by Tara Taylor
I shivered uncontrollably. What if I had just kept quiet and not said anything? My shivers turned into trembling. John pulled me toward him, and I laid my head on his shoulder, liking the feeling of his strength and warmth and power. He wrapped his arms around me, and I knew he wanted to protect me.
Finally, the paramedics arrived, and the red and blue lights of the ambulance and the shrieking sound of a siren were a stark contrast to the joy of Christmas Day. The snow and ice, so beautiful to look at when you were safe from them, had taken on a different look. Now the winter scene was dangerous and foreboding. It could cause accidents. It could have killed this woman. John remained beside me with his arm around my shoulder. Silently, we watched the paramedics.
When the woman was on the stretcher, one of the paramedics said to my father, “It’s a good thing you stopped. She would have died out here in this cold.”
As the ambulance screeched out of sight, John stared at me. “Wow,” he said, almost in shock. “You just saved someone’s life.” Then he hugged me. “Now, that’s a Christmas gift. A real Christmas gift.” He gently touched my cheek and gazed into my eyes. “You’re amazing, Indie. I think you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met.”
When we were back in the car and my dad was driving again, he said, “Indie, you have the eyes of a hawk.”
“Hawk eyes,” teased Brian. “That name suits you.” Then he raised his eyebrows and shook his head. “I still don’t know how you saw her. She was lying down. It would have been impossible.”
I leaned against John, resting my head on his shoulder and didn’t answer. Now I had yet another secret to keep.
Because … only I knew I didn’t actually see her.
Chapter
Fifteen
The Christmas week sped by. As promised, I met up with Sarah and the girls to rehearse, but only after John had left town. I didn’t want to upset him by spending less time with him, so rehearsing when he was gone was perfect. He didn’t have to know. We had gotten so close after what happened on Christmas that I honestly missed him as soon as he was gone. The rehearsal did help me forget, though.
“Let’s do that Police song you like,” said Sarah to me.
“‘Every Breath You Take,’” said Zoe. “That’s a good one. I know it, too. We’ve been practicing it without you.”
“You guys have had rehearsals without me?” I asked.
“We have to, Indie,” snapped Carly. “We’re committed to playing in March with or without you. If you can’t tear yourself away from John, the band will go on without you.”
“I can,” I said.
Carly rolled her eyes. “Yeah, well, whatever.”
“Enough,” said Zoe. “We’re all together now, so let’s rehearse.”
“‘Every Breath You Take,’ from the top,” said Sarah.
When it was my turn to sing, I closed my eyes and sang, every word reminding me of John. He was my breath. We were one. I couldn’t help but feel the way I did. The girls didn’t understand, but how could they? None of them had ever been in love.
On New Year’s Eve, I woke up with a terrible stomachache. Not because I was sick. John’s uncle had just moved to Ottawa and was having a New Year’s Eve party, and John had asked me to go. Of course, his mother was going to be there. I closed my eyes. I had seen his mother again, but not for any substantial length of time. I hoped I wouldn’t have any more visions.
As I got dressed for the evening, I did my usual chitchat with myself behind my bedroom door. Brian had gone out already, so there was no one to barge in and tell me I was crazy.
“Please, let me handle this okay.” I played with my hair, tying it in a knot on the top of my head. But I didn’t like how it looked.
“I want everything to be perfect when the clock strikes midnight and John kisses me.”
I tied my hair in a side ponytail like Sarah wore hers all the time. “I want this night to be magical.”
I kept doing my hair and talking to myself. I must have done my hair at least ten times. Finally, I curled it and wore it down. After one last look in the mirror, I grabbed my purse off the end of my bed, making sure I had a full pack of cigarettes. Dressed in black pants (I hated how my body looked in jeans) and a pretty black and gray ruffled top that I had received for Christmas, I headed to the kitchen to say good-bye to my mother.
“You look nice,” she said.
“Thanks.”
“Is John driving you home?”
