by Mia Faith
A still silence clung over the air and I felt everyone’s eyes turn to face me. “W... what?” I stammered cautiously. “Before what?” Were they about to bring up our ill-advised fling? Was I going to have to rehash everything all over again? I’d spent so long pushing it to the back of my mind that I wasn’t sure I could drag it all backup.
“Well,” she shrugged, her face flushing with embarrassment as if she now realized this was something she shouldn’t have said. “Ever since you slapped him. I don’t know if we’re allowed to talk about it now or not, but I think that moment really changed him. He’s been different ever since.”
“You do?” I leaned in closer despite myself. I couldn’t help feeling intrigued, however much I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t even bring him up. “In what way?”
“Well, he went quiet for a while, no one saw him, but then he eventually came back to work much happier. It was as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He’s happier, more pleasant, he actually listens to people... he even took us all out for a staff meal a little while ago.”
I didn’t like that one bit. It might have been the way I felt too, but that was because he’d been yelling at me all the time. I didn’t feel like he had the right to feel that way about me. I hadn’t done anything wrong. My eyes pricked with tears but I refused to let any of them fall, not in front of these girls. I wanted them to believe that I had it all together now, that I just didn’t care. I didn’t want to be the sad girl who couldn’t get over her ex-fling. I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. Not when I felt like I’d been doing so well.
“Oh, right,” I forced myself to stammer. “That’s great. I’m glad to hear that you have a better environment to work in.” My whole body was shaking, and I wasn’t sure why. What did I expect? Did I want Mason to hang around for me forever? Did I want him to be sad? Certainly not after everything he’d already been through. “It must be nice.”
“We still miss you though,” Carly put her hands over mine and gave me a smile. “It isn’t the same without you. Would you ever consider coming back?”
I pondered on that for a moment, imagining what it would be like to stroll back in with my head held high. “Mason wouldn’t have me,” I shot back as the sickness swirled in my tummy. “But even if he would, I couldn’t do it. I love where I am now, I adore my job.” Nope, I couldn’t do it. Not for a million dollars; it wasn’t worth my mental health.
“Yeah, I know,” she shrugged sadly. “I get that. We just miss seeing you every day.”
“Me too,” I gasped, regret flooding me. “Now that I’m more established, we will definitely meet up for lunch more. Drinks too. I feel so bad that I just got so wrapped up in everything.”
The waiter came and we all ordered our food, and by the time it was brought to us, the subject had been changed completely. No longer were we talking about work: the subject of romance had come up instead, and the girls we dissecting every part of a date that Carly had recently been through.
“I mean, he was nice enough, but I just didn’t feel that initial spark, you know?” she mused thoughtfully. “Is it wrong for me to dismiss him on those grounds? Could something develop?”
I wanted to jump in, I wanted to tell her that chemistry was so important and that if she wasn’t feeling it, then she shouldn’t go for it, but I couldn’t. Not when the only person I’d ever felt that way about was Mason and that certainly hadn’t worked out well.
“Maybe you should give it one more date,” Brooke replied, nodding as if she was saying something very wise. “Maybe he was nervous, and then his personality didn’t shine through. Just one more night will let you really know, you know?”
“I don’t know,” Hali shook her head. “I think you should go out with Graham; he’s liked you forever and he’s super cute.”
“Boring, though... hey, Mel, what are the guys like at your new office? Anyone cute around?”
“Erm...” in all honesty there were a few nice guys, but none of them sparked my interest. I was still a little fragile about Mason. “Joe is nice,” I half shrugged. “He has his own team too, and he’s really ambitious...” Oh God, I didn’t seem to be selling him well; I felt like I could sense pity coming at me from every angle. “He’s the tall, dark, and handsome type.” I couldn’t totally recall his face right now, but I hoped I was doing okay.
“So, are you gonna go out with him?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged, but the reality had hit me: I was going to have to start dating at some point, and I needed to begin somewhere. Maybe a nice guy like Joe was exactly what I needed. He was the total opposite of Mason... maybe that was as good a place as any to start. “Maybe. We’ll see.”
“Well if you do and he has any friends... don’t forget about us!”
It felt really good to laugh and catch up with my friends, but it had dragged a whole lot of suppressed stuff up. I’d been blowing past everything, getting on with it with my head down, but I couldn’t only do that if I wanted to live. A whole part of this messy learning curve was supposed to be getting my life in order, having all these experiences that I hadn’t had before.
“God, we need to have a night out soon,” I nodded seriously. “It’s been too long since I’ve had some fun.”
As the girls pitched in and arranged a night for us all on Friday, I felt, even more, content. Yes, I was still smarting over this thing with Mason, there was no escaping that, but I was proactively moving on too. I just had to take that one step further. I’d never gone out actively looking for love before, but now I knew how good it could be, and if it was done in the right way and I didn’t have to suffer the heartbreak afterwards, it would all be worth it.
I wanted love, I wanted someone who made me a better version of myself, I wanted to be the person I could have been with Mason. For the first time in my life, I wanted a best friend, a lover, someone to share the highs with, someone to make the lows more bearable, someone to share my everyday news with. I could see how nice it would be to have someone there at the end of the day. A great career, success, money: that was all well and good but it just wasn’t the same.
