Letting Go
by Charity Jackson
© 2019 Charity Jackson. All rights reserved.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Cover Photo by Asaf R on Unsplash
For my husband.
For loving me & believing in me...
but mostly for reading my first book
even though it has zero gunslingers,
vampires or cowboys.
We Belong. Always.
Thank you so much to all my other
supporters, who pre-read my book, some
as I was writing it, and offered their
feedback, corrections and encouragement.
Mom, Sheri, Jeanne, Mercedes, Heidi...
your support is so appreciated.
Chapter 1 – Ian
The hard pavement was digging into the back of my skull, each pebble making itself know. The irritation from the rocks was nothing compared to the hot pain in my chest. The pain came over me in waves, each roll of pain causing me to arch into those rocks, digging them deeper against my head.
I could hear Cyan's cries but I was helpless to comfort her. I felt her next to me but I was unable to reach out to her.
I looked up at Cyan, leaning over me, her long hair brushing my cheek. Her eyes were wild and I wished I could calm her. My body didn't seem to be cooperating with my thoughts and when I tried to raise my arm to wrap it around her, nothing happened.
Just moments ago we were walking this path to our future and now here I lay, dying on it. Thoughts of my parents, of my brother and sister, of Cyan, our love, our shared moments, the proposal drifted through my foggy brain. The memories trickled out, like my blood, warm against my clutching fingers.
The evening Cyan and I had just shared rolled through my mind, each moment in sharp detail. Our evening had been full of memories, full of a retelling of our past as I had prepared for our future.
After closing down my sports shop for the day I had headed home for a quick shower as I hurried to begin my night. Pulling up to Cyan's little house I watched her skip down the path, coming out to greet me before I could even get out of the car. She looked beautiful, as always. Her long brown hair hung in soft waves down her back. Her bright green eyes sparkled in the early evening sunlight. The gentle breeze lifted her white sundress billowing it out around her, while her signature flip flops slapped the ground.
Meeting her at the end of the path I grabbed her around the waist and spun her around. “Happy anniversary, Blue” I murmured against her lips.
“Oh, which anniversary is this?” She replied with a giggle, her arms resting around my neck, her head cocked to the side.
“Why the twelfth anniversary of us eating at Roscoe's on a Saturday night, of course.” I looked at her like she was crazy for not knowing this obvious anniversary.
“Oh, silly me, I should have known,” she said wrinkling her nose. She grinned showing her perfect teeth, bringing my attention to her pink lips.
Cyan was a beautiful name, but from early in our relationship I had taken to calling her Blue and she always answered to it, knowing that it was my special name for her.
Our relationship was built on love and fun and silly anniversaries. On trust, and faith and shared dreams for the future. She called me BB, which everyone of course heard as Baby. To me though she was calling me Beach Boy, her loving name for her blond haired, blue eyed, water loving man.
The outdoors were my second home. Any time spent on the lake or on the beach was heaven. We were both raised in this small community up in the Sierra Nevadas of California. Life had a slower pace, where you learned to enjoy nature and the people around you. Or you grew bored and moved on. Or stayed and caused trouble.
We drove down the hill looking forward to our night out. We held hands, resting them on the center cup holders. Cyan's hair blew back from her face through the open window and my heart melted a little whenever she turned that smile of hers in my direction.
“I love you Cyan Keller!” I yelled over the noise of the wind rushing through the open windows.
“I know!” was her grinned response. “I love you more!”
The grinning, hand holding and yelling continued all the way to the restaurant. We were sat in the small wooden booth in the far back corner. It was our favorite seat, the furthest from the kitchen and it felt like we were in our own little world back here. The waitress brought our drinks and bread and we placed our orders. We both dove into the bread basket, slathering butter on their homemade sourdough rolls.
“Okay, I have a little game for us,” I said, smiling at the beautiful woman in front of me, licking butter off my lips.
“A game? What games are you playing BB?” she smirked at me, her curiosity peaked.
“Ok, game might not be the right word. More like 'favorites'. I want to know your favorite parts of our relationship.” I tried to explain myself but knew I wasn't being clear. I just wanted Cyan to be thinking about our relationship, about the time we've had so far, as we headed into our future.
“Hmmm, I can definitely tell you some of my favorite 'parts',” she said smiling mischievously.
“Woman, you are killin' me here! Get your head out of the gutter,” I said grinning at her. Man I loved her. “Okay, along those lines, I want to know your favorite kiss.”
Her green eyes sparkled as she thought about this, she had her hands up, her elbows resting on the table, her fingertips tapping against her beautiful lips. I wanted to kiss them right now, but I knew that would distract her and keep her from answering me.
“Oh, how do I choose just one?” she said teasing me. “Okay, best kiss, was last winter. We had been at the lake and there had been an early snow storm and the beach was covered in probably three feet of snow. You had been renting out snow gear all day and when you finally closed up for the night we went for a walk on the beach.” She looked at me to see if I remembered. I did. I totally did. “I remember that we started a snowball fight, I'm going to blame that on you.”
