by Naomi Niles
Elsa would have her light someday, once she’d figured out her path in this world. Damn it if her curiosity and enthusiasm didn’t fire up my soul a little bit once I knew that she’d wanted to be out there, to see what it was she was missing. That was a rare spark in a person, and she deserved to see it turn into a fire. In would be there to see the light as long as I could.
CHAPTER 15
Elsa
I watched as he seemed to slip into something dark as we kept driving on. His thoughts seemed to be consuming him, and I crossed my arms over my chest as I fidgeted next to him in the quiet car.
I picked up my phone here and there to see what I could find on it. There were so many videos to watch on that application that I’d come across, some sweet and funny and others done to music that made me uncomfortable. There were words in the songs about sex, and I didn’t understand that, apart from what I was feeling for Aidan. That didn’t feel dirty like the music did, but like it was coming from a good place.
He’d rocked me the first night I’d met him with that wink and his charming smile. I’d never met anyone with such a natural ability to command a room with his words and his stories and that said a lot coming from a girl that survived on conversation. The world that he described to me when we were talking about phones seemed cold and unfriendly at times, and I was curious to know if others saw him the way that he saw me. He was a bright light in a dull world and even though there was a great depth of pain inside of him, Aidan had forever changed what I’d known.
I thought back to the night in the barn when he was exercising and the way that my body could hardly handle the way that it was feeling inside. If this was an attraction, I considered it a gift that I needed to cling to. The way he held my attention and laughed at me without meaning any harm was just a plus in my book as if he was genuinely entertained by my new found freedom.
I had no idea where we were headed. I knew that he’d mentioned seeing the Grand Canyon and New York, but I didn’t even know when that was. I just knew that my first kiss had just made me feel things that I never knew possible, and a part of me wanted to demand that he stop the car again. I wanted to kiss him until I couldn’t breathe and see if it calmed down my jumbled feelings inside, or if it was even as good as I imagined it would be. I wanted him to want me that way and to see myself giving in to this man that walked into my life as if it was a sign of some sort. It had to be.
I glanced at him as I saw him frown next to me.
I couldn’t do the things that were racing through my mind. I knew nothing of how to please a man. I didn’t even know how to start a kiss or if I’d even be good at it. I knew what he’d told me before he stopped the car to kiss my cheek but I had a glimpse of what was in his past with that text. A man that was as handsome as Aidan had to have a host of women in his past and what could I do that was better than what they’d done? How could I be any different? “I need to ask you something, Elsa.” His voice broke into my thoughts, and I looked at him as he fidgeted in his seat.
I watched as his phone lit up beside him on the seat and as he lifted it to see what it was, I reached forward and turned the radio on in the car. I’d seen him earlier when he was playing music on his phone and with the push of a few buttons, something was playing in the car. I was so used to the old time hymns that we sang in church that repeated the same words from a past that my community was not willing to move away from.
This music was soft strains of something with something that sounded like the organ in the background sometimes and a gritty voice singing so many emotions as I listened carefully. It wasn’t anything like any songs that I’d heard in my life before and I looked over as Aidan started singing along to the song that was playing. It reminded me of something that had been playing on his phone before, and I wondered if I’d heard this.
The car seemed so full for a moment as we drove along and he kept singing as I watched. The songs changed, but he knew them all, and before I knew it, Aidan was adding his charm into them as something seemed to lift from him. They shifted from darker to lighter as he kept right up, dancing in his seat a little bit as I couldn’t help but laugh at him. It was infectious, and I clapped along to the beat of one as I watched him dance slightly, so caught up at this moment. “What was that about?” I asked him as the song ended, and his face broke into a broad smile.
“Sex and drugs, Elsa.” I frowned. It was so catchy, and Aidan looked at me at a stoplight. “They made a good beat, and you would never know it of you didn’t pay attention to the words. That was a hit song when it came out, and I think few know what it’s really saying.”
“I can say that the songs I grew up singing said exactly what they meant. There was no hiding anything,” I told him in a somber voice as I still heard that beat playing in my head. “Did that song promote that kind of behavior? Did young people like me even know what it was?”
“I don’t think so, on both counts. For people away from the Amish lifestyle, we have our own long rumspringa. That’s what I think at any rate. It’s less traditional and not with as much…fanfare, but I did it, and my brothers and my friends did it. Our parents went through it, much like yours, and they just had to sit back and hope for the best. I never wanted to do anything because of a song that I’d heard or even what my friend was doing next to me. I just did what I wanted to do. That song that just played? It just makes me want to move along to the beat and sing along as I laugh about the meaning.” He nodded at the radio. “This song here, this is the Bestir Boys. Hear that beat and just their voices? That is what they were known for. So simple and really easy at the end of the day, but amazing music. I couldn’t get enough of these guys a few years ago.”
“The Bestir Boys?” I asked as he smiled and nodded.