I just had to make sure the next guy I picked was the right one for me.
As we hugged and said our goodbyes, Carly hung back for a second to talk to me alone. “Are you okay?” she asked me cautiously. “I mean, I know you said you are, but I just wanted to check.”
My heart went out to her and I pulled her in for a hug. Carly was the one who had been there from the beginning; she’d shared my first day, brought me into the friendship group. I’d trusted her enough to let her know the full details about Mason and I, the sort that no one else knew. She was a great friend and I was lucky to have her.
“I’m getting there,” I told her honestly. “I will be okay in the end.”
“Well, I think he misses you,” she shrugged and half smiled. “You know what Mason’s like - he’ll never ask about you, he’s too proud, but I keep getting the impression that he wants to.”
Oh God, if only that were enough. If only I could use that as an excuse to run back into his arms, but I was being strong now, I was moving on. “Thanks for letting me know,” I nodded smilingly. “But things are different now. I’m different. It’s just better this way. I’m happier.”
If only that were true...
“Yeah, you’re probably right. Anyway, it’s been good to see you. I look forward to Friday.”
Chapter Fourteen
“I’m so glad we’re finally doing this,” Joe grinned at me over the dinner table, making me shift uncomfortably in my seat. “I was a little shocked when you called me last night at some crazy hour, but now I can see this is an awesome idea. In a weird way, we’re really suited to one another. Right? You just needed a bit of booze for the confidence to ask!”
I grinned blearily, trying to keep my very obvious hangover under wraps. “Yeah, yeah I know.” I should never have agreed to this the evening after a big night. In fact, looking a
t this perfectly nice guy in front of me, the one that I felt absolutely nothing for, I never should have agreed to it at all. I was dressed up in a loose-fitting black dress and heels; I’d even gone as far as to comb my hair, but I didn’t look date ready and I really didn’t feel it.
It was safe to say that me and my group of friends had gotten more than a little carried away on Friday night, but it had just been so long since we’d all had fun together and I certainly needed to blow off some steam. We’d ended up drinking too much, dancing too late, then all calling guys to go out on a date with. We made the stupid decision we all needed to kick start our love lives and that it had to be done right away.
Now I was suffering the consequences of that decision.
“You don’t think it’ll be weird at work, though, right?” he peered at me as if he were trying to decipher my mood. “I’ve never dipped my pen in the company ink, so to speak.”
I wasn’t myself, I didn’t feel right, and because of that, my breaths started to come in ragged as a panic circled my heart. I didn’t want to be on a date with Joe; I wished I’d never mentioned his damn name. I was just trying so hard to get over Mason. “Sorry,” I gasped noisily. “I just need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be back in a minute.”
I staggered through the restaurant, stumbling a little bit. I wasn’t sure if it was shock or the alcohol still in my system, but I couldn’t stand up totally straight. I just needed a moment by myself to get all in order. If I could just splash some cold water on my face, everything would be okay. I needed to be myself if I was going to get through this with any dignity intact.
But as the ice coldness hit me and I stared at my reflection in the mirror, the harsh lighting made me look insane. If only I wasn’t so cowardly, and afraid of what my friends would think if I bailed on my date while they all went on theirs, I would have contacted Joe earlier to tell him I didn’t actually mean it. Now I’d made things awkward for myself at the office and there wasn’t any need. There would certainly be gossip.
He was never going to be the one for me, he didn’t drive me wild with lust, I didn’t have an intense, powerful connection with him, I didn’t feel like I might die if I couldn’t kiss him- there was just no sizzling chemistry between us. The most I could ever be with this guy was friends. Maybe in the past, I would’ve seen potential, but not anymore. Not now that I’d seen the light.
I grabbed my phone out my pocket, ready to call Carly to give me some advice, before remembering that she would be out too. She was on a date with Gary, or Graham, or someone... the guy she thought was boring. But still, I couldn’t interrupt, just in case. Maybe she wasn’t going through the same drama as me and she was actually enjoying herself.
I rolled through the names in my phone book looking for someone I could contact. I guessed Ethan was one option but he’d popped home recently and we’d had lunch together; I knew he was going to Vietnam for months and there wasn’t much reception where he was staying. Plus I’d opened up to him a little bit about spending time with Mason and he felt totally weird about it. I didn’t want to make it worse for him by bringing another guy’s name into the picture.
‘Mason.’
His name was still in my phone book. I couldn’t get rid of it. I kept trying, but I couldn’t seem to hit that final ‘delete’ button. I ran my fingers over the letters, my heart accepting the feelings all over again. Maybe it was stupid to try to move on so quickly when I clearly wasn’t ready; maybe rushing into love once more to try to heal my wounded heart wasn’t going to work.
I was torn between hitting dial, calling him and begging him to come back to me, and finally putting this mess to bed once and for all. I yearned for him, I needed him, but he was horrible to me and I had to forget him for that. I had to try to date the nice guy...
I sighed deeply and shoved my phone back into my pocket and made my way back out to the table. Joe was nice, he wouldn’t ever be mean to me or shame me in front of people, and I had to give him a chance. He didn’t have to be the man I married; I could just have some fun with him. I could just kick-start my dating life once more.
