by Tia Siren
I laughed humorlessly. “Maybe next Thanksgiving I’ll be far away from here, living my life as a teacher, not shuttling myself back to New York and having to listen to our father tell me how much of a disappointment I am.”
“Why did you miss Thanksgiving anyway?”
“You know I had to study for the finals I had right before leaving for Christmas,” I said. “I had four finals in two days. I knew I wouldn’t get any studying done here. There are too many distractions, especially during the holidays.”
“I think that’s an excuse,” she said. “Not that I blame you. I know this family can be a complete disaster.”
“It was kind of an excuse and the truth at the same time,” I said. “It’s no secret that Dad and I aren’t exactly seeing eye to eye right now. The last thing I wanted was to come home and deal with that while I was thinking about the exams I had coming up. Senior year is hard—harder than I thought it would be. I can’t afford to screw up even a little bit. I’m slated to be valedictorian. Do you know how big of a deal it is to get that honor from Harvard? I’ll go down in history. I’ll be able to work at any school or any college, even Harvard itself. Of course, I’ll have to get a PhD to work at Harvard, but I’d totally do it to be a professor there.”
“Well, after my first semester, I’m starting to get nervous about going to law school in four years,” she said. “It’s definitely a change from the academy, although I couldn’t imagine going from public school to Harvard. I never would have been prepared.”
“It’s definitely a balancing act,” I said, smiling. “But you’re doing great.”
“You’ve been busting your ass for the last three and a half years. You need to let loose a little in your last year,” she said. “At least do so here at home when you don’t have any deadlines or assignments to take care of.”
I snorted. “Yeah. I’m not so sure about that one. Letting loose has never really been in my vocabulary. In fact, I’m not sure I have ever let loose.”
Taryn shook her head and laughed, knowing I wasn’t the type of girl who ever let loose or threw caution to the wind. There was only one time I could think of in recent years, and that had Will written all over it. Taryn was the one person who knew everything about me. Well, almost everything. I felt completely terrible for keeping a secret from her. I always had. I didn’t care about people knowing about my life, but I knew that no matter what I had going on, Taryn would be there to support me. This secret, though, it had its price, and I couldn’t tell Taryn. Not yet at least. I needed to take care of other things first, get my head straight, and know how to even put the words together in order to tell it to her.
I leaned back and replayed what had happened in the hallway. It had all been so fast, and I knew I had spouted off without thinking. Seeing him had brought more emotions welling up inside me than I had expected. I had thought I had completely prepared myself to see him, but when the time arrived, I’d been completely wrong. I was starting to think I should have stayed back in Cambridge between semesters and volunteered to run the soup kitchen or something. I had no idea how I was going to continue to hide my secret from Will, but I knew I had to try. Everything I’d told myself before about how he felt about me was true, and that didn’t make me want to bring him into my inner circle. Everything he had done rang through my head like a loudspeaker, and I couldn’t turn it off. Will didn’t love me. I knew that. I had just been a placeholder for Megan, someone to make him feel whole again.
Somewhere in my mind, I liked the way it had felt to be there taking care of Avery, eating dinner with him and Will, and being a part of things like Avery’s graduation. I knew that if I continued to play that game, I would let go of caring about being a placeholder. I also knew that I couldn’t let myself do that, especially now.
Chapter 21
Will
Seeing Ella was not something I had expected to happen any time soon. Since she hadn’t come home for Thanksgiving, I had half expected her to not show up for Christmas, either. When I’d walked around that corner, my stomach had dropped at the sight of the beautiful woman standing in the hallway. It was almost like I’d been seeing her for the first time—until she blew up on me, that was. I decided to give her a day to get settled in, hoping that would allow her to calm down a bit.
However, as I sat there thinking about her and the day before, I wanted to see her and talk to her. We had so much to go over, so much to be settled, and I was having a difficult time deciding if giving her space was the best thing to do. Everything in my gut told me to say screw it and get her close as quickly as I possibly could.
I picked up my phone and scrolled down to her name. I held my finger over the call button for several minutes before finally deciding to just do it. Surprisingly, she answered on the first ring, and I asked her to come over to the apartment to talk to me. She was obviously hesitant, especially since we had just argued in the hallway. I pretty much had to beg her, telling her that Avery really wanted to see her. It wasn’t a lie. Avery was already asking when she would be coming over. That was exactly what she needed, though, to give in to my request. I wasn’t going to feel bad about it. I needed to be around her, and so did Avery. He had grown more attached to her than anyone I had seen before.
After she agreed to come over, I got up and jogged to my room, changing my clothes, brushing my teeth, and fixing my hair as fast as possible. I spritzed some cologne onto my shirt and stopped, looking at myself in the mirror. I hadn’t even realized how nervous I was to see Ella. Butterflies fluttered through my stomach, and I kept obsessing over the shirt I was wearing. I’d never felt as nervous about seeing anyone as I did in that moment, and I knew that no matter how much I wanted to ignore it, it meant something.
