“It means stop trying so hard. We both know you have a tendency to fall head over heels in love with a man straight away. Then you start obsessing over him and imagining what your children would look like. How many times have I heard you say “he's the one”?”
Shona cringed, but she couldn't deny it.
“I think you should try to be more selective. If a man even smiles in your direction, you’re heart starts beating faster. You have to decide what you need in a partner. I’ve had friends who actually had a list of qualities they wanted in their ideal man and they refused to settle for less.”
“Don’t you think a list is a little extreme? Surely I should follow my heart.”
“There’s a big difference between having standards and having no standards at all. There’s no need to be too demanding or overly-critical but you should try to take off the rose-tinted glasses where men are concerned and see them for who and what they are; positives and negatives. You have a lot to offer so you should want the same or more in your potential boyfriend.”
“I can’t help it. It’s like my head always rules my heart and I get completely carried away.”
“You should work on your confidence and start believing in yourself,” Jackie continued. “You deserve to have a man who treats you well and you shouldn't have to chase him or beat him into submission. If he's not interested, accept it and move on.”
“That's my biggest problem; the accepting it and moving on part.”
“Look how long it took you to finally end your relationship with Mark and that was toxic right from the start.”
“I couldn’t help believing him. He seemed very sincere.”
“I know he broke your heart.”
“I wanted him to be something he wasn’t. I had an idealised fantasy of our relationship going on in my head. I had so many plans for our future together, so many hopes and dreams, but they were all shattered when I finally understood he never had any intention of leaving his wife for me. I could see us getting married and starting a family of our own. How could I have been so deluded?”
“You planned your whole life around him. No wonder you were devastated when it ended.”
“One major lesson I learned from my so-called relationship with Mark is that the only person who can truly make me happy is me, but I still can’t help imagining marriage and babies when I meet a guy I like.”
“Maybe you’re addicted to love.”
“I think you’ve been reading too many self-help books.”
“Oh, come on, being in love is the best feeling in the world. You can’t stop thinking about him, obsessing over him. It’s like an addiction.”
“I can’t argue with you there. I haven’t been able to get Adrian out of mind.”
“You need to stop settling for a few crumbs of his attention and start demanding more.”
“Do you think I should ask him out again?” Shona asked eagerly. It was the most animated she’d been all afternoon.
“Absolutely not! Have you been listening to a word I’ve said? Let him ask you out, but take him off the pedestal you’ve put him on. It’s not healthy.”
“Why does love have to be such a rollercoaster? Why can’t I have a straightforward relationship like you and Colm?”
“There’s nothing straightforward about our relationship! Trust me; marriage is hard work.”
“What are you saying? Do you regret not leaving Colm?”
“No, of course not, I still love him and I truly want our marriage to work.”
“I don’t regret any of my relationships. I’ve learnt something about myself from every relationship I’ve ever had. At least now I know what I want in life; a marriage and children, but I wonder sometimes how many more frogs I’ll have to kiss before I kiss my prince.”
“Why don’t you take your time and lighten up? You put too much pressure on your relationships too soon. You’re young, free and single. You should be having fun and focusing on yourself, not obsessing over a man. One day, when you’re least expecting it, you’ll meet someone who’s on the same wavelength as you and you’ll live happily ever after.”
“Really?” Shona asked doubtfully.
“Yes, really and truly. You are one of the kindest, most caring, loving people I’ve ever known but nobody can ever love you as much as you can love yourself. You are such a strong person; you’ve been let down and had your heart broken but you always pick yourself up and start again without any anger or cynicism. I admire that quality in you. One thing I’ve learned from my marriage is that I am responsible for creating my reality. I control my life and my happiness, not Colm or anyone else, just me. We have many relationships and roles in our lives; wife, mother, sister, daughter, aunt. Relationships are wonderful; they open our hearts, they make us laugh, they make us cry, they make us question, but it’s easy to forget that the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one we have with ourselves. Don’t settle. Wait until you find someone who loves the real you, just the way you are.”
“Thanks, Jackie,” Shona beamed. “I hope he finds me soon because I'm sick and tired of waiting.”
“About time, we were considering sending out a search party,” Penelope tapped her watch to emphasise her point.
“Get over yourself,” Shona retorted. “I have no problem covering for you when you're off on one of your so-called meetings.”
Penelope quickly shut up and turned mutinously back to her computer.
“I've fixed your computer,” Adrian piped up.
“Wow! That was quick.”
“It wasn't anything serious. You had too many files on your desktop so I saved them into a new folder on your D-drive.”
“You're a lifesaver. Thanks so much, Adrian. I really appreciate it.”
“Any time.”
Chapter 14
“You are going to love me!” Adrian burst through the door of Covert Eye Investigations and flung himself down on a chair.
“Have you ever heard of knocking?” Maggie asked indignantly. “I could have been with a client.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” he waved his hand dismissively at her.
“This better be good.”
“Take a look at that.” He rummaged around in his bag for a moment and plonked a hard-drive on her desk.
She stared at it contemptuously. “What is it?”
