“I don’t care how hungry I am, I’m not eating FISH!”
***
Eventually the fog lifted, pulling back from the ship like a shroud.
“Fabulous,” said Thorfinn. “Though we still have no idea where we are.”
Their problem soon solved itself when the lookout called, “Land ahoy!” He pointed out hills on the horizon.
“Land! HUZZAH!” The crew started celebrating.
They neared the shore and sailed slowly along, looking for a sheltered bay.
“Look, there’s a good spot!” cried Torsten, and they beached the longship in the surf.
The crew jumped into the water, except for Oswald, who demanded to be carried. Unfortunately Harek tripped while carrying the old man through the waves.
“Arrgh! I’m all wet now, you great oaf!” Oswald sounded like an attacking seagull. He hit Harek with his cane until he got back up. “I’ve got chilblains, you know. This isn’t helping!”
“OW! Gerroff! You ungrateful old goat!” Harek dumped the old man on the sand.
“Where are we?” asked Thorfinn as they lined up on the beach, staring at the rocky, tree-covered hillside.
“Maybe it’s the New World,” said Velda.
“Maybe we all died and went to hell,” said Grimm.
“Maybe we should go hunting and cook dinner,” said Grut.
“Maybe they’ll have new types of insects to eat,” said Gertrude. “YUM!”
“Now, let’s see,” said Oswald, dusting himself down. “If we’ve reached the New World then as far as I know the natives will be wearing head-dresses and speaking a language none of us will understand.”
Just then, a spear landed with a WHACK! at Thorfinn’s feet.
“Oh dear.”
CHAPTER 10
Dozens of armed warriors appeared from behind rocks and trees, aiming their weapons right at Thorfinn and his crew.
“Well, they’re not wearing head-dresses,” said Velda. In fact, they were wearing tartan.
“Kilts – well that’s odd!” said Oswald.
One of the men stepped forward, large and hairy and snarling. “FREEZE! YA BUNCH O’ EEJITS!”
“Hmm, I’m not sure I understand the language,” said Thorfinn. He stepped forward and raised his palms towards the men. “My dear inhabitants of the New World, we come in peace!”
Then Thorfinn started behaving very strangely. He began miming, acting out their voyage. He went from hauling anchor, to gazing from the prow of the ship, to getting caught in the storm.
“What by Odin’s beard are you doing?” cried Olaf. “Vikings don’t play charades.”
“They’re bound to understand sign language, old friend.”
The warriors’ snarly leader waved his sword at him. “Whit’s that daft gowk up tae?”
“Just a minute,” said Velda. “I’ve heard that language before. It sounds like Scottish.”
“Do they talk Scottish in the New World?” asked Harek.
“I wonder if they have any haggis on them. I’m starving!” said Grut.
“Ask them if they have any wee beasties for my cooking pot,” said Gertrude.
“Why bother? Look at those swords. We’re all going to die!” moaned Grimm.
“Don’t be ridiculous!” said Olaf. “Don’t you get it? We haven’t landed in the New World at all. We’ve landed in Scotland.”
“AHHHH!” they all said at once.
“That does explain things, I suppose.” Thorfinn turned to the snarly man. “Please don’t shoot!”
The man raised his hand and his men lowered their weapons.
“It’s alright, they’re just Vikings,” he said.
Olaf fumed. “What do you mean, JUST Vikings? You should be terrified.”
“Aye, maybe. But you’re no’ whit we’re most scared of, and you’re no’ the reason why we’re here,” replied the man. “We saw your boat’s dragon head, that’s all. We thought for a minute you were another sea monster come tae attack us.”
“Wait – what do you mean, ANOTHER sea monster?” asked Velda.
“Aye, another.” The man looked scared. “My name is Dougal, and we are the MacDonalds of Morar. You’d better come wi’ us.” He led them off the beach, up the cliff and through the trees until they came to a small fishing village. One side of the village faced the sea and the other faced a beautiful loch fringed by mountains. “This is where we live. We can fish in salt water and in fresh water.”
