by Kayt Miller
“Oh, I know! That’s why this thing with us can only be about fucking. No emotion. I can’t do feelings.”
Could have fooled me, but I remain silent. I’m not a fuck buddy kind of girl. I’m a forever kind of girl. I’m his friend first, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. He’s tired and upset from tonight. “Mick?”
He sighs heavily, “Roni, I’m tired. Tonight has been a fucking nightmare. I just need to sleep. Can we do that? Can we sleep now?”
Wow, that hurt. More than you could ever know. I sigh, “Yeah, fine. I need sleep.”
He doesn’t say anything about talking later, which bothers me. He just wants this conversation to be over. That means I’ve got to accept the fact that I’m his fuck toy and that’s all. I’m worth more than that, so I’m not sure if I can be only that for him. Not even for Mick Flynn.
I pull back the covers and slide into the crisp sheets.
“Do you mind if I take a quick shower, Roni? I don’t want to get blue makeup all over your sheets.”
“Sure. Towels are under the sink. My shampoos and soaps are all in the shower. Let me know if you need anything.”
When I hear the bathroom door click shut, I reach up and turn off my bedside lamp casting the room and hallway into darkness. As the shower runs, I do my best not to picture him dripping wet. When the door to the bathroom opens, I squeeze my eyes shut. The bathroom light flips off thrusting my room and the hallway into total darkness. I can tell he’s feeling around on the walls in an attempt to get to the bed. When I hear him bump into my dresser and cuss. “Shit!”
“Did you hurt yourself, Mick?”
“No. Yes. I jammed my toe into a piece of furniture. Whatever the hell it is. Keep talking so I can figure out where you are.”
“I’m here. Follow my voice.”
My room is small, so in two strides his knees hit my bed. He slides his big body over me to land next to me. Mick rolls back over to face me. I feel his hands slide over to me. One of them slips over my middle as his face meets my neck.
“Night, Roni.”
“Night,” I will do my best to forget about all of this. Forget Mick because he doesn’t want a relationship and he doesn't want kids. But I do. I’ve always wanted a family. I want it all.
Chapter 29: Mick
I lay in Roni’s bed with one arm behind my head, the other at my side. I’m staring up at the ceiling listening to her sleep. She’s got a little snore that’s kind of cute. She must have been tired. Waking her up in the middle of the night wasn’t my best move, but I wanted to see her. No, I needed to see her. I wanted her to know the truth about Lauren and about tonight.
It was a dick move making her think I was hitting on Lauren. I was confused. Shit, I’m still confused. I meant what I said when I told Roni that I didn’t want kids or a relationship. I saw her expression after I said that. No doubt she had hopes for us, but I made sure to crush those dreams. I’m a dick that way.
Her expression turned from sadness to anger when I told her all we could be was lovers. Well, I didn’t use such sweet words. Fuck buddies. That’s what I said. Jesus, I’m so screwed. I meant what I said, for the most part. The other part wants more with this girl but I just can’t. I just can’t.
Fucking her tonight wasn’t my smartest move either but I can’t help myself when I’m near her. I know she didn’t come. She faked it, and I’m not sure why. After we had tried it with her on top, her confidence waned. She’s like an open book. Her facial expressions give away everything.
The truth is, having the woman on top isn’t my favorite position. I don’t have as much control that way, and I love being in charge during sex. Lauren always wanted to be on top. It was fucking annoying. Either that or Roni just wanted it to be over. I’m not sure which is worse. I fall asleep with more questions than when I walked in her door.
* * *
My eyes flutter open to a bright light. Where am I? I look around the tiny space and see the culprit. Bright autumnal light is pouring into a bedroom window. Roni’s window. I roll over toward the center of the bed hoping to see my girl. Goddamn it. Not my girl.
She’s gone. She’s already up. I sit up feeling the remains of a hangover that I, mostly, slept off. I run my fingers through my mop of hair and take a better look at her space. It’s feminine. White walls, hardwood floors with one of those coiled rag rugs on the floor.
