by Tia Siren
“I do,” I said. “I guess maybe I’m just still in shock. My mind hasn’t moved past the part about me having another child. It feels completely surreal, like I dreamed the whole thing. I wasn’t prepared to hear that kind of news, and I hurt Ella because of it. That’s something I never wanted to do, but I seem to be pretty good at it. It’s like I’m tripping over my feet at every turn. I’m trying to remember that this is affecting Ella a lot more right now than it is me, but it’s still a huge thing in my life.”
“Of course it is,” my mother said, smiling. “No one is disputing that. It’s big for everyone involved.”
“I’m not worried about me. I know I’ll adapt. But I am worried a bit about Ella. She has been working toward this future that she was hellbent on having, and this may make it difficult for her. Just now she was able to find some sort of peace with her family, and that only came when her father went down from a heart attack. She has so many things going on in her life that will change because of this, and I worry that she won’t have the same kind of support from her family that I have from you. I’m afraid she’ll feel alone and rejected.”
“So you make sure that she isn’t alone and rejected,” she said. “That child’s well-being goes beyond clothes and diapers. It’s also attached to the well-being of its mother. Now I’m not saying you need to be in a relationship if it isn’t right in your heart, but you never let her fall on her face. She is going to need to know that no matter what happens with her family, you are there to lean on.”
“I understand,” I said, finally feeling a tiny bit better. “Mom, can you do me a favor?”
“Anything,” she said, patting my leg.
“Would you take Avery for a while?” I asked. “I want to have a space for Ella and I to talk, to work through things, and to show her that this doesn’t have anything to do with me needing her help with Avery. I also want to wait to tell Avery about everything until it’s straight with Ella and me. I need to keep his life as stable as possible.”
“That’s not a problem,” she said. “Just remember that you’re allowed to keep living your life, loving, and forging forward. Megan would have had it no other way.”
“I know.” I took a deep breath. “I finally know that.”
Chapter 32
Ella
The chair in the living room of my parents’ house was my new favorite place to sit and think about life. That was exactly where I was when my cell phone rang and Will’s contact information popped up on the screen. At first I didn’t want to answer, but I knew I needed to. In the future, no matter how much I didn’t want to talk to him, I would have to for the baby. I figured I might as well start then.
“Hello?”
“Hi,” he said in a solemn tone. “How are you?”
“I’ve been better and I’ve been worse,” I said. “Just trying to take a breather.”
“Understandable,” he replied. “Would you come over tonight? Avery will be at my mother’s, and I would like a chance to talk to you.”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I just got calmed down from yesterday’s talk about two hours ago. No matter how much I want to resolve things, I have to think about my health, because whatever I am feeling, this baby is feeling it, too. I think it’s important that I stay as even-keeled as I can right now. It doesn’t do me, or this baby, any good for me to get as upset as I got last night. I felt sick all night and all morning because of it.”
“I know,” he said, sighing. “I’m sorry for that. I need to help you stay calm and collected, not be the reason you’re struggling. I just think it would be better to sit down and go through things now than it would be to wait. I think you’ll feel better as well.”
“I guess it wouldn’t hurt, but it depends on what you want to talk about,” I said. “If it’s accusatory or questioning my honor, then I don’t need to discuss it anymore.”
“Nothing like that, I promise you,” he said. “We need to talk about the baby, yes, but it doesn’t need to be like yesterday. I’ve had time to process, calm myself down, and talk about it with my mother, who always has amazing insight on things. I just have to go to work for a little while and take care of some loose ends so that I can be uninterrupted when we talk.”
“All right,” I said. “Text me when you’re on your way home.”
“Great,” I replied. “I’ll pick up some pizza for dinner. And don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything at any time. Okay?”
“Yes,” I said, sighing.
The rest of the day, I pretty much just stayed in that chair, covered in a fleece blanket, watching the snow float past the windows. Usually, the first snow would get me all excited, but today I felt forlorn and lost. When I got the text from Will that he was almost home, I peeled myself from that spot and headed over to his place. Of course, the first thing my pregnant, hungry ass did was take in a big whiff of the pizza he had picked up on the way home. It was crazy just how hungry I was, and the baby wasn’t even big enough to be wanting any of my food yet besides a few nutrients here and there. Still, I was starving as soon as I walked in the door.
“I wasn’t sure what you would be in the mood for,” he said, setting the boxes down. “I got your favorite, ham and pineapple, and then I got a plain cheese in case you weren’t feeling adventurous today.”
“Thank you,” I said, feeling more nervous than hungry all of a sudden.
I hated how there was an impending sense of doom every time I had to sit down with Will now. It was like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. We sat down at the table to eat. Well, sort of. We both just kind of sat there in silence, picking at the pizza on our plates. It was awkward and uncomfortable, and where lust used to sit like a fog between us, the unsaid words and unknown feelings lingered there instead. I knew he had thought about what he wanted to say today, and I was trying to be accommodating and calm since I knew this was hard for both of us. Everything in me wanted to be happy, but it was almost impossible with everything going on.
