I loved the girls too.
But I didn’t have a choice. Not really.
We had agreed our arrangement was temporary, and when Brandon had brought it up in bed, his conclusion had been we couldn’t date. That left us exactly where we were—it was temporary until I got a job.
Now I’d gotten a job.
He’d never even once hinted at having feelings for me that went beyond affection and attraction. It was almost like we were friends with very regular benefits.
Benefits that had to end sooner than later, apparently, because I couldn’t say no to this opportunity.
I wanted to tell the girls, but I didn’t want to ruin Willow’s birthday. Maybe they wouldn’t care. They were used to a revolving door of nannies and maybe I cared more about them than they did me. Which would suck, but would be best for them, frankly. I didn’t want them hurt.
My stomach was churning. I reached for the champagne, then dropped my hand. That was the last thing in the world I needed right now.
I texted my agent.
Awesome. I’m in. Can’t wait.
That was a total lie. I should be excited, but instead I was a ball of anxiety.
I went to bed at eleven after getting an amazing hug from Willow thanking me for a “birthday that didn’t suck.” Brandon wasn’t home yet and I was actually relieved that I didn’t have to face him. I wasn’t sure I had the acting skills to pretend nothing was wrong.
But then I was startled awake a few hours later by the sound of my door opening. “Poppy?” I asked, concerned. It felt like the dead of the night. I’d been dreaming I was trying to perform and couldn’t remember the steps.
“No, it’s me,” Brandon said.
I realized he was coming in from the bathroom. I could see his outline and shape in the darkness moving toward me. “What are you doing? What time is it?”
“It’s four. I just got home and I’m drunk.”
I sighed. For once, I did not want to have sex. Not with a drunk Brandon. Not knowing I was leaving in a matter of days. “Then go to bed,” I said.
He sat heavily down on the mattress. “I want to sleep with you.”
He sounded drunk. His words were slightly slurred.
“I’m not having sex with you drunk at four in the morning.”
“You have before.”
“I was drunk then too and I wasn’t asleep first. Just go to sleep, Brandon.” I reached out to squeeze his arm. I wasn’t annoyed. I was just too emotional right now. I had a feeling I’d start crying the second he was inside me and that would be mortifying.
“Can I sleep with you?” he asked. I heard his shoes land on my floor with a soft thump. “I just want to cuddle, I promise.”
Torn, I didn’t answer. Did I want him to cuddle? Yes. Would it destroy me? Most likely.
The bed was a double, so when he climbed in beside me, after yanking off his T-shirt, we were crammed up on top of each other. He sighed and spooned me, throwing a heavy arm over my side, his large hand resting on my hip. After giving me a kiss that landed on my ear, he murmured, “You’re the best.”
Then within thirty seconds he was asleep, snoring softly.
No more sleep for me. I was wide awake. Debating endlessly in circles. Did I tell him I was in love with him? It wouldn't change anything if I did though. He didn’t love me in return. Even drunk he wasn’t confessing any deep love. He’d said I was the best, which was great, but that didn’t indicate love. Not even close.
If confessions were going to rise to the surface, you’d think it would be while drunk.
I lay there in the dark, sniffling, silent tears running cool streaks down my cheeks.
Once or twice, I’d thought I had a broken heart.
I’d been so wrong.
This was a broken heart. It felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like I had a hole inside of me that not even a thousand donuts could fill. Like being alone wasn’t going to be okay ever again.
I finally drifted off to sleep, only to get woken again by the sound of a knock on my bedroom door. This time it was Poppy.
“Dakota? Are you awake?”
I sat up, panicked, not sure if the door was locked or not. Brandon groaned in the bed besides me. “Yes, are you okay?”
“I had a bad dream and my dad isn’t in his room. I don’t know where he is.” She sounded scared.
“I’ll be right there,” I said.
“Wake up,” I hissed quietly at Brandon.
He opened one bleary eye and said, “Go away. I’m dying.”