“Yeah. But don’t expect me till after midnight. I want to be there when the clock strikes.”
My mother was about to add something when the doorbell rang. “Happy New Year!” I kissed her on the cheek, grabbed my long winter dress coat and scarf from the closet, then bolted out of the room.
John’s uncle lived only a few blocks away from their house. Cars lined the street in front of his house. Uncle Jonah had moved from Newfoundland at the beginning of December but knew tons of people from when he had lived in Ottawa years ago. The reason he moved back, I was told, was because he had a job. I knew it had something to do with John’s mother.
When we got out of the car, I immediately knew something was up with the weather, but I had no idea what. A storm perhaps? The air had this heavy feeling. It had been so cold before Christmas and for a few days after, but now there was some warm front coming in from Texas, of all places. It was supposed to get unseasonably warm, and they were predicting freezing rain.
Warm I could handle. I stared at the white snowbanks lining the shoveled sidewalk. The snow was still pure, but warm weather would soon make a mess of it, creating slush and gross, dirty snow. At least it had been white and pretty for Christmas.
I wished John would hold my hand, but he didn’t. Instead he lit up a cigarette.
“Sarah is going to come by later,” I said, tucking my chin into my coat to get away from the cold. I rummaged through my purse for my cigarettes.
“Here,” said John. “We can share this one.” He handed me his. I inhaled and handed it back.
“I think some others are coming, too,” he said.
“Like who?”
John shrugged. “Carly. Randy. Maybe Amber.”
I frowned. “Amber? Why would she be invited?”
John casually shrugged. “Because she’s fun.” He butted out his cigarette on the cement wall near the stairs and then said, “Ready?”
I forced a smile. “Sure.”
The tiny front hallway was littered with shoes and boots. I stepped over them and slipped out of my own, adding one more pair to the pile. John took my coat and hung it up in the front closet. Then he took my hand and led me through the hall.
Oldies music sounded from the kitchen, and I couldn’t tell who it was, perhaps the Eagles.
My nerves twitched as I followed John into the kitchen, and I hoped that I wouldn’t have any reactions to anything. Bowls of chips and pretzels sat on the counters, as did plates of cheese and crackers and pickles and olives. Lots of people in the room shouted our names. I saw his mother standing by the kitchen table with a tumbler in her hand. She smiled and waved at me, and I waved back. So far, so good.
From across the room, though, I could see she was wearing the locket. My throat clogged. Who was the man she held so close to her heart? Once I had tried to ask John about the man, but the words had stuck in my throat. Like, literally stuck. Something had held me back from asking the question. Perhaps it was because I didn’t want him asking me questions.
Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced at John. His eyes had narrowed; he was shaking his head, and not in a good way. Then he left my side and walked over to his mother. I wasn’t sure if I should follow or not.
Some nonverbal communication passed between them with John pointing to her glass and her shaking her head. I inhaled, then forced the air out, trying to keep the energy in the room from leaking into me.
Tune everything out, Indie. Just tune out. You need to have fun tonight.
After a
few seconds, John came back to me and said, “Let’s go downstairs.”
“I should say hi to your mother.”
“Okay.”
Back in the kitchen, I weaved around bodies to get closer to his mother. “Mrs. Smith,” I said, “I haven’t seen you in a long time.”
I stood far enough away from her that she wouldn’t try to touch me. “Indie! It’s so great to see you. You should come over more.”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “In the new year.” I paused, then said, “It must be nice for you to have your brother back in Ottawa. I know John likes having his uncle around.”
“It’s good for John to have a male figure in his life.” She put her hand to the necklace.
My pulse quickened. Gold gleamed in front of my face, momentarily blinding me. What was it about that locket? I clenched my hands together.
I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know.
“Do you have a picture in your locket?” I blurted out.
What had possessed me to say that?
I tried to step back, get away from the locket. Mrs. Smith dropped her hand from around her neck.
