by Naomi Niles
“Hi, guys,” Lizzie said brightly when they appeared. She got to her feet unnecessarily and went to sit beside Maddie.
“This was a great idea,” Maddie said as she passed around some cold beer.
“Dylan has always been full of ideas,” Tyler said as he sat down. I wondered if the girls could notice the bitterness in his voice.
“So,” I said, pointedly ignoring Tyler. “Have you guys been in touch with the old gang?” While we were in school, it had been Maddie, Lizzie, Tony, and I. The four of us made up intimate circle, but we had also been a part of a bigger group. “Does Miles still live in town?”
“Miles ended up marrying Bridget,” Maddie replied. “They got married right after college and they moved soon after. Bridget sends me a Christmas card every year. They have a son now.”
“He’s almost two,” Lizzie filled in and I detected a soft note in her voice that I couldn’t place. She sounded happy for them, but there was another emotion there.
“We lost contact with Brett and Davis after graduation,” Maddie went on. “Lara is a lawyer and she lives in the city but we see her now and again when she comes home to visit her parents.”
“And Tony?” I asked without any real interest.
“Not sure really,” Maddie replied. “After we broke up we lost contact.”
I nodded. “We had some good times, didn’t we?”
“We had great times,” Maddie nodded, but I was waiting for Lizzie to speak. She was so quiet that it was driving me crazy. I hated not knowing what she was thinking.
“Let’s get a fire started,” Tyler suggested as he bent down and pushed some fallen twigs together in the center of our little circle. I bent down to help him and within minutes we had a roaring fire sitting between us.
The bright flames illuminated Lizzie and it seemed only to enhance her beauty. The others started talking about the town, about people they knew, about the good old days, but I could barely participate. I kept staring at Lizzie, as my desire to be alone with her just kept magnifying.
When Tyler and Maddie became engrossed in a conversation, I seized my opportunity, unable to contain myself any longer, and I went up to Lizzie. “Let’s take a walk by the creek,” I said holding my hand out to her.
I noticed the three of them exchange glances but I didn’t care. Lizzie was looking at me with those wide eyes of hers and I wondered what I would do if she invited Tyler and Maddie to come along with us. It was a long moment of hesitation, but at the end of it she took my hand and I helped her up.
We left Maddie and Tyler sitting by the campfire and we started walking along the creek. I tried to keep a grip on her hand but she slipped her fingers out of mine and we walked in silence until we were a fair distance away from the fire. I turned around and realized that we couldn’t see or hear Tyler and Maddie anymore.
“You’ve been quiet.” I observed lightly.
“Have I?” she asked. “Sorry. I’m just a little preoccupied.”
I wanted to ask what she was preoccupied with but I knew she wouldn’t answer. “Is it strange for you,” I asked cautiously. “Seeing me again after all this time?”
“Is it strange for you?” she asked in response.
“A little,” I nodded. “But it also feels … familiar, comfortable … I don’t know how to describe it.”
“You don’t have to,” Lizzie replied. “I guess I feel the same way too.”
“What made you marry Paul?” I asked abruptly, surprising even myself by the question.
She looked at me unblinkingly for a moment. “He was different when I married him. He was kinder, sweeter, and I believed he loved me.”
“How long were you married?”
“Two years,” I replied. “Things were rocky almost from the beginning of our marriage. We even had a fight on our honeymoon but I believed that we were just adjusting to one another. I had hope that things would get better. But in the end, I realized that Paul was just being Paul and there was no way to change that.
“I hated the idea of getting divorced,” Lizzie went on, dropping my gaze. “To me, it was just another failure, so I held on as long as I could, I made excuses for him, I tried to talk to him, I suggested we go to therapy together …”
“Nothing worked?”
“He had so much … pent up anger inside him,” Lizzie said. “And I was his outlet. He was controlling and jealous and I just couldn’t take it any longer.”
“You got out,” I said. “That’s the most important thing.”
She sighed. “Getting out is one thing,” she said. “Living in the same town with your ex-husband is a completely different problem.”
“Do you have much contact with him?” I asked.
“I don’t really have much of a choice there.”
I lifted my eyebrows. “What do you mean?” I demanded. “Does he still bother you?”
“It’s not important,” she said quickly, and I knew she wasn’t telling me the whole truth.
“Lizzie—?”
“You haven’t told me anything about your life,” she interrupted.
“My life?” I said.
“Yes,” she nodded. “Your life as a Navy SEAL; what’s it been like for you?”
I looked away from her for a moment. I usually didn’t like talking about it with people, but it felt different with Lizzie. It felt natural to want to share with her. This girl had been my childhood and my adolescence. I had believed once that she would be the rest of my life too.
“It’s been … hard,” I said finally. “I travel a lot, but it’s not what most people think it is.”
“I don’t imagine it would be,” Lizzie replied. “It’s not like you’re lounging out by the pool in five-star hotels.”
I laughed. “Some people tend to take that view though.”
“Do you mean Tyler?” she asked knowingly.
