Letting Go

by Charity Jackson

  When the otters were finished with their meal and started to drift away I stretched out my cooling muscles before starting to jog back toward my hotel.

  About a mile into the return trip I started to think about the many restaurants I would pass trying to decide what I wanted to grab for dinner. I was debating between eating there or taking the food back to my hotel when I saw her.

  Cyan sat in the window of a small red brick building across the street from where I stood. Instinctively I moved closer, trying not to appear like a stalker, but I had to double check what I was seeing.

  The restaurant looked nice. White cloths covered the tables and a glass of red wine sat in front of Cyan. A round glass candle sat at the end of the table, nearest the window, glowing softly. A man sat across from her. Their heads were bent together and Cyan looked up, gazing in the eyes of the man laughing at something he said.

  He was a good looking guy, a little older, short dark hair. He looked amused at something Cyan said and a pain of jealousy ripped through my chest.

  I don't know what I expected from my situation with Cyan. We had never discussed what was happening between us. She was a beautiful woman. Of course she would go on dates, see other men.

  Maybe I had completely over thought all of this. Maybe she just considered me a friend. But why the stolen glances, the long gazes? I thought she was feeling everything I was feeling. What I was feeling wasn't fair anyway. As much as I pretended and hoped, there probably wasn't a future for Cyan and I anyway. Not with a guy like me.

  Turning from the window I felt defeated, my appetite gone, I jogged back to the hotel forgoing dinner completely.

  Chapter 20 – Cyan

  It had been two days since my dinner with Roger and Lynn, since I had sold my photograph. I was still in a good mood but I hadn't heard from Ryder since our drive up the coast on Saturday.

  Tuesdays were always slow and I thought back to a week ago. When on that Tuesday, in the pouring rain, I had spent the day with Ryder. Today was bright and sunny and so different from just a week ago.

  I missed Ryder and wasn't sure why we hadn't really talked the last few days. I was working the shop alone today since it's more of a paperwork and cleaning day. I tried to distract myself but I kept looking out the front windows more often than I care to admit, hoping to catch a glimpse of him.

  We had shared a couple texts, surface stuff, just checking in. I knew he was still in town and he said he was busy trying to catch up on some design projects. But I couldn't escape the nagging feeling that something was wrong.

  I hoped it didn't have to do with everything I had shared about Ian. I didn't want to scare him off. Quite the opposite, by telling him about Ian I was hoping to draw him closer.

  By four o'clock I couldn't take it any longer and I sent Ryder a text asking him to meet me at the gallery at closing. His response didn't come for a full ten minutes, but he agreed to come.

  I was self conscious as I turned after locking up the gallery for the night. Ryder looked amazing as always. Dark blue jeans were topped with a dark gray v-neck sweater, a white t-shirt peeking out of the top.

  He was leaning against his car again, but he didn't look as relaxed as he had the last time. He didn't appear angry, but I caught a hint of sadness in the way he stood with his arms crossed, his eyes avoiding mine.

  Walking straight up to him I paused, waiting for him to meet my eyes with his. “Ryder, I know we haven't known one another long, but I can tell something is wrong. Can you tell me what it is? Does it have anything to do with why you've been avoiding me the last few days?”

  I caught the surprise in his eyes and I expected him to deny what I was saying. Instead he lowered his eyes to the ground and sighed. “You're going to think I'm some crazy jealous guy.” He raised his eyes back up to mine before continuing, his hands now thrust in his front pockets, his shoulders sagging.

  “I don't have any idea what is happening between us. I just know I like spending time with you, but I also know I have some baggage I need to deal with. You're a beautiful woman and seeing you out on your date Sunday night just threw me,” he said, his expression embarrassed, his eyes searching mine.

  “Date. What date?” I asked, my brows furrowed. “Ryder I haven't been on a date since Ian. Well I guess the time I've spent with you could be consider dates, but we've never called them that.”