There are a white dresser and a matching armoire in the corner. Two nightstands sit on either side of her queen size bed. The bedding is soft and puffy. It’s cozy and comfortable. I slept really well once I finally fell asleep.
I stand up stretching. My hands hit the ceiling. “Damn, this place is small,” I say only to myself. I walk out into the short hallway to find her bathroom. “Maybe she’s in the shower?” That’d be nice. I could join her.
Nope, the bathroom is empty. I finish up in there and make my way through to the main room. That’s all there is to this place, one small bathroom, one small bedroom, and a room with a tiny kitchen and an even smaller sitting area.
“This place can’t be over 500 square feet.” Again, speaking to myself because Roni is nowhere to be seen. There’s no coffee brewing, no eggs cooking, nothing. It’s not like I expected her to fix me breakfast or anything. I’m not like that. I just assumed because Roni is that kind of girl. She takes care of other people. She’s a nurturer. Now, she’d be a great mother. Fuck! I didn’t mean for my mind to go there. I’m sure she will be a great mom when she meets the right guy. That guy isn’t me.
I look into the kitchen once again to make sure she wasn’t just, I don’t know, hiding? It’s then that I see a note:
“Thank you, Roni?” What the fuck? “Thank you?” I chill runs down my spine because it’s at that exact moment that I realize––I’ve ruined everything.
Chapter 30: Mick
I waited around Roni’s apartment until I had to get ready for work––so, about four hours. She never came home. I just sat on her little sofa and waited. I walked around her place looking at her photos, the stuff she had on her shelves, and her books.
Surprisingly, I think I learned more about her by snooping than I have just by talking to her. I know she’s the prettiest one in her family. Her sisters aren’t bad looking; they just aren’t beautiful like Roni. All three girls have blonde hair. The sisters look like their dad, but Roni looks just like her mom, stunning. I imagine Roni will be the same when she’s older.
I learned she likes to collect odd little things like old skeleton keys, delicate teacups, and Pez dispensers. Ancient and new, they’re all over her place. She has books everywhere too. From books about marketing to books by the classic authors like Jane Austen. She’s got some new books too, primarily romances. I pull out one and check out the cover. It’s a shirtless dude, and it’s only showing his torso. He apparently works out but nothing special. I slam that book back on the shelf. “She can do better than that,” I mutter.
I peek in her nightstand and see a journal. While I’m tempted to look at it, it would be crossing the line. I won’t invade her privacy like that. What I will do, though, is check out her bathroom medicine cabinet. You can learn a lot about someone that way.
I pull open the mirrored panel above her sink and take inventory. Okay, there’s aspirin, Midol, eye drops, nail file, nail clippers, and what the hell? Condoms? I pull open the box and count. There are supposed to be twelve condoms in the box, but I only count eight. What the fuck?
I reach in and grab one and think. I flip it over and see a small date printed in black. I hold it closer to my face. “Expiration date?” I turn the box over in my hand and think. I spot a small printed date: EXP01-2015. “Well, at least I can assume she hasn’t been with anyone recently. The damn things are expired,” I mutter to myself.
I reach into my sporran and pull out the condoms there. I honestly didn’t give thought to expiration dates. The ribbed for her pleasure condom expiration date isn’t until 2020. I pull out the flavored
rubber and note that it expires soon. I toss that one in her garbage and check out the neon condom. EXP05-2014. Oh, shit.
Which did I use with Roni? I squeeze my eyes shut trying to think. I can’t remember what we used at my place. I know it wasn’t ribbed. I threw away the condom after our last time. I lean over and peer into her wastebasket. Just barely peeking out of a wrapped up piece of tissue, I see the color green. Bright, neon green. Fuck!
I toss all of the condoms from my pouch in the garbage. I knew condoms expired. Of course, I knew that. I just thought they lasted a lot longer. I run my fingers through my tangled hair. I need to get home, shower, and get to work. I’ll think about all of this later.
I leave a note:
How should I sign it? Yours? No, not ‘yours.’ Love? Oh, hell no. Best? No. I decide to just sign it,Mick.
