Chapter 29 - Ryder
I had remained at the lake until the moon was high in the sky. The cold of the night had crept in but I was so cold on the inside already that I didn't notice until my shivers turned into shaking.
Dragging myself off my knees I had wandered out to the boat docks. Cyan had mentioned that this is where Ian had proposed. I was drawn to the last place she had been truly happy. I wanted to see what they had seen together out here. I wanted to know Ian and I felt cheated that I had never met this man. To have loved Cyan and deserved to have her love him in return made him a great guy in my book. For a person I had never met, I felt this incredible bond to him.
It was after midnight by the time I returned to my parents home. The lights were out inside, only the porch light was left on for my return. I hoped Jace hadn't come back around. My parents didn't need his crap right now. I dragged myself through the door and headed to my old room without turning on any lights.
I dreaded the morning. Tomorrow would mean a visit to the funeral home and preparations to lay my brother in the ground. The next few days were going to be a slow torture.
Laying in bed my eyes were burning with the leftover emotions from my confession to Cyan. The talk had left me raw. The throbbing in my cheek had subsided but the bruise was visible and painful to the touch. Every slight brush against it made me grimace and reminded me of the fight with Jace and what we were fighting about.
My eyes grew accustomed to the darkness and in the moonlight coming through the window my childhood memories started to come alive. I had shared this room with Bobby. His old posters of muscle cars still hung on the back of the door. His second place trophy for a bass tournament from when he was in the sixth grade sat high on a shelf. His Honorable Mention ribbon for the science fair hung below. They were just little things that had been left behind when he and Jace had moved out years ago.
I clutched my eyes tight. I needed to escape the memories for a few hours. I was desperate for sleep and prayed for dreams of Cyan to fill my slumber.
Morning arrived too soon and the trip to the funeral home was as painful as I expected it to be. My mom was emotional and indecisive. Burying her child wasn't something she was prepared for and each decision that had to be made was monumental.
The funeral director was very helpful and respected our wishes. We didn't plan a big service. The community had been devastated by Ian's murder. Blame had been placed on our family of course and my mom had lost a lot of friends during the process. While the viewing and graveside service would be open to anyone who wished to be there, we didn't expect many to show. We finalized preparations for the service to be held Tuesday morning at ten and headed home.
More than once I had wished for Cyan to be by my side through this. I had drawn so much strength from her through the talks we had before Bobby was killed. She was a good friend and losing that friendship in addition to losing the woman I loved was unbearable.
A suit that Bobby had worn about five years earlier to a cousin's wedding hung in the back of the closet. One of those items you buy for an event knowing you'll probably never wear it again. My mom said how handsome he had looked in it though and she wanted him buried in something that had been surrounded by positive memories. I offered to deliver it to the funeral home Monday morning.
Saturday evening and all day Sunday were spent with my parents, sister and nephew. Jenna helped my mom prepare the meals and we ate around the table keeping the conversations on safe subjects. Max told us about his new fourth grade teacher, about a book he was reading and about his buddy Jesse. We gave him our rapt attention, both because we enjoyed listening to his stories, but also because it kept us from having to focus on each other.
In between meals my mom and Jenna spent a lot of time talking in the kitchen while I spent time with my dad and Max. We watched a football game on Sunday before heading out to my dads workshop to check out some of the things he had been making.
Jace hadn't come around since the day we fought in the front yard. My mom didn't ask about the bruise on my face and I wondered if my dad had told her what happened. Like usual we didn't talk about it though.
When there were periods of quiet I found myself getting anxious and glancing at the front door. It took a couple hours to figure out what my problem was. I was anticipating the knock on the door. The one that when opened would reveal a couple police officers and a set of handcuffs with my name on them.
I spent more time those two days contemplating everything Cyan and I had talked about. She hadn't said a word before she left so I had no idea what she was thinking or planning to do. I was also confused about her feelings toward me. If she cared for me as much as I did for her.
Based on the kindness she had shown over the last couple weeks I expected her to respect my wish for a few days to bury Bobby. Beyond that I didn't know what she was planning to do. In the meantime I held my breath and prayed for a reprieve.
I hadn't expected to hear from her, but I still wished I would. I found myself checking my phone constantly, praying for a text message from her. I was disappointed when I never heard from her. I started to send her a text multiple times, but never hit send.
Tuesday came quickly and I awoke with a sense of dread. Today my big brother was going to be laid in the ground.
My mom had requested a viewing at the funeral home prior to the graveside service. I was surprised at first until she had quietly explained that the last time she had seen him was behind bars. She just wanted to see her baby boy lying peacefully, dressed in a nice suit not a bright orange jumper. It was sad, but it made sense.
The graveside service was scheduled to begin at ten, but the viewing time was from eight to nine-thirty. I arrived a little before eight hoping to have a few moments alone with my brother.
I felt like I had let Bobby down for some reason. Even though he was the big brother, it still went back to the fact that I had left home as soon as I could. I kept beating myself up over not having been there to be a better influence on him than Jace was.
