Grabbing the bag of food I headed back to see what she was up to. “This is all we need,” She said with a smile. She slung a large bag over her shoulder, a rolled blanket peeking out of the top. “We have to hurry or we'll miss the 'show' part of our dinner and a show.”
At this point I would follow her anywhere, so that's what I did.
Chapter 14 – Cyan
Once again I found myself loving how open to my adventures he was. He didn't get all weird when I grabbed his hand in the restaurant and he was willing to go along with my plans for dinner.
Walking along the sandy path to the beach I noticed the sun was dropping low on the horizon but we hadn't missed the sunset. There were other people scattered along the beach, most were getting ready to watch the sunset too and would probably leave as soon as the sun dropped into the sea.
We chose a spot away from anyone else and I spread out the blanket. There was no wind tonight which made the coolness of the air comfortable instead of cold.
“You're right, this is the most beautiful dining spot I've ever eaten in,” Ryder said with a smile.
The views here were sweeping with no buildings, trees, rocks or anything else to block the view. The only thing between us and the setting sun was a sandy beach and the rolling silver waves of the ocean.
We settled down onto the blanket, the bag of food sitting untouched behind us. I watched him look out over the sea. The orange glow highlighted his handsome face. I took in his straight nose and strong jaw. His dark blond hair was aglow in the light, his blue eyes bright and far away. He was gorgeous and caring, insecure and sad. There was so much I didn't know about this man, yet I felt like I had known him forever.
I pulled the containers of food out to distract myself, setting them behind us, putting our drinks next to the containers. Without a word Ryder put his arm across my shoulders and pulled me next to him. His eyes never left the setting sun.
Twisting toward him I laid my head on his shoulder and silently we watched the sun slowly dissolve into the dark gray sea.
“I can't tell you the last time I watched the sun set,” Ryder said softly. “I don't know if I ever really have.” His voice was hoarse and he was still looking out over the water, his arm clutching me to him.
I was comfortable nestled under his arm and really didn't want to move. Leaning up, pressing against his chest with my hand I looked up into his eyes. I wanted to get a glimpse of what was causing his somber mood but whatever he was feeling was hidden away in an instant.
I tried to stare at his eyes but my eyes kept drifting down to his mouth and I wanted to kiss him so bad. I hadn't kissed a man in over two years. I hadn't kissed someone other than Ian for close to five years. I was surprised how much I wanted to have that closeness with someone again, but at the same time I didn't know if I was ready to take that step.
Leaning down Ryder pressed his lips to the side of my head. It was a sweet, gentle and lovely gesture. It was as if he understood the battle I was fighting within but still felt the need to create contact between us. I would be forever grateful for that simple gesture. That small connection opened up a desire to touch and be touched. A desire to love again and I turned away as my eyes started to tear up.
I blinked back the tears and smiled, looking back out at the sea, my head laying against his shoulder, my hand still pressed to his chest. I could feel his heart beat beneath my palm. The sun had disappeared but the sky was still a beautiful orange and yellow. Giving him a quick squeeze that approved of the small kiss I pulled away.
“Ready to eat yet?” I smiled up at him. Grinning, I added, “I'm surprised you haven't inhaled all the food yet!” The mood was instantly lightened and the tears that I had held back disappeared.
He was laughing as he reached for his container. It was a wonderful sound and I noticed it reached his eyes which I was pleased to see.
“This sandwich is amazing,” Ryder said, wiping his mouth with a napkin.
“I got the hot crab sandwich. Do you want to try a bite?” I asked. He leaned forward and I held the sandwich up for him to bite. “Good, right? I get the same thing every time I come here. I'm pretty bad about that. Once I find something I like I order the same thing every time.”
We made small talk about the food, about people on the beach and about the adventures of the day. Stuffing our trash into the paper bag I handed Ryder a couple of the chocolate covered mints that had been in the bag.
Peeling off the green foil wrapper Ryder said, “I love these things. I don't know why I don't ever buy them.”
He seemed really pleased with the mint and I had to smile. I was staring at him openly as I popped one of the mints into my mouth.
“What?” He asked laughing at the look on my face. “They're good!”
Setting the trash bag off the blanket in the sand I laid down on my back staring up at the stars starting to appear in the sky. The orange glow from the setting sun had darkened to a deep purple and blue and the beach had grown darker while we ate. There were just a few people walking along the shoreline.
The crescent moon was still low on the horizon and provided a little light. The darker the sky became the more visible the stars were. I felt Ryder lie down beside me. I started to reach out for his hand and felt his close over mine at the same time.
We lay holding hands and watching the stars appear in the sky. The breeze was slightly cool but in my sweater I was comfortable. Scooting to my left a little I leaned my head against Ryder's shoulder. It felt like such a natural thing to do. I felt cared for and protected in his company.
I heard him sigh, his breathe escaping slow between his lips. He squeezed my hand ever so slightly.
I wasn't sure he'd spoken at first, he said it so quiet, but then he repeated himself. “The past,” he said. Then he went on. “Do you think our past defines our future? What I mean is do you think we can ever truly escape the things of the past that have defined our lives up to this point?”