Aidan sang along to the song as he bopped in his seat and I even nodded along a few times. I liked this. “You like music?” I asked him as he smiled and nodded. “I always did as well, but I always knew there was more than just the songs from the hymnal. I just had no way to hear it before, but this here in the car just plays it freely.”
“The car radio. Something almost as important as the car itself, in my mind. As a kid, I’d record my favorite songs on these tapes that I had. It was horrible quality. Then there were what we called compact disc's and MP3 players and now there a host of radio stations on that phone of yours. You can go back into any decade and just listen to what they sang about.”
I could see that Aidan was passionate about music, and I stared at him. “Do you play anything?”
“I learned a little guitar along the way. Nothing that could get me anywhere, but I wanted to join the military anyway. We always listened to music on our down time there. It held us guys together when times were hard, and we could all relate.” I sensed pain in his voice when suddenly he looked at me. “I was going to ask you something. Now I remember.”
I saw him jump as his phone lit up again but I couldn’t see what it was. “What? Is it bad?”
“No, there’s just more to the trip than planned. I need to fill you in.” Aidan told me as I looked at him. “I am on leave for a bit before I go back on a tour of duty. I wanted to see three people that I was close to once because those get riskier as time goes on. They changed my life, and I just want to thank them. This will get us to The Grand Canyon, and I’ll take you to New York if I have time as well. I’d just love to have you along with me for this time.”
“Are these three people women or men?” I asked as he shook his head.
“Women. They’re in my past, and they’ve…moved on. There was just a time when we were close, and they made a difference in my life,” he explained, and I nodded. As jealous as I was feeling, I also knew that he would move on to be one of those people for me in life. “I wish I could tell you easier that life keeps going once something has stopped in it.”
“I understand that,” I told him as he looked at me. “I do.”
“So you’ll join me?” He asked, and I nodded.
/> CHAPTER 16
Aidan
I knew that I lied about the trip by saying I was going back to the military. I hated lying to her but it was a hell of a lot easier than the truth. As it was, I was asking her to allow herself to get closer to me knowing that I was going to die. We’d just met, and I didn’t need to dump that on a girl that was just beginning to live her life.
Part of me hated that I’d come across her at all. I was ready to go and say my goodbyes and be ready to die.
“I figure we’ll drive for a while and get a room to get some sleep later tonight. I could use a shower and a bed, so I’m awake for the drive.” I told her and she smiled wistfully as I looked at her at a light.
“I wish I could drive for a while,” she said as she gave me a wide-eyed gaze.
“Maybe somewhere private and incredibly safe,” I promised her as I imagined her behind the wheel of this car. Even with all my misery, that idea turned me on, and I bit my lip to calm myself down. Staying in a room with her tonight, assuming that she’d allow that, would be hard enough without my body ready for her. I needed a shower, both to clean myself up as well as to release a little pent up steam that was burning inside of me. I know that it wasn’t just for any woman, least of all the women that I was going to see on this trip. I suspected that she thought otherwise with her earlier questions, but Elsa got my body going like no other woman had done before. The timing was abysmal with everything that was pending in my life and I knew I’d have to say goodbye, but this trip was worth all of that pain.
“Really? You’ll teach me?” Elsa asked, and I almost groaned in response. There was a lot that I wanted to show her.
“If we come across a place that’s empty, I will. You can’t get caught by the cops without a license, and I don’t want to pull the plug on this road trip.” I told her again as she smiled. “Once we’re headed out, I am going to keep going. You’re sure that you’re in?”
“Yes, Aidan. I want to go.” She gave me a beautiful smile, and I cursed myself for lying to her as I punched the gas. “So where are we headed first?”
“Wisconsin is our first stop. I figure we’ll drive through and stay a night or two and catch up. It’s been years since I’ve seen her, so there’s a lot to talk about. It’s a beautiful little state from what I’ve seen. There’s a lot of water, and we can find a few spots to stop on the way through. I think it’ll take a couple of days to get there, so let’s drive as long as we can stand it today and sleep through the night.”
She asked about the first woman that we were visiting, and I brushed her off. It wasn’t going to make her feel any better hearing about the fact that I was in love with this woman at one time and that we’d slept together. In her innocence, Elsa would focus on that and be insecure, even more so than she already was. That wasn’t the point of this trip, and I wouldn’t be tempted even if there was a chance.
Things had changed. This was about making peace with myself and with my past. This was about closing my eyes for the last time knowing that I’d told the people that needed to hear it that they meant something to me. Despite the way my body wanted the woman in this car with me, I wanted to hold off and not drag her any deeper into this hole that I was digging. I knew that it would be so hard, and I gave her a long look before I pressed on the gas.
I wondered if Elsa was up for this until I pictured her face when she told her family that she was leaving with me. She could handle it and hell, she might be stronger than me.
We made small talk as we drove through Ohio and she pointed at the horses and buggies there. They had their own population of Amish and Elsa chuckled as we saw spots for them at some of the local stores when we stopped for dinner at McDonald’s. It was far from my favorite place, but it was a novelty to her, and she ate the Big Mac and fries with a smile.