“It’s just that I have a friend,” I sputtered, “who has a locket, and she has a photo of her dog in it. But her locket was different. It was a heart.” I knew I was babbling, but the words just came out. When Lacey was younger, she did have this costume jewelry locket, and she did keep a photo of her dog in it, so I wasn’t lying.
Mrs. Smith rubbed the back of her neck. Then she tried to smile, but I could tell it was an effort. “Like your friend,” she said, “I have someone I loved very much in my locket.” She paused for a second. She attempted again to smile. “I’m glad to hear John is happy to have his uncle in Ottawa.”
“Yeah.” I was so glad she had changed the subject. I also tried to laugh to ease the tension I had created. “He likes to have him around to help him work on his car.”
“I wish I could afford to get John a better car.”
“Mrs. Smith,” I started. Without thinking, I touched her arm. The pads of my fingers burned, so I drew my hand away, placing it on my hip. I took another little step back. “He’s lucky to have a car. My parents won’t get me one.”
“Your parents won’t get you what?” John butted in.
“A car!” I playfully jabbed his stomach with my elbow. I was relieved that he had joined us, because my entire conversation with his mother had been forced and awkward. And I felt the kitchen moving in on me like a throbbing heartbeat. I really needed to get away from the crowd.
As if reading my thoughts, John jerked his head toward the other side of the kitchen. “Let’s go downstairs,” he said. “Randy and Amber just arrived.”
“Nice talking to you,” I said to Mrs. Smith.
John put his hand on the small of my back and guided me toward the downstairs recreation room. Voices sounded from downstairs, as did music that I knew. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, there were at least a dozen kids from our school milling around, some of them playing pool or shooting darts, Amber included. I so hoped that Amber was hitting on someone like Randy tonight.
I gravitated over to Sarah and Carly. The talk revolved around Christmas break and midterm exams, and then the topic of grad came up.
“I’m going to get my dress soon,” said Sarah. “I’m not sure whether to go long or short.”
“I’m definitely going short,” I said. “I don’t want to wear a long dress.”
“I think I want long,” said Carly. “Le Château has some cute ones.”
“Are you guys getting your dresses already? It’s only January.” I looked at the clock on the wall. “Well, it will be in less than two hours.”
“Sure. Why not?” Sarah shrugged. “I may not have a date yet, but heck, I can still buy a dress, especially when all the New Year’s dresses are half price.”
“I thought I’d wait until spring,” I said.
Sarah laughed at me. “Why? You just said you’re going to wear a short dress, so just go get one. And you’ve got a date. I mean, you and John are, like, married for crap’s sake, so you don’t even have to worry about the stupid date thing. I’ve never seen a closer couple than you guys.”
When I lowered my head to sneak a glance at John over by the pool table, I immediately noticed that he was standing awfully close to Amber. They looked as if they were flirting with each other, laughing and clinking beer bottles. My jaw clenched. When had he gotten himself a beer?
“You want to go outside for a smoke?” I said to Sarah.
I waved to John from across the room and held up my cigarette package. He held up his finger as if to say he would join us in a minute. Before we went outside, Sarah made sure she poured us each a drink from her private Coke bottle stash and I made sure I put it in a plastic cup. I would just have one. One wouldn’t hurt.
Outside the darkened winter sky showed some large clear patches where stars twinkled. A full moon slipped out from a small cloud cover, and suddenly a grayish blue light lit the back yard. My mother always said that the emergency wards at the hospital were crazy when it was a full moon, which didn’t surprise me because the full moon always made me feel weird, too. Often I would lose things or forget something. The temperature was hovering just below freezing, but the air had a damp feel to it. I couldn’t wait for that warm front to move in. Sarah and I stood outside shivering, puffing. I hadn’t eaten much dinner, so the alcohol Sarah had poured for me was starting to take effect. Her drinks were always so strong.
“Hey,” I said to Sarah as I blew out smoke, “I have a question for you, and I want a serious answer.”
“‘Kay.”