  He looked at me for a long moment before saying, “That little cafe on Foam Street, Sunday night. You were sitting across from this good looking guy in a gray suit.” He looked like he was doubting what he saw, a touch of confusion in his eyes.

  “Oh, you mean Roger?” I said, a big grin breaking out on my face. “That wasn't a date. I was actually there with my good friend Lynn and her husband Roger. We were reviewing some photographs that I had taken a couple months ago for Roger's contracting business. He's putting together his company brochure and asked for my help in deciding which photos to use. Lynn must have been in the restroom when you saw us.”

  “Ugh, I'm such an idiot,” he said,covering his face with one hand, swiping it down his face. “I guess I've been questioning why you've been wanting to spend time with me and then seeing you with this good looking guy in a nice suit...” He trailed off looking unsure of what else he wanted to say.

  Taking one of his hands in mine I waited until I had his attention. “Ryder, I have no idea what's happening between us. I've enjoyed every minute we've been together and you've been good for my soul. I'm saddened by your low opinion of yourself. You're handsome and strong, you're kind hearted and gentle. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.”

  I felt the grin break out on my face and I knew exactly what I needed to do. I never planned on him seeing these, but I knew it was time to share something with him.

  “Can you give me a lift home?” I asked. His face fell a little and I worried that he thought I was blowing him off. “I want to show you something.”

  It didn't feel awkward inviting him into my apartment. I wasn't afraid to spend time with him in an intimate setting, he hadn't even kissed me yet. It wasn't why we were here anyway, this was about me making a point, and hopefully opening his eyes a little.

  I kept the main lights off, turning on a few lamps in my small living room and the one over the sink in the kitchen. Offering Ryder a beer from the fridge I asked him to take a seat on the couch. Plugging in the cable from my laptop to the TV I flipped through a couple directories before clicking on one.

  Ryder hadn't said a word. He just watched everything I did with a curious look on his face. He sat back on my old brown leather couch with a pillow tucked behind him. He had one leg crossed over the knee of his other leg, the beer bottle resting on his knee. His free arm was thrown over the back of the couch. I know he was trying to look relaxed but his face gave away his apprehension. I watched him silently too, not trying to hide my appraisal of him.

  The photos started out from the day that I had taken Ryder out to my island, one of the places most special to me. Before I clicked further with the remote I moved over to the couch sitting beside him. Tugging his arm from the back of the couch I set it over my shoulder as I leaned into him. His hand pulled me tighter against his side.

  “These photos are from that day we spent out on the island and out kayaking for the first time. I wanted to share these with you because this is how I see you. This is the you I've come to know and care about.” He didn't say anything, just squeezed my shoulder. Leaning forward he set his beer bottle on the coaster in front of him. With his free hand he took one of my hands in his. I could feel the nervousness rolling off him.

  After the first couple photos of far off landscape shots the photos of Ryder began. I had snapped them in quick succession. Hoping to get the shots before he noticed.

  His face filled the TV as he looked off into the distance. His face was lit up taking in the beautiful surroundings. His blue eyes sparkled, the breeze had slightly lifted his hair, a look of wonder made him look y
ounger than his years. The next few were shot quickly together and you could witness the slight changes on the screen as his face transitioned through what he was feeling. Wonderment, surprise, delight, peace.

  It was the peaceful expressions that had gripped my heart. That had made me feel like little pieces of my heart were slowly being transferred from my body to this man sitting beside me.

  When the photos of the white crane we had watched came on the screen he leaned forward a little. “That bird was so beautiful. Watching it creep so slowly though that tide pool, the sun rising in the sky, the colors were just amazing,” he said. “You captured the moment beautifully.”

  The next photo showed him lying on his stomach, his arms crossed under his head, his legs crossed at his ankles. His eyes were closed and the early morning sunlight made his dark blond hair look white on top and his face was lit up like an angel.