I bought us both a sundae before we hit the road again and she ate it carefully in the car as she sat quietly next to me. She stared as we drove past Lake Erie when the sun was starting to descend, and I stopped so we could let her get some pictures. Elsa had been taking a lot since the phone had charged. I knew the first one was of me, and I grinned as she took one more of the lake. “Come over here.” I positioned us before the water and the bright orange sky as I turned the phone and snapped one of us. “This is called a self. Very popular these days.”
We walked back to the car, and I showed her how to scroll through the pictures she’d taken before we started the rest of the trip. She stared at them in awe as the radio played in the background and I enjoyed the evening air and the way the sky was changing colors. Elsa took several pictures of it even though she’d seen a sunset. It was just different here, and I longed to get her on a beach where she could see it drop behind the ocean in a variety of colors.
She researched the places we were driving through on the phone and read me facts about the cities and the states as I laughed at her enthusiasm. Elsa wanted to know everything, and she looked at pictures as much as she stared through the car window.
“I’ve never not known where I was going to be sleeping before. What state or city. This is so weird but wonderful,” Elsa told me as I glanced at the sky.
“I think tonight it’s going to be Michigan. It’s a good point to stop and get some rest.”
“Will we share a room?” Elsa asked in a soft voice, and I licked my lips.
“Do you mind doing that?” I asked her and waited for her answer in the dark of the road.
“No, I don’t want to sleep alone my first night away from home.” There was something sad in her voice, and I regretted taking her away from them for a moment. I’d never seen such a thing when she walked to my car with me and told her family that she was leaving. There was such determination in her voice, and I had no choice but to do what she was asking me.
“You’ll never be alone on this trip.” I found myself promising her as I was tempted to reach out and hold her hand. I slid mine across the seat, and our fingers touched before I joined our hands together. “You’re brave for leaving and for doing this.”
“It’s tradition. I just think that I’m taking it a step further than most.” Elsa joked, and I squeezed her warm palm. “I wonder if they’re worried about me.”
“Of course, they are,” I assured her as I glanced at her. “You’re their daughter, and you left with me. I think they liked me just fine, Elsa but not enough to be happy about their baby walking out of the door with me. They’re thinking the worst, I’m sure.”
“What did you think?” Elsa asked me, and I swallowed the lump in my throat.
“I wasn’t sure. I felt like the scum of the Earth for taking you, but I knew it was what you wanted. I wanted to be the one to keep you safe, and to be honest; you were so refreshing to me.” I shook my head. “Beautiful too. Who could resist you?”
I felt her smiling in the car as I thought about the room that we were going to have to get soon. I was scared to be alone with her, but I knew that I could have some willpower. She was innocent, and I wanted her to stay that way despite what traditions some of the other kids practiced during rumspringa. I wanted her to stay that way despite the fact that I wanted to show her everything that I knew and hear her moan my name.
I wanted her to stay that way even as I hated the idea of another man touching her, loving her. I forced myself to wait until we were in Michigan before I finally pulled into a place that was nice enough for a girl like her but something I could afford. “Time for some rest?”
She was peering at the building with a scared look in her eyes. “Sure. Yes.”
“It’s clean here. Nothing fancy because we need to get a few of these along the way, but it’s comfortable and good enough for you.” She stared at me, and I cleared my throat. “Want to come in?” She took in everything as I opened the glass door to the lobby and watched her walk inside. We walked over to the desk, and I asked for a room for the night as the brunette behind the counter eyed me as she checked the computer. She went through the normal se
lections and looked at Elsa as she told me that she had something.
I smiled when I felt someone grab my hand and looked over at Elsa. “Thank you,” her voice was firm, and the girl looked at me with a small frown on her face. I filled out the paper and gave her my credit card to pay before she slipped a room key across the desk and told us to have a good night.
CHAPTER 17
Elsa
I couldn’t believe that we were driving all over the United States. Before this, I thought that I might get into Philadelphia at best like some of the other Amish kids that I knew. I was lucky to be in this car with Aidan having such a good time, as confusing as it was sometimes.
I wondered about the women that he was visiting. He cared deeply about them, and I wondered if they were lovers that he wanted to reconnect with. In that case, I wondered why he was bringing me along, but I shoved my doubts aside and told myself to enjoy this freedom. I was a lot luckier than most even though it seemed a little crazy that I was going with him at all. I just felt inside that I’d be safe and well taken care of and be able to make a proper decision about my future once this adventure was over.
I sensed that there was something dark about Aidan that he was hiding from me. Even with all of his winks and flirting, there was torment in his bottomless eyes. My mother had always told me that I was sensitive to people even from a young age and that they often talked to me as I’d listen as if I was going to fix everything.
I wish that I could fix Aidan.
We had McDonald’s on the way and ate in the car. I ate a big burger with cheese and fries and a soda and Aidan even bought me a sundae after to eat as we drove further into Michigan. It was so good and sweeter than anything I’d had before.