“Hey, you okay?” I smiled thinly. “Have you decided what you want to order yet?”
“Yeah, the steak looks good, what do you want...?”
I did my best, I really tried to act normal, but I wasn’t feeling it. I couldn’t shake the idea that there wasn’t any chemistry between us. I tried to flirt, I even did my best to be friendly, but it wasn’t coming across well. I felt like I was making an idiot out of myself.
So I set about drinking instead... probably not my wisest decision since I’d drunk too much the night before. The only thing I managed to achieve by that was putting Joe off of me forever. I just hoped that he felt so awkward about it all that he didn’t ever discuss it at work... but to be perfectly honest, even if he did, I could suffer it. I’d been talked about in the office before and that was so much worse because I actually cared. So what if I was the girl too drunk to be a decent date? Who cared?
As I staggered through my front door having said an uncomfortable goodbye to the man who was still gentlemanly enough to walk me home after everything, I grabbed my phone once more. It had to be late; at least one of the girls had to be done with their dates so I could tell them the sad, sorry story. If they could make me laugh about it, then maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad. At least I’d tried, at least I went... they had to be proud of me for that!
But every single one of their phones went to voicemail, prompting me to look at the clock. That was the horrifying moment I realized it was only half past nine. My date had been such a shambles that it had only lasted for two lousy hours! What a sad case...
I just couldn’t act without that chemistry; that was something that couldn’t be faked at all. God damn Mason, he’d ruined me for other men! If there was no spark, it couldn’t ever become something. I couldn’t even give it a chance. It sucked.
Sadness gave way to anger. I wanted to be happy, I wanted to find someone. It didn’t seem fair that I couldn’t because of him. Despite what Carly said to me, Mason probably had someone new. He probably had a string of women making him forget me and I couldn’t get through one lousy date. It wasn’t fair, and I wanted him to know that.
Luckily for me, he didn’t pick up and it rang until it went to voicemail. “Ugh,” I slurred in temper. “What the fuck is it with you? Why can’t you just let me live my life, huh?” I wasn’t sure what I was doing, only that it felt good to get some of the tied-up emotions off my chest. “Why do you have to be in my mind all the time? Why do you have to crop up when I’m going on a date? It isn’t fair. I want to move on, I want to find the happiness I could have had with you if you’d let me.” Shit, was I crying? “We could have really been something, but you blew it.” I’d started now; there was no stopping me. Everything was tumbling out. “I know you were going through a hard time, but you shut me out. I wanted to be there for you, I wanted to help, but you wouldn’t let me.”
I fell back on the couch, my cheeks wet. I was an emotional wreck; I hated being so weak and vulnerable. I also knew that I was going to regret this in the morning, so I had to get it all out now while I had the chance.
“I liked being the one you opened up to. I wanted to be that for you all the time... but you pushed me away. I’m sorry for hitting you, though...” I thought about that for a second, before realizing that I didn’t mean it. “Actually no, I’m not. Apparently, you’ve been much nicer to everyone since then, so maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing.” I was going off on a tangent now, saying things I hadn’t even planned on. “Maybe you see now that honey is better than vinegar, after all.”
Oh God, I couldn’t do it anymore. The memory of that date compared to the one I’d just been on was hard. I needed to hang up before I started declaring my undying love or something stupid like that. This was bad enough without me making it even worse! If Mason ignored me, it would be bad enough, but if he called me back, I was going to end up a mes
s again. It would send me right back to square one... not that I was too far from that. I needed to wrap this up now, I needed this to end.
“So, yeah, erm...” What was the point of this phone call again? What had I actually planned on talking about. “You ruined my life, but I’m working on making it better. Goodbye.”
I forced myself upright and walked towards my bedroom, allowing the memory of him to come back again. When he was here and we were kissing, heading towards making love, I was the happiest I’d ever been. I felt so right, so adored, I never wanted that to end. I hated the fact that it had gone so sour afterwards. It just wasn’t right. I hadn’t done anything to deserve that.
As I drifted in and out of an unsettled, restless sleep, my mind was on Mason the entire time. Maybe I needed to move; maybe that was the issue. I was too near to him all the time, I could practically see his office from my apartment, and I felt like I always knew where he was. Maybe I needed to move across the city, maybe to another state entirely. Maybe if all of this went tits up at work, if it became too hard to work there after this disaster with Joe, then I could take that as a sign that it was time for a real fresh start.
Chapter Fifteen
I spent a lazy Sunday trying my best to recover from my hangover and shame. Memories of the awful date with Joe kept flickering up into my mind, vague recollections of my phone call to Mason were there, however hard I tried to ignore them. It was safe to say that I’d screwed up big time and I needed just one day off from everyone to feel sorry for myself.
My cell phone was sitting on my bedroom table, switched off so I didn’t have to deal with anyone. I wanted to talk to my girls, I still wanted to share the story and to laugh about it, but I was much too afraid of anyone else calling. I was too fragile to deal with any of it. I wanted to just veg out in front of mindless reality television shows until the shame was gone and I felt strong enough to deal with what I’d done.