The viewing room was empty when I walked in. I took in the room a minute, steadying myself before going to Bobby's side. It was a small room, the walls were a light cream color with sheer blinds softening the morning light streaming through the window.
I was a little surprised at the number of floral arrangements that were arranged around the room. I slowly walked around looking at some of the small cards stuck into the arrangements. Reading the condolences made the reality of the situation sink in and the weight on my chest grew heavier.
We had a small family. My dad's parents were still alive but they weren't able to make the journey from Texas. My mom's parents had both passed away. There were aunts and uncles, some who we did expect to come today although we hadn't seen them often over the years.
I finally drifted over to Bobby's casket, unable to avoid it any longer. Seeing Bobby lay like this was surreal. The dark suit looked good, his hair combed neatly in place. I was tempted to mess it up just a little so it looked a little more like how Bobby would wear it. I didn't though.
I hadn't seen him for a few months and I regretted every second I had missed spending with him.
“Hey big brother. I miss you man. I'm so sorry that your life came to this.” I couldn't bring myself to touch him so I thrust my hands in the front pockets of my dress slacks, standing next to the white coffin looking at nothing but his face. I took in each detail. The color of his hair, angle of his mouth, the slight bump on the bridge of his nose. The small mole under his left eye.
It was the things I couldn't see that made me miss him most. I couldn't see his bright blue eyes that had danced with mischief so often when we were kids. I couldn't see his deep dimples that won over the hearts of so many girls over the years. I couldn't see his bright smile that was usually followed by that laugh of his.
I missed my brother and the grief was like a vice on my heart. I didn't know what to say to him. I knew deep down it wasn't my fault t
hat his life had come to this. I didn't want to play the 'what if' game. What if I hadn't moved out at eighteen? What if I had stayed around for him to hang out with me instead of his other friends and Jace? What if they hadn't decided to go to the lake that weekend? What if, what if, what if.
Nothing would bring him back. Anymore than it would bring back Ian. I think I could finally understand a little of what Cyan had gone through the last two years. This pain wasn't something I would wish on my worst enemy. My heart wasn't just broken, it was shattered.
“I love you big brother. I always have.” I gripped the edge of his coffin now, my words whispered in the quiet of the room. “Thank you for teaching me how to swim, for telling me about girls and making me feel like I had the coolest brother ever.” My head dropped down, my eyes closing for a moment. “Thank you for all the memories I just can't bear to think about right now. I will hold onto them always.”
Needing to connect to him in some way I gently touched his cheek with my fingertips. The coldness of the touch matched the temperature of my heart. I reached up and touched his hair, thinking about all the times as kids he had tousled my hair whenever he walked by me. I hated it at the time, but that was his way of telling me he cared.
“Good bye Bobby,” I whispered. My gaze lingered as I slowly turned from Bobby's side, having to literally force my eyes from him, wiping the tears that had escaped, knowing I would never see my brother on this earth again.
My dad had brought my mom to the funeral home early as well and I left the viewing room as they came in. Hugging them both we drew strength from one another although no words passed between us.
I took a seat in the waiting area, planning to drive them to the cemetery. The funeral home was housed in an old converted Victorian home. The rooms were small and broken up, so different than modern homes.
The funeral home was going to bring over the flowers and Bobby's casket for the ten o'clock graveside service. We weren't sure there would be enough people at the service to have pallbearers so my dad and I planned to help the funeral home assistants as they brought the coffin out of the hearse and onto a rolling cart.
At nine-thirty I pulled into the cemetery, driving my parents. Jenna and Max pulled in behind us. Stepping out of the car I raised my eyes to the heavens. The sky was clear, just a few white clouds dotted the blue skies. The air was still, the morning pleasantly warm.
My father and I supported my mom on each side as we made our way down the gravel drive and then across the grass to the overhang and chairs that had already been setup. We had a few minutes before we expected anyone else to show up.
After my parents spent some time in the viewing room I had followed them back to the house before driving them down the mountain to the cemetery. I didn't know if Jace had gone by the funeral home for the viewing after we had left. I hoped that he would show today. My mom needed us to be together. I think it was guilt and anger toward me that was keeping him from the house.
He arrived a few minutes later and I let out a relieved sigh. I loved my brother, despite everything that had happened. He needed to be here in this moment with us.
Leaving my mom's side I crossed the grass. The look in his eyes was unreadable. I wasn't sure if he was angry or just sad. In this moment I didn't care. I just wanted him to know that I was setting aside our differences. This was Bobby's day.
Closing the distance I reached out my hand. He hesitated a brief second then shook my hand. We looked one another in the eye, giving the awkward slap on the back hug. A truce had been called, I just didn't know how long it would last.
Our family sat in the front row of the chairs. I noticed my mom's brother and sister-in-law walk up as well as a cousin and her husband. I lowered my head though, tuning out everyone else as I awaited the arrival of my brother.
