‘Pete,’ I said, because that’s his name, ‘Pete, you are too young to get married. You haven’t even got your own house yet, or a car.’
Pete looked at me VERY SERIOUSLY.
‘Casper,’ he said, because that’s my name, ‘you are a small, knobbly-kneed twig person and sometimes I think your brain has decided to run away from home and find somewhere else to live, hopefully somewhere sensible.’
Anyhow, that afternoon we had one of the best bits of the competition – the Ethel Snufflebottom Quiz. Each class had a team and ours was Sarah Sitterbout (who knows absolutely EVERYTHING), Hartley Tartly-Green (who thinks he knows everything) and me, because I’m quite good at making wild guesses.
We reckoned we had an excellent chance of doing well because Sarah was our
She is such a brain box. Her brain is probably as big as a space station. The only thing Sarah Sitterbout is no good at is football.
So we took our places for the quiz and our very first question was difficult.
Even I knew Italy was a country and not a capital city. Sarah looked very upset and wouldn’t look at me. She stared glumly at the table. The next question came.
‘How does a boa constrictor kill its prey?’
WAS THAT WEIRD OR WHAT? Sarah Sitterbout was an expert on animals! I knew that for sure because she once found a deadly Black Widow Spider crawling up my sleeve and she saved me from it. She picked it up WITH HER BARE HAND! SHE DIDN’T EVEN WEAR GLOVES! Sarah said it wasn’t a Black Widow Spider at all. It was a Cardinal Beetle and she would call it James.
After that it got worse and worse. Sarah either got the answers wrong or said she didn’t know the answer at all. We came LAST! I couldn’t believe it.
Sarah rushed from the room and wouldn’t speak to anyone. I didn’t even see her when she left school.
Pete and I walked home together. We have to. We live right next door to each other.
We were almost home when we heard someone crying. They were doing it very quietly, as if they didn’t want anyone to hear. We peered over a wall and there was Sarah.
Pete and I looked at each other, wondering what to do. I bent over the wall, touched her shoulder and asked her if anything was the matter.
‘Everything’s the matter,’ she sniffed.
We went into the garden and sat either side of her. ‘You can tell us,’ said Pete helpfully. ‘We’re your pals.’
‘No, I can’t. I can’t tell anyone.’
‘Maybe we can help,’ I suggested.
‘I doubt it, unless you’ve got a tank and an army and everything,’ sniffed Sarah.
I chuckled. At least she still had a sense of humour. I took a gamble. ‘I’ve got two armies,’ I told her. ‘They’re up my sleevies.’
‘And I’ve got two more,’ Pete joined in, waving his armies like windmills. It should have made Sarah smile but unfortunately Pete waved his arms about so wildly he clunked her head.
‘Come on, Sarah, what’s the problem?’I asked.
She took a deep breath. ‘Masher McNee has got Cuggles.’
Pete and I looked at each other blankly.
‘No!’ wailed Sarah. ‘It’s my cuddly fluffy rabbit. I’ve had him since I was a baby and Masher has kidnapped him. He said if I answered any questions right I’d never see Cuggles again!’
Well! No wonder Sarah bungled the quiz. That Masher McNee had a lot to answer for. Huh. If I ever got my hands on him I’d, I’d – well, actually, I’d probably run a mile. Very fast. I thought the Vampire Twins were Bad News but that Masher was Bad News stuck on the end of a bomb.
Sarah told us that Masher had the rabbit in his bag and Pete said he had an idea. I groaned. Pete’s ideas usually come from the Land of Bonkerdom. But in fact, after he had explained it, the sun came out on Sarah’s face and she was a lot happier. We would just have to wait until the next day at school to put Pete’s plan into action.
BIG SURPRISE! When Pete and I went into class it was like entering The World of Gloom. Everyone looked totally glum. Noella Niblet, who is a right sulkpot (and a left sulkpot too) and always looks fed up anyway, now looked ten times worse than glum. There was an awful lot of glum in that classroom.
The floor was covered with little scraps of paper.
‘It’th our thorieth,’ sobbed Lucy, and the insides of her glasses misted up with tears. Pete and I call her The Mighty Munch because she has the biggest brace ever on her teeth. It makes her lisp when she’s speaking.
‘Thumbody’th hath torn them into little pietheth.’
Pete and I scowled at each other. ‘Masher McNee and the Monster Mob!’ we chorused.