There was no denying he looked like total hungover shit. I could practically hear the throb in his head. “Go die in the bathroom. Poppy is looking for you.”
In my sleep shorts and T-shirt, I went to the bedroom door and managed to slip through the smallest crack imaginable to enter the hallway without Poppy seeing her dad in my bed.
“Hi!” I said, cheerfully. “I think your dad is in the bathroom. He stayed out too late with Mr. Matt and Carson and he doesn’t feel so hot.”
She looked like she needed a hug, so I put my arm around her and led her down the hallway, pulling her in tight to my side.
“Does my dad need rehab too?” she asked, sounding terrified.
“What? No.” Poor kid. My heart shattered all over again. “There’s a big difference between drinking once in a while and it becoming a problem.”
Poppy chewed her bottom lip. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. Your dad is fine. He just doesn’t go out with his friends very often so he stayed out too late.” The air in the apartment was chilly. We were in that transitional period of fall where neither the air-conditioning nor the heat is running and where mornings are chilly and afternoons are warm. “Do you want some hot chocolate?”
She looked like she needed some liquid comfort herself.
“I don’t like hot chocolate.” She climbed onto a stool at the island.
“What? You don’t like hot chocolate. That’s bonkers.”
Poppy shrugged. “I don’t really like chocolate.”
I pretended to gasp. “That’s outrageous. A vicious lie.”
She giggled. “No, it’s true.”
“How about hot apple cider, then?” I had bought some two days earlier in a moment of nostalgia for being a kid and going to the apple farm and watching them fresh squeeze the cider.
“I've never had apple cider.”
“That all changes today,” I said, dramatically. “The success of the perfect mug of apple cider hinges on the cinnamon stick.” I went to the refrigerator. “Do you want to talk about your dream?” I asked.
She shook her head. “No.”
Poppy was sipping her cider a minute later, but mostly stirring the cinnamon stick in it, when Brandon came into the kitchen. He didn’t look much better, but he did have a shirt on and was rubbing the stubble on his chin. His hair was sticking up and he had dark circles under his eyes. His forehead and hairline were damp, like he’d splashed water on his face.
He bent over and dropped a kiss on Poppy’s head, then looked like the motion had done him no good. “Oh, God,” he muttered. Then, “You okay, Pop? What’s wrong?”
I knew he would go for the coffee, but I thought apple cider might actually be better for him. I’d made myself a cup, but I dropped the cinnamon stick in and handed it to him. “Here, drink this.”
He obeyed, and made a face but said, “That actually tastes delicious. Wet and juicy.”
He was so hungover he even missed his own sexual innuendo.
Watching Poppy’s face, I sensed she wasn’t going to talk in front of me. She wanted to be alone with her dad.
I went into my room and made the bed. I couldn’t stand to look at the side of the bed where Brandon had slept. But I did that thing, that thing that everyone swears they’ll never do. I picked up the pillow he had slept on and breathed in the scent of him.
Then I dropped it like it had burned me.
It had all gone too far.
Time to cut myself off.
Chapter Sixteen
My head was pounding. I had definitely had too much to drink the night before, and not enough sleep. I’d gotten home at four and Dakota had woken me up at eight when Poppy had a nightmare. Going into Dakota’s bed without locking the door to my room or the bathroom had been stupid and sloppy. It was amazing we hadn’t gotten busted.
Which would have completely been my fault.
I had spent the night out with Matt and Carson wishing I was at home with Dakota. A couple of women had expressed interest in talking to me and I hadn’t wanted any part of it. There was only one woman I was interested in and she liked sushi and dancing and my daughters.
My drunken thought had been to barge in on her and tell her that I loved her, that I wanted to be together, forever, out in the open.
But fortunately even my bourbon-soaked brain had understood that she was half-asleep and not all that thrilled to be woken up, so I’d just passed out holding her.
