by Autumn Sand
I take a seat underneath the tree as I watch the little kids play. I can almost imagine my son playing with them as Kayla and I watch from afar. If only I had a chance to hold him in my arms. My father told me about how the first time he held me in his arms, he knew he would die for me. I feel cheated out of the life I should have had with Kayla. A pang goes through my heart at what should have been. Standing up, I dust off my jeans with a heavy heart. I have a date with my girl.
I arrive at the cemetery and immediately see my father’s car. I make my way up the short distance to the gravesite and approach my father. He closes the gap between us and pulls me into his arms for a hug.
“What are you doing here, Dad?”
“A neighbor saw you in the park and called.” He doesn’t have to say anymore. That is what happens in small towns like ours.
“I would have…” I turn away, unable to finish my lie or look my father in the eyes while I say it.
“I know, Dante. But I was shocked to hear that you were here, so I wanted to see if there was anything I could do.” I see the signs of age on my father’s face and his hair has turned completely gray. Funny how I never noticed it before.
“Dad, I’m sorry.” Fuck, I’m always apologizing to my parents. Why don’t I just record the message and hit play for them every time I talk to them because sorry has become such a part of my vocabulary.
“Three people. We lost three people that day.” He strolls over to the gravestone and kneels in front of it, tracing his fingers over Kayla and Dante Junior’s names. “We buried two, but lost three.”
Standing up, he stares across the cemetery and off in the distance as autumn leaves fall around us.
“When you joined the Marines after their funeral, I understood it. I knew it hurt too much for you to be in this town. But you went away and your phone calls and letters came less and less frequent.”
He turns around with his red-rimmed eyes and my heart seizes at the pain I’ve caused him. “But then you got out of the military, and your mother and I were so happy. We thought we would be a family again.” He wipes a tear from his cheek. “But you never did come back, did you?” He shakes his head. “You died the day they did, Dante. I lost you all those years ago, but never got the closure. You carried around the guilt of living, and I carry the guilt of not doing more to help you through it. Perhaps if I did something more, I wouldn’t have lost you.”
Rubbing my face with the palms of my hands, I try to think of how to explain to him that there was nothing anyone could have done. “Dad, don’t blame yourself for anything. This is on me.”
Standing in front of me, he places his hands on my shoulders. “That’s the problem, Dante. You feel that you need to shoulder the responsibility on your own, but you don’t. I know I used to beat it in your head that being a man meant protecting your family. But what I should have told you was being a man is learning to forgive yourself and letting go. It wasn’t your fault. It was a freak accident, Dante, and there wasn’t a thing you could have done to stop it.”
I let his words surround me and then slowly sink in one word at a time. I know on some level that it was not my fault, but on another, I feel the responsibility. But I also know I need to let it go in order to be able to move on. I want to move past this. I want to think of a future with Cyma and Lelia in it. I want to be a better man for them. The constant grief that is always somewhere in the back of my heart is starting to lift little by little. I know Cyma and Lelia are the main reason for that, but my father’s words are the other. I nod to him and he hugs me again. We remain like this for a long time before he lets me go.
“Dad, give me a few minutes alone and I’ll follow you back to the house to see Mom.”
A slow smile appears on my father’s face. “I’ll call your mother. Tell her to set another spot for dinner.”
“Only if she made my favorite pot roast and some of her coconut cake.” My grin is wide as I kick a stone absentmindedly.
“I do believe, when I left, she did mention something about a pot roast. And we might still have a piece of cake left over from the church picnic.” He turns toward his car to make the phone call.
I stare at his retreating figure and my heart is full of love for the man who I’ve always strived to be like for as long as I can remember. I wave at him once he gets in his car, and then I turn back around to the grave. Kneeling down, I brush away some dead leaves off the stone.
“Guess you know why I’m here.” I take in a deep breath before finishing. “She’ll never replace you, but I do care for her and her daughter. They need me as much as I need them. Haven’t felt alive since you’ve been gone, but I do now, or at least I’m learning to.” I glance behind me and watch my father talk on his cell phone with my mother. Looking back at Kayla and my son’s grave, I finish. “You’re always with me, both of you. But I need to stop living in the past, forever stuck on the same day that took you from me. I love you both.” I stand as a wind blows some leaves around the grounds in a circle. I smile at the sight and wipe the lone tear from my cheek.
At my car, I start up the engine to follow my father back to my childhood home and to repair the damage I’ve done to my family.
Chapter 19
Every Moment ~ Dead Times
Cyma
The past few weeks with Dante have been incredible. He’s caring, loving, he makes me laugh, and he loves my daughter. Every day, he makes a point to go to the hospital to see her. I do believe Lelia is more excited to see him than me most days, as she sits in anticipation of him coming by.
