His gut twisted into knots just thinking about telling Kat why he didn’t trust women–would never trust women. Frank was the only person who knew the story. Perhaps unloading the burden he’d carried for over fifteen years would be good for him. Even though she tugged at his heartstrings, Kat was a stranger. Wasn’t it easier to tell hidden secrets to strangers?
“Well?” Impatience in Kat’s voice prodded him to begin.
Jude bit the bullet. “I thought I had a perfect life while I was growing up, that I belonged to a perfect family.” Talk about seeing through romantic lenses, he chided himself. He stared through the skylight. A trillion stars shimmered in the sky, making his personal problems seem insignificant in the grand scheme of life.
“Go on.” Kat’s voice floated to him in encouragement.
He continued in a flat, emotionless voice. “When I turned fifteen, my perfect world fell apart. My parents were killed in a car accident. Frank Rowe and his wife raised me, my brother and my sister.”
“Frank Rowe. Isn’t he your supervisor?” Kat asked.
“Yeah, but he’s more than that. He and my father worked together at the Bureau for years. They were good friends, as well as co-workers. Anyway, at the burial, I noticed a stranger standing off by himself crying. Curious, I walked over and introduced myself. Asked his name and how he knew my parents. It took him a while to stop crying. When he did he told me I looked like her. I asked him if he meant my mother. He nodded and words gushed from his mouth like rats from a sewer pipe. He told me how happy he and my mother had been for the past eight years. How much he’d loved her. How much she’d loved him.”
Jude stopped speaking and focused his eyes on the sparkling sky. “I ran behind some trees and puked. All those years, I thought my mother loved my father, loved all of us. But it was all a sham. We’d lived a life full of lies.
Closing his eyes, he waited for the familiar pain and bitterness to overtake him. Nothing happened. Nothing except a strong feeling of relief.
“That’s not true, Callahan.” Kat landed on the end of his bed. “Your mother loved you all enough to stay and make a home. The fact that no one suspected her secret proves how much she loved you. She wanted to be a part of your family, even if she did find love elsewhere, as well.
“She could have run off and left you all, but she didn’t, did she? You shouldn’t judge your mother so harshly,” Kat chided him. “You’ve no idea what demons drove her to fall in love with someone else. There’s an Indian proverb you should keep in your heart. Do not judge your neighbor until you walk two moons in his moccasins. Remember the love your mother showered on you for fifteen years and forget the rest.”
Jude stared into Kat’s eyes, stunned by the compassion in them. He wanted to drag her into his arms. Was she aware of the effect she had on him? She had to be. “Unless you plan to join me in this bed, I suggest you return to your own. Now!” He hardly recognized his own voice.
“And if I want to share your bed?” Her chin tilted, a challenge in her eyes.
“I’d say you’re crazy. There’s no future in it–for either of us.” He steeled himself against his yearning to make love to her. “It would be a one night stand, nothing more. Unless I’ve misread you, you’re a woman destined for a home and a couple of kids.” He searched her face, but found no clues of her feelings or thoughts.
Without another word, she returned to her bed.
Sleep still wouldn’t come to Jude, even though Kat remained silent. He concentrated on the stars, rehashing his childhood and the subsequent death of his parents. For years, his mother had been having an affair, but was Kat right? Maybe it was time to forgive and forget. What gave him the right to judge her life? He remembered all the assignments that took his father away from home for weeks at a time. As an adult, he better understood the loneliness his mother must have lived with. He thanked God that his siblings knew nothing of her secret.
*****
Kat thought about what Jude had said. Was she the type of woman who wanted a home and children? To be honest, she’d never given it much thought. That is, until today. Until she’d met Jude. Until he’d put the thought in her head. She tossed and turned, finally falling into a troubled sleep. Then the dream came.