  I heard his sharp intake of breath. Glancing at him I saw that he was staring at himself, frowning slightly. “I don't know how I had fallen asleep. I barely knew you. I don't know how I felt so at peace. Being out there with you it was just so beautiful and relaxing.” I just squeezed his hand. There was nothing I could add.

  I had taken hundreds of photos that day and we flipped through them slowly. After a few minutes he pulled me into his chest further. I lifted my legs up to the side of me on the couch, leaning into him. Every so often he would press his lips to my temple, smoothing my hair, but he never tried to kiss my lips and he seldom pulled his eyes from the TV.

  When he saw that I had captured the moment that the giant sea lion had scared the crap out of him on the kayak we laughed all over again at the expression on his face. I had shot another quick succession of photos of his reaction as it changed from surprise to a huge grin as I had laughed at him. A couple shots were a little blurry as I had laughed so hard the camera shook.

  I paused on a shot that had particularly captured my heart. His face was lit up with a mischievous grin, his hair blowing, his eyes a bright blue. He had just slapped his oar at me as a payback for my teasing and I had captured the water moving toward me with him in the background. He looked happy and so full of life. This is the Ryder that I wanted him to see.

  “This is you.” I paused, turning to face him and placed one hand to the side of his face imploring him to look at me a second and hear my words. “This is the essence I see below your periodic sadness. I hope someday you'll trust me with whatever is burdening you. In the meantime please don't ever think for an instant that I'm not seeing the man underneath.” Turning to look at the screen again I quietly murmured, “This is the picture of a man worthy of having all the happiness and love in the world.”

  Chapter 21 – Ryder

  The pictures had been a little of an awakening for me. Cyan was a talented photographer, but the way she caught happiness that I didn't know was radiating from me was amazing. I know why she could capture it though, because she's the one that created it.

  She was right though. I was sad. I wouldn't say depressed, just sad. Sad for my family, sad for myself, but mostly sad for her. I know she didn't want my pity though. She wanted the me that she saw through her camera lens. Suddenly I desperately wanted to be that man for her.

  I knew that with her opening her heart and sharing Ian with me a few nights ago and then sharing these photos tonight, that my turn was coming. She had asked me to trust her and share with her what was bothering me. I knew she was not only giving me permission to open up to her, but she was asking me to.

  On one hand I wanted to get it over with, but every time I was with her I thought of a new excuse to postpone. Tonight I told myself that I just needed to hold onto how she saw me. Just a little longer. Once I told her what I need to say, all that she saw in me would be gone.

  I was still sitting on the couch deep in thought. Cyan had gone over to Evelyn's to see if it was okay for her to bring me over. I was actually looking forward to meeting Evelyn. My mom's parents had both passed away years ago and my paternal grandparents lived in Texas. Like my dad they were fairly shut off emotionally and we weren't close to them. Meeting Evelyn was like meeting Cyan's grandma.

  “She is sooo excited you are coming over!” Cyan said bursting back though her front door, a big grin on her face.

  I pulled myself out of my reverie and gave her a big smile. Grabbing Cyan's outstretched hand I allowed her to pull me up off the couch.

  Sliding her arms around my waist Cyan laid her head against my chest. I honestly could stand and hold her like this for hours. My mind wandered a bit and I allowed myself to image how it would be to hold her like this as we fell asleep in one another's arms at night, or woke up together like this. These were dangerous thoughts and I forcefully pushed them aside.

  Evelyn is the funniest old lady I have ever met. Cyan wasn't kidding about her love of baking. There wasn't a plate of sweets on the table, there was a platter. She had cookies, cakes, pastries and sliced breads laid out. This is all with only five minutes notice of company.

  We played Scrabble until Evelyn started yawning. Cyan spent the whole time teasing Evelyn about her 'old lady' words but Evelyn got the last laugh when she played the word 'bumfuzzling'. Cyan hooted and said there was no way that was a real word. When Evelyn made her look it up and she realized that not only was it a real word, but Evelyn earned thirty seven points off of it, Cyan threw her hands in the air and laughed until tears rolled down her cheeks. It was one of the best nights ever.

