by J. Round
“We’ve got to keep searching.”
“Do we?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
It was a good question. We’d already covered practically every square inch of the island.
“It’s clear no one’s coming back anytime soon, at least not with this storm outside, so I have a proposal.”
I kept the scowl. “I’m listening.”
“Let’s cross something off your list.”
“My list?”
Oh, that list.
And there was that odd grin again, wistful and reckless, his right eye on fire, half-winking above.
I lost myself in his eyes for a moment and somehow managed to claw my way out of them to produce a sentence.
I spun around and paced on the spot. “The DNB was just something stupid I came up with. No one was supposed to see it. Now the whole damn school knows.” The words echoed even louder in irony.
Logan caught me by the shoulders and spun me around to face him. He made no effort to let go. He held firm. Something inside me stopped at that moment. Time hung and all I could do was stand there in a stupor.
Finally, he released his hands. “It’s not stupid. In fact, I think it’s perfect. You don’t think we need a break? Besides, no one’s going to see us, especially with the storm outside.”
I looked at the pool and realization came crashing in like a tidal wave. “Oh, no, no, you’re not seriously asking me to–”
“Yes, yes I am,” he said, puffing himself up to full height and lifting his head. “Let’s go skinny-dipping, right here, right now.”
I stepped back and threw my arms around, eyes wide and incredulous. “Are – you – insane. We’re stuck here, probably as the rest of school is getting their brains sucked out by some alien race, and you want to go skinny-dipping. What if someone came back, or found us?”
“What if they did?” He was walking around me, questioning. “What’s the worst that could happen? We get detention for a month, a year. And nothing’s going to be out there in weather like this. It beats walking around in circles.”
I was wary and looked him straight in the eyes. “You just want to see me with my clothes off.”
He put his hand to his heart and stood at salute. “I swear I won’t look, not even a tiny bit, and I’ll go all the way with you.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“You know what I mean.”
“Sure do.”
The rain shifted up a notch, hammering against the windows in a percussive slurry.
Logan moved closer. “I know how it seems, but I just want to help you out. Imagine crossing that stuff off. How good would that feel, to be wild and spontaneous for once, to just let it all go, all hang out?”
Another raised eyebrow.
“Not the best analogy, but you know what I’m talking about. If you don’t do anything just completely reckless, out of control ever again, do this one thing. I won’t tell a single soul.”
It still sounded ludicrous in the circumstance, but I had to admit Logan had a strange effect of me. He was fire, and try as I might, I just couldn’t stop myself from reaching out and being burnt.
When was the last time I’d completely let go? I was always so paranoid, so careful not to lash out lest I flare up and knock out someone’s teeth. Socially, my life constantly hung in the balance, a continual tug-of-war between fending off fuckwits and trying to make do with anyone stupid enough to befriend me.
A day or two ago I’d felt the release, the feeling of something fresh and unopened, running off into the night like that. True, I’d been bitch-slapped by my supposed BFFs on the beach, but they’d disappeared with everyone else. Now I was here, alone, with Logan. That said something in itself. Why couldn’t I just do it? Why did I have to shield myself away, shave away any kind of spontaneity in my life? I deserved a little time out.
I pushed the disappearance aside. I felt oddly detached from myself, which worked. I was not myself, after all. I was Kat, and Kat could do whatever she wanted.
“Fine,” I agreed, “on my terms.” I couldn’t even believe what I was saying it was so out of character.
“Sorry?” Logan wasn’t expecting it either.
“I’ll do it.”
“You’ll do it.”
“Yep.”
“Okay, let’s go then.”
“Let’s.”
“You’re sure you want to do this?” He didn’t sound so sure himself.
Did I? I honestly couldn’t say. My toes tingled. My whole body felt tight and tense. I thought back to the diary. I thought of how I had come up with that first line, probably watching some C-grade chick flick.
It was a chance to let go, total freedom. That’s what I wanted, wasn’t it? Who cares if everyone was missing? Didn’t that make it better, more reckless?
“I want to do it,” I muttered, walking past him to nowhere in particular, just keen to move as opposed to standing still doubting myself.
My body started back-flipping on my brain. This was madness. It was weird of him to suggest it, too. His silence almost made me think he was quietly re-thinking the idea as well, yet neither of us spoke out, our only company the rat-a-tat-tat of rain overhead.
I liked wearing clothes. I imagine most people did.
“I think the girls’ changing room is over there,” Logan said, jogging ahead of me and pointing down past the columns.
“If anyone comes while we’re in, make a run for it.”
This did little to appease my fast-declining courage.
“Where will you be?”
“I’ll get changed – undressed – over in the boys’ changing room. I assume you don’t want to come out together, so I’ll come out first, jump in and yell out. I won’t look, and the towels are in the backpack on the bench here. Okay?”
I feigned casualness. “No problem.”
We headed in separate directions. My heart rate tripled as soon as Logan was out of sight. I walked into the girls’ change-room feeling about and sat down against the lockers trying to catch my breath. It was darker there, sheltered and private.
