I take a seat at my desk and open my laptop, fully intent on getting some work done.
I check my emails hoping there’s new information on this mess. It’s killing me to sit around like this. I’m used to getting answers, to take down the threat. The email folder is empty and it makes frustration and anger explode in me.
“Dammit!” I slam my hand down on the table and that’s when I see the piece of paper. I frown and pick it up. It’s a torn page with something written on it.
I read the words again and again, not sure what I’m supposed to make of it. Hell, if I know.
I shove it into my top drawer and then turn back to my laptop. I’m tired of waiting. My contact at the CIA needs to get the information I need now.
Riley~
It’s become routine for me to help Amelia make breakfast. Some days we make pancakes and bacon, and other days it’s bacon and eggs, but there’s always bacon. Amelia says the men can’t live without bacon.
Today is a pancake and bacon day. I suck at making pancakes, and I’m sure Charlie is tired of eating all my flops, so I just stick to frying the bacon.
It’s nice spending time with Amelia. She has a calming personality, just like Miles. It’s also become a thing for me and Miles to do the dishes at night. What I like most is that I never have to talk around them. They’re just always there, supporting me in their silent way.
But when they’re in the same room, sparks tend to fly.
Speaking of the devil, Miles comes into the kitchen and I smile, already knowing he’s going to tease Amelia in some way.
“You burning the pancakes again, Quinn?”
I press my lips together tightly to keep from laughing. Amelia hates it when Miles calls her by her last name.
I glance at her, trying to not make it obvious that I’m watching their interaction. She scowls down at the pan, refusing to even give him the time of day.
He goes to stand behind her and then looks at the pancakes from over her shoulder. “Yeah, definitely some smoke I see there, or is it coming from that short temper you have?”
She elbows him in the ribs, and he steps back, grabs hold of his side and groans loudly.
“You wound me woman.”
“I’m going to unman you if you keep it up,” she grumbles.
He chuckles and then steps back into her space again, whispering seductively, “Didn’t know you were the kinky type.”
Amelia swings around and shoves Miles back. She keeps shoving at his chest until he’s out of the kitchen. I quickly set the pan with bacon to the side and try to save the pancake she was busy with.
I’d love to hear what she’s saying to him but I can’t hear them from the kitchen. I try to get the spatula under the pancake, but just like all the other, it scrunches up.
I pull a face and scrape it all to the side. “Charlie, here’s another. I’m never going to get this right.” I turn around and I’m surprised to see Griffin leaning against the counter, watching me.
I smile and squeeze by him, feeling self-conscious that he caught me talking to Charlie. I dish the flopped pancake into Charlie’s bowl and then watch as Charlie gobbles it down.
Amelia comes back into the kitchen with an apologetic look on her face. But her cheeks are flushed and her lips look a little swollen. Did they kiss? Damn, this thing between her and Miles is better than any book.
I point at her with the spatula. “Did you …?” I tilt my head and start to laugh. “You so kissed him. It’s written all over your face.”
She frowns at me. “Don’t be silly.” But the blush on her cheeks deepen, telling me that I’m spot on with my assumption. I wonder why she’s trying to keep her feelings a secret.
She takes the pan and spatula from me and mumbles, “You’re dangerous with these. Let me have them.”
I look at Griffin, only to see him smiling at me. Seeing him smile because of something I did makes my stomach flutter unexpectedly.
“I’m going to go read some more. There should be enough bacon.” I quickly walk to the library that’s become my safe haven lately.
I’m confused by the flutter of emotion I felt. I still feel sick to my stomach about what happened to my family. I still struggle with the flashbacks and nightmares, but, lately, good feelings have been returning slowly. I catch myself laughing at Miles and Amelia, or when Camden is teasing Skylar. And now the fluttering feeling around Griffin? It must be because of all the romances I’ve been reading. That’s the only plausible explanation I can think of.
I’ve just finished writing another note and tear it out of the journal.
It’s late and I take the chance of Griffin being asleep so I can sneak into his office.
We’ve been having hot chocolate more often now and I have to admit that I’m starting to treasure the time I get to spend with Griffin. He has a way of making me feel better. When I walk into the kitchen, I find Camden making coffee.
I’m just about to walk down the passage when he says, “Griffin’s not there. I think he said he’d be by the pool if anyone needs him.”
“Oh,” I say and nod to the office. “I just want to drop off something. I’ll be quick.”
“Have you seen Skylar?” he asks, looking deep in thought.
“Nope, sorry. Maybe she’s in her room writing or painting?”
“Yeah, I’ll go check on her quickly.”
I smile widely. “I’m sure she’d like it.” I shouldn’t encourage him, but I just can’t help myself. If I can help two people find each other, then that will be awesome.
I hurry, hoping I don’t get stopped again. I place the note on Griffin’s desk and then stare at the words I wrote.
The words hit so hard but they’re true. I have to start focusing on the beautiful times I shared with my family. That awful day they were ripped away from me will always haunt me, but I can’t let that be all I remember of them. It wouldn’t be fair.