The military convoy crept along the road in the sandstorm. Grit swirled, bouncing off the windshield like ice pellets. Each convoy took its toll on every one of them. Hoping against hope that they wouldn’t be attacked or hit a bomb planted in the road. Without warning, the Humvee in front of hers exploded, spewing fire and debris. Horrified, Kat watched, helpless. She needed to protect her soldiers. Frantic, she fought to get out of her vehicle, but she remained trapped and powerless. She kicked at the door with both feet, but it wouldn’t open. No matter which way she moved, she was unable to escape and take command of the situation. She twisted left, then right, fighting the invisible restraints, holding her down. She opened her mouth and screamed her frustration .
*****
A strange mewing noise woke Jude. His muscles tensed and his hand dropped to the floor for his weapon. He strained his ears, wondering if it was a two legged animal outside. He relaxed. The muffled noises came from Kat. She moaned and thrashed on the bed. Hair rose on the back of his neck when her bloodcurdling scream ripped through the loft.
He rolled from his bed just as she jerked upright, her arms tearing at the sheets and blankets. He bounded over and pulled her into his arms. She continued to fight her invisible enemy. He realized she attempted to escape from her sheets. He yanked off the bedding tangled around her lower body.
“Kat, wake up.” he crooned, holding her close as he rubbed his hands up and down her back. “It was just a dream.” Hot tears dripped on his arm.
“I’m okay,” she sniffed and pushed herself out of his arms. “You’re right. It was only a dream. Sorry I woke you.” Using the corner of the sheet, she wiped her eyes and nose, sniffing a few times.
He tucked a silky strand of hair behind her ear. “I wasn’t sleeping,” he lied. “Want to talk about it?”
“No.” She barked harshly, then softened her tone. “No, I don’t.” She pushed away from the bed and headed for the stairs. “I need some fresh air.”
Jude rushed after her. “Wait! Don’t go outside by yourself.”
Yeah right. Like he expected her to listen to him.
The screen door slammed, and he hurried over to look out the windows that almost covered the entire wall of the loft. She walked across the lawn in the moonlight, her white nightgown giving her a ghostly appearance. When she reached the end of the wharf, his eyes widened in disbelief as she whipped the nightgown over her head and dropped it. Small was not skinny. Her body was more beautiful than he’d imagined. Her breasts were large for her small frame, and she had the tiniest waist he’d ever seen. The muscles in her back and legs were proof of her military training. In combat, she’d be a match for most men. In a flash, she dove into the lake and disappeared.
He descended the stairs at a run, carrying his Beretta in one hand, zipping his pants with the other. On his way through the kitchen he grabbed a towel.
Half-way down the wooden wharf he caught a glimpse of her head moving through the water a distance from the shore. He opened his mouth to holler for her to get her ass back in the lodge, but the sound would carry in the still night. A clicking sound came from behind. He pivoted, dropped to one knee his Beretta ready to fire.
Dispelling his breath, he lowered the weapon. “Hey, Red. Good way to get shot.” Red grinned, and Jude patted his head. “Coming out for a midnight swim, buddy? You need your toenails clipped.” He continued petting the dog’s head while Red looked at him with adoring eyes. Plopping himself down at the end of the dock, Jude dangled his bare feet in the water, watching Kat. She swam with the grace of a mermaid. The moonlight caused a ripple effect on the lake giving him a sense of peace. He liked the sound of the water lapping gently against the rocks on the shoreline.
After several minutes he hoi
sted himself up and headed back to the lodge. The night seemed peaceful, but he’d sit on the porch just in case.
“What’s the matter, Callahan?” Kat’s voice rang out in the night silence. “Afraid of the water? You can swim, can’t you?”
Fists clenched, he turned toward back. “I can,” he kept his voice soft, but the sound still carried over the lake. “Someone should play security guard around here. Don’t you agree?”
“You’re right.” Jude heard sadness in her tone. “I lost my head for a minute.” With strong powerful strokes she swam to the dock, pulled herself onto the planks and stood there in all her naked glory.
Motionless, he gawked at her like a love struck adolescent.
“Jeez, Callahan,” Kat smiled, a much too innocent smile. “You’ve seen naked women before.” She bent to retrieve the towel on the dock, the movement swinging her breasts forward. She took her sweet time wrapping the towel around her nakedness.