So then Tyson started wailing as well. Tyson is bigger than me but he is scared of absolutely EVERYTHING. He’d scream if he saw a a tree or a fried egg or a caterpillar. Tyson’s superhero name is, guess what? Scaredy Pants! It couldn’t be anything else, could it?
So now Lucy and Tyson were both sobbing. I thought we’d all drown in a pool of tears. Luckily Horrible Hairy Face arrived at that moment.
He strode into the classroom, took one look at all the paper on the floor, handed a broom to Cameron and told him to sweep up. Cameron looks a bit like a broom himself because he’s tall and thin. He’s probably the tallest boy in the school even though he’s only nine. He’s a bit like the BFG but we call him the BFC instead – Big Friendly Cameron.
We waited for Mr Butternut to say something about the torn-up stories but he went straight to his desk and began to call the register. Didn’t he care about our brilliant stories?
I put up my hand. ‘Excuse me, Mr Butternut, but those are our stories, all torn up.’
‘Are you sure?’ asked our teacher. He opened his bag and pulled out a thick wodge of papers. They looked familiar.
Mr Butternut grinned. ‘I had a feeling something awful might happen to them. So I photocopied your work and took the originals home for safekeeping, and here they are! It’s the copies that got torn up.’
Wow! Did we cheer or what? (We cheered!!) That Mr Butternut is pretty clever if you ask me. (And he’s still pretty clever even if you don’t.)
So we were very happy about that, but we still had to sort out Masher McNee and rescue Sarah Sitterbout’s rabbit, Cuggles.
When break came we went out to the playground. This was it. This was the moment when Pete and I were going to face Masher and his gang.
We found Masher by the water fountains. He was charging 10p to anyone who wanted a drink. The Monster Mob were there too, looking very evil.
Pete squared up to Masher. ‘You’ve got something that doesn’t belong to you.’
‘So you’d better hand it over,’ I added, trying to sound really hard.
Unfortunately my voice sounded about as threatening as a squashed frog. My heart was going bonkers too. I thought it would jump right out of my mouth.
Masher whirled round and glared at us. His face broke into a nasty sneer.
‘Oh, look, it’s Batman and Robin. Have you come to save the world?’
I watched in horror as the Monster Mob took up a position behind their leader. I mean, there were three more of them and they looked TRIPLE MEAN.
I swallowed hard. ‘Hand over the rabbit, Masher. It isn’t yours.’
Masher pulled a soppy face. ‘Ooooh, diddums wants his wabbit. Ooh, coochy coochy!’
I turned bright red and the Monster Mob burst out laughing. Pete and I weren’t getting anywhere. Masher’s face suddenly took on a hard scowl and he stepped towards us. Now my heart really DID jump out of my mouth. Not only that, but it ran off, terrified. My legs turned to jelly.
‘Go back to Mummy,’ Masher growled, and his hands scrunched up into big fat fists.
There was only one thing for it. I looked at Pete. He looked at me. We screamed.
But, of course, it didn’t happen quite like that … Masher McNee pulled Cuggles from his bag and triumphantly held him up.
‘Look what I’ve got!’ he crowed. ‘I’ve got a little rabbit!
’
One of Masher’s gang giggled. ‘What are you going to do with it, boss?’
If you ask me, that Masher McNee is very, VERY BAD.
Pete and I looked at each other. It was time to put Pete’s plan into action. Do you know what we did? We really did shout:
As soon as they heard this shout, THE WHOLE CLASS came rushing over and surrounded Masher McNee and the Monster Mob. THE WHOLE CLASS!!
It was brilliant! Masher could see there was no way he could win this one. He threw Cuggles at Sarah and folded his arms crossly.
But Masher’s class didn’t win. The final part of the competition was a massive maths test. Guess who came top? Tyson Scaredy Pants! I forgot to tell you he was a cracker at maths, didn’t I? So, what with our stories and maths and everything, we won the Ethel Snufflebottom trophy.
There’s something else too. Sarah Sitterbout was so impressed with the way Pete’s plan worked out that she’s taken a fancy to him, big time! Pete’s got TWO girlfriends now. He doesn’t know what to do! Serves him right!
So that’s how we became superheroes and I hope we stay superheroes forever and ever. After all, Big Feet Pete will need ALL his superpowers if he’s going to have TWO girlfriends! (Snigger snigger.)
Cartoon Kid Page 3