* * *
I made it to work with time to spare. Even though I was only off for one night, it feels more like days. For a Sunday evening, the place is packed. That’s probably in anticipation of another Cubs playoff game up on the third floor.
My office is just as I left it Friday night. I check for any messages or notes from the staff. I don’t know what I was hoping to find, but whatever it was, it wasn’t there. I grab a clean apron and head out to help with the rush.
I usually love working when there’s a crowd because I get lost in the process. Not tonight. Tonight my mind is all over the place––revolving around Roni and us. Us? See? I can’t get things clear in my own headspace.
Bent over cleaning up my third dropped glass of the night, I see movement to my left. I stand and turn just as little arms wrap themselves around me and pull me down for a hug. “Mom? What are you doing here?”
I pull back to look at her face. She’s been crying. “Mom? What’s wrong? Is everyone okay? Is dad okay?”
“Oh, Mick. Honey. Now I understand. I get it. Why you’ve been so sad this last year. I should have known it was something big. You aren’t the type stay down.” Tears appear in the corners of her eyes.
I don't want to talk about this with her here. “Libby?” Libby is one of my floaters. She can wait tables, bartend, and do pretty much whatever I need. “Can you cover for me? I need to head to my office for a few.”
“Sure thing, boss.”
“Come on mom. Let’s go back to my office.”
I take her tiny hand and lead her back. I know she’s upset. I also knew it was just a matter of time until she found me. My family can’t keep a secret to save their lives. Besides, I didn’t swear them to secrecy last night. It was time to get it off my chest. I should have done it sooner. My family would have carried some of this burden. We’re good at taking care of each other.
We walk into my office, and I ask her to sit down. I shut the door and flip on the overhead light. “Mom, are you okay?”
“Oh, Michael. I’m okay, yes. I’m just so sad for you, honey. And for us.” She stands up again walking around my desk. She’s a small woman. She’s not quite five feet tall and can’t weigh more than 115 pounds, but she packs a mean hug. She wraps her little arms around my neck and pulls me into her.
Sarah Flynn’s a nurturer too. Just like Roni. “I don’t have words, baby boy. I really don’t. I can only imagine how you’ve felt all this time. I wish you had told us. Maybe we could have helped. But, we know now so we can move on from here.”
She takes a deep breath. “I never liked Lauren.”
I chuckle. “Mom. You liked her when I was dating her. You just don’t like her now.”
“No. I never liked her. She was mean-spirited like Jennifer.”
“So, I guess you heard about Jen and Dave?”
“He’s been staying at our house since last night. He told us everything that happened at the party and afterward. I stopped by your place a couple times today but never caught you. So, I came here.”
She’s still got a tight hold on me.
I pat her arms and give them a gentle squeeze. “Mom. I’m really fine. Actually, I feel better today than I have since it happened. My friend, R…”
“Roni?”
I laugh again. “Yeah, Roni. My friend. I talked to her last night and told her about it. She’s a great listener, and she can hug almost as good as you can,” I wink. “Not quite, but almost.”
“Hugging is an art form. It’s nice to know a fellow artist,” she smirks. “I can’t wait to meet her. Why don’t you bring her over for Sunday dinner? That is if you can ever get a Sunday night off.”
“I do the schedule here so I can make that happen. It just hasn’t worked out the last few weeks. As for Roni at the family dinner? Maybe. I’m not sure about things with her.”
“What aren’t you sure about, Michael?”
“Mom. Um, I just don’t know how I feel about her. That’s all.”
“She’s not your ‘type.'” She says type with air quotes. “Right?”
“No. She’s not my type,” I grumble.
“Well, your ‘type’ sucks, son.” (Air quotes)
I choke on my laugh. “What?”
“You heard me. Your ‘type’ sucks. Just like Henry’s used to suck and Keith, well Keith had a good eye. That’s how he got Beth.”
“What about David?” I ask to get her off of me.
“Same thing. His ‘type’ sucks.” (More air quotes.)
“Enough with the air quotes, mom. I get it.”