I sighed. “I thought the distance might have helped our relationship a little.”
“Distance very rarely does,” Lizzie said and I detected a hint of something lying just underneath her unaffected tone.
“We used to be so close once,” I said. “Tyler and I.”
“Your priorities changed,” Lizzie said with understanding. “And that pushed you both in different directions, but that doesn’t mean you have to be at odds with one another. You don’t have to be the same person to get along.”
“That’s what I think too,” I nodded. “But then Tyler and I are together and … we just piss each other off.”
Lizzie smiled. “You’re here for a few weeks,” she said. “Work on it.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“He’s your brother,” Lizzie said. “If a relationship is important enough to you, you have to make it work, no excuses.”
“Will you help me?” I asked cautiously.
“If you need it,” she said softly.
“You played beautifully today,” I said.
“I played ok,” she said looking out towards the thin stream of water that flowed past us. “I haven’t really practiced in a while.”
“Why not?” I asked. “You were so passionate about music in school; you wanted to play for crowds.”
“Those were big dreams,” Lizzie replied. “I’ve become a little more realistic since then.”
“Realistic?” I said in surprise. “Lizzie, your music was amazing … you could have played on stages for crowds of people. That was the reality I believed in.”
She smiled sadly. “No one’s going to pay to watch me play.”
“I would,” I replied.
She smiled. “You always believed in my music.”
“I believed in you.”
I could feel myself leaning into her. I could feel my resolve weaken as I stared at her. There was no way I could stand there and not kiss her. I reached out and put a hand on her waist. I felt her tense but she didn’t push me away. I pulled her forward until she was pressed up against me. Again, she didn’t resist. I bent my
head to hers and kissed her lips.
It was a soft kiss, gentle and insistent. Her lips quivered against mine and I knew she was remembering all those thousands of moments when we had stolen kisses in school or at home before our parents knew we were dating. I could taste a hundred different memories in her lips; I could taste that vibrant exuberance of youth. I could see myself more clearly, the boy I had been and the man I had become. They were so different that it surprised me and all I wanted was to lose myself in her arms.
I pulled her closer and instinctively, the kiss deepened. I could feel her arms around my neck; I could feel her lips part slightly as she gave into me. I could feel her own resolve weaken as she gave into the moment. And just like that, I was eighteen again and my future was stretched out before me. This was it, this felt right.
And suddenly, it was over and she was pushing me away from her. “No,” she said breathlessly. “I can’t do this.”
“Why not?”
She looked up at me. “Dylan,” she said softly. “I never told you this but when you left … it broke me. I wasn’t myself for a long time. You’re leaving again in a few weeks and … I can’t get involved.”
“Lizzie,” I said pleadingly. “You and I, we make sense together, don’t we …?”
“Does it matter?” she answered tiredly. “My home is here and yours is not.”
She turned and walked away before I could say another word. I wanted to call out after her, I wanted to stop her, I wanted to do a great many things, but I stayed where I was and let her go. I was older and wiser now and I could finally understand myself, but how could I explain to her that my only home had only ever been with her.
Chapter Twelve
Elizabeth
I couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss. It didn’t matter what I was doing; my thoughts eventually drifted to that moment in the woods when he had pulled me to him and kissed me like we were teenagers again.
We hadn’t spoken much after that. Dylan took me home on his bike and said goodbye at my door. He didn’t mention the kiss and neither did I, but it stood between us all the same. I had hoped that work would help take my mind off Dylan but instead I was distracted and disorganized in the library and I had made three cataloguing mistakes already.
In the end, I decided to simply focus on the kids who came into the library. I was kneeling beside one of the students, trying to help him with his reading when the library door opened and I turned instinctively to see who it was.
My breath caught as Dylan entered, dressed in dark jeans and a white t-shirt. He looked so out of place in the library and I was suddenly conscious of my appearance. He looked like Prince Charming and I looked like a dowdy old maid in comparison. He looked around searchingly and then his eyes caught mine. He smiled and I realized he was holding a single white rose.
I had always loved white roses, and on every birthday, I received one from Dylan. I narrowed my eyes and walked towards him. “What are you doing here?” I asked trying not to look too enthusiastic to see him.
“I came to see you,” he said simply. “I thought of going for a drive today and I was hoping you’d join me.”
“I’m working.”
“I see that,” he nodded unfazed. “I can wait till you’re done.”
“Dylan …”
“I brought this for you,” he interrupted me as he held the white rose out to me.
I stared at it for a moment.
“I know what you’re doing,” I said without taking the rose.
“What am I doing?” Dylan asked innocently.
“You’re trying to evoke all those memories of the two of us when we were young and in love,” I said. “So that I won’t be able to say no to you.”
He smiled mischievously. “Is it working?” I groaned and he laughed. “Come on Lizzie,” he said lowering his voice. “I’ve missed you. Let’s enjoy the time we do have together.”
I knew he was making perfect sense, only because I really wanted to spend time with him too. If I had possessed a little more self-control I would have turned him down now so that I could save myself some pain later.
