My body stills as I wait for his reply.
“I think only Bailey here can tell us what happened,” Tracker says, looking out the window. “But I’ll tell you one thing, when he called me to meet him here so he could leave, I’ve never seen him look so . . . shattered.”
I look down at my hands.
“Rake generally keeps his emotions in check—you don’t really know what he’s thinking until he says it,” he continues. “I’ve never seen him like that before. His emotions were written across his face for the world to see. He’d hate that. I know he would.”
“We had an argument,” I say as explanation. “Some things from the past came up. Some things he didn’t know before.”
“He cares for you,” Tracker states. “I’ve never seen him care about a woman besides Anna and the old ladies in the clubhouse. Other women, he enjoys them, fucks them, then bails. No commitment whatsoever. Nothing permanent. One woman is as good as the next.”
Pain slices through me hearing him being described like that.
“I’m telling you this only because I want him to be happy,” he says quietly, but I don’t miss the steel underlying his tone. The threat. “He’s a good man. Always has everyone’s backs. Good heart. He deserves to be happy. And if for whatever reason you don’t have it in you to give happiness to him, I think you need to sort that out now, Bailey.”
“You don’t know everything though, Tracker,” Tia inserts, standing up for me. “I know you have your brother’s back, but I have Bailey’s. She’d never intentionally hurt someone. And I know for a fact that Rake is the love of her life. I just think there’s so much we don’t know, which is why I’m staying out of it and letting her sort it out with him.” She looks to me. “But at the same time I’m here if you want to talk about it, whenever you need me.”
“I know, Tia.” I can feel my smile hit my eyes. “And I’m so thankful to have you in my life.”
“Awww, come here, you cutie,” she says, wrapping me in a hug. When she pulls away her eyes are shining with moisture. “If Rake gets you, he’s the luckiest man in the world. And don’t worry about him being a man-whore, that just means you’re going to benefit from his experience when you pin him down.”
Tracker guffaws at that.
“I don’t know what’s going on,” I admit. “There’s so much history, some of it good, some of it . . . really bad.” I glance up at Tracker. “I wouldn’t hurt him, Tracker, but some of the stuff he had to hear did. But I can’t protect him from the truth anymore.”
He nods twice. “I like you, Bailey. And I know Lana loves you.”
“I like you too, Tracker,” I reply. “I’m glad Rake chose you to come here. Thank you for making me feel better.”
“I’ve been told I’m like medicine.” He grins, lightening the mood. “If someone’s sad, just send me in. Instantly cured. My sheer presence makes them happy as fuck.”
This time it’s me who throws a pillow at him.
EIGHTEEN
A FEW more days pass before Rake walks through my front door again. Thinking it would be Tracker, I open the door without pause, smiling and saying “Good morning.”
“Hey,” I say when I see him, quieter and more subdued than my welcome. “How are you?”
He walks inside and looks around, then turns to face me. “Check who it is before you open the door, Bailey.”
I nod as he sits down on the couch, then lifts his hand to me. Hesitantly placing my smaller hand in his, he pulls me down to him. When I’m settled sideways on his lap, he buries his face in my neck and holds me, a desperate, almost hopeless air about him.
“Where were you?” I ask him, stroking my fingers through his soft, short hair.
“I needed to clear my head,” he rasps, the stubble from his cheeks rough against my neck. “Come to terms with everything.” He takes a deep breath and exhales before continuing. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Bailey, for what happened that night, and for everything afterward.” His voice cracks on the last two words.
“Fuck, Bailey. I don’t know what to do, or what to say. There’s nothing that could make this right. How can you even fuckin’ look at me? How am I supposed to look into your daughter’s face now and know what I did to you, her mother?”
“It’s not you who did it to me,” I say gently. I wanted him to know, but I didn’t want to see him like this. This isn’t what I wanted. I just wanted him to know the truth so he wouldn’t hate me anymore, not for him to become as broken as me. I wanted to set the pain free for both of us, not to lay it all on his shoulders.
“You didn’t know, Adam. You didn’t fucking know. It was a messed-up situation, but it’s over now. We need to stop looking back, unless it’s to remember the good times.”
He mutters a curse word and lifts his head. The pain in his green gaze makes my chest hurt and my heart feel like it’s been constricted. In my entire life, I’ve never seen him like this before. I don’t know what to do, but I’m wishing I hadn’t told him.
Why did I tell him?
He could have gone on hating me. I’d take that over this.
I’d take anything over this.
“How did I walk away that night?” he utters, shaking his head to himself. “How the fuck did this happen to us, Bailey? How? You were my fuckin’ everything, and it wasn’t supposed to be like this. I might not have fuckin’ known, but it’s all on me. I jumped to fucked-up conclusions. I never spoke to you after that, to give you the chance to tell me what happened. How the fuck am I meant to live with myself now?”
I once thought I’d never ever forgive him for what happened that night, but the truth is, I already have. It will always hurt, the pain will always be there, but it wasn’t intentional. Yeah, he slept with Christa straight after, which practically killed me, but he thought I’d cheated on him and reacted to that. It was a dick move, but he was young and hurt, and I guess he wanted to hurt me right back, even though he didn’t know I was already broken at that point. We both made mistakes, and it’s time to move on.