“Do you? Do you really? I don’t have to look far for a great example. Sophia was not Henry’s ‘type.' But, have you ever seen your brother so happy?”
“No. I know mom. Sophie 's great.”
“It’s more than that, honey. Sophie takes care of Henry. She gives him balance, and part of that is because they’re so different. She’s soft to his hard. She’s gentle to his rough. Does that make sense?”
I am listening to my mom, and it’s like she’s describing Roni and me.
“You boys that have chosen women similar to yourselves have been miserable. Look at David and Jennifer. She’s razor sharp to his hard. She’s rough to his course. Before yesterday, I’d never seen David so unhappy.”
“What? He’s happy today? He just kicked her out of his house. He wants a divorce. How can he be happy about that?”
“Because Michael. She wasn’t the right one for him. I think he sees Henry and Keith and wants what they have. Don’t you want that?”
“Mom, honestly, I don’t want any of that. No relationship, no kids, none of it.”
“Michael Francis Flynn, now you listen to me! You have always wanted a family. When you were little, you used to tell me how much you wanted to have lots and lots of kids.”
“Ma! I did not!”
“Don’t you talk back to me, young man. I can still paddle your bottom.”
I groan. Jesus, how emasculating is this gonna get? “Mom, I did not talk about that shit with you.”
“Language! Well, I see that this conversation is falling on deaf ears. Very well. I guess all I can do is let you get there on your own. I only hope it happens before I die.” Mom stands up and walks toward the door. Smiling again, she says, “Just think about what I said, Mick.”
What? She never calls me Mick. What’s up with that? “I will mom. I will.” I stand up and wrap my arms around her. I kiss the top of her head. “Now, I need to get back to work.”
“Fine. I hope to see you and your friend Roni at a Sunday dinner. Soon.”
“Yeah. We’ll see.”
“I love you, Michael. No matter what you’ll always be my baby boy. Don't forget that.”
“I won’t.”
I watch little Mrs. Sarah Flynn walks out of my office, around the bar and out the door. “Damn, I should have walked her to her car.” I jog out after her to do just that.
Chapter 31: Mick
On Monday, I wake up with a pounding headache. It’s not a hangover. Maybe I’m coming down with something. It’s getting cooler outside, so it’s possible. Maybe I should check in with Roni––see
what she thinks.
Me: Hey, are you busy?
I wait a few minutes. She usually responds right away.
Me: You must be. Text or call when you have time.
I hold my phone in my hand for a while but still no response. She must be busy at work. I get up and grab my towel and head to the shower. I’ve got some work to do early today, and then I babysit tonight.
Ah, Katie. I know what Roni said was true. My subconscious probably had me thinking Katie was mine. I’m not crazy. I know she’s not. But, there is a connection between us, but our relationship is just going to be the favorite uncle, favorite niece. I can live with that.
After my shower, I cook myself an egg white omelet and make a plan for the day. As I’m about to take my first bite, I hear my phone chime. “Text!” I hope its Roni. I grab the phone from on top of my bed and read.
Sophie: Hey Mick. My class is canceled for tonight so you don’t need to babysit. Plan on next week, though. Okay?
Me: Sure thing. Thanks for letting me know.
Damn it. Now what do I do? “Ah ha!”
Me: Roni? What are you doing tonight? My babysitting services aren’t needed tonight so do you want to get together? We could watch some Netflix and chill.
Yeah, I know what that means. I realize I’m asking her to get naked with me tonight. Let’s see what she says.
I wait, peering down at my phone for longer than is cool. “Why isn’t she answering me?” Maybe she’s in some meetings. Yeah, I’m sure that’s it.
Since I no longer have a strict schedule, I decide to head to the gym. I need to work off some of this shit from the weekend. Plus, I’ve neglected my workout routine so much I think I’m getting fat. Case in point, my jeans were tight yesterday. I grab my duffle and head out the door.
Me: Do you think I’ve gained weight? My jeans were so tight yesterday I could barely button them. Am I getting a Dad-bod? **shudder** I guess that’s what I get for drinking beer three out of four nights last week. Right? LOL