I squeezed his hand so he knew I had heard him but I didn't answer right away wanting to think about his questions. “I think our past is essential in shaping our character. Loving family, nurturing parents, strong friendships. All of these things help us become better people, better children, better friends.” I paused taking a breath before continuing. “Sometimes terrible things happen though and our responses to these events, how we come out on the other end, define that character. I don't know if it's about escaping them, so much as it's about your reaction to them.”
“Do you ever look to the future and wish you could just start over?” He said. “You know, just a clean slate, start fresh, from this moment on.”
“You could you know. Whatever is eating at you, you can always start new.” I said, tilting my head up to him. He was opening up a little and I wasn't going to push him, but I also wasn't going to ignore that there was something important behind those questions. He obviously had some things in his past he was needing to face.
He was staring at the sky, his face looked so sad. He didn't deny what I had just pointed out.
Chapter 15 – Ryder
She made it sound so easy but I knew better. I knew that the guilt I was holding onto, the transgressions of my family, my insecurities from growing up were all holding me back. How could I expect Cyan to forgive me if I didn't think I deserved it?
“I wish it were that easy. I really do,” I said. “I would give anything to change some of the events in the past. Anything.”
Our conversation had grown deep quickly but I couldn't lighten the mood. I knew that I needed to have this conversation with her. I needed to prep her for an even more difficult conversation to come.
“Whatever it is you did in your past, you need to let it go,” She said. “I know we just met, but you strike me as a good man, you need to forgive yourself and move forward.”
“Forgiveness. I don't know how to earn it from others and I don't know how to give it to myself,” I said.
“I don't think f
orgiveness is something you can earn. It takes a certain amount of grace on the part of the forgiver. You know, giving something that isn't earned or necessarily deserved. If you need forgiveness for something you can ask for it, you can display remorse and why you feel the person should forgive you, but it's going to have to be up to the other person to forgive you.” Cyan had squeezed my hand gently while she spoke.
I lay there quietly, replaying her words in my head. My being here was to ask her for the forgiveness I didn't deserve and I was trying to show her that I was a good man at heart. Ultimately it wasn't up to me. She was going to have to decide if I deserved her forgiveness.
I felt my eyes tear up a bit as I thought about losing her over this. I was glad for the darkness. Glad that she couldn't see my face right now.
“How do I forgive myself?” I asked her quietly. Hoping she truly had an answer, because I was at a total loss.
“Well, the same rules apply. In this case it's going to be up to you to show yourself why you deserve the forgiveness, to ask for it, and then to either give it to yourself or not.” She turned toward me, her head still resting on my shoulder, her body curled into my side. “I don't know what you need to forgive yourself for, but in the short amount of time I've known you, I can tell that you feel remorse for whatever it is. You're trying to make amends. Maybe it's time you extended a little grace to yourself.”
I didn't know how to respond. Her words had cut me to my core, had opened up doors that I had slammed closed a long time ago. I knew that my need to forgive myself went beyond just the events of that night. I felt like I had let my family down over the years, although I had been a good kid. I think the fact that I moved away, left my mom to deal with everything alone, made me feel guilty.
I had needed to get out of that house though. To make my own start, but the draw of family kept me going back. The burdens of my family had been a weight I've had to bear for my whole life. It had just grown heavier the last couple years.
We lay there together, holding hands, lost in thought for a really long time. Neither of us said much after our talk of forgiveness. We were both wrapped up in our own thoughts, but connected somehow. I didn't feel alone anymore. Having shared just a bit of what was bothering me made me want to open up to her completely.
When the breeze picked up and the cold started to settle in we silently folded up the blanket and gathered our trash bag, setting everything into a pile.
“Thank you for talking with me. I'm sorry if I was a bit of a downer tonight,” I said, pulling Cyan to stand in front of me. I wanted to look her in the eye so she could see how sincere I was.
“It was a nice conversation. Thank you for opening up to me a little.” Her hands rested on my forearms as we stood in an open embrace. Holding onto one another without invading personal space. “I'm here for you if you need to talk about it more,” She said, looking up at me.
“I think we'll be talking some more about this. I just have some thinking to do,” I said. I had to be honest with her although I wasn't quite ready to have the inevitable conversation. The reason I had come here.
“Are you ready to go,” I asked, reluctantly letting her go and leaning down to pick up the blanket and trash.
“No, I love it out here, but it is getting chilly by the water,” She said, her eyes still on my face.
We looked out over the water before walking back toward the car. We didn't hold hands as we walked up the sandy path but a comfortable silence hung between us as we were both still lost in our own thoughts.
Chapter 16 – Cyan
The overnight fog had burned off quickly this morning promising a warm, beautiful day at the ocean. I walked to work in good spirits enjoying the sunshine.
It surprised me to think that it had only been a week since Ryder had initially walked into the gallery. One week and this man whom I had only been around on three occasions had completely gotten under my skin. In a good way.
