by Mia Downing
Jake put up the horses, fed them and cared for them. Tia went in to make him pancakes, not because he was hungry but because she felt she had to do something for him. He still looked a little shell-shocked. Cooking pancakes was a definite heart-guarding experience, so she took it on. Hard to fall in love when one was flipping breakfast foods.
But Jake ate them more heartily than she expected him to and even looked a little cheerful as he sipped coffee. She frowned, thinking him one odd guy. He should be miserable still. Shouldn’t he? But he pinched her ass as she walked by for more coffee, and she glared, feeling out of sorts. He always did the opposite. Always kept her on her toes. He leered down her shirt as she served him more coffee, and she glared again. Man whore.
“So,” he said as he sat back. “What do you want to do with the rest of our day?”
“I have a hat to finish,” she reminded him softly.
“Then I have a book to finish.” He smiled and took her hand in his, the contact way too enjoyable for her tastes. “Thank you for staying with me at the lake.”
“Thank you for the orgasm.”
He took on that smug look again, and she couldn’t hate him for it. Not when he’d ached to give her that one. “Any idea what number we’re on?”
“I lost count.” That wasn’t true. She knew exactly how many he’d given her. Eight. If she were stupid, she’d tell him, so he could finish his wedding present. But she wasn’t stupid, so she smiled and took his empty plate to the sink.
The rest of the morning passed peacefully, him reading, her knitting, curled against his thigh, the silence comfortable. The hat grew in her hands, and she found herself knitting slower, savoring each stitch. When the hat was done, so was their weekend. When the weekend was done, she gave back the ring. She looked down at her left hand at his ring, wrapped with yarn from his hat to make it fit her finger. What would she give to keep it? What would she sacrifice?
She’d sacrifice her soul if he loved her.
“I love my ring on your hand,” he said softly, looking up from his book.
“I’m sure you do.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
She knit faster, despite her need to make it last. “You’re a Dom. Doms are possessive of their subs. It’s sort of like giving me a collar to show ownership. It’s sort of like the huge ring your buddy gave Blondie. She’s his. I’m yours.”
He frowned. “It’s not like that at all.”
She didn’t want to ask him how it was, because his jaw began to take on that certain hard set that meant he was brewing up a batch of stubbornness. “It’s whatever you want it to be, then.”
“Why do you do that?”
“Do what?” She looked up again.
The look in his eye had lost any friendliness, and his jaw was definitely set in his stubborn place. “Surrender. Whenever I challenge you, push you, you give up.”
What the hell did he know about her? Give up, indeed. “I do not. I give in, like a good submissive. Big difference.”
“You give up. You just rolled over and said, whatever you wish, so I could walk all over you. That’s not a good sub. That’s not healthy. That’s what I tried to show you last night.”
“Are you not happy with the exchange of power?” She felt she’d given him the control he needed in bed. She’d given him tons of control during their spy sex. She’d work harder out of bed, but what was the point? In less than twenty-four hours, she’d be alone.
“No, not one bit.” He pointed to her hand. “That ring wasn’t about an exchange of power, but now the ring isn’t up for discussion. Your lack of self-esteem is.”
He was digging deep, and she didn’t like the fact that he was digging way too close to the truth. “I don’t lack self-esteem because I don’t want to fight with you.”
“No?”
She didn’t like the dangerous tone in his voice, and the submissive part trembled at the notion that perhaps she’d pissed him off enough to extract punishment. She peeked at him, but the tough girl still held the reins. “Jake, this is stupid. Just read your book.”
“Whatever. Jesus, Kate, I hate it when you do this.” He slammed the book down on the ground.
Tia saw a flash of red and called it mighty pissed off. “What did you just call me?”
“I dunno.” He shifted on the blanket, also pissed. “Tia.”
“You called me Kate.”
He didn’t look the least bit sorry as he glared at her. “Probably because you’re pissing me off like Kate does, only she’s usually right, and right now, you’re not.” Even his shrug was pissed. “I spent over a year working with her. I know she slips and calls Chase my name. I’ve heard her. It’s only normal that I would eventually slip and call you hers. Especially when you’re pushing my buttons like she does.”
Fear made really good glue for the walls that caged in strangled hearts wrapped in black bondage tape. “You’re cheating on me again.”
“The hell I am. I’ve thought of nothing but you. Jesus, Tia. I’m a man. I’m human. And I care about you so much it hurts right now, and I know you understand that pain. It hurts me because you’ll never believe, not in a million years, that I could care for you.” He stood, anger shimmering off him like a sweltering heat wave. “The next time you feel like giving up, you remember that. I care. Grow a set of balls, Tia. Give in and let me care.”
He stalked away, and it took everything in her not to run after him, to tell him she cared, too. But he was right. She didn’t believe him. Oh, she wanted to, but he lied too easily, especially to get what he wanted.
Instead of doing something incredibly foolish, Tia returned to her knitting, hoping the wool wouldn’t turn to felt where her tears hit it.