I heard a splash outside. Logan shouted something and I silently cursed him for rushing me along. I stood up and started undressing, laying my clothes out on a seat near the door exactly the way I was wearing them in case they needed to go back on in a hurry. The only thing I left on was Mom’s necklace. I never took it off. I didn’t have a hair-tie. I’d just have to make do.
Soon I was standing there naked. It was cool and completely unnatural, which was funny when I thought about it. I could hear sound beyond the door.
I had lost my mind. I was sure of it.
Ideally, the best way to approach the situation was to run and jump in, limbs akimbo and loose bits flailing like a completely free spirit. That was how they’d do it in the movies. It would be spur of the moment, a couple of teenagers going for a midnight dip in the woods – only to be hacked to pieces by some crazy guy in a hockey mask. Real good. Naked and dead.
Instead, I poked my head around the change-room entrance. My body was pressed up as close as it could to the cold wall.
“Don’t look,” I announced, as loud as I could muster. My voice bounced off the windows and walls, reverberating with the rain and turning into something alien.
That was the right word. I felt so incredibly strange standing here in this situation. Vulnerable – even better. I shook, more from the thought of stepping out than the actual cold. I had goose-bumps in places I didn’t even know you could get them, and while there were maybe only fifteen feet to the pool, it might as well of been five hundred.
“I’m not looking, see. I’m covering my eyes,” Logan shouted back.
The pool room was dark. Blue light danced on the ceiling, the walls and windows. Mist reached up off the surface. Logan was more of a shape than anything else. His body bounced up and down in the water, but with the ripples it was like looking into a broken mirror and certainly not the full-
frontal peep-show I’d managed to conjure up in my mind’s eye earlier.
“Okay,” I said, stepping out from behind the wall and walking towards the pool. “Don’t turn around. I mean it.”
I crept forward in little steps to the pool’s edge with my arms wrapped around my upper and lower halves just in case.
The tiles were ice cold as I padded along them. Everything smelt of chlorine. There was such a strong current of energy running though me I was scared by jumping into water I’d electrocute myself. I gave up my feeble attempt at modesty, let my arms go wide and dove head first into the water.
It was the obvious the pool was heated, but this was like a bath. I surfaced, dragging hair out of my face and eyes. My legs kicked beneath me. I did feel free. I was dizzy with it.
Logan turned to face me, casually bobbing over. He kept his eyes on mine, not letting them fall below the waterline, but there was nothing to be seen thanks to the play of light on the surface abstracting everything below. Even so, I kept my arms out in front of me protectively.
“How does it feel?” he asked, breathing through the words.
“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” I responded, everything coming out staccato from the effort of keeping myself afloat.
“I can’t either,” he replied.
Something occurred to me. “Hang on, how do I know you’re not just wearing trunks under there?”
“How do I know you’re not wearing bottoms?”
“Because you have my word, that’s why.”
“And you have mine. Isn’t that good enough?”
This was a critical question, one of trust and certainty, make or break. It was funny. I’d only known Logan for a day or two at most, but the more time I spent with him the more comfortable I felt. This was new, being able to let go and trust someone completely. I mean, I was naked in a pool with him. That said it all.
“I trust you,” I replied, though it came out weak.
“Good. Then I get to ask you one question, anything I like. Then you can ask me one. Deal?”
He was gliding around in front of me, water rising up against his chest as he did so.
I sunk down in the water so only my eyes were showing, predatory.
I bobbed up again. “Just one.”
Logan drew his hand across the water. “As you wish. So, what were you dreaming about last night?”
It was unexpected, but no less dangerous in its implications.
“You’ve got to be completely honest,” he said, as if sensing I was preparing to strip away small truths from my story.
I drew in a breath, smoky wisps rushing in with it. “Remember how I said I punched someone, they fell through a window at my old school yadda-yadda? It was about that.”
Better out than in.
“Who was she?”
“Why do you think it’s a girl?”
Logan swam out further. “A hunch.”
All in.
“It was a teacher, actually.”
Truthfully, I expected shock on his face, admittance I was mentally disturbed. He just stayed there centered in front of me, emotion checked, expression urging me on.
“She accused me of something I didn’t do, got all worked up. I called her a fucking cow. She said something back, and I snapped.”
Logan pushed away with his arms. “Was she alright?”
The sight of her lying there flashed into my head. It was gone just as soon.
“She was pretty cut up, nothing major. There was a lot of blood, that’s all.”
Logan stroked past me before circling closer.
“You don’t strike me as the violent type, but there is something there. When I first saw you I knew you were different, not in a bad way or anything, just different, determined. What did she accuse you of?”
I laughed. “That’s another question, and you only get one, remember?”
“You got me.” He came closer still. I instinctively backed away with my legs. Self-consciousness swept over me. I drew myself tight together in the water.
“My turn,” I said.
He put his palm out. “Continue.”
I thought about it. “Actually, I’m going to save it.”
He dipped his head. “Suit yourself.”
We swam around slowly for a while, testing the waters you might say. The rain had dropped in intensity, but there was still a resounding hollowness to the room that made it feel completely isolated from the outside world.
