Oh great so now he’s going out of his way to ridicule me? I continue...
In fact, I’ve read it a few times and it’s really brightened my days whilst I’m currently working alone over the holiday period. I drew the short stick this year! Anyway, you’re probably abroad sunning yourself with your friends or boyfriend. If you’re interested, please get in touch by phoning the office number and I’ll let you have my personal one—in case you decide you need some guidance on your advertising campaigns??
Hope you have a lovely Christmas.
Regards, Mark
“Shit, shit, shit,” he’s actually interested. He’s finally given in to my flirtatious advances. Jeez, it’s only taken you friggin ages dude!
I’d been flirting with him for a while since we starting speaking but my hints and silly jokes just never seemed to dawn on him! So much so that eventually, although tempted to actually blurt out “I’d really like to meet and shag the hell out of you”, I ran out of things to say and simply gave up. In fact, at one point I started to think that perhaps he had no interest in women; either that or he managed to find a photo of me on the Net and rather devastatingly decided I was urrrgly. He truly was oblivious to what I was doing. Bless his sweet innocent heart. Oddly, his innocence just made me want him even more and a rather endearing challenge commenced.
Oh God I want to call him but my mind clouds over with doubt. I’m eager but hesitant. What’s changed I wonder? I mean yes, he has a voice I want to listen to all day but honestly, let’s be realistic—he could be short and balding for all I know. I’m five foot nine...and a half!
Oh fuck it, let’s do this.
I execute a bit of a pre-call search on the Net. I best see what he looks like first before I get stuck with him. There’s a few with the same name but something draws me to a photo that comes up on a mutual networking site. I double click for a larger image. I want that to be him. He’s cute. Not the typical type I’d go for, but he’s got beautiful silvery eyes and a dazzling smile that could melt me into a watery pulp. He looks tall but photos can be rather deceiving as we know. He’s wearing a black leather jacket over a white t-shirt. The amusing part is there’s a word written across the front but because the jacket’s hanging over each side, it’s only partly revealed as: ‘tard’. I giggle. Fuck it, the only way to know is to ask.
I pick up my mobile and call his office. After a shy hello and a few stumbled words, I thank him for his sweet gesture to continue helping me. It turns out he’s not even allowed to do that and could get into serious trouble for it. Woops! But apparently, so he says, something made him want to do this for me. Well, if anything, it’s good to feel special enough that someone would actually risk their job to help me out. But why?!
I casually query what networking sites he’s on. He mentions two, one of which is the one I’ve found the picture on. It’s still open in front of me. I’m trying to fit the voice to the face but I’m still unsure. I take a deep breath and swallow the nervous build-up of saliva.
“Do you by any chance have a photo on there with a black jacket and t-shirt, holding up a drink and smiling cheesily?” I tease hastily, as I instantly regret each word I spit out. Please be him, please be him, please be him.
“Er, yes, I do actually. It’s at a bar in my hometown,” he says in a questioning and almost concerned voice.
Oh fuck he must just think I’m some nut-job stalker now. Well done you Gemma!
Then I hear a laugh.
“Are you by any chance the one in the same person photographed on your website at all or is that a model?” he enquires.
I crack up. Not only were we doing similar things in checking each other out, but he considers me model material. I fail hopelessly at abstaining to laugh and I snort. Oh for fuck sake.
“Sorry. Dear God no, that’s just me,” I correct him.
“Good to have clarification. A colleague of mine and I were trying to work it out.” I hear a cocky smile in his pitch. Shit, he’s been looking at me with his work mates? How embarrassing. I quickly access my website to remind myself which picture I have up. Okay, not too hideous. It could be better but I guess it’s not scared him off so I’ll see where this leads.
“Oh, well good to know you’re checking me out with your work friends,” I say regretfully again. Bloody hell, what is wrong with my mouth and my brain? They’re clearly not working conjunctively with me on this.
Thankfully, he changes the subject.
“So how’s the business going then?”
“Mmm, a bit quiet at the moment what with being the holiday season and all. How did having the office to yourself go?”
“It was deader than dead. Very boring indeed. I did finally get a turn to enjoy all of three days off before Christmas though.”
“So what did you do over your exceedingly extended break?” I ask derisively.
“Not a hell of a lot actually. I went to stay with friends for a couple days and spent Christmas day with my family.”
“Well that sounds lovely. I spent it alone this year,” I say feeling sorry for myself.
“Really? That doesn’t sound very pleasant. Did you not spend it with your boyfriend?” Ah, so the fishing begins.
“Nope, no boyfriend, no husband. No girlfriend either. I split up with someone in the last month actually. It was a very new, no-strings-attached fling really and really just wasn’t going anywhere so there wasn’t much point in carrying on.”
“Me too, I recently slit up with a girl I was seeing for about three months or so. That too wasn’t going anywhere. I agree. There’s no point in continuing if it doesn’t feel right. It’s not fair on either party. Just a time waster really.”
Ohhh so that’s why he didn’t respond to my flirty emails. Oh my god, he’s actually a decent guy. He’s clearly anything but the cheating kind. Fuck me, that itself is hard to find. I want him even more now.