“What did you want to talk about?” I said, needing to get rid of the silence.
“I want you to know that I am here,” he said. “And I will continue to be here to support our child no matter what. I know it’s hard for you to believe, but I’m not completely devastated by this news. My mother’s sentiments ring true. Children are an amazing thing, and it’s not this child’s fault that we haven’t found a common space between us.”
“You know,” I said, wanting to give him every opportunity to back out, “it’s okay if you don’t want to be involved. I know how much of a life-changer this is going to be, and I’m fully ready to take this on even if I have to go it alone. I’m sure my family will be supportive and caring. They’ll be there for both of us, for whatever we need, along the way. I will never be, nor will our child ever be, left out in the cold. My relationship with my father may be up and down, but he and my mother would never abandon me. In the end, I would much rather you not be involved if it’s just out of a sense of obligation rather than actual love. The child needs to feel loved no matter what, and I don’t want it to grow up wondering why its father seems to be there only for the things it needs and not out of love. I have felt that with my own father from time to time, and it is excruciating and debilitating at times.”
Will was tense now. His expression had gone from calm and caring to irritated in a heartbeat. I wasn’t purposely trying to be mean. I was just being honest. I wanted to give him the opportunity to back out if that was what he needed to do. I couldn’t allow him to come into our lives and disrupt it. I couldn’t live as we were for the next eighteen years. I also didn’t want his on-again, off-again mentality to leak over to our child. He needed to be absolutely sure.
“Stop,” I said firmly but calmly. “I can see the irritation written all over your face. You have no right to be annoyed with me. If you think about the way you’ve acted toward me and, as of last night, toward our child, I have every right to be concerned about how you act toward
it once it comes into this world. I’m giving you an option that most women wouldn’t give the father of their child. I don’t want this to be forced.”
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. His muscles began to relax, the irritation faded from his face, and his hands unfolded in his lap. He was trying to control the outbursts he had when he was confused or angry. He had given this more thought than I had given him credit for before I walked through the doors. The stress was a lot for both of us, and because of that, emotions tended to run high.
“I have to say, you’re right,” he said, finally opening his eyes. “It’s also unfair how I treated you. It was selfish of me and extremely confusing for you to treat what we had as both casual and not. It was unfair of me to be hot and then cold and then hot again in the blink of an eye. I was incredibly confused about my feelings for you, and I didn’t handle it the way I should have.”
“Thank you for that,” I said, offering a friendly smile. “It means a lot just knowing that you recognize that.”
“I do, and I promise I will do better,” he said, looking up at me. “The truth is, I want to prove to you that I value you, and not just as someone who is a good babysitter for Avery. That’s why I asked my mother to watch him for a while, so that you could see that my interest in you is there regardless of my childcare needs.”
“I appreciate it,” I replied.
“I want to prove to you that I deserve to be involved in our child’s life,” he said. “I can completely understand why you are reluctant. I haven’t been the man I should have been to you, but I will not allow myself to be anything less than what our child deserves. It’s vitally important to me that I’m allowed to be a father to our child. This child is just as important and precious as Avery is.”
“It is,” I replied, shaking my head. “Because Avery is Megan’s son, I was afraid you wouldn’t feel that way about our child.”
“Megan has been a ghost in my life ever since she died,” he said. “She is a ghost I created, though. I was desperate to hold on to her in the beginning, but that manifestation quickly turned into nothing more than an excuse for me to live my life in the past. I’m sorry for all of that, and especially for making you feel as if you were nothing more than a distraction from her. I know it’s difficult for you to believe, but I really do have feelings for you. My feelings for you have nothing to do with Avery, Megan, or the past. They have to do with the kind of woman you are.”
“I have to admit—and don’t take this in a bad way—but it’s hard to believe you, although I am excited to see you show me that,” I said.
“I’m excited to get to show you,” he said, looking at me with a smile. “What do your parents think about all of this?”
“They don’t know yet.”
“Really?” he asked. “I would have assumed they would be the first people you told.”
“My sister knows now, but I wanted to get to a solid place with you first,” I replied. “I didn’t want to make everything more complicated with my emotions.”
“I understand, but you need to tell them before you’re showing. I know it’s nerve-racking for you to tell them, but you don’t want to wait.”
“I know,” I said. “Remember, though, that my father just had a heart attack, so I need to carefully pick the right time.”
“I understand,” he said. “And I respect that completely. Let me know what your plans are, and if you want me there, I’ll be there. Sometimes these things are a little easier with a bit of support.”
“Thank you,” I replied.