The gallery opened at nine on Saturdays to welcome the tourists out and about on the weekends. Walking with my coffee in hand I thought about yesterday with Ryder. The fun we had and how he was so willing to try new things. He expressed an eagerness to live a little, to try new things that he had never allowed himself to do before.
He seemed so serious for his age at times. At other times, the times when he was allowing himself to enjoy life, like out on the kayak, he seemed totally at peace. It was a beautiful thing to watch. The transition from burdened to peaceful.
Our conversation last night was a little cryptic since I didn't know what he was so at war with himself over. What he needed to forgive himself for. If I knew the circumstances I might be able to offer better advice, but he hadn't been willing to open up with this information and after only one week I couldn't expect him to bare his soul yet. Well, not more than he had already.
I had dropped Ryder off at his hotel after our dinner on the beach. I could tell he was tired, as was I, from the long day. He had given me a sideways hug, thanking me for the adventures of the day. No kiss, but no awkwardness. We weren't there yet and that was totally fine. I don't think someone who was already looking for a physical relationship would make me comfortable. This slow approach was just fine with me. Although the thought of kissing him, connecting with him in a physical way was more appealing each time I was around him.
Yesterday had been lively and fun. The night had been deep and beautiful. A friendship was forming, one that was built on this inexplicable desire to bond with someone who understood the need to feel alive. To look to a future without the burdens of the past. I knew we were both drawing on the other to find the strength to face this future.
We hadn't made plans to see one another again, but I hoped to hear from him again, sooner rather than later.
Lynn and I closed up the gallery at six. The day had been busy. Weekends usually were but sometimes it was hit and miss toward the end of the summer. Today was one of those busy days and it flew by. Despite the busyness I had still filled her in on my blossoming love life. She was only a couple years older than me and had been married for five years. She said that while she was madly in love with Roger she could still live vicariously through me.
“Good night Cyan. Try not to dream about Prince Charming too much,” she said, winking at me over her shoulder as she walked toward the parking area on the side of the cottage.
“Good night Lynn,” I laughed. I didn't respond to the Prince Charming comment, there was no doubt in my mind that I would dream about him. Not surprisingly I looked forward to sleep.
The evening was still warm and I planned to take my time strolling home along the sandy path hugging the edge of the water.
“Hi Cyan,” he said.
I jumped a little as I wasn't expecting his low, warm voice. I smiled before I even turned toward him. The “Prince Charming” comment drifted through my head and I felt my cheeks heat up a little.
He was dressed in faded black jeans, his dark blue shirt was snug and made his eyes a vivid blue. He was leaning against an old black muscle car. I had seen it a couple times in the parking lot of Ryder's hotel but I hadn't put it together with him. The car was dark, tough and beautiful on the outside, an old soul under the hood. Kind of like Ryder, it fit him.
“Hey you,” I said. “Nice car. '71 Plymouth Barracuda?” His face lit up a little and a lazy grin spread across his face.
“1970. You know your muscle cars?” He asked, obviously pleased.
“My dad is a bit of a gear head so by default I absorbed a lot of knowledge. Older cars, especially restored muscle cars are comforting. They remind me of growing up.” I felt a little shy sharing this for some reason. It had been a long time since I had thought about cars and the countless afternoons that I would sit on the couch while my dad poured through his newest Auto Trader magazine. He would see something he liked and would excitedly list all of the features for me. At the time I had no idea what he was talking about and didn't realize how much information I was actu
ally absorbing.
“What are you doing here?” I asked with a smile. He was off to the side of the building, slightly shadowed by a couple large cypress trees. I slowly walking toward him as he spoke.
“Well it's early on a Saturday night and I hoped that with some begging and pleading I might be able to convince a beautiful girl to take a drive with me,” He said, looking me in the eye.
“Hmm,” I said putting one finger to my lips, my other hand on my hip, squinting my eyes and looking around. “Now if we can just find a beautiful girl for you to ask.”
He was grinning again when I looked back at him, still leaning against the car, his ankles crossed, his thumbs hooked in his front pockets. He looked like he was modeling for a magazine. It didn't matter what he was selling, I was totally buying.
“Oh me?” I said, dramatically batting my eyelashes and drifting over to him. I couldn't resist touching him so I swatted him on the chest playfully.
“Cuda here was feeling a little neglected sitting in that parking lot,” he said patting the hood of his car. “I thought I would take him for a spin up the coast and was hoping you would come along.”
I cocked one eyebrow at the naming of his car, but it was cute. He knew what the eyebrow raise was for but he just smirked at me.
Chapter 17 – Ryder
I had just spent the day before with her and watching the lights go out in the gallery, anticipating her coming through the door, I had started second guessing myself. Again.
I was so worried that I was coming on too strong. I was attracted to her in so many ways and it wasn't something I had ever entertained happening when I came to find her. I had envisioned a quick meeting, anger, tears, relief. I didn't know what I was expecting. But it wasn't this. It certainly wasn't this.
She came out the door looking to her left talking with a pretty blond. I could hear their conversation and when I heard the Prince Charming comment I hoped they was talking about me.
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