“How ingenious!” said Oswald.
“Scenery! How tiresome,” said Grimm.
“How about that haggis?” asked Grut, his stomach rumbling loudly.
“Can someone remind me where my boat is parked?” said Torsten.
“AAAARGH!” cried Harek as he tripped and fell down a well.
“Midgies!” yelped Gertrude, jumping up and down with glee. “Oh, we’ll haves us midgie pie tonight.”
Dougal led them into the village hall, where the clan had gathered for a meeting. All eyes fearfully turned to the newcomers.
Dougal slumped down on the chieftain’s chair. His snarl disappeared. “Ye’ve come at a bad time. There’s a ferocious dragon in the loch. It keeps attacking our fishing boats.”
“What a strange fix,” said Thorfinn.
“We’d give anything to be rid us o’ this creature.” said Dougal.
“Ha!” laughed Olaf. “I don’t know what it has to do with us.”
“We’re looking for fish,” said Thorfinn.
“We have loads,” said Dougal. “We’ve got some of the best and most interesting seafood in the whole celtic world.”
“How fascinating!” said Thorfinn.
“We’ll give you all you can carry if ye’ll help us.”
“What a kind offer,” said Thorfinn. He looked round at his crew’s faces. “Well, what do you say?”
They looked like they’d just been asked to jump off a tall cliff.
Except for Velda, who rolled up her sleeves. “We’re Vikings. We eat sea monsters for breakfast!”
CHAPTER 11
Dawn the next morning found the entire crew crammed into a tiny fishing boat in the middle of the loch. They stared out in fear at the misty water. Harek wielded a giant fishing rod with a large chunk of fish as bait.
“I can think of better ways to spend a morning,” said Olaf, squashed in beside Grimm. “For example, NOT trying to attract the attention of a massive sea monster.”
“But if we succeed,” said Thorfinn, “think of all the fish we’ll take home with us.”
The water was still, without even a ripple, for hours and hours. Then there was a false alarm when the boat shook violently from side to side.
“WHAT!? What’s that?” cried Grut.
“Relax, it’s just Oswald scratching his bottom,” said Velda.
“I can’t help it!” cried Oswald. “I’ve been wearing the same underpants for a week!”
Another hour passed. The sun rose higher and it became quite hot. “There isn’t really a monster,” yawned Torsten. “Sea monsters are a myth.”
“Maybe it’s all a trick and they’ve left us out here to die,” said Grimm.
“Maybe they were just imagining things…” Oswald was saying, when suddenly from behind there came a colossal…
WHOOOOSH!
Showers of water poured over them. A giant shadow blotted out the sun. Out of the water rose a solid wall of slimy green scales. They looked up…
…and up…
…and up!
A long slender neck ended in a reptilian head, and a pair of yellow snake eyes glared down at them.
Harek’s hand was left holding thin air, as the fishing rod was now sticking out of the creature’s mouth. The monster crunched on it then spat it out.
Harek slowly rose and drew his sword. “Nobody move. Leave this to me-EEEE!” He slipped and tumbled loudly into the water.
SPLOSH!
“We’re definitely doomed now,” moaned Grimm.
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Grut’s stomach grumbled. “Imagine eating that thing!”
Gertrude whipped out her cooking pot and started bashing it with her spoon. “Hee hee hee!” she cackled. “Into my pot wee beastie!”
Olaf’s face was white. “Right, stuff you lot, I’m off!” He dived into the water and swam for the shore.
Velda leaned back and let loose an enormous kick in midair. “HI-YAA monster! Don’t mess with me!”
Oswald stroked his beard with one hand and scratched his bum with the other. “Fascinating!”
All eyes turned to Thorfinn, who rose to his feet then did something very strange. Something no human had ever done to this creature before.
He smiled.
“Good day to you, my dear friend. What a beautiful afternoon!”
***
Some time later, one of the village boys burst into the hall, where Dougal was holding a meeting. “Chief, ye’ve got tae come an’ see this!”
Dougal and his men scrambled for their weapons and rushed outside to find the strangest sight they had ever set eyes on.