His groin tightened, and his entire body ached. “One of these days—” Jude’s look promised retribution.
“Promises, promises,” Kat quipped, using the towel to hide a smile. “Let’s toast some marshmallows.”
Her rapid change of subject threw him. “What? It’s one o’clock in the morning, and you want to toast marshmallows?” His eyes narrowed as the truth dawned. “You’re afraid to go back to sleep, aren’t you?”
Kat shrugged, snuggling into the huge soft towel. “Sometimes I can’t sleep after the nightmare.”
So whatever demons plagued her sleep, it happened often. “Well, tonight, you’re not only going back to sleep, you’ll sleep like a baby.”
“Oh? And why is that?” She smiled again. “Are you going to drug me–or perhaps knock me out?”
“Nope. Neither one. Come on,” Jude gave her a push toward the lodge. “Back to bed.”
Within minutes, Kat was back in bed, this time wearing an oversized T-shirt. “On your belly.” Jude’s voice brooked no argument. Sitting on the edge of her bed, he began to massage her back and shoulders, his thumbs finding all the knots in her muscles.
Kat groaned her pleasure.
“I knew you’d enjoy it,” Jude said, his voice hoarse. Massaging her body caused serious ramifications to his own. “You need to relax. Close your eyes and forget everything except how good this feels.”
“Don’t stop,” she whispered. A few minutes later her soft steady breathing told Jude she’d drifted off to sleep. He kept massaging her back. A half hour later, he was reluctant to stop touching her. Her skin was so soft. Caressing her felt good–and right. He knew he was floundering, getting in way over his head. He and Kat had nothing in common. They didn’t even want to live in the same part of the planet. He could understand why she wouldn’t be happy in a city. But why the hell would she want to live here? He didn’t think he’d be able to handle living in this God forsaken place, no matter how much his hormones were telling him, “You can do it. You can do it.” Finally, he lay down next to her–just in case she had another nightmare. He lied to himself and felt no guilt whatsoever. He drifted off to sleep, enjoying the feel of her small feminine body cuddled next to him.
*****
Kat woke, confused at the heat radiating against her. Red must have climbed on the bed during the night. She reached out to pat his head, and her fingers touched smooth bare skin. Her eyes shot open. Jesus, why was she sleeping next to Jude Callahan. The nightmare tickled her memory. Jude had massaged her back. The best massage she’d ever experienced, and then she’d fallen asleep. But why was he still in her bed? They lay spoon style, the front of her body curled against his back.
Kat tried to sit up but his shoulder trapped her hair. Relaxing onto the mattress, she indulged her senses, allowing her hungry gaze to roam his body. She’d felt his pain last night as he confided in her and hoped she’d helped him let go of his anger against his mother.
This man had gotten to her. She’d never had the remotest inclination to spend her life with a man and have children. Before he’d arrived, she was content to be alone. In a matter of hours, he’d infiltrated her life in ways she’d never dreamed possible. He’d put thoughts in her head. Thoughts about a soul mate. Thoughts of being a mother.
Change is a sign of growth, Marunga.
Kat smiled. Hearing her Grandmother’s voice no longer seemed strange. Instead, it filled her with joy. Without thought, she reached over and lightly ran her fingers over Jude’s muscled arm. His body twitched once before he bolted into a sitting position, looking as confused as she’d been on first waking.
“Good morning.” Kat smiled. “Did you sleep well?” She enjoyed the myriad of emotions passing across his face. First confusion, then embarrassment and finally lust.
“Ah, good morning.” He yawned and rubbed his eyes. “I—ah—didn’t intend to fall asleep in your bed.”
“No harm done,” Kat replied mischievously. “I enjoyed waking up next to a warm body. At first I thought Red had climbed in bed with me.”
Jude laughed. “Gee, thanks. First time I’ve been mistaken for a dog.” He turned on his side, facing her. “What are the plans for the day? Do you think it makes sense for us to do some scouting?”