“I shouldn’t have told you,” I whimper. “I just . . . you kept . . .”
“Shhhh,” he soothes, running his calloused fingers down my shoulder. “You should have told me a long time ago, Bailey. Things could have been different. I would have tried to fix everything, instead of you handling everything by yourself. You’re so fuckin’ strong—you know that? I should have listened to you.” His breath hitches. “I should have fuckin’ listened to you.”
I don’t feel very strong, but I stay quiet, feeling safe in his warm embrace.
In the silence, it’s as if I can almost feel what he is thinking.
There is no happy ending for us.
Too much has happened, too much time has passed.
“I want to talk to you about everything, but I’m too raw right now. Do you mind if we leave it for a bit?” he asks in a husky tone. “I just . . . Yeah, I don’t really know what to do, Bailey. I mean, yeah, that fucker is going to pay, but . . . I don’t know how to make this right.”
“Where were you these last few days?” I ask again, taking the opportunity to touch him as much as I can while I have the chance.
“Clubhouse,” he says, but something in his tone makes me think that he’s lying. He lifts me off his lap and sets me down on the couch.
“I’m going to take care of everything,” he says, both his voice and his eyes lifeless.
“Rake,” I whisper brokenly.
I’ll never forget the pain etched across his face.
But also, the resolution.
He has a plan.
And, suddenly, a bad feeling settles in my gut.
“Don’t do anything,” I plead with him. “Please. Just leave it be now. The truth is out there, now we can move on with our lives.”
He kisses my forehead, then stands up, facing me. “You’re going to find someone worthy of you, Bailey.”
With that, he leaves.
This was what I wanted, wasn’t
it?
Then why do I feel emptier than before?
* * *
“Why are the two of you dressed all in black?” I ask as I walk into Knox’s Tavern, taking in Anna’s and Lana’s black long-sleeve tops and black pants. Both of them are wearing big sunglasses, covering half their faces. “Is this meant to be your camouflage outfits?”
They both maintain straight faces.
I sit down and try not to laugh, but I can’t help it. “If you’re trying to go unnoticed, why did you choose this place? It’s one of the two places everyone will think to look for you.”
They both remove their glasses at the same time. “We just didn’t want Rake to find us.”
I blink. “Did you two just plan that sunglasses move?”
Lana looks a little sheepish, flashing me a lopsided smile, but Anna just grins. “How awesome was it?”
“Not very,” I admit, laughing. “You two are so damn cute though. Maybe you should buy black catsuits for next time. So what’s all this about?”
I’d received a text from Anna to report to the tavern, and to not tell anyone where I was going.
“That’s actually a great idea. And you’re here because we overheard the men talking,” Anna says in a lowered tone. “They caught the guy who threatened you. He’s a part of the Kings of Hell.”
I sit up straighter. “What happened?”
“He thought you were Rake’s old lady, after how he protected you the night of the fight,” Lana whispers, glancing around the bar. “He’s still a little butt-hurt over Rake sleeping with his woman.”
“So he decided to stalk me, break into my car, wait for me to get in, and threaten me with a knife?” I ask incredulously, eyes widening. “What the fuck!”
“Lower your voice,” Anna scolds me, leaning closer over the table. “They’re bikers. Obviously the guy is a fucking lunatic. Anyway, we overheard Rake telling Tracker what happened. They weren’t going to tell any of us anything about it, but we thought you needed to know.” She pauses. “But you’re going to have to pretend you don’t know, or we’re going to get our asses kicked.”
“What did he do to the guy?” I ask, scrubbing my hands down my face. “Rake isn’t going to go to jail or something, is he? I don’t know how these things work!”
“He beat the shit out of him,” Anna says, wrinkling her nose. “His hands were all busted up. They didn’t mention whether the dude was alive or dead, but I’m assuming alive.”
“Do you realize how casually you just said that?” I whisper, blinking furiously. I raise my voice. “You’re all fucking . . .”
“Badass?” Lana supplies, shrugging her shoulders.
I lay my head on the table and groan, until I realize something else. “What else did you guys hear? I have no idea what’s going on in Rake’s mind right now, and I’d love to know. Is he sleeping with anyone?”
They both suddenly look extremely uncomfortable.
“Who?” I growl, my lips tightening to a thin line.
Anna shifts on her seat. “I love you to death, Bailey, but Rake is my brother, and I really don’t want to be in the middle of this one. I think you need to ask him yourself.”
“There’s no way to do that without sounding like a psycho. Hey, boyfriend from high school who I’m only friends with now, who the hell are you fucking and why do I want to claw her eyes out?”
“I call total bullshit on the friends thing,” Lana says, pushing her hair off her face. “There’s wild sexual tension every time you two are around each other. In fact, I based one of my new sex scenes on it.”
“Agreed,” Anna chimes in. “Everyone can see it. You’re both meant to be together, and it’s just stupid that you both keep torturing each other like this.”
I sigh heavily. “I need a drink.”
“You need to have a proper talk with my brother,” Anna says.