“You’ll have to wait an hour,” I said.
“I’ll wait as long as I need to,” Dylan replied. “Can I sit in here?”
“You can wait outside,” I said firmly.
“Are you sure?” he asked with a wink. “I’m happy to sit back and watch you.”
“I’ll see you outside in an hour,” I said sternly.
He laughed and left the library without complaint. I turned back and realized that every single child in the library was staring straight at me. They wore smug, little looks on their faces and I prepared myself for the questions.
“Is that your boyfriend, Ms. Miller?” a chorus of voices went up and I was positive that Dylan could hear them all.
“No,” I said, shushing them with my hands. “He’s not.”
“Then why did he give you that rose?”
“Because … he knows I like them and he’s my friend,” I said reasonably.
One little girl shook her head at me as though I was in need of guidance. “A boy only gives a girl a rose if he likes her.”
“Thanks, Lucy,” I said. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
“He’s so handsome,” Rachel said. “Don’t you think so Ms. Miller?”
“He’s … all right,” I said trying to act as though I was unimpressed. “Now why don’t we get back to our books?"
No one turned back to books in their hands and I was forced to spend the next hour fielding off questions from a bunch of inquisitive eight-year-olds. I walked out onto the parking lot, tired and relieved to have finished for the day. Dylan was leaning against the car, watching me as I came forward.
“Did I ever tell you that I have a thing for librarians?” he said as I approached. “Always thought they were seriously sexy.”
I rolled my eyes at him. “There’s nothing remotely sexy about being a librarian.”
“I beg to differ,” he said as he opened the door for me.
“Where are we going?” I asked when we were driving peacefully down Carrey Drive.
“I thought we’d go down to the old farm houses out in the country,” he said. “Like we used to.”
“That’s an hour’s drive,” I pointed out.
“It’s too late,” Dylan, said wiggling his eyebrows at me. “You’re already in the car and the doors are locked.”
I shook my head and leaned back. I was only pretending to care; the truth was I didn’t mind the drive or the time. It was enough to just be with Dylan. Getting to know him again after eleven years was exciting and scary. It had been such a long time since I’d felt anything apart from boredom that I simply could not turn from him now.
“Do you like teaching?” Dylan asked.
“I don’t really teach,” I admitted. “I just help the kids out a little when they come into the library, but I’m not a teacher.”
“Maybe you should be?” Dylan suggested.
“One day,” I said.
When we were half way there, Dylan pulled to a stop at a grocery store by the roadside. We parked the car and went inside and again I was reminded of the impromptu dates we used to have when we were teenagers. We never really went to fancy restaurants; we’d just whip up something at home with the leftovers in the fridge or get a bunch of junk food from a convenience store and find some place to eat.
“Choose whatever you’d like,” Dylan said extravagantly. “Anything you want: sky’s the limit.”
We walked around the store together, buying sandwiches, pastries, chips, and candy bars that we hadn’t eaten since we were children.
“How about a slushy?” Dylan asked as we came up on the machine.
“All this and a slushy too?” I asked playfully. “It’s too much.”
Dylan winked at me. “I insist,” he said. “Actually, choose two flavors.”
“Wow,” I said. “Big spender.”
We laughed
together, made the purchase, and went back out to the car. Half an hour later, we pulled up next to wide-open spaces dotted with little farmhouses and herds of cattle. The air smelled so fresh and I couldn’t believe I hadn’t been down there in eleven years. I knew I couldn’t have come without Dylan though; it just wouldn’t have held the same magic.
“Wow,” Dylan breathed. “It feels the same.”
“It does,” I nodded as Dylan appeared from the rear of the Jeep with a blanket and a bottle of wine.
“You came prepared,” I said.
He smiled and took my hand as we walked down the open expanse of land searching for the perfect spot to sit down and have our meal. The sun was close to setting and I knew we’d be treating ourselves to a magnificent sunset. It was getting a little cooler too and I was glad that Dylan had thought to bring blankets.
“How many did you bring?” I asked gesturing at the blanket.
“Just the one,” Dylan said with a tell-tale smile.
I shook my head at him. “I could take it.”
“But then I’d be cold,” Dylan said. “And you wouldn’t want that would you?”
I gave him a dirty look and turned to face the sparse dotting of trees that lined the huge meadow. “How about that one over there?” I suggested.
“Perfect,” Dylan agreed and we walked over.
I sat down first with my back resting against the tree so that Dylan had no choice but to sit down next to me. He was closer than I was comfortable with but I didn’t gripe. He spread the blanket over our legs and then he handed me a sandwich.
“It feels the same,” he said. “Like no time has passed.”
I looked away from him. “It doesn’t really feel that way to me.”
“I’m sorry,” he said soberly. “I didn’t mean … I just …”
“I know,” I said quickly. “It’s ok; I just don’t want to pretend like things are the same. You’re leaving in a few weeks and that won’t change no matter how much time we spend together now.”
“I know.”