When Ella arrived, Avery went straight to the door and opened it up before pulling her inside. I walked out of my room and smiled nervously at Ella, who was bent down talking to Avery about what he wanted for Christmas. She stopped when I came out and stood up, smiling awkwardly at me.
“We’re going to lunch,” Avery said with excitement. “I want to sit next to you.”
“I think we can make that happen,” she said, ruffling his hair.
We left the apartment and climbed into one of my cars, which was sitting out front waiting for us. I took them to a small café outside Manhattan, hoping it would be a lot less busy than the ones in the city. It was tourist season, and everything within the confines of Manhattan was extremely busy. I had also picked the restaurant because I knew it was one of Ella’s favorites. She had eaten there many times. I remembered her telling me that the last time she’d come down. We hadn’t had time to go then, so I thought now might be the perfect time for it.
When we got to the restaurant, I noticed that Ella was acting strangely. Not strange as in distant or cold, but strange in a way I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I tried to ignore it, figuring she had a lot on her mind and being at lunch with me probably wasn’t on her list of things that made her feel comfortable.
I stared down at the menu, trying to decide what to order, while Avery talked his head off, telling us all about Santa Claus and how he would be coming soon. When the waitress appeared, Ella gave her order first.
“I’ll have the fettucine alfredo with mushrooms,” she said, handing the waitress her menu and then turning to me. “I don’t know if I’ve ever eaten anything different here. That is, like, my all-time favorite dish, and they never seem to fail at it. I’m pretty sure I’ve eaten their fettucine a million times since I was a girl. My father used to bring us here all the time when we lived in the Greek District before his firm got so big and we moved to the penthouse.”
“All right,” I said, looking at the waitress. “If the lady says it’s amazing, then I’ll have the same.”
We enjoyed an appetizer, and I offered Ella some wine, but she turned it down, not giving a reason. She did, however, order a cup of decaf coffee, and I teased her about it. She just laughed and shook her head, changing t
he subject back to Christmas and what Avery was planning to do all day. I wasn’t sure why she was picky about certain subjects, but I just let it go, figuring she had her reasons. When the food came, we were all excited. I hadn’t seen Ella that hungry before. I assumed she had been so busy at her house that she hadn’t had a chance to eat.
However, when she tried her food, she made a face before sadly calling the waitress over. She apologized profusely but told her that it tasted strange and asked if she could order something different. Of course they obliged, but I couldn’t help but notice that mine was absolutely delicious. I figured that maybe she’d just gotten a bad batch somehow. She ordered something else, and I sat talking with her about school as we waited for her food to arrive. Avery dug into his children’s pizza, laughing when he got sauce all over his face. That kid sure did know how to make an awkward situation less uncomfortable.
When Ella’s food arrived, I thought she would dig in, but she sat playing with Avery, just barely picking at her plate and yet commenting on how full she was. I wondered if she had developed an eating disorder since she looked a bit peaked and frail. She still looked as beautiful as ever, but I couldn’t help but notice there was something different about her. It was almost as if she had become more mature, more feminine even, but from the outside there wasn’t much different except the fact that her hips were even more accentuated. I would be lying if I said there wasn’t a bit of worry going on in my head for her. Maybe I was just looking for something that would explain her emotional behavior, but my gut told me I wasn’t making this up.
“Are you excited to be almost done with school?” I asked.
“I am,” she said with a smile. “Though I don’t know if I’m going to survive this last semester. I’ve never dreaded going to school, but it’s definitely a thought in the back of my head. I know that when I get back, there will be so much to do to survive my last few months.”
“I’m sure you’ll do just fine.” I smiled. “And when you get to walk across that stage, it will feel even better because of the fight you put up to get through it. At least that was how I felt when my company finally started to work on its own. The blood, sweat, and tears were worth it to me, and they felt good at that moment.”
“I’m sure you are right,” she said kindly. “At least, I sure hope you are.”
“Would you come back to my apartment after this?” I asked, paying the bill. “I’d like to have a chance to sit down and talk to you.”
“Sure,” she replied, her eyes darting away from mine.
I signed the receipt for lunch, cleaned Avery up, and then we headed back out to the car. As we drove along, I noticed how distracted Ella was, but I let it go, knowing there was nothing I could do about it. I was probably the last person she wanted to confide in. When we got back to the apartment, I let Avery pick out a movie and sat him down with his blanket and a snack. Ella and I went into my office and sat down to talk. I stared over at her as she looked down at her hands clasped in her lap. There was definitely something going on, and I cared about Ella, so whether she liked it or not, I was going to ask her.
“What is going on with you?” I asked in a concerned tone. “You just seem completely distracted.”
“I just have a lot on my plate right now,” she said. “Even here at home, the responsibilities don’t stop. My father expects a lot out of Taryn and me, and that’s just as stressful as the exams and projects I have to do all the time. It never seems like I have time to just relax. I want to be like Avery, with popcorn, a blanket, and a movie. But really, that’s all it is. I’m just incredibly busy, and my mind never stops.”
“It makes me worry about you,” I said. “I noticed even at the restaurant you were off-kilter. Have you talked to anyone at school about it? Maybe they have some ways they can help you destress. It’s not healthy to be wound so tightly. Eventually, you will snap.”