I had the best family a girl could ask for, and they deserve to be remembered for the amazing people they were.
I’m just struggling with the guilt that I didn’t spend enough time with them while they were here. I took them for granted, and that will always eat away at me.
I wish I could have one more minute just so I could tell them how much they all meant to me.
Life has become a huge mystery for me. I used to think I had it all figured out.
I glance around Griffin’s office and then slowly walk out. I’m just about to walk up the stairs and go back to the library when I change my mind.
Slowly, I open the door to the indoor pool and peek inside. I don’t see Griffin and take a step into the room, closing the door behind me.
The lights are on and the cover is pulled back, exposing the crystal blue water.
I walk around the pool and then the hot tub comes into sight. I stop and instantly feel a lump forming in my throat.
Griffin is sitting on the side of the hot tub, still dressed in his jeans and t-shirt. He’s wet from head to toe and his whole demeanor looks broken as he sits with his face buried in his hands.
Concern and empathy ripples through me. My heart swells for this broken man, and somehow seeing him like this is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. He’s strong and vulnerable all at once.
I don’t even think about it as I hurry to go to him. I climb into the hot tub, not caring that my clothes are getting wet.
Griffin looks up with surprise and I can’t tell if it’s water or tears on his cheeks. Seeing the grief and pain in his eyes wakes up something in me, something I’ve thought I’ve lost. There’s a strong need in me to kiss all his pain away. The desire to take care of him is unexpected and overwhelming all at once.
I wade through the small space of water between us and then squeeze my way in between his legs. I place my arms around his neck and then hug him to me.
His arms come around my waist, and he pulls me closer. He buries his face in my chest and I feel his body shudder. Although h
e’s vulnerable right now, I still feel the strength of his body against mine. I feel the power in his legs as they press against mine.
I let my left hand go around the back of his neck and my fingers tangle in his hair. I hold him tightly, trying to tell him with my silence that I’m here for him.
I’ve been so selfish. I’ve only thought of myself, of my loss and my pain. Griffin has done so much for me, but he has no one to comfort him.
I stand like that, just holding him for the longest time before he pulls back and looks up at me. There’s a heartbroken expression on his face, and it makes the blue of his eyes look like stormy waters.
My eyes caress his face and then I lean forward, placing a kiss to his forehead. I wish I could take his pain away. I know how awful it is to live with the constant bitterness and aching that’s suffocating you, and I don’t want him to feel that.
I press another kiss to his forehead and then the side of his temple. I pull away slightly and our eyes meet.
The sound of the rushing water behind me fades away until I only hear my heart as it beats loudly in my chest. I feel that nervous fluttering in my tummy.
It feels so good to feel something else … something good.
I start to lean in again. My eyes drop to his mouth, and as I get closer I can feel his breaths fanning over my lips.
“Riley,” he whispers, “what are you doing?”
There’s no anger in his words. They aren’t harsh or loud, just a soft whisper … yet they hit me off my feet.
I quickly scramble away from him and in my hurry and embarrassment, I fall backwards. The water rushes over my head but as quickly as I go under, I dart back up and start to stumble to the edge.
I can’t believe I was about to kiss him! What the hell was I thinking? Just because I have all these feelings for him, it doesn’t mean that I can act on them.
“Wait,” he says and this time there’s a ton of emotion in his voice.
I’m scared I’ve angered him by crossing a line which should never have been crossed, especially under the circumstances. I quickly step out of the hot tub and make a run for the door. My wet feet slap against the tiles and the sound echoes off the wall.
“Riley! Wait up,” he calls out from behind me, but there’s no way I can face him right now. I just want to crawl into a corner and die of humiliation.
He grabs hold of my arm and it brings my whole body to a sudden stop. I try to pull my arm free from his grip but it only makes my feet slip on the tiles. He spins me around and takes hold of both my arms.
“Let’s talk about this,” he snaps.
I keep my head lowered and my eyes on my feet. There’s a puddle of water forming at our feet and I wish I could melt into it.
This is the last thing I want to talk about. I did something very stupid. My mind starts to race as I search for an excuse that will save me from this awkward moment, but I can’t think of one.
Panic swells in my chest. What if I screwed things up? Griffin is the only person I have left in my life. If he tells me to leave this place, I don’t know what I’d do.
“I’m so sorry,” I start to ramble, just wanting to make the last thirty minutes vanish. “Mom taught me better than that. I have no excuse for my behavior. I’m just …”
Griffin’s hands slip over my jawline and it makes all my words dry right up. He nudges my face up and I let my eyes dart to the wall to avoid looking into his eyes.
“I … I … I,” I stammer, unable to talk my way out of this mess.
“Shh…” Griffin’s hands slip behind my neck and he pulls me to his chest. I’m so glad to have a place to hide my face.
“It’s okay,” he whispers. He holds me a little while and then says, “We’re in a bad place, Riley. You’re not thinking straight, and neither am I. It’s normal to seek affection, to want to feel like you belong.”