The giant sea monster that had been terrorising their village for so long was propped up on the lochside basking in the sun, surrounded by Thorfinn, his crew, and the rest of the villagers. Instead of attacking it with spears and swords, the villagers were stroking it. Children were climbing on its back. Thorfinn was feeding the creature fish from his hand, and his pet pigeon Percy was perched on its head.
“Come closer everyone,” Thorfinn was saying. “Don’t be scared. She loves children.”
Dougal pushed his way through the crowd. “Whit’s going on?”
“Her name is Morag,” said Thorfinn. “She’s been attacking your boats because she’s hungry. You’ve been taking too many fish from the loch, leaving her with nothing to eat. But it’s OK, we’ve reached an agreement. You just need to share, and you’ll be the best of friends.”
CHAPTER 12
Thorfinn and his crew set off once again, their longship packed full of fish, caught from the sea, not from Morag’s loch, and packed in salt for the journey.
“Fareweel and thanks for everything!” cried Dougal from the beach as the ship sailed away.
Velda turned to Thorfinn. “Mission accomplished! Now we just have to get back home in time for the feast.”
“By my calculations we have just four days,” said Oswald.
“No problem,” Thorfinn replied. He turned to Torsten. “My dear Mr Ship-Sinker, would you please head north.” Torsten looked confused. “Or rather, up the way.”
Torsten smiled. “That’s what I like about you, Thorfinn: you talk my language.”
***
After exactly four days of rolling seas they finally spotted the Norwegian coast.
“Ahoy! There’s home,” cried Velda, the lookout, pointing at the mountainous entrance to their own fjord.
“HUZZAH!” cried the crew. “THREE CHEERS FOR THORFINN!” If Oswald was right, they should make it just in time for the King’s arrival.
Everyone was celebrating, except for Grimm. “Not here again!” he grumbled.
And Olaf. “I can’t believe it! How did I manage to survive a voyage with this mob!”
Most of the village turned out to greet them at the pier. Thorfinn’s father, Harald, swung his son into the air. “Well done, my boy! You’re just in time. The King and his party are on their way.”
“In that case, dear friends,” said Thorfinn, turning to his crew, “would you please unload the fish and take them up to the kitchens?”
Just then, a horn sounded. All eyes turned to the King’s procession, which was snaking around the edge of the fjord towards them. The villagers lined the streets, and Thorfinn and Velda had to climb a wall to get a decent view.
The procession was led by knights, and squires carrying banners. A troop of ferocious Viking warriors followed – the King’s personal bodyguards. Then came the rich nobles, and finally the King and Queen, bedecked in jewels, wearing gold and crimson robes.
Everyone bowed. Harald spotted Magnus the Bone-Breaker, the chief of the next village, who had followed the procession. He had an especially smug grin on his face as he waved at them.
Harald turned to Thorfinn. “I’ll welcome the King and Queen. You’d better get cooking.”
Thorfinn and Velda ran to the kitchens, but found Olaf’s father, Erik the Ear-Masher, waiting outside.
“We asked around for volunteers to help you with the feast,” he said.
“Oh, goodie!” said Thorfinn.
“Here they are.” He swung open the door to reveal Thorfinn’s crew. All of them. They were dressed in white aprons and wearing chef’s hats. Even Olaf was there, shaking his head. “Great Thor, why did I agree to this?”
CHAPTER 13
The kitchen was filled with hustle and bustle. Thorfinn showed the others how to clean and cut the fish but he did most of the cooking himself.
“Can I not puts ANY insects in?” howled Gertrude.
“I’m afraid we can’t, old friend,” said Thorfinn.
“Awwww!” She made a sign with her forefinger and thumb. “Just a LEETLE bit?”
“Oh, can’t we eat some? I’m starving!” said Grut, licking his lips.
“NO!” said Velda. “It’s for the King and Queen.”
Grimm spent most of the time gazing into the glassy eyes of a giant haddock. “Oh, this poor fish!”