****
It took Jake probably five minutes to calm down enough to realize he’d been an ass, again, and his fear shouldn’t ruin the last precious hours they had together. He went to the barn and began going through the horse’s tack, cleaning leather, scrubbing the grease and grime from the stitches. Nothing soothed a soul like hard, tedious work, and scrubbing two sets of grungy tack should have worked at soothing his soul. But it wasn’t working.
He hated that he was right. There was little he could do to convince her he loved her, so he chickened out and went with the lesser “I care.” Sure, he’d spend the day charming her, and he’d do his damnedest, but it all came down to the simple fact that she would give up and run.
He was starting to see it in her eyes, that serene expression that said she was there, willing, but she was really taking a mental vacation and leaving the bank vault open for a heist. He was beginning to see it for what it was. Whatever he wanted, whatever he wished. She thought she was being a good submissive.
She was a dangerous submissive.
Dangerous because she left her power for any man to just grab when she gave up. Giving in meant she was facing what was happening head-on. Giving in meant she was taking responsibility and allowing it to happen, instead of looking away. Giving in meant she had a voice if she wished to deny the exchange of power.
Giving up meant the power was there to steal with no negotiation involved.
So when she left him tomorrow, she’d go back to the club, she’d find another Dom, one who would like her give-up attitude. One that might take her too far, because Jake knew she’d be hurting, and she’d refuse to come to him to ease that pain. And if she could take Chase to dangerous places, what was to stop her from giving up when the next man came and placed his hands around her throat?
“Jake?”
He looked up.
Tia stood in the aisle, a plate of something in her hands. How brave of her to face him instead of hiding in the kitchen, but he knew her too well. She’d patch things up and run again later.
“I have a peace offering.”
“Honey, I don’t need a peace offering. I’m not angry. I don’t hang onto my anger like Chase does. Or even Kate. I blow, toss some stuff around, and then go back to
being me. But I’ll accept whatever, because I’m hungry and I’m sorry I yelled.”
“I’m sorry, too.” She drew near and held out the plate. Chocolate chip cookies greeted him, still warm from the oven. He took one and savored the sweetness on his tongue, touched that she’d baked for him, because he might be mad.
“So tonight,” he said between mouthfuls of cookie. He’d been thinking about this for a bit as he scrubbed dirty leather, and he had no clue as to how to bring this up to her. He wanted her to learn something from tonight. To grow a bit, so that way when she left him tomorrow, maybe she’d go on and be safe. Sane. He couldn’t bear to see her hurt. Definitely not under some other man’s hand, when all he wanted was for her to stay with him. “I want you to pick the role.”
“Me? Why?”
“Because it’s your turn.”
Her brown eyes grew round and, in a lesser woman, they would have held fear. “That’s not what we do.”
And with that, she started running again. He could see the little people that lived in her mind building walls, scurrying behind them, battening down the hatches. So afraid to let him in.
It killed him she’d still feel the need to run, to hide, and that he made her do that. It had to stop. “It’s what we will do tonight. You have to pick. You plan the role, the fantasy, and I’ll carry it out to your heart’s desire. Do you have any idea what you want?”
The man was insane. Tia stared at him, ready to drop the cookies on the ground and hit the road running. Yes, she knew what she wanted, but she was terrified. It didn’t help that he’d just been grumping at her under his tree, informing her she just gave up all the time. She didn’t understand. Didn’t agree.
More importantly, she failed to see what signs she was giving out that made him draw those conclusions. And the idea of telling him what she wanted, what she needed, terrified her as much as the idea of being married had scared her.
But the wedding vows had eased the pain, had made it easier for a short time. Their bondage play last night had been hard, intense, and very painful, but in the end, she’d never felt more sated or free. Would telling him her darkest fantasy make loving him easier or harder? Definitely harder. So why was she even considering it? Stupid, stupid, stupid.
“Tia?”
God help her for jumping into the pool with the shark, with her hands tied behind her back. She could only swim so far, and shore was a hell of a long way away. “Yes, I know what I want.”
“What?”
“I want to submit to you, completely. I want you to own me, completely. I’ve never done that before.”
“No, you haven’t.” He stared down at her with a nameless expression, took the cookies from her hand, and laid the plate on the table he’d set up to clean his tack. “But I don’t think you understand what’s involved in submitting completely.”
“What do you mean? Of course I do.” But did she? She’d avoided doing so for years. She wasn’t stupid. She knew she withheld a part of her soul during sex, because if she didn’t, her heart would be lost. Funny how it didn’t work with him. Even with her holding out, he still won the prize on the silver platter. Soul or no soul.
“If you want this, you have to come to me as Sarah.”
She inhaled sharply and glared, though inside she felt an inch tall. “What the hell? I’m not playing some sick role for you. I can’t go there.”
“I don’t want you to play a role. I don’t want you to go back to being the girl that was taken advantage of by her mother’s sick boyfriend.” Jake ran a hand through his hair, frustrated. “I want… I want you to drop the tough girl act and make love to me. With me.”
“It’s not an act.” Shit, he knew too much. She’d been made. Big-time. “I have to be tough. I have a tough job, you know.”