“Not likely, you're pretty ornery, but go ahead with your story,” I said. Yeah, most likely I had actually started it.
“Anyway,” she said dramatically. “We must have ran around in the snow for a good half-an-hour throwing snow, falling down, rolling around. The sun had gone down and I remember the sky was this beautiful purple color and there was a full moon. We were both freezing our butts off and we finally fell in a pile on the snow too exhausted and cold to move.” Her eyes were far away and I knew she was reliving every second, just like I was.
She shifted her gaze back to mine and smiled this soft little dreamy smile. “And then you kissed me. And our faces were so frozen that I couldn't even feel your lips at first. It was like I had just gone to the dentist and my whole face was numb. I remember we both laughed, and then you looked me deep in the eyes and kept kissing me. It didn't take long and I could feel your lips slowly warming with mine. It was the most amazing feeling to have both of our faces warm up together just from a kiss. A pretty amazing kiss I might add.” Her eyes were a little misty. “That, my BB, was the best kiss ever. I suggest you get moving on trying to top that!”
I was laughing out loud feeling a little warm right now just hearing her talk about that kiss. Our waitress brought our steaks over and we ate in blissful silence for a few minutes not able to resist digging in.
“Okay, your turn. Let's see, I want to know what your favorite adventure has been. Something we've done together.” Cyan was leaning forward a little. She was really enjoying this trip down memory lane and so was I
.
“Wow, we've done so many things together! How am I going to pick just one?” We had been to Hawaii where we snorkeled Hanauma Bay, sunburning our backs so bad that combined with the strawberry pina coladas we had that night, we were both practically hallucinating. Seriously it was a fun trip, but not my favorite of them all.
We had hiked, kayaked, snow skied and generally enjoyed so many places together. Then it came to me. There wasn't anything particularly phenomenal about this trip, I guess it was the whole trip, our first big trip together out of the country.
“Okay, I know what my favorite adventure was. Cozumel, Mexico.” Her eyes lit up a little and I knew she was instantly transported back there. “I can't say there was any one particular thing, it was just that whole trip and all the little things we did.” My steak was forgotten for the moment as I started thinking back. “Do you remember the jelly fish?”
“Remember! How could I forget? Let's just say they made a lasting impression!” She was laughing now and I could listen to that laugh forever.
“We must have been snorkeling for at least a half-an-hour before we both came up saying 'what the heck was that!' never seeing them. Then when we stopped looking through the water at all the colorful fish and started looking in it we realized that there were hundreds, maybe thousands, of tiny clear jelly fish swimming all around us. Every time one of them would touch us there would be this tiny little zap. It wasn't exactly painful, it was kind of like when you zap someone after dragging your feet across carpet,” I said, pausing to take a bite.
“Yeah, I know, you do that to me all the time!” She was laughing again.
“Do you remember the pool table?”
“Ah, I loved that game room,” she said, another far away look on her face.
“The stupid table was so crooked that the balls kept rolling really slowly toward one corner. But we were the only ones that went up there and it sat right next to the ocean on the second floor and we would open up all the windows and listen to the waves hit the beach while we played pool.”
“Oh, and you would smoke those stinky cigars of yours! You had that total cigar kick going back then.” She wrinkled her nose at me and I had to resist leaning over and kissing it.
“Oh! And don't forget the Vomit Comet!” Now it was my turn to start laughing.
“Forget? I get nauseous just thinking about it!”
“I have no idea why two people who get motion sickness so easily did not think to take a Dramamine or something before going parasailing!” I said, shaking my head at us and our dumb mistake.
“It wasn't the parasailing that did me in, it was the boat ride out to where they harnessed us up. Those rolling waves in that small boat. Ugh, I'm getting a little nauseous just talking about it!”
“You took some seriously cool photos though from way up in the air. The views of the whole coastline were incredible.” I was going to have to pull those pictures out soon and look at them again.
“We both were so ready to go back in though. I'm pretty sure the boat crew was laughing at us behind our backs.”
“I was so ill I don't think I would have cared had I caught them!” I laughed again. That was a seriously awesome trip. “Yep, that's my favorite adventure!”
We continued eating in silence both remembering that trip and countless other trips we've taken. We made small talk until we had finished our meals. We were in no hurry to leave so we ordered a couple cups of coffee and a brownie ice cream dessert to share. Cyan cut it in half, slightly separating the dessert. She always did this and it made me smile every time. I don't know if she was trying to make sure I didn't eat more than my fair share or if she was making sure she didn't eat more, but it was adorable either way.
“I want to hear another of your favorites. I love thinking about all the good times we've had together,” I said holding her hand across the table. “Okay, bad with the good. I want to hear your favorite fight.”
“Favorite fight, isn't that a little weird?” She cocked her head sideways at me, squinting her eyes a little.