  Leaving Evelyn's with a promise to return soon, and with another plate of sweets in hand, I walked Cyan back to her door. Setting the plate down on the top of the stair railing near her front door I gathered Cyan in my arms.

  “Why won't you kiss me?” Cyan murmured against my chest. It wasn't an accusation, just a simple question. Well, not so simple.

  I wrapped her tighter in my arms and closed my eyes. I didn't know how to respond, so I just went with as much honesty as I could.

  “Have you kissed anyone since Ian?” I asked gently.

  “No. I haven't wanted to. You're the first man since Ian who has stirred anything in my heart.” She was just laying it all out there. I had to give her something back.

  “I want to kiss you so bad,” I said. I held her against me because I really did want to kiss her so incredibly bad and talking about it might make me just do it. “You're on the verge of opening yourself up to affection for the first time since you lost Ian, am I right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then before I can allow you to give that first kiss away to me I have to deal with what is making me sad first. Once I do, then you may or may not want to give me that kiss.” I pulled back from her so I could look her in the face. I brought my fingers under her chin and gently held her face in front of me.

  “You are the most amazing woman I have ever spent time with. Please believe me when I tell you that I want to hug you and kiss you and wrap you in my arms morning and night. But, I have to earn that kiss and I haven't yet. You'll know when I've earned it, if I do, and then you can let me know that it's okay.” I was out of words but I felt raw and exposed having told her how I feel about her.

  Her eyes glistened and I was afraid that I had hurt her feelings, but her voice was strong as she spoke. “This side of you I see through my camera too. The sensitive, sweet and thoughtful side. You're a good man Ryder Marshall. I hope you earn that kiss soon because, man, do I want to give it to you.” There were tears in her eyes but she was smiling too.

  Chapter 22 – Cyan

  Things had been relaxed between Ryder and I since Tuesday. He told me how much the photos and time with Evelyn meant to him. He still hadn't opened up, but I could feel we were getting closer.

  “Oh, there's a carnival going on,” I said looking through the windshield toward the fairgrounds set back off the freeway. The Ferris wheel was completely lit up and rose above the line of trees. “It's almost 8:30 but it should be going for awhile yet. A Thursday will be a lot less crowded tha
n the weekend. Do you feel like stopping?”

  I wasn't ready for him to drop me off yet. We had just gone out on our first official 'date' as I declared. Ryder had asked me out all proper like and we had gone to a small Italian restaurant. He picked me up in Cuda, opening my door for me. He was dressed in slacks and a button up shirt. His top button was undone and he didn't wear a tie. If someone would have bet me that this man could actually look hotter than he does in jeans and a t-shirt I would have taken that bet. And I would have lost.

  I enjoyed his company and loved how laughing and flirting made me feel. A warm flame that he had been the one to reignite, heated me from the inside out. Dinner was relaxed and we held hands, told stories, laughed and avoided all the deep topics we seem to have been so fond of lately.

  “Sure, it sounds like fun,” he said with a smile. His easy smile had been on his face all night. “If you're nice to me maybe I'll buy you a funnel cake.” He wiggled his eyebrows and I had to laugh.

  Some of the family crowd had already left so we found parking close to the entrance. There was straw strewn across the dirt along with trash from the steady stream of people. The bright lights beckoned us and Ryder held my hand as the crowds grew thicker through the tight game area.

  The smell of popcorn and corn dogs filled the air. Carnival workers were shouting out to the crowd, inviting people to toss a ball or a coin, to pop a balloon or try their luck at this game or that one.

  White lights were hung from tall posts, hay bales were piled all around. The beer gardens were full of twenty somethings, loud and dressed up. Girls flirting with guys, the guys trying to impress the girls.

  We hadn't been there long but my head was starting to swim a little as I looked around. Suddenly the smells and sounds started to overwhelm me. I stopped walking and looked around slowly. I could feel my eyes growing wider, my heart started pounding and my face felt flush.