I had no doubt in my mind now there was something between us. But that was just it. I didn’t know what to make of it or how to respond. There was always self-esteem reeling me back. You’re not good enough. Your hair’s too thick. You’re not funny and no-one in a sane frame of mind would think otherwise. This is what I told myself. And then I’d remember where we were, what was happening and a knot would ball up in my chest I couldn’t untie no matter how hard I looked for distraction.
Logan kicked out in front of me in a powerful action, scooping into the water with his hands, his shoulders rolling in and out. Every now and then one of his butt cheeks would float up like a baby white whale and I was helpless to suppress laughter. He somersaulted back over to face me, too quick to make anything out, a scandalous smile panning out across his face.
“I saw everything,” I said, a lie.
“You saw absolutely nothing and you know it,” he responded, kicking back towards me.
I twisted a strand of hair together and pulled it back over my ear.
In the back of my mind I was waiting for the lights to come back on, exposing us. Strangers would rush through the door. We’d be helpless.
There was a thrill in it. I was in that perpetual state of nervousness you get waiting for a roller-coaster, and damned as it may be, three-thirds of me was enjoying it.
I noticed we were closer than ever. I hadn’t really moved around much, but the markings on the pool’s edge gave me the impression there was no shallow end. My legs were tiring. I could feel Logan’s kicking away just ahead of me. I caught his eyes.
We stared at each other for the longest time. My mind wandered.
Logan’s eyes were asking me to open up, and not out of guilt or pity. But I was scared that by looking too far into them I might well give over completely and in the process lose the comfort being on the fringe of life allowed.
God, I was serious sometimes, though the bare body below was telling a different story. I was impressed with myself for going through with it. Still, some part of me didn’t fully trust Logan’s motives, regardless of the fact he’d been nothing but a gentlemen since we’d hit the water.
“Have you done this before?” I asked, carefully.
He gave a little pout and shook his head from side to side. Had it not have been for the fact it was immeasurably cute, I would have been furious. I splashed water at him instead, subconsciously trying to keep any dangly bits below water.
He shook it off and ran his fingers through his hair. “To be honest, I’m amazed you went through with it.”
I took this little gold star with glee, trying to force the smile away but powerless to prevent it come through.
“There’s a lot about me you don’t know,” I said, with a wink. It sounded massively cliché and a little stupid, but he smiled, big, wide and all-encompassing.
“I could say the same. I’m a real box of surprises,” he said, raising his eyebrows up and down in a quick double-take.
I rested my back against the edge of the pool, gripping onto the small shelf with my fingers and listening to the water slurp in and out of the trough that ran around the edge.
“How long have we been in?” I asked.
“Maybe half an hour. We’ll start to prune soon.”
“I guess we should get out.”
“You first.”
“No, you,” I replied, splashing water in his face.
“Ladies first. That’s the rule.”
“Fine, but you’ve got to look away again. Promise?”<
br />
He gave me a little salute. I quietly quivered at the definition in his arm. Sports or not, he was well-toned.
He rolled his body over, started stroking to the far windows. I suddenly felt cold.
I breast-stroked – how true that was – my way back to the far-left side of the pool, gliding up to it and lifting myself out of the water as smoothly as I could before making my way to the change-room. I looked back briefly.
Logan was there, facing the opposite direction with his elbows up on the tiles. I was thankful he was looking away, but somewhere inside me I was also hoping he’d have one eye on the reflection in the window.
6. SHOCK
People assume that because I have two different-colored eyes, I am, therefore, two people trapped inside one body. I have felt that way before. I’m not talking about bipolar or anything, but just that I’ve got two distinct sides. There’s a green-eyed rage on one, arctic blue placidity on the other. I was currently, without question, the latter. I couldn’t have cared less we were still here alone.
I lay on my side in bed examining the small squares in the ceiling, Logan in Jemma’s bed beside me. I had to admit I was comforted by his presence. It kept the buzz going. All I had to do was slip out of bed, kneel beside him, put my lips to his and that would be it. So simple.
Unfortunately, reality is distinctly different to images we compile in semi-consciousness. It held me back like a rat trap. Will myself all I could, there was little chance I would ever actually make the move required. Instead, as always, I waited for a sign, for safety.
Crossing out goal number one on the DNB did feel good. I instantly felt more open, more reckless even, despite our predicament.
Last night I was skinny-dipping, completely nude, with Logan, who is hot. Me, I was skinny-dipping. I’d done things people might call crazy, stupid crazy, but I’d been pushed hard into them, and over a long period of time. Logan had spoken all but a few words and I’d ended up, well, swimming with him.
I smiled and let out a muffled laugh into my pillow. He had a certain power over me, a dangerous power. Was that an entirely good thing? Probably not. Did I care? Hell. No. I. Did. Not.
He wasn’t exploiting me. I was fairly sure of that. He could have looked last night. That would have been easy. Darker still, he could have plain out taken advantage of me. Given Xavier, he wouldn’t have been the first to try, but I could handle myself.