Half hour of chit chat about this, that and everything else goes by and he asks if I want to exchange numbers. Ecstatic, I agree and we do a swap.
Mark and I have spoken and emailed each day since – whilst at work, on the trains, on the way to the gym, whilst cooking, doing a food shop, in the shower and even on the toilet. My phone does not leave my side.
Our daily routines comprise going to work and getting one another through each monotonously drawn-out day, then making our way to our respective gyms, working out for half an hour, hurriedly heading home, putting on some dinner – generally, something quick and which doesn’t require our undivided attention or focus, showering and quickly meeting back on our messenger boards as we gobble up a bite to eat, generally of burnt grub.
Conversations have gone on from the dark early evenings into the cold gloomy early mornings. I’m absolutely shattered but on the other hand, I’m awakened with the insane serotonin levels streaming through my veins.
Nowadays my journeys to and from work consist of out-of-tune-top-of-my-lungs singing and head-bopping in the car. Drivers pulling up next to me generally laugh and I’m positive they think I’m loony. God, even I consider myself a little fruit-loopdeeloopy, but it’s a good kinda crazy ‘cause I’m having the time of my life. I’m happy-and-in-love crazy.
We speak about anything and everything. No boundaries, no lies, no bullshit. In a somewhat brief and whirlwind space of time we’ve learned almost all there is to know about one another, especially with which to form a basis of a relationship. He knows of even the unruly elements of my single lifestyle and not once has he ever judged me, thrown it back in my face or worse, run away. Not only does he accept me entirely for who I once was and who I am now, but he completely gets me too. Already we fit together with tetris-like precision. We have similar thoughts and we finish each other’s sentences. Cheezy I know. And likewise we both equally find rather specific things that are so random, thoroughly annoying.
He’s real. He doesn’t pretend to be someone he isn’t. He doesn’t walk around pretending to know what life is all about.
I see him and he sees me.
He makes me feel valid; like I belong in this world. Before he came along, I was heavily depressed; my mind, my thoughts crawling about in depths of despair. I’d often cry about any and every little thing, with or without tangible reason and most of the time due to no specific cause at all. I felt lost. Born into this life, left to figure it all out - why I’m here and what I’m supposed to be doing in the hope that I would make a positive contribution and significant difference to the population. I’ve been left to find my place in the world, which I never seemed to be able to realise. And whilst now I’m proud to think I’ve managed rather well to get where I am today, I had begun to find it more and more difficult and reached a breaking point, so much so I felt like I wanted to leave this crappy world. Thank God for my cats. Sounds silly, but they kept me here. Mark and I have so much in common and such an extraordinary connection already—something I’ve not ever had the pleasure of feeling before. I’m completely out of my so-called comfort zone and it’s terrifying. Yet at the same time, I find it unreservedly phenomenal.
Since the start of our instant connection, we’ve shared with each other the most intimate parts of our lives, from the most embarrassing and lowest parts, to details of how badly we’ve been let down by others. Scarily, we discover that at one point and inconceivably at quite similar times in our individual lives before meeting, and after both having experienced relentless hurt, we had both at that time, mutually without knowing it, made the decision to just give up on love and piss on the idea of relationships—to forget meeting that right person, to forget living in hope for something that may never be and to stop opening ourselves up to disappointment and hurt.
I can’t even count the number of years I’ve struggled and searched and waited for acceptance for who I was. So many experiences caused me to close off my heart, and my insecurity overshadowed, almost blackening my dreams. I virtually lived in the penumbra of my true self and nobody should ever have to do that.
Now, having found one another, and having been open, honest and transparently upfront without a need to impress each other, we’ve realised that we both want the very same things out of a relationship. And out of life in general. We’ve gone from hating love, back to loving the idea of love all over again.
Chapter 12
It’s the last week of a bitterly cold and snowy January and we’re just over half way through. I’m days closer to finally meeting Mark in person. He’s taking Friday off to make his way down to meet me, and I cannot wait. I can’t sleep or function at work. I’m completely all over the place at the moment and it still feels like ages away before I see him. This week’s taken long enough to come round so I’m envisaging just how drawn out these last two days are going to be.
Back in the office I log into emails and sneakily open up my messenger, leaving the window minimised in the bottom right hand corner in case my boss creeps up behind me to check on what I’m doing. Devious prick.
Gemma: Good morning gorgeous! Good night’s sleep? x
Mark: never better. A bit later than hoped but i got chatting with a friend of mine, Patrick. You?
Gemma: yeah it was a good snooze thanks. So what did you get into long deep conversation about that he caused you to lose much needed sleep? haha
Mark: was asking him if he had the same concerns we’re kind of having when he met his girlfriend. He met her over the internet...
Mark: he said yeah
Gemma: really? how long did they talk before they got fully into it...or better still...tell me their story...x
Mark: they met each other via an online dating site. They became friends and were bitching about ex's, they were both single and then they got together after thinking what the hell. About a month I think. She moved in with him and now they are married
Mark: crazy shit
Gemma: sounds similar to my ex and i. We too had just split from other exes, bitched about them, then tried to win them back, then re-thought that idiotic idea and then got thinking hey what the hell, why don’t we try?! So yeah crazy indeed but it happens and a lot of people actually work out! i just think its anything but normal cause something like this doesn't happen to me and i think its more in the movies than in real life. haha
Gemma: so what did Patrick say about you and me then?