Kat frowned, giving his question serious thought. “I’m not sure. My head tells me trouble will find us soon enough without searching for it. My gut tells me to go find some butt to kick. But you’re the FBI agent,” she teased. “I’ll let you make the call.”
“Minx.” Jude reached over and tousled her hair.
She lost herself in his sleepy eyes. Kat gasped when he threaded his fingers through her hair.
“I’d better get up,” she squeaked. Heat pooled at the apex of her thighs, and she felt moisture seep from within.
Jude cleared his voice. “You’re right.”
He wanted her. She saw it in his eyes, and the knowledge put goose bumps on her arms. Kat wasn’t sure who moved first. Perhaps they moved in unison, but their mouths met, and the outside world ceased to exist.
What began as a tentative, gentle kiss changed to one of hunger and need. They shared the role of aggressor. One backed off, the other advanced. Their give and take kisses rocked Kat down to her toes.
She pulled away to gulp some air. Jude’s mouth plundered her neck and ears. She gasped as he gently sucked her earlobe. She buried her face in his neck and tasted his salty skin with her tongue.
Needing to be closer, Kat pushed him onto his back and rolled on top of him. His hardness against her stomach brought her a realm of excitement she never knew existed. She cupped his face with her hands to recapture his mouth.
Jude’s hands held her hips, stilling her squirming movements. “Ah, Kat, you’re killing me,” he breathed against her neck. We have to stop now, or it’ll be too late.”
“I don’t want to stop,” Kat panted, leaving a trail of wet kisses down his chest to his stomach, before working her way back to his face. Their mouths welded together in an erotic mating ritual.
“Don’t,” Kat protested when Jude flipped her on her back and moved away.
“Kat, listen to me.”
She didn’t want to listen. She didn’t want to see the seriousness in his eyes. She just wanted to touch and be touched. To feel the pleasure he brought her.
“If we make love, everything between us changes. Are you ready for that?”
She tried to listen to him, but the blood pooled low in her belly, demanding her attention. “Yes, I’m ready. I want you.” She ran her fingers down his rib cage. Just touching him sent sparks of desire flaring through her body.
Jude’s finger traced a circle around her nipples hidden beneath her nightshirt. He leaned down and nuzzled them through the fabric.
Never known for patience, Kat sat up, ripped off the offending garment and threw it on the floor. She pulled his head to her breasts, her nipples demanding equal attention. Something strange and wonderful was happening here, and she wanted it to happen.
In a fever pitch, sens
ations inside her climbed higher and higher until her body exploded into shards of pleasure. Light as a feather, she floated back to reality. Jude’s face was still buried in her neck, his breathing harsh and fast.
“That was…I don’t have a word for it right now,” Kat murmured. Jude lifted his head and attempted to smile. His face was strained, the cords in his neck visible. It was then she realized he’d not experienced the same release.
“Thank you.” She brushed her hand down his face.
He smiled again, the tenderness in his eyes melting her heart. For the first time she noticed the small cleft in the bottom of chin.
“You’re welcome. You’re beautiful.”
Heat rose in her face. Her fingers played with the hair on his flat stomach. One quick look showed her how aroused he still was. Sliding her body further down the bed, she nibbled on his stomach before she stuck her tongue in his belly button.
His body jerked, almost knocking her off the bed. “Enough, Kat,” he gasped. “Wait a minute.”
Kat watched while he stripped off the jeans he’d slept in. He sat on the edge of the bed, fumbling through his wallet.
“What are you doing,” she asked, her finger tracing his spine from top to bottom.
“Finding protection,” he mumbled.
“Oh.” Another wave of embarrassment swept over her. Protection had never occurred to her. How bad was that?
He slipped out of his jeans and into the condom, then reached for her. “You’re driving me crazy.”
Those four words made her happy. Never in her life had she felt so wanted, so special. “Are we ready for the real thing?”
“The real thing?” He laughed, pulling back to look into her eyes. “What do you mean?”
“Well, before—” she searched for the right words. “What happened earlier isn’t the normal way.”
“I assume you’re referring to lovemaking and your climax? There’s no right or wrong way to do ‘it’. You’re sweet.”
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