He pulls away from me and gives me a slight smile that makes him look dangerously handsome. My stomach instantly does that stupid fluttering thing that got me in trouble in the first place.
“I need you, and you need me. We just have to be careful to not cross any lines that we’ll regret crossing at a later stage. We’re not ready to get involved right now. Let’s first deal with everything and get back to a healthy place.”
I nod and pull away from him, putting a safe distance between us.
“You’re right,” I whisper, still feeling ashamed. “I’m really sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. You’ve been so good to me, and I just wanted to comfort you.”
I start to walk away from him as I feel the need to run build up again.
“Thank you,” he says and it makes me glance over my shoulder at him. “Thank you for comforting me, Riley. It means so much that you don’t hate me for what happened.”
I give him a tiny smile and then make a run for my room. I need to deal with what happened and I somehow have to get my act together, because that can never happen again.
Showering doesn’t help one bit to make me feel better. I go to stand by my window and look out over the dark courtyard. I haven’t been outside in a long while. I go to the closet and grab a thick sweater. I pull it over my head and then sit on the floor. I grab a pair of warm boots from the back of the closet and quickly drag them on.
I sneak out of my room and hurry to the nearest exit. I’m thankful when I don’t run into anyone. I close the door softly behind me and then walk to the cemetery.
When I get to the fence, I stop and stare at the dark graves of my family. I pull the sleeves of the sweater over my hands and slowly walk into the cemetery.
It’s weird. Usually, cemeteries have an eerie vibe, but that all changes when it’s your loved ones buried beneath the ground. Then it’s just so heartbreakingly sad. Although you’re surrounded by your loved ones, it’s still the loneliest place on earth.
I stop in front of Mom’s grave and struggle as images of Mom on fire start to flash through my mind. I just can’t understand how someone could be so cruel. I’d never be able to hurt someone, even if they’ve hurt me. What makes you so cruel, so malicious that you can hurt people like that? Some questions are just not meant to be answered, but it’s those questions that drive you to insanity.
“Mamma,” I whisper and my heart clenches. “I miss you.” I go down on my knees and tuck my hands between my legs. I just stare at the grave, unable to say anything else.
Even though I’m outside and it’s cold, I still feel the heat of the flames.
I still smell it.
I still hear it.
It still eats away at me, and soon there won’t be anything left.
Griffin~
It’s been a week since the incident by the pool. Riley is avoiding me, and that bothers the hell out of me.
Every time I walk into a room she’s in, she makes some excuse to leave. We haven’t been alone since and I only know she’s doing okay because of the feedback from Amelia and Miles.
My eyes jump from one screen to the other. I can feel Camden’s glares but ignore them.
“This is my hiding place,” he grumbles.
I just give him a look. I can’t deal with whatever is going on between him and Skylar.
I’ve contemplated cornering Riley in her room so we can talk about the almost kiss.
But I’m a coward.
Riley is beautiful, so beautiful she makes you feel things.
She has the power to take your breath away. She has the power to make you feel like you’d die from the cold if you don’t stay near her warmth. She has the power to make you feel … to make you want … to make you think about a future.
She’s gorgeous, and if I were any less of a man I’d take advantage of her. I wouldn’t stop at one kiss. But that’s not the kind of man I am. I’ve done some pretty bad shit in my life, taking out Volkov being one of them, but I’ll never sink so low that I’d take advantage of a vulnerable woman.
Besides, how do I tell her that she deserves better? She deser
ves the love of someone who didn’t kill her family.
She deserves a man who will fight for her, a man who will move heaven and earth to make her smile.
She deserves to be loved unconditionally, and I can’t do that. I can’t even love myself right now.
I feel so small, like a fragmented version of the man I used to be. I’m tired. Life took its best swing at me, and it knocked me flat on my ass.
Movement catches my eye, pulling me from my dark thoughts. I watch as Riley goes outside, and I frown.
“Has she been going out there the past week?”
Camden looks at the screen where Riley closes the door behind her. “Yeah, she started doing that a few days ago.”
“You didn’t think to tell me?” I get up, irritated that Camden didn’t think it would be something I’d like to know.
“I keep an eye on her when she’s out there.” He leans forward and points at one of the other screens that shows the side of the house that the cemetery is on. “I figured it’s a good thing that she’s visiting them.”
My mouth almost drops open. For a second I thought she was sitting by the lake again. But, damn, she’s going to the cemetery. That’s a huge step for her.
I quickly leave the monitor room and exit the house via my office. I keep my distance, not wanting to disturb her, but I’m close enough to hear what she says.
“I had the day all planned.” She sounds deep in thought where she’s sitting in front of Logan’s grave. “I was going to kick your ass at a game of golf.” Her voice falters and I can hear the sorrow seeping through.
An overwhelming urge to comfort her makes my chest ache. I want to protect this woman. I want to make sure she never suffers heartache again.
There is only one way I can do that. I have to stop waiting for shit to happen and take care of this problem myself.
No more following rules.
I need to make sure that Riley will be safe.
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