“And this isn’t work. Stop pretending whatever it is you pretend when you’re with me, because except for a short time on Friday, you’ve played a role the entire time. Probably your entire life. I want the woman who showed up at our wedding to come and make love to me. That woman would take the chance and submit to me. She took a chance at our wedding. And if she hadn’t snooped in my bag and room, she’d still be here.”
“You’re crazy.” Oh, he was anything but. Her heart pounded at his words.
“Are you sure I’m crazy? I’ve seen glimpses of a softer, more submissive you. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re willing to exchange the power with me. You’re willing to accept the pleasure I can give you. You’re almost there. You orgasm now, with me, because you’re starting to make that step toward letting me have control. Give in, and I promise you, you’ll get your darkest fantasy.”
“I don’t know.” But she did. Insane Jake wasn’t so insane.
“Then you think about it. You let me know. But don’t wait too long, because you keep telling me we only have tonight.”
“Yes. And you know exactly why.” Damn it, she wasn’t stupid for ending this.
“Then don’t wait.”
****
Later that afternoon, Tia came to him as he read outside by his tree. She sank to her knees, head bowed, hands on her thighs. She waited for him to acknowledge her, as if she were afraid to disturb him. Just like a good submissive. He made her wait, rereading a passage. Unlike a good Dom, he had no clue what to say to her. No punishment, no guidance, no lesson. All he could think about was her, in his arms, loving him.
He placed the sticky note he used for a bookmark in his book and set it down. “Well?”
She raised her head but didn’t meet his gaze directly. Instead, she stared out at the horses in their pasture. “I have a question first, before I commit to anything.”
“Okay.”
Now she chose to look at him, a little unsure. “What makes you think I give up?”
He arched a brow. “What do you think?”
“I’m asking you. If I knew, I wouldn’t have come out here.” Her glare was so cute, and he wanted to chuckle at pissing her off. He loved her too much to be offended.
“You have the answers.” He picked up his book again, and she made the strangling noise that Kate usually made. He slammed it down. “Jesus, what’s up with that noise? Is that hard-wired into estrogen or what?”
“It means I want to kill you.”
“Do your best, then. The line starts way over there.” He picked up the book.
She shifted on the blanket, but didn’t move to kill him or leave.
He opened to the sticky note and waited, pretending to read.
“I just want to make you happy,” she finally offered. A lie. A really good one, though. It meant she wasn’t digging very hard.
He decided to push her gently in the right direction, closer to the truth. But he kept up the act of pretend reading, just so he didn’t scare her off. “You give up so I’ll leave you alone and be satisfied with what I have. I want more. I bet you do, too.”
“It hurts too much to give you more.”
He almost didn’t hear her say it, her voice was so low. Soft. He looked up then, pleased she’d found the right path. She picked at a clump of grass by her foot, avoiding eye contact.
“And you call yourself a masochist?”
That got her attention. Her head snapped up, her brown gaze boring into his. “I told you, there are limits.”
He nodded. Time to shove harder. “Did you ever stop to think that the pain would be easier to handle if you just faced it? Gave in and allowed it to happen? Maybe the pain would change to something else?”
“Like what.”
“Love.”
That hit her full force. Her eyes flew open wide, and she scrambled up from the blanket like he’d chucked a bucket of ice water at her. “That’s a very, very bad word.”
“Really? Funny, Chase says a lot of bad words, but he never seemed to treat love like it was that bad. Of course, I don’t have quite the vocabulary he does.”
Those eyes, so wide, so brown and conflicted as she sorted things
out. He could lose himself in the almond shape, the depth of intelligence.
She sniffed. “Well, I’m not going to love him, so no threat there.”
Time to give one last shove. “What about me? Maybe you’d love me.”
She swallowed, hard, and lifted her chin a notch. Panic flared in the eyes he loved so much, and he could just see those little people in her mind again, scurrying about, hiding anything to do with her feelings. Protecting what they could of her heart before he fancied a glimpse of her true self.
“I’m not going to love you, either.”
Of course, she wasn’t going to admit to it. What an ass for hoping. But he was a pro at reading between the lines, through chinks in the armor. Chase was his best friend, and the man owned more armor than Tia ever dreamed of owning. And that skill led him to see directly into the cracks, straight to Tia’s heart. She felt a hell of a lot more for him than she was willing to admit. Maybe she already loved him. It didn’t matter. He’d make her see things his way. He was as stubborn as he was impulsive.
“Any other questions? Or can I take what little dignity I have left back to the land of this book?” He gestured to his reading material.
“I’m done.”
He opened his book, refusing to look at her as he asked softly, “Will you submit to me?”
“Yes. But I won’t love you.” She sounded spiteful, and he wanted to laugh. She made loving him sound like something akin to eating lima beans. Maybe it was.
“That’s your choice.” He shrugged and turned the page. He did glance up, though. “I just want you to face me, for once, without feeling the need to be something or someone else. I want to take the power you offer and, in return, give you the sweetest pleasure. Don’t you think that will be a perfect way to end our weekend?”
She hesitated, and right there was what he wanted to see in her eyes. Longing. And yeah, love. “Yes.”
But as she walked away, Jake knew something for certain. She already loved him. It was just a matter of getting her to give in and acknowledge it.