“Look, Will,” she said, leaning forward with a smirk, “though I appreciate you worrying, and I understand why you wanted to have some time to talk, that is not why I am here. I agreed to lunch because of Avery, and that is it. He wanted to see me, and there was no way I was going to turn him down.”
“I understand that,” I said sadly. “I knew when you agreed to come over that it was for Avery and not for me. I have to be honest, though. I really miss being with you, and not just sexually, but being around you, having you as a friend and a confidant. You had grown to be a staple in my life, and Avery’s, too. When you left, and since you have been gone, things have just not felt the same. The apartment is silent, and that light you bring to it—well, it just hasn’t been here.”
“Stop,” she said, shaking her head. “Just stop. Nothing has changed, Will. Nothing. The last time we saw each other was the end of whatever this was. It was the end of something that should have never started in the first place. I appreciate that you missed me, and there was a part of me that missed you, too, for a long time, but things are different now. I have a future to think about, and that future needs to be strong and stable. I think this might have been a mistake.”
“Ella,” I said as she stood up and grabbed her coat.
“Good-bye,” she said, walking out of the office.
I sat there listening as she said good-bye to Avery and closed the door to the apartment behind her. Nothing was making any sense, including the way she was acting. Instead of this meeting bringing clarity to the situation, I was now left feeling even more confused and frustrated.
Chapter 22
Ella
I ran my fingers across the top of the hangers perched on the racks in the middle of the floor. Taryn was trying on a dress, and I had yet to find anything. We were out shopping for the Christmas party that was coming up that weekend. It was a big charity ball that we always went to with our parents. All of the richest people in New York and beyond would be there, talking, showing how rich they were, and silently judging everyone else who was in attendance. It was just the thing my parents loved but Taryn and I absolutely hated. This year I could sneak Taryn alcohol to make the night a little easier on her.
The biggest thing on my mind was not the dancing, the food, or the wine. It was the fact that Will would most likely be there. I remembered seeing the invitation sitting on his counter when I had been at his house on Sunday. He was one of the richest men in the country, so it was only natural that they would request his presence. I was nervous about being there at the same time as Will. I needed to pick a dress, and I knew I wanted to look absolutely gorgeous. At the same time, I wanted class to emanate from my every move, showing Will that I was no longer pining away for him and hiding in my own sadness. I wasn’t wallowing in self-pity anymore. I had too many other things to think about. I was, however, still pining away for him in one way or another, even if I refused to admit it to myself.
What I really wanted to do was look radiant and confident, showing Will that I was strong and independent. I wanted everyone to see me as my own person and not just my father’s daughter. I wanted Will to know that I wasn’t a little girl anymore and that life had pushed me to the next stage, something I was happy and sad about. In the midst of my concern for how Will saw me, I was holding in my secret, and it was becoming extremely difficult to do so.
I was pregnant, and Will was the father. I had found out shortly after leaving the last time, and I had been so knocked over by the shock that I had called out of classes and gotten special treatment from my professors by letting them know that I was struggling with something. I was top in my class so they had happily obliged.
It was difficult to feel hot and sexy anymore, especially with the morning sickness that was still plaguing me throughout the day. It was hard for me to feel anything but terrified about what my future was now going to hold. It was terribly difficult to focus when I was at school, which was half the reason I was finding my last semester to be so challenging. While I was supposed to be focusing on my studies, my mind was constantly rolling over the fact that I had
a child growing inside me. It wasn’t very conducive to an educational setting.
I walked over to the racks on the side wall and started to sift through the dresses, my mind anywhere but present. I thought about the baby, and I thought about the moment I had found out I was pregnant. I had been at the dorm, sick as a dog, with my back aching and my breasts tender. Taryn had come by with some soup. She’d made a joke about me being pregnant, and although I had played it off like she was insane, as soon as she left, I panicked.
I went into town and bought a test, taking it as soon as I got back to the dorms. The moment it read “pregnant,” I knew my life was going to change forever. I spent the next week trying to decide what exactly I wanted to do, but in the end, I knew my only choice was to keep the baby. I loved children too much to abort the baby. I would never forgive myself for it. From that moment on, I went into secretive mode, barely seeing Taryn and staying holed up in my room or hurrying back and forth to class. It was a very lonely period.
Right before Thanksgiving, my morning sickness had been so bad that I could barely make it through class. Most of the time I would make sure to only have saltines or toast in my system, I’d barely sip water, and I would race out as soon as class was over. I did all of my work from my bed, wrapped in a blanket, eating ginger candy and being thankful that I had my own dorm room for my senior year. When Taryn came knocking, I would sit very still, pretending I wasn’t there. If she had seen me pale and fragile like I had been at that time, I wouldn’t have been able to hide my secret from her, and I needed to, at least for a little while. Now the morning sickness wasn’t too hard on me anymore. It tended to flare up every now and again, but mostly when I either had an empty stomach or I ate something my body didn’t like, which was what had happened with the fettucine the other night. The only way I could explain it, though, was by saying it tasted funny.