Now, having calmed Poppy down from her zombie nightmare, I watched Dakota loading the dishwasher, and I couldn’t hold my feelings in any longer. She’d given me her cider out of sympathy and had made me scrambled eggs and toast to thwart the effects of the booze. It was a small thing, but it meant the world to me. No one had ever taken care of me before and I appreciated it. She was a good woman, with a lot of love to give.
I wanted her to give it to me.
Poppy had gone into her room to watch videos in bed on her tablet. I had a feeling she might fall back asleep. Willow was still sleeping. We were as alone as we were going to get.
I stood up and went to Dakota. I ran my hand down her spine.
She turned and gave me a questioning look as she closed the dishwasher. I didn’t usually touch her outside of the bedroom. “What’s wrong?” she asked.
“We need to talk.” I stared at Dakota, reaching out and entwining her fingers through mine.
She looked down at our hands, then met my gaze. “About what?”
“I know it was my fault this morning. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot. Thanks for your quick thinking.”
“It’s okay. We didn’t actually get caught.”
I cleared my throat and pushed on. “We can’t keep doing this. Sneaking around, having sex. Eventually we’ll get caught and that would be really bad for the girls. This arrangement isn’t working.”
We needed to be more. Something official.
I wanted more. I wanted something official.
But before I could spell that out, she shocked the hell out of me by misinterpreting what I was saying.
“I see. I understand. I guess it makes it easier for me to tell you then that I got a job offer last night as a backup dancer.”
“What?” That caught me completely off guard. The shift in topic was unexpected and I still had brain fog from lack of sleep. “Wow. That’s great news.”
“If I take the job I will be on the road for the next six weeks.”
That hit me like a punch in the gut. “Oh. I see.” What the fuck was I supposed to say?
This had been the plan all along. For her to find another job and move on. I was supposed to be looking for a new, permanent nanny, which I hadn’t done. I hadn’t even tried. Maybe subconsciously I had wanted her to stay.
She clearly did not want to stay. She didn’t want to take our relationship to the next level.
I had just accidentally given her an easy out by leading with the fact that secrecy was not working. I was mentally kicking myself. I should have led with my feelings about her, not the reasons why our secret bangfest couldn’t continue.
“It’s with Sneak. I guess reaching out to him for Willow’s birthday shout-out put me back on his radar.”
Her ex-boyfriend. That was just fucking fantastic. Her young, successful ex who was in the industry she wanted to be in. Whose name was Sneak.
Feeling like I could choke on the words, I said, “You should take it. That’s a great gig.”
“You think I should take it?” she asked, studying me.
Did I want her to take it? Hell no. Did I think she should take it? Yes. Because I would never be so fucking selfish that I made her choose between me and her career. “Of course. It’s what you love.”
Her eyes widened. “I…”
For a split second I froze. I thought she was going to say that she loved me, but that was ridiculous. She didn’t say anything even close to that.
“I don’t want to leave you in a bind. You’ll have to get a new nanny.”
The thought made me want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head and sleep my problems away. But I’d never done that and I couldn’t start now. “It will be fine. I don’t want to hold you back.”
Dakota sunk her teeth into her bottom lip. “I don’t want to leave the girls, I hope you know that. I’m going to miss them.”
Nothing about me. “They’ll miss you too.”
I’ll miss you. Damn it, I’ll fucking miss you.
I wanted to say it. I wanted to take her into my arms and tell her I loved her. But that would just make her feel guilty. I didn’t want to burden her with my feelings. She already felt bad about leaving Willow and Poppy.
“If you want to go back to bed for a few hours, you can,” she said. “I’ll hold down the fort. You look like your fun has caught up with you.”
The booze and lack of sleep had left me feeling rough but what she was seeing on my face was a guy who was watching his future slip between his fingers.
“Care to join me?” I asked, because I’m a masochist who wants to torture himself.
She shook her head, giving me a small smile. “You know that’s not a good idea.”