The funeral director and one of his assistants had arrived a few minutes earlier. Pulling the beautiful arrangements of flowers from the mini van we silently watched them display each one under the tent. I could hear people arriving but I didn't have the strength to greet anyone.
The hearse arrived and my father, Jace and I stepped over to help the men from the funeral home unload his casket. The five of us carried it to the awaiting platform instead of using the cart. My eyes were cast down as we carried Bobby, it took all of my strength to control my grief.
After we set the casket in place I felt a pull to look up. What I saw took my breath away and the tears spilled from my eyes. Behind my family I expected to see just a handful of distant relatives. Instead I saw close to fifty people who had come to pay their respects.
I recognized our old auto mechanics teacher from high school who had taken a special interest in helping Bobby learn a trade. I saw Bobby and Jace's former boss. A man who had given them both a start in the mechanics business.
I also recognized Bobby's high school sweetheart Christine. They had broken one another's hearts after graduation. From the look on her face I wondered if she had ever gotten over him.
As I stepped toward my seat I realized that Ian's parents were also there. I recognized them from the trial. When his mom gave me an encouraging smile my heart just about broke again.
My heart stopped completely when I saw Cyan standing next to them. A man and woman stood behind her and I assumed they were her parents.
I longed to go to her but knew I couldn't. Not just because the service was going to begin, but because I didn't know if I would ever have that right again. Her beautiful green eyes shown in the light as she held my gaze. I realized that tears were running down my face but I didn't wipe at them, transfixed by her presence.
She nodded at me then, also giving me a smile of encouragement and I exhaled, not having realized that I was holding my breath. She nodded again as if to say “it's going to be okay.” Returning to my seat I realized just how much I had fallen in love with her.
Sometimes living in a small community can be tough. There doesn't seem to ever be any secrets. Everyone knows your business. But sometimes a small community rallies together around a hurting family amongst them and reminds them they're not alone.
The funeral director read a few scriptures and shared some words of encouragement. He did not talk of Bobby's transgressions in particular, but spoke of choices we make in life and the forgiveness we seek from others as well as the forgiveness we give one another. I felt that Bobby's memory had been honored and it felt good that so many had come to pay their respects.
After the service the director pulled yellow roses from the spray covering Bobby's casket, handing one to each of my parents, Jenna, Jace and myself. My mother stood and we followed her lead. Alone she walked forward and placed a kiss on the casket, patting the top and whispering words for only Bobby. Tears ran down all of our faces as we came together as a group, finally sharing the burden of our heartache with one another.
When my family had pulled apart many of those who had come to pay their respect had already turned to leave. A few remained to offer their condolences and the fact that they had come meant so much.
When Ian's parents approached I saw how terrified my mom was. I could only imagine what was going through her mind. My dad stood behind her while they came toward them. Jenna, Max and I stood off to the side watching their approach. I realized that Jace wasn't around. I didn't know if he had already left or had slipped away when he saw Ian's parents.
I remembered that Cyan had been standing near them, but glancing around I didn't see her now. My attention returned to Mr. and Mrs. Brooks and their approach toward my parents.
My mom stood stiffly awaiting Ian's mom. I think she feared some kind of rebuke, admonishment, something negative. I know she didn't expect Mrs. Brooks to grab her hands, to look her in the eye, tears running down both their faces. Then she wrapped her arms around my mother, pulling her close, and they sobbed together.
I realized my mom needed this. She needed forgiveness from this woman and she was receiving it now in this embrace. They didn't speak at a
ll, just held onto one another. I think this was a turning point for my mom. She no longer felt alone in her grief, she had someone who understood the loss of a child.
My sister put her arm through mine and laid her head on my shoulder. I hugged her to me suspecting she was thinking the same things I was. This was a wonderful moment.
Mr. Brooks walked over to my dad shaking his hand. Again, I don't think any words were spoken aloud, but so much was said in those moments and it was a beautiful conversation.
They turned and left after a few moments. Mr. Brooks had his arm around his wife's waist, supporting her as they walked across the uneven grass. Turning toward my parents I saw they were embracing.
It was time to leave and I still didn't see Cyan. I suspect that she left with her parents right at the end of the service. I couldn't blame her for avoiding me. It meant a lot to know that she had come.
A small group of family and friends came back to my parents home after the graveside service. It was a nice time of reflection and part of the healing process for my parents.
Now that Bobby had been laid to rest I wasn't sure what the future held for me. I still didn't know if the police would be showing up at my door. Should I head home, stay here, go to Cyan? I felt lost again and the feeling made me uneasy.
Chapter 30 - Cyan
I had been a little nervous when I found out that Ian's parents and my parents both planned to go to Bobby's funeral. I had wanted to go to show my support for Ryder, even though I wasn't quite ready to talk to him yet.
It was a simple yet beautiful service. Bobby had been loved in this life and his passing was as sad for his family as Ian's death had been for mine.
Letting Go Page 14