“It's a hard-drive.”
“I can see that. I've analysed hundreds of them in my life, what's so special about this particular one?”
“This, my dear, is Jackie Fitzpatrick's hard-drive.”
“Ooh,” she let out a long breath. “How did you get your hands on this little beauty?”
He tapped the side of his nose and winked. “That’s for me to know and you to find out.”
“Spit it out. I'm not in the mood for childish games.”
“Lighten up. Jackie gave it to me,” he replied, purposely letting his words hang in the air for dramatic effect.
Her eyes widened expectantly. “I know you're a charmer but this is astonishing, even by your standards. Tell me everything.”
“There's not much to tell really. I suppose I got lucky.”
She glared at him.
“Not lucky like that! What do you take me for?”
“Do you really want me to answer that question?”
“Actually, no, I'd rather you didn't. She was having computer problems and Shona offered to have our I.T. guy take a look at it for her. When they were out to lunch I fixed her computer and copied her files to my hard-drive.”
“Aren't you the clever clogs?” she grinned at her brother.
“You better believe it.”
Reverently, she picked up the hard-drive and plugged it into her computer. “Here goes nothing. Pull up a chair and we'll have a nose together.”
“No, I'm going out with the girls tonight.”
“Pardon?”
Adrian rolled his eyes. “We're having dinner at Rebecca's house. It
's a team bonding session.”
“Make sure you're in investigative mode.”
“I will, don't you worry about that. I'll see you later anyway and we can discuss what you find. Try not to work too hard.”
“I don't know about that. My evening suddenly got very interesting.”
Chapter 15
Colm sat bolt upright in bed and listened intently. His heart was pounding in his chest and a cold sheen of sweat glistened on his brow. He held his breath and listened. The house was deathly quiet. There wasn’t a sound except for Jackie’s rhythmic breathing as she lay sleeping peacefully beside him. He glanced at her, wishing he could find the rest that enveloped her every night. Sleep was such a gift. It had the power to ease his worries and cares, but not tonight. He couldn’t sleep. Maybe it was stress, overwork, constant worry about his marriage or maybe he was beginning to unravel. Who could blame him for cracking? He had nobody to share his burden, nobody he could talk to and nobody he could trust with his deepest, darkest thoughts. Once he could have told Jackie but now he was too afraid that she’d end up leaving him and he couldn’t stand that, not after everything he’d done to keep her.
Slowly, his heartbeat began to return to normal. Maybe it was a nightmare that had woken him in such a panic. He’d suffered from nightmares as a child. His parents had brought him to see several specialists and some said his nightmares were a coping mechanism; a way for his brain and body to get rid of the stress he held inside and couldn’t express when he was awake. Now it seemed the nightmares had returned to haunt him, new ones this time. He shook himself. He didn’t want to think about them. He eased himself back under the duvet and closed his eyes, but the shadows soon returned to dance before his addled mind. Sleep eluded him. He stared at the ceiling, his mind racing. “What am I going to do?” he whispered into the darkness.
Carefully, he got out of bed, not wanting to wake Jackie. He walked barefoot to the window and gazed outside. There was nothing there. All was well. It seemed as if the whole world was sound asleep except him. What else did he expect at such an hour? He glanced at the clock. The neon buttons read 3.03 a.m. The witching hour, Emmett called it. It seemed his son had inherited his over-active imagination. He sighed in relief, releasing the breath which he’d been unconsciously holding. Some warm milk and a piece of buttery toast and he’d feel a lot better.
He shrugged into his bathrobe and slowly made his way downstairs, tip-toeing past Emmett’s and Charlotte’s bedrooms. He cringed as the floorboards creaked underfoot, hoping he wouldn’t wake anyone. He wanted to be alone right now. He needed to calm down, get his head together and get a grip on reality. He couldn’t allow himself to spiral out of control. There’d be too high a price to pay.
He padded into the kitchen, an involuntary shiver running through him. It was unusually cold. The window was swinging wide in the wind. He closed it tight and checked the security alarm. It was disabled. Strange, he could have sworn he’d set it before he went to bed. Had Jackie left it open? She’d been cooking earlier so she might have opened the window to let the steam out and stop the fire alarms going off. It was a family joke at this stage how long it would take her to start the alarms ringing. There was no need to call them when dinner was ready; the alarms did the job for her! He couldn’t help smiling. She really was making a huge effort to make their relationship work. She even cooked dinner every night and she hated cooking with a passion. It was a welcome change from their usual fare of pizza, chips or takeaway food.
He poured milk into a saucepan to boil, which he hoped would soothe his rattled nerves. Wrapping his hands around the cup for warmth he wandered into the living room and sank onto the comfortable couch. It had been weeks since he’d slept properly. The insomnia which had plagued him at different times throughout his life was back in full force and he was exhausted. He had a constant dull headache and he felt jumpy and nervy all the time which wasn’t helped by the amount of coffee he drank. His doctor had recommended sleeping tablets but they left him feeling even more wretched. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the couch. Finally, just as the sun was rising over the distant mountains he fell into a dreamless sleep.