“I know. I guess a lot of things aren’t a good idea. Doesn’t mean I don’t want them at the same time.”
“Thank you,” she said.
That took me aback. “For what?”
“For this.” She waved her hand around. “For giving me a job. For looking out for me. For making me see that having a family can be a beautiful thing. And not just for other people, but maybe for me someday.”
I had shown her she could have a family with another man in the future. That was just about the worst thing I’d ever heard. I understood the truth of it. Felt it deep in my gut. That our lives were too different, we were too different. I was happy for her that she saw a beautiful future for herself. I just hated that it had to be with someone else.
“You’re welcome. And thank you, for saving us. We were hanging on by a thread here and you came in and calmed everything down. You restored the Macnamara world order. I can’t ever repay you for that.” I couldn’t. I brushed her hair back off of her face.
Tears formed in her eyes and she hastily reached up and wiped them. “It was two months I wouldn’t trade for anything.” Then she gave a forced laugh. “You can repay me by letting me store my stuff in a closet. I need to leave in two days.”
“Two days? Jesus.” Just like that. She’d be gone and my bed would be lonely as hell. “Sure, whatever you need. I guess I should go back to bed. Sounds like the next few days are going to be chaotic,” I said, because there was nothing else to say.
“Go for it,” she said.
That was it.
Go for it.
I turned and went back to bed, though there was no sleeping.
Two days.
Fuck my life.
“Do you have everything?” Brandon asked me as the four of us rode the elevator down to the building lobby two days later.
I had a death grip on the handle of my suitcase. I nodded. “Yes. I don’t need much.” I looked away because it hurt to look at him. I was grateful it was a late flight to meet up with the tour in Miami. I planned to cry in the dark cabin, head turned toward the window.
“I’m so happy for you but I’m so sad for me,” Poppy said, reaching over and throwing her arms around my midsection.
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“I’m happy and sad too,” I said. “I’ll miss you. You too, Willow.”
Willow was sniffling. She’d been torn, both excited that she would have access to backstage videos and insider information, but mad at me for leaving her.
“Are you going to miss Dad?” Poppy said, as the elevator doors opened.
It was an odd question but I figured she didn’t mean anything by it. I nodded. She clearly wanted me to say yes and it was the unfortunate truth. “Yes, I am.”
Brandon put his arm across the elevator door so it would stay open for the three of us to exit first. It hit me that it had been almost a year since I had met him on an elevator. It felt like a lifetime ago.
“Liam, can you grab us a cab?” Brandon asked the doorman.
“Sure thing, Mr. Macnamara.” Liam smiled at me. “Good luck, Miss Tanner.”
“Thanks, Liam.” I had a lump in my throat but I managed to return his smile.
Willow was looking at her reflection in the windows. Poppy was pacing back and forth without bending her knees.
“Liam got a cab,” Brandon said.
That was really damn quick. Too quick. I started for the door.
“Let’s go outside with Dakota.” Brandon opened the door for me.
I stepped out into the crisp October air. They followed behind me. The cab driver got out and popped his trunk. As he took my suitcase, I hugged the girls, hard, one to each side.
“Stay awesome. Text me.”
“We will. Have fun,” Willow said.
“Say hi to Sneak for us,” Poppy said.
That made me laugh even though my stomach was in knots. “I will.” I looked over at Brandon. “You stay awesome, too.”
He surprised me by shooing the girls away and pulling me into a tight hug. I sighed, letting my eyes drift closed so I could just savor the way it felt to be in his arms. Even with my hands against his chest from his unexpected embrace, I still cherished the closeness with my carriage rescue man. Hot halftime husband.
“I wish I had known it was the last time when we were together the last time,” he murmured in my ear.
That nearly destroyed me. I pulled back quickly.
“I wish a lot of things,” I said, before jumping into the cab. I couldn’t stay another second. There were already tears in my eyes and my stomach hurt. “JFK,” I told the driver. “Go, please.”
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