I reached down and took a bite of my pizza, the nerves that were there before quickly dissipating. Things had gone better than I’d hoped. Still, this was just the beginning, and I hoped he really could make me see his commitment to us.
Chapter 33
Will
For the first time since Ella had come back, I was having a productive morning at work. It was only a week until Christmas, so we were all scrambling to finish the work we needed to before the four-day work holiday began. I always made sure my employees had ample time during the holidays to be with their families. Still, even being productive, the morning could have been going a little better. I was on the phone with one of my subcontractors, and it wasn’t the most pleasant of conversations. This was the side of my job that I really hated—the putting out the fires side of things. I had thought that when I finally owned my own company, I would be able to pay someone to do the dirty work, but I quickly realized that things got done a lot faster when the owner was involved.
My client who almost hadn’t taken the deal, the one who had liked my ability to take charge and tell it like it was, was being put at risk. The contract with the subcontractor was behind schedule, and it was not boding well for him. I didn’t like being an asshole, but when it came to that much money and time, I was going to have to do what I had to do.
“I don’t care what you have to do,” I said loudly. “Get this shit back on track. I want personal updates from you every few hours until we have secured this thing.”
I slammed the phone down and plopped into my chair, looking at the numbers and estimates on the screen. I realized quickly that I was going to have to spend some serious time over the next few days trying to salvage this entire project. A lot of money was at stake, but even more than that, our reputation in the business was teetering on the edge because of this client. I hit the intercom button and asked my assistant to come in.
“How can I help you?”
“This project is going to need all hands,” I said with a sigh. “I’m going to need to speak to the investors, the client, the software company on the ground, and the subcontractors. Here is what I need: one phone conference with each of them separately, and then one with everyone online, except for the client. Make my client’s call come after the team call.”
“Got it,” she said, writing quickly.
She left the room, and I leaned forward, rubbing my face. This couldn’t have come at a more inconvenient time. Like I didn’t have enough to worry about with the new baby, telling Ella’s parents soon, trying to make sure Ella was staying sane, and attempting to reinvent our relationship through trust and being with her whenever I could. It felt like the universe was trying to pile as much as it could on my shoulders to see how much it would take to break me, but I was determined to keep moving forward.
I continued through the day, keeping on top of my game and going through the phone calls I needed to. Late afternoon, just between conference calls, I received a call from Ella. I had been hoping to hear from her, but I didn’t want to bug her, so I didn’t call myself. She sounded tired on the other end of the phone, and I wished she would just relax and get some sleep. No one would say anything to her. She was stubborn, though, and I knew she wasn’t going to sit down for anything.
“Hey,” I said. “How are you feeling?”
“Good,” she said. “Hungry again. How is your day?”
“Insane,” I said. “Big issue with a huge project that I now have to personally get involved with. Fun times.”
“That sucks,” she replied. “So, I have a hair appointment and some last-minute Christmas shopping that I’m heading out to do now, but after that I was planning on getting together with my parents at the apartment and letting my mother, at least, know about the baby. You were right. It needs to be done sooner rather than later.”
“Tonight? Are you sure we can’t do it a little later, or even tomorrow? I just have my investors breathing down my throat and all these calls—” I stopped, hearing nothing on the other end of the line. “Ella?”
She had hung up on me, and I really didn’t blame her. She had been calling for me to be a part of something with her and the baby, and I was already making excuses. I groaned and shook my head, disappointed in myself for not thinking before speaking. I had a serious issue with word vomit lately, and it made me wonder if I’d always had that problem and no one ever told me. I had screwed up badly. There was no wa
y I was going to miss this. I had to figure out a way to multitask the hell out of everything and still get out with enough time to be there for Ella.
“Can you come in here, please?” I asked my assistant through the intercom.
“Yes, sir,” she said before immediately making her way into my office.
“I need you to call the client and tell him we need to see each other this afternoon. Not tonight, not tomorrow, but as soon as you can possibly put it together,” I said. “He can pick anywhere he wants to go. I don’t care. You just can’t let him say no.”
“Yes, sir,” she said. “What if I can’t get reservations where he wants to go? I know he can be a tad picky.”
“Like I said, anywhere he wants to go,” I replied. “You make it work, and if you can’t, come get me, and I’ll move heaven and earth to get us in wherever it is. One day I’ll have clients who like diners and cafés.”
She laughed. “That’ll be the day I finally say that I love my job. I swear, I spend half my time trying to get reservations. All right, I’ll send over a message to your computer with the time.”
“Perfect,” I replied.
Later that afternoon, I found myself sitting at one of the premier lunch spots in the city, thinking about how much I’d had to “donate” to the company in order to get a table. This restaurant was seriously on a six-month waiting list, and that was just for lunch. Dinner was like a year. Either way, I had the client in my grasp, and I might just be able to make it to meet Ella before she had to tell her mother on her own.