“Daddy, why are you sleeping down here?” Emmett asked curiously, watching his father carefully from the doorway.
“What? Oh, good morning, son. I couldn’t sleep, so I came downstairs.” Colm sat up and rubbed his tired eyes. “What time is it?”
“It’s ten past seven. Mom’s in the bathroom, and Charlotte is still fast asleep.”
“Come on and I’ll get you some breakfast.”
“Good morning, darling. You were up early.” Jackie suddenly appeared and gave her husband a quick kiss before helping herself to some fresh coffee.
“He was sleeping on the couch,” Emmett said, an accusatory note in his voice.
Jackie glanced quizzically at her husband. “Is everything okay?”
“I couldn’t sleep so I came downstairs, I didn’t want to disturb you. By the way, did you forget to close the kitchen window last night?”
Jackie frowned. “I didn’t open it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I'm positive. I distinctly remember because it was raining last night and I didn’t want to soak the place.”
“Never mind, I probably opened it and forgot about it.” He didn’t want to worry her so he didn’t say anything else.
“Okay. Emmett, will you tell your sister to hurry up?” Jackie asked. “We have to get a move on. I’ve got a meeting with my publisher after I drop you guys to school so we need to hurry.”
“Are you sure you’re alright?” Jackie studied her husband’s face and saw the dark smudges under his eyes. He’d lost weight recently and seemed more preoccupied than usual.
“Everything’s fine,” he forced a weak smile. “I'm just being paranoid.”
“I’ll be back by lunch-time. Call me if you need anything.”
“Okay, will do.”
There was a final flurry of activity while they pulled on their coats and scarves before he waved them goodbye. He shut the door behind them and scrubbed his face with his hands. “Get a grip,” he ordered himself. He poured another strong coffee before gathering his paperwork together and settling down at the computer in his home office. Work was the only thing that helped take his mind off his worries.
Chapter 16
“Damn it!” Mark swore as the shrill ringing of his mobile phone made him jump, causing him to nick his face. He flung his razor into the sink and stuck a piece of tissue on his bleeding cheek.
“What?!” he yelled into the phone.
“Mark?” A woman’s voice was on the other end of the line. He knew the voice but couldn’t quite place it.
“Yes, this is Mark,” he replied carefully, wracking his brain.
“I think it’s about time we met, don’t you?”
“Who the hell is this?”
“Mark, I'm hurt. You don’t remember me?” Her voice was dripping with sarcasm.
“Quit playing games and tell me who you are,” he ordered.
“Oh, Mark, I love it when you're masterful with me.” She laughed a mocking laugh which made his blood run cold. “This is Savannah. Remember me?”
He almost dropped the phone in shock. Savannah Kingston, how could he ever forget? “I don’t have anything to say to you,” he hissed.
“But I have a lot to say to you Mark. We have some unfinished business, in case you’ve conveniently forgotten.”
“That’s over and done with. There’s nothing left to say.” He tried to sound authoritative and in control but he couldn’t stop the edge creeping into his voice.
“It’s far from over, Mark. Meet me in an hour at the coffee shop around the corner from your house. It should be busy enough for us to blend in,” and with that she hung up.
He stood staring at the phone. His mind was racing. What the hell did she want? This was all he needed. He’d just started to get some semblance of
a life and now she had turned up to ruin everything. I suppose it can’t hurt to hear what she has to say, he mused as he carefully studied his face in the mirror. Should I tell someone, maybe Maggie or Fergus? Thoughts whirled around and around in his head. No, it was best to meet her alone. There was no point getting anyone else involved at this stage.
He dressed quickly, pulling on jeans and a freshly laundered shirt. He wrapped a scarf around his neck and pulled a baseball cap low over his eyes. The last thing he needed was the media snapping photographs of himself and Savannah together. Who knew what twisted spin they’d put on their meeting. He checked his phone to make sure there was plenty of battery power remaining and tested the voice recorder. No harm in taking precautions. Carefully, he tucked the phone securely into his jeans pocket.
He peered out the window, relieved that the journalists who seemed to have taken up residence outside his apartment had left for the evening. He was sick and tired of being stalked by them. Every time he came or left the building there was someone lying in wait for him, ready to shove a microphone in his face. He'd been dazzled several times by the bright glare of a camera snapping him as he went in and out of the apartment and quite frankly he was getting irritated by the media intrusion on his privacy. He'd served his time, all he wanted now was some peace and quiet; time to adjust to his new-found freedom and gather himself together. There’d be plenty of time later for the media when he published his book, but for now, he wanted to be left alone.
He locked the door securely behind him and ran down the steps, quickly losing himself in the crowded street. Luckily, it was raining, which afforded him a little more anonymity from any prying eyes. He opened his umbrella and walked the short distance to the aptly named Insomnia Café. They had the best coffee in town but he rarely indulged himself there as he didn’t want the staff becoming too friendly or familiar with his whereabouts. People loved to gossip and he couldn't be too careful. He never knew who might be prying into his life.
Unfaithful (The Complete Trilogy) Page 45