“He’s not ready,” I say, and realize that I truly believe that. “He’s still hurting, and he’s not ready to even consider a future with me. He won’t see what’s right in front of him: that I’m his. No matter what. He’ll never find someone who’s more right for him than I am.”
Anna and Lana don’t know everything that happened back then, and to be honest, I don’t want to talk to them about it, which means they don’t understand just how complicated the situation is. All lines between Rake and me are blurred. Our past is messed-up, and our emotions are all over the place, yet there’s still something there, no matter how much we’ve both tried to deny it. Something, connecting us together. We can fight for it, to make it work, to strengthen the connection, or we can let it go and try to find it in someone else.
I want to fight, but I want him to fight too. There’s something we share that’s worth it—what we could have been if fate didn’t get in the way. The happily ever after that was stolen from us. It’s not going to be easy, but I think that in the end, we could get something back that we lost. Each other. The love we had. Maybe it’s a lost cause, but there’s a fine line between love and hate. After seeing him, seeing the sadness in his eyes, it’s like the coin flipped. I don’t want to hurt him. I want to heal him.
“Don’t let him know there’s going to be a future,” Lana says, grinning wolfishly.
“What do you mean?” I ask, resting my chin on my palms, giving her all my attention.
“Sometimes men don’t know what’s best for them,” she starts. “Why don’t you just tell him you want him? Be honest. He’ll get hooked, lines will get crossed, and before you know it, you’re on the back of his bike and the only one in his bed.”
My eyebrows rise. “That’s terrible advice. You’ve been writing one too many romance novels.”
Anna nods her head. “I think you should just be honest. Tell him how you feel.”
“If he doesn’t feel the same, it’s going to hurt,” I say quietly, looking down at my hands. “We might not get the happy ending. And I don’t want to play games with him. I just wish he could see what we could be.”
“Sometimes you have to play games to win. Nothing worth it comes easily, Bailey,” Lana says gently. “Just ask yourself this: Is he worth the gamble? Is he worth the chance of a broken heart? He either is or he isn’t. You’re either going to fight or you’re going to give up on the two of you ever being back together.”
“Will you always be wondering ‘what if’ if you don’t try?” Anna adds, green eyes sparkling. “You could end up having everything you were meant to have, Bailey. The love of a man who was meant for you.”
Lana looks at Anna. “Fuck. That line is going in a book.”
“Copyright,” Anna replies swiftly, grinning at her best friend. “You use it, I’ll get Faye to sue you.”
Lana rolls her eyes, then turns back to me. “What do you say? You going to officially join our crazy bunch?”
Am I going to put myself out there like this? Make the first move? Convince him we’re worth fighting for?
Fuck.
I am.
Fuck the past, it has no place here in the present. I don’t need the typical happy ending. I just need Rake.
I swallow. “Where is he right now?”
NINETEEN
WE find him at Rift.
The place is closed, only employees walking around the club, except for Rake, who is sitting at the bar alone, pouring his own drinks.
She puts her hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “Eye on the prize.”
I stare at Rake’s muscular back. “Right.”
Anna grimaces, then shakes her head and smiles. “Fucking awkward when the prize is my brother’s penis.”
“Anna,” I growl.
Neither of them leave.
I sigh. “I’m calling in my favor from winning the drink competition. Please leave and don’t be nosy about anything that happens here tonight.”
“Fine. I’m going,” she says, putting her hands up. “Good luck.”
I watch her leave and then sit down on the stool next to Rake.
“No bartenders on duty?” I ask, staring at the bottle of Scotch. “Can I have some?”
I need it.
Desperately.
He turns to look at me with furrowed brows. “What are you doing here, Bailey?”
Feeling a little nervous, I take his glass and swallow a gulp. It tastes horrible and burns my throat, but I manage to swallow it.
I start to take another one until he gently takes the glass out of my hand. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
I notice his hands then.
Raw knuckles, swollen and looking extremely painful. He sees where I’m staring, then hides his hands under the bar.
“Bailey,” he continues. “If you don’t tell me what’s wrong, how am I supposed to fix it?”
I look into his beautiful eyes.
“Everything is okay. I just wanted to talk to you. We haven’t really spoken much since that day,” I shrug, licking my lips.
I want you.
Let go of the past.
Be mine again.
“Do you ever regret the past?” he asks, not looking at me. “Do you regret dating me at all in high school?”
“No,” I say instantly, the truth pouring from my lips. “I don’t regret anything, not even the bad things, and especially not you.”
“How can you not regret the bad things?” he asks, now scanning my face.
I exhale, thinking of the best way to explain this. “I guess if something changed, I wouldn’t have Cara, would I? And she’s everything to me, so I can’t have any regrets, because my life led me to having an amazing daughter.”
Rake nods, his eyes going soft. “She’s amazing because she has an amazing mother.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, then clear my throat. I gather my courage, and say something the younger me would have said. “So here’s the thing. I want you, Adam.”
“Bailey—”
“I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life,” I continue as if he hadn’t spoken. “I don’t care about what happened between us; I’ve let everything go, and so should you. And I’m not asking for much, just the chance to be with you again.”
Rake's Redemption (Wind Dragons Motorcycle Club) Page 13