As for Torsten, he went outside to find more wood for the fire, but he never came back…
Harek grabbed a meat cleaver and grinned. “What can I do to help?”
Everyone eyed him fearfully.
“Er, tell you what,” said Velda, carefully prising the cleaver out of his hands. “Why don’t you go and look for Torsten?”
“Right you are!” he replied, and left. The others sighed with relief.
At one point Magnus the Bone-Breaker wandered into the kitchen. He was being nosy and looking over everyone’s shoulders.
“What do you want?” asked Velda.
“Oh, charming!” he replied. “I only came in to congratulate you on the success of your voyage.”
Velda waved a cod threateningly in his direction. “Well, buzz off! We’re busy.”
“OK, OK!” Magnus shrank back, but he lingered for a while, gawping at all the fish and prodding them in disgust.
***
After hours of hard work, the large table in the middle of the kitchen was stacked with huge platters of food. Dozens of different types of fish had been cooked in dozens of different ways.
Velda wiped the back of her hand across her brow. “Phew!”
Harald burst in from the door that led to the great hall, accompanied by the raucous sound of laughter. The King and his party were ready for their feast.
“Well?” said Harald.
“Yes, Father, it’s all ready,” said Thorfinn.
“Good!” A line of stewards filed in. Harald nodded at them. They picked up the platters one by one and hoisted them onto their shoulders. “Here we go!”
Harald and Thorfinn led the stewards into the great hall where the King and Queen were sitting on thrones behind a long table, bedecked in robes and jewels. Knights and attendants stood to attention at their sides.
Harald bowed before them. He looked about as comfortable as a caveman at a posh tea party. “Your Majesties, I hope you enjoy our humble feast.”
The King arose and looked down his nose at Thorfinn. “This… boy… is your head chef?”
“Yes, Sire,” replied Harald. “He’s the best chef in our village. I’m sure you’ll find the food to your liking.”
Magnus the Bone-Breaker, who was standing at the King’s side, guffawed. “A boy indeed!”
The Queen arose from her seat, smiling and looking radiant. She touched her husband’s arm. “My dear, I think it will be wonderful. Tell me, is that seafood? I absolutely LOVE seafood.”
Thorfinn grinned. “Why, yes, your Majesty, it is.”
Th
e King gave a slight groan. “Ugh, seafood, must we? It’s not a very Viking thing to eat, is it?”
“It certainly is not,” chipped in Magnus. “This village is rubbish!”
Thorfinn gestured at the giant platters being laid before the royal couple. “I assure you, this is the best seafood in the world, and it’s all responsibly sourced. No sea monsters were harmed. Perhaps you might like to try the devilled whitebait, the sozzled lampreys, the jellied eels…”
The King yawned. “Oh, very well.”
The Queen clapped her hands together. “How exciting. So many lovely fish to try. Why don’t you go first, dear?”
The King nodded and picked up a slice of smoked salmon. He eyed it warily. All the other Vikings in the room screwed up their faces in disgust.
“The things I do for my wife.” He was about to pop the salmon into his mouth when the sound of groaning filled the hall.
CHAPTER 14
“Ohhhh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!”
“What’s that?” said Harald.
The King paused. The groaning was coming from behind one of the tables. Erik pulled the table away to find Grut writhing around on the floor holding his stomach.
“What’s wrong with you?” demanded Erik.
“Ow! Sorry, I pinched some food,” he said. “Ow! Ow! Ow! I think it’s the salmon.”
Velda leapt forward onto the table, swinging from the rafters. She landed on her feet in front of the King. “STOP THE FEAST! Something is wrong with the food,” she shouted.
“Hmm, I’m afraid she may be right,” said Thorfinn.
“WHAT?!” Harald flung his hands to his head. “How could this happen?”
Erik’s face crumpled. “What a disaster!”
Oswald knelt down to examine Grut. After a moment he rose to his feet. “I’m afraid it’s poison. Someone has poisoned the food.” He sounded like an aardvark with a blocked nose.
Thorfinn and the Disgusting Feast Page 3