“Do you think Amber is putting the moves on John?”
Sarah burst out laughing and doubled over. “John fricking loves you, Indie. Why would he want Amber? You guys are, like, connected at the hip. You can’t even make time for our band anymore because of him.”
I flicked the ashes off my cigarette and stared out at the yard, which was bathed in a blue shadow. Then I stared up at the moon, round and full, illuminating the earth with a chilling and somber gray light.
We dropped the subject of John and Amber and chatted aimlessly about school and music.
My cigarette was almost done when Sarah said, “Holy crap, I almost forgot to tell you. Did you hear the awful news?”
“What?” I slunk deeper into my coat.
“That kid Nathan from our school died over Christmas.”
Shivers ran up one side of my body and down the other. I stood frozen on the porch.
“You know the kid I’m talking about,” said Sarah. “The one who always picked his nose.”
This couldn’t be true. A horrible feeling of sorrow surrounded my heart. Even when I was seven and my papa had died, I hadn’t been overcome with this type of sadness. This sudden rash of emotions that had exploded in my body created unexpected tears that appeared to sit behind my eyes. I couldn’t finish my cigarette—my hands were shaking too much—so I ground it out in the cigarette can. The door slammed, and John walked out onto the porch, hugging his body.
“It’s freezing out here.”
I turned to face John. “Nathan died.”
“Nathan?” John furrowed his eyebrows then he looked at Sarah. “The little guy?” Palm down, he put out his hand to around Nathan’s height.
“Yeah.” Her teeth chattered as she talked. “I just heard today. So weird.”
“How did he die?” John asked.
“No idea,” said Sarah.
“He wanted to be a violinist,” I said quietly. My knees buckled, and I could hardly stand up. Then the tears from behind my lids started rolling down my cheeks. “He didn’t want to die.”
John put his arm around me, and I rested my cheek on his chest. He kissed the top of my forehead. “Let’s go back inside,” he said. “It’s too cold out here.”
Inside the house, I couldn’t stop crying. John and I went into the washroom, and he closed the door. “In
die,” he said soothingly, “it’s okay.”
“It’s just so sad.” I shook my head over and over. I had heard the man’s voice on Christmas Eve. He had tried to tell me something about this. But why? I couldn’t have done anything to help. Now that voice just made this all worse. Could I have helped? Was that why I heard the voice on Christmas Eve? But I would have had no way of knowing where Nathan was to phone him and warn him.
What could I have done?
Maybe I hadn’t heard the voice. Maybe it had been saying “woman,” not “Nathan.” Like the woman we found in the car by the side of the road.
Why was I given these stupid voices and visions, if I could do nothing about them?
The tears kept coming. And coming. I tried to wipe them away. I felt so stupid for crying so hard. But I couldn’t stop myself, because I knew Nathan hadn’t wanted to die. He just wanted the other kids to leave him alone so he could play his violin. He’d had something to show the world, and now he wasn’t allowed to. He was dead. Dead.
John wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to his chest, holding me, stroking my back. “Why don’t you stay with me tonight?”
I snuggled against his chest.
His nose nuzzled my ear when he whispered, “You can sleep over.”
“My mom won’t let me do that.” I lowered my head.
He lifted my chin and kissed me, so softly, so gently, and the salt from my tears blended with the sweet taste of his lips.
When we parted, he whispered, “I think you need me tonight. We’ll sleep in separate rooms. My mom wouldn’t allow anything else.”
Then he released his hold on me and pulled a tissue out of the box that was sitting on the back of the toilet. I accepted it and wiped my eyes.
“Are we going to grad together?” I asked.
“Grad?” He touched my cheek. “Why would you bring that up now?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Sarah and I were talking about it, I guess. Maybe I’m trying to take my mind off Nathan. He won’t get to graduate.”
John stroked my hair. “Of course we’re going to grad together. We’re going to be together for a long time. Maybe we can move to England next year and live together. I’ve always wanted to live in London.”