Mark: he said that I should go for it and come and see you. He trusts my judgement.
Gemma: well there we go then! altho it’s not like we weren’t gonna do that already anyway, or were you starting to have doubts about coming down?
Mark: no i never have done. I thought that it would be the other way round with you
Gemma: oh I'm apprehensive a lot of the time when it comes to guys. I've turned into such a cynic and I’m generally distrusting and convinced they’re only gonna let me down like all the others
Mark: I wiont do that
Gemma: but somehow even tho I've been quite precarious, since we’ve started to talk, I've not thought about pulling out at all
God, our spelling is atrocious. But then it is pretty tricky to keep it a hundred percent right when your fingers don’t function properly, speed wobbling all over the place due to unreserved excitement caused just from talking to one another.
Gemma: and by the way, you can't say that babe
Gemma: no person can be sure of that
Mark: why would i let you down?
Gemma: well not intentionally...but it can just happen. you could easily for e.g. meet someone tomorrow who takes your fancy and decide rather to follow through with that one...just an example of little things that could happen to change your entire life
Mark: I want to meet you first
Gemma: oh nice, and THEN follow through with the woman you meet tomorrow? lol
Mark: i find you interesting
Gemma: interesting? never had that one before...funny, sweet, kind, loving...all of that but never been classed as interesting. Thank you
Mark: Not going to meet anyone.
Mark: I have survived a year without meeting anyone particularly special
Gemma: oh what? you got your crystal ball out with you tonight?
Mark: I am not bothered about anyone else at the moment
Mark: Wanna see what you are about first
Mark: One piece of advice I was given was...
Mark: Never Pass Up A Good Thing!
Mark: and that's exactly what i am not going to do
Gemma: well i go by that too! but who doesn't? only a fool that’s who
Gemma: Okay ok...loser lol
Mark: thats winner to you
Gemma: haha indeed
Gemma: just typing an email to my boss quick...keep going...
Mark: hahahahaha
Mark: keep going quick or slow lol
Mark: sorry you set me up
Gemma: haha you bad bad boy
Gemma: start slow and then a little quicker
Gemma: actually speaking of sex
Gemma: we were speaking of sex right...? lol
I may as well bring that up, after all, he is making the effort of journeying down to me on Friday. It’s more than likely bound to happen. I mean other than some dinner, wine and music, without a doubt, it’s got to be the least I can do for him to thank him for enduring an uncomfortably endless trip to visit little ol’ me. Oh god, I’m so ghastly.
Mark: of course we are
Mark: ;p lol
Gemma: well i was thinking of what you said the other night about how you don't stop during sex. What did you mean exactly?
Gemma: like even if you're told to stop?
Gemma: cause you know there’s a word for that right? lol
Mark: what is it?
Gemma: errrr rape haha
Mark: I was talking about stamina you plum
Gemma: oh sorry ya melon
Mark: lol. I have a lot of stamina
Gemma: oh thank goat for that, I was starting to worry a little haha
Mark: no doubt lol. If w
e get to that stage, you won’t be disappointed
Gemma: IF?
Mark: haha well, I’m not coming down to visit with any premeditated intentions of hopping into your bed. I’m just really excited about finally meeting you and spending time with you holding you closely in my arms
Gemma: ah that’s really sweet. And I guess we'll see wont we?!
Mark: aye, naughty
Gemma: oh don’t play innocent ya playa!
Mark: don’t go there biatch lol
Gemma: eeeeeeeeeeee sheeeeeut up!
Mark: HAHAHA
Gemma: Groovy baby, well it's almost the weekend!
Gemma: It still worries me though. The fact you could get here and completely not fancy me
Mark: Yeah but the same goes for you too. How do you think I feel?
Gemma: Well either way, when you get here and if that does happen...there’s no immediate spark, just be gentle but honest.
Mark: Definitely. You too
Gemma: I tell you what, why don’t we have a safe word – like a sign to let the other down gently. That way, we can get past the nerves and just have some fun. You know, just drink and go dancing or something instead of panic the night away wondering. What do you reckon?
Mark: Good idea. I still think it will sting a bit and totally hope it’s not the case, but I get where ya coming from. Peaches? Bubbles? Bollocks? Lol
Gemma: Ummmm, no, hold on a sec, I’m thinking...
Gemma: Puzzle!
Mark: Puzzle it is then. I really hope you don’t need to use it. I know I won’t
Gemma: Oh god A, please don’t be so sure. You’ve only seen photos and I generally look better in those than up close
Mark: Honestly, it’s not going to happen. Not with me anyway
Gemma: Guess we’ll have to wait and see
Gemma: Hey listen, I seriously need to get some actual work done now. I’m going to log off for a bit but chat later tonight?
Mark: Definitely. Have a good day sweetheart xx
Gemma: And you. xxxxxxx + another 10!
Sweet Convictions Page 15