t think we’ve had something as simple as that since… since, ever.
I check my dress is pulled back down over my thighs properly before I make my own way back into the club, slipping behind the bar to fix myself a vodka and tonic before I set off to find Neal.
The club is busier than it’s ever been, but that’s no real surprise. Having done what I did – having been who I was in the industry I worked in for over ten years, I know that sex will always sell. People will always want it. Need it. People will always seek ways to make it more interesting, more diverse, more risky, and that’s what I want The Playroom to provide – within reason, of course. We have to be careful that those boundaries we cross – we have to make sure we don’t cross them too far. But people will always want sex; want to have it; want to watch it happen in front of their eyes.
‘Hello, kid.’
The voice in my ear makes my blood run cold, but I don’t turn around.
‘Still looking good, Kira. Still as fucking beautiful as ever, although, let’s be fair, darlin’, it hasn’t really been all that long. Has it? Since we last saw each other.’
If I turn around it makes it real, makes him real, and I don’t want that. Oh God, oh, Jesus, I really don’t want that. How the hell did he find me? How is this happening? But, at the same time, a terrifying sense of inevitability swamps me, and there’s nothing I can do now. Nothing anyone can do.
‘Took me a while to find you, I have to admit. You were pretty good at covering your tracks, but I should have guessed you’d still be up to your beautiful neck in pure filth. Just like old times, huh?’
Still I refuse to turn around.
It’s not going to happen.
The real world has no place here in my bubble of escape.
And I have no idea how that bubble was infiltrated, but he doesn’t get to burst it.
He doesn’t.
He can’t.
I can’t let him…
Eighteen
Kira
‘How did you know I was here?’ My voice can barely raise above a whisper, but he can still hear me over the sound of the music pounding out around us. I know he can. He’s too close for him not to be able to hear me. And I can smell his cologne, and it makes me feel slightly sick, but the excitement that tries to push its way through that nausea sickens me even more. ‘How did you find me?’
‘It was hard, I’ll give you that. I mean, it’s not like you left a follow-on address for all us men who once used you to satisfy those dark, dirty, filthy fantasies you allowed us to live out while you lay down, opened your beautiful legs and took us poor bastards to fucking heaven and back before you pocketed our hard-earned cash and walked out of our sad, pathetic lives, leaving us with nothing but memories to wank over in the shower. Until the next time. But now there is no next time, is there? You’ve retired, so I hear. And I need to know where that leaves me, darlin’. Do you understand?’
I close my eyes and breathe in deep, hoping that by the time I breathe out he’s gone, that that smell of cologne and stale cigarette smoke disappears and I realise this was nothing more than my tired and over-emotional state working overtime to scare me.
‘But I also hear you haven’t exactly hung up your killer heels for good, Kira.’
I swing around. I’m ready to face him now. Ready to face this. But, shit! This night really is kicking up layer after layer of crap I don’t need. None of us need this.
‘What do you want, Jon?’
He smiles, and I feel my stomach twist up. He still looks exactly how I remember him, all messed-up light-brown hair and heavy stubble, an air of arrogance surrounding him. This man, he represents a part of my life I should never have let happen. He was something – someone I should have stepped back from, because the second I allowed him inside my world I was playing with fire. And I got burned. Was I really that naïve to think that by walking away from that world, from my former life; from those days as an escort – was I naïve to think that by doing that the fire would be forever extinguished? That I would never get burned again? I should never have let him near me, not in that way; not in any way. I should never have let him get that close but we couldn’t stop it… Jesus! He was my weakness long before Neal Cannon arrived on the scene. And I’d just ignored that, tried to pretend he didn’t exist when I should have always known he’d come back. He was never going to leave me alone, but I stupidly refused to believe that. I buried my head in the sand and chose to pretend none of what happened between us – I didn’t want to remember it. Not all of it. So I found a corner of my brain I could shut down, and I put those memories in there. But he was never going to leave me alone. And those memories, they were never going to be forgotten. And pretending they could be; I think that might have made everything worse. More painful. More complicated.
‘How did you find me?’ I repeat the question, a little slower this time, as though doing that will make him give me the answer quicker, or even be truthful about what he’s telling me because – because he wasn’t always truthful. Neither of us were. This man is manipulative and clever and he knew – he knows how I felt about him. What we did was stupid and dangerous and even when it was over… no. It was never over. But even when I thought it was – tried to convince myself it was – I still let him back in. And that thought – those memories cause another wave of nausea to invade my already delicate stomach.
‘I have contacts, Kira. I know people, and you should know that, darlin’. You should know that.’
His familiar British accent – tinged with just a hint of light Liverpool twang – fills my head, his cologne still assaulting my senses and I wish I could walk away from this, but I can’t. He’s found me. And I need to know what that means now.
‘I’m not doing this, in here… you aren’t staying here. How the hell you even got inside when this is a private members’ club…’ I look at him, and I realise I’m just trying to convince myself that his being here is some kind of coincidence when I know his reasons are much darker and more dangerous than that. ‘Outside.’
He doesn’t argue, he just follows me as I head towards a door that leads out into the back alleyway from behind some of
the private rooms. And as soon as we step outside the cool night air hits my exposed skin with an ice-cold blast, and I shiver.
‘Here.’
He slips off his jacket and slides it around my shoulders, and even though my first instinct is to yank it right off of me – I don’t want anything of his touching me, it’s too unsettling – I leave it there. The small shred of warmth it affords me is nice. ‘Thank you.’
The words stick in my throat because I can’t believe I’m actually talking to him. I can’t believe he found me. He was my – I want to say biggest mistake, but he was never that. He was never a mistake. He was my heartbreaking weakness; the biggest secret I continue to keep, even from Joey. But he was never a mistake. And if I’m being honest with myself, I know he was always going to happen. Again. This was always going to happen. Again.
Obsession (Forbidden #2) Page 18