“Nope, you should never have a short fight or an unproductive one. We've proved that a few times over the years. So much good stuff comes out of a good fight,” I replied feeling very philosophical.
“Good fight, huh?” She was smiling so I knew she understood what I meant. We actually didn't fight very often, but something my parents had taught me was that if you were going to fight about something, then make sure you really argue your point, but also make sure you really listen to the other person's point too. So much misinformation, confusion and general problems could be solved by a good argument. And when you're done, make sure the argument is resolved and there is nothing left unsaid. That way you shouldn't have to have the same argument again.
She was tapping her lips again. I kind of wished she would stop that because it really made me want to pull her on my lap and start kissing those lips. Totally inappropriate given our surroundings though.
“You're thinking about kissing me right now, aren't you BB?” Damn that woman and her intuition. I'm pretty sure she can read my mind. I just lifted an eyebrow and tried to give her my most innocent face. She totally wasn't buying it.
“Alright, this one is easy. This was early in our relationship and we were at the Fourth of July dance that they put on over at the social hall.” I groaned a little and she laughed. This was a good fight but it was also a little embarrassing.
She continued while I hid behind my hands a second. “You and I had danced a few slow songs and then a bunch of fast songs. We were surrounded by old high school friends and we were having a great time. Then for some reason you headed outside with your old baseball buddy Jeff. While you were gone Mike Williams asked me to dance. I remember I had been getting tired and Mike was an old friend. The fast song turned into a slow song and I was kind of resting in his arms while we danced. It was totally innocent and here comes my big, bad, jealous boyfriend!” She was giggling at my expense. But I deserved it, I had totally made an ass of myself.
“Here you came all flustered that I was dancing with Mike and you made this big 'ol scene in the middle of the crowded dance floor. I didn't know whether to be flattered or completely ticked off!”
“You went with ticked off. I remember.” I chuckled, but I was starting to wonder why I brought this 'favorite' up again. But Cyan was quick to remind me.
“After I got you to listen to reason and calm down you realized what an idiot you were being. There was no way I was ever interested in Mike, or anyone else for that matter.”
“We had mercifully stepped outside, away from all the stares while you thoroughly chewed me out! I took you back in and made sure I kept you locked in my arms, and my arms only. But not before I requested a song from the DJ,” I said smiling at her.
“Hang on, this is my story,” she said grinning. “So yes, you requested a song and here we were in the middle of the crowded dance floor again and I was wearing this bright red sundress that fell almost to my knees, and what starts playing but 'Lady in Red' by Chris DeBurgh. It was so perfect and to this day that's my favorite song, hands down. Every time I hear it I think of you and that night. That night you didn't just tell me you loved me, you showed me, by claiming me as yours through that silly jealous fit of yours and by dancing to that song with me, making me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.” She still took my breath away just looking at her and that feeling of complete and utter love had never left me.
“I agree, best fight ever,” I said looking deep into those beautiful green eyes of hers. “Want to fight again?” I wiggled my eyebrows and she laughed and I didn't want to forget the way she looked right then. So beautiful, so full of life and so in love with me.
Talking about all these memories was kind of a lead up to what I had planned for tonight. It was an extra special night and Cyan didn't seem to suspect anything, which in and of itself was a small miracle. That girl seemed to figure out everything I was up to.
&nb
sp; I held her hand as we drove back toward the lake. Kissing the back of her hand every few minutes. We were both quiet and enjoyed the comfortable silence. The sun was low in the sky. I loved summer nights, when the sun hung around until after nine as if it couldn't get enough of the beautiful days at the beach either.
I pulled Cyan close after we got out of the Jeep. Her hair tousled from the drive with the windows down. Wrapping her in my arms I buried my head in her hair and breathed deep. She smelled like flowers and citrus fruit. Light and clean and completely her. Her arms rested around my waist, her hands sliding up and down my back. I could have stood like that forever.
“I like this shirt on you,” she murmured. “You look hot tonight.” I felt her smile against my chest.
“I know I've said it a hundred times tonight, but you look beautiful,” I said, my voice hoarse and just above a whisper. I looked down, leaning back to look into her eyes. Her green eyes met my baby blues. Man, I loved this girl. My heart swelled a little just looking at her, sharing the connection we had.
We had been together for two years, but had known each other since grade school. In our mid twenties now, we hadn't realized what we were missing in each other until after we had both finished college and come back to our little town.
The night we got together had been magical, just like our entire relationship. The local community center and surrounding baseball fields had been turned into a weekend carnival. White lights were strung high in the air on bright red wooden posts, zigzagging back and forth. I had shown up hoping to catch up with friends I hadn't seen since high school. The smell of corn dogs, popcorn and fried funnel cakes filled the air. I wandered around heading toward the beer gardens. Above the shouts of the carnival workers beckoning their next customer, kids screaming on the spinning rides and loud conversations, I had heard her laugh.
Letting Go Page 1