He’s spoiling her rotten with gifts. Never would I have thought that a man like him would fall into being a family man with ease. He said he’s had a lot of practice with his godson, whom he can’t wait for me to meet.
The days when he goes to Westchester to visit his godson and hang out with Anaya, I chose to spend with Lelia. It’s not that I don’t want to meet his extended family, it’s just that I’m not ready to come out of the bubble that we’ve created. Once I meet everyone, then it’s no longer about just us, and I’m not ready to lose that. Dante has been understanding about it and hasn’t pressured me to meet everyone. But I know I’ll have to eventually.
Today is one of those days when he is visiting Anaya and his godson. She’s making her famous lasagna for him and Manny. I opted to stay with Lelia at the hospital. Her pallor is better and the doctor is hoping that the wait for a bone marrow donor won’t be too long. I hope so as well. It’s hard to watch your child suffer.
“Mommy, where’s Tick?” Lelia asks as she holds on to a teddy bear that he bought her yesterday. She has taken to calling him by his nickname.
“He’s visiting his friends, but he promises to be by to see you later.” I kiss her forehead.
“Is Tick my new daddy?” she asks.
Her new daddy? My heart sinks for my daughter, who doesn’t really have a memory of having a father. I dare not think it for fear of losing him. I know he says he’s here for the long haul, but he truly has not had to go through everything when it comes to dealing with a very sick child. “Umm… well, sweetheart, he’s Mommy’s friend. Let’s not mention that to him just yet.”
She smiles at me and hugs her teddy bear. “Okay, Mommy.” She lets out a yawn.
“Sleepy, baby?”
“Yes, Mommy.” She yawns again. The medication makes her tired the majority of the day.
“Want Mommy to sing you a lullaby?”
“Yes.” Her eyes begin to flicker closed as I sing.
Later, at the nurses’ station, I talk to Brenda.
“So how’s that hunk of a man of yours?” she asks as she updates a patient’s chart.
I blush at her comment. But, sweet lord, yes, he is a hunk of a man. “He’s good, visiting friends today.”
“If I know him, he’ll be by here later to see that little girl of yours.” She smiles at me.
“Yes, he’s supposed to pick me up shortly.” My heart does a little flutter thin
king about Dante.
“Girl, every time he comes to the hospital, have you noticed all the special attention the nurses give him. He’s our favorite water cooler talk.” She gives me a wink.
I laugh out loud. The nurses do swarm around him when he comes to visit Lelia. Some even come from other floors just to see him. I try not to get too jealous, because when it’s all said and done, he comes home with me and not them, so I can afford to be generous. “I bet he is. And he loves it,” I lie to her. He doesn’t seem to notice the attention. His eyes have never once wandered when he was around me or when he didn’t realize I was watching. The elevator bell chimes and I hear the door open and close a few feet away.
“Hey, how’s our girl doing today?” Dante wraps his arms around my waist from behind, kissing the back of my neck.
Turning around, I give him a quick kiss on his lips. “Better. She asked about you. How was Westchester?”
Nodding to Brenda as way of saying hello, he pulls me in for a deeper kiss before responding. “Great. Everyone can’t wait to meet you.”
I shy away from a response by taking his hand and going to Lelia’s room. “She’s asleep.”
“Sorry I didn’t get here sooner. Was hoping to read her a story.”
He’s so great with her. I can’t believe he wanted to rush here just to read her a story. “It’s okay, next time. Besides, the medication has been making her sleep more than usual anyway.”
Inside her room, he places a doll on her bed. As he kisses her gently on the forehead, I wipe a tear from my eye. We head back into the hall, and he says, “I do have to work tonight.” With my hand placed in his, he leads us to the elevator.
Crap! I was hoping we would be able to spend some time together. “It’s okay. I can use an extra shift to make some extra cash anyway.”
As we get into the elevator, he presses the button for the ground level. “You’re working the diner?”
“No, the club.” He tenses at my words. Me working at the strip club has been a touchy topic between the two of us.
“You know you don’t need to work at the club anymore. I keep telling you I got you.” We get off in the lobby and head outside to his parked car.
“We’re not having this argument again.”
He pulls me into his broad chest, and I inhale his spice-scented cologne. “It’s not an argument. Let’s consider this a debate that you will eventually lose.”
Pushing away from him, I shake my head. “Oh, no you don’t. I already explained this to you before. I can’t afford to give up my job and become dependent on you. I’ve been supporting Lelia and myself for a long time now. I can’t put any of that in jeopardy. It’s bad enough I let you settle my debt with Wheeler, but that’s it. I’m not accepting money from you. I pay my own way.”
“Listen, I get it that you’re independent. Quite frankly, it’s sexy and it turns me the fuck on. But, I want you to be able to just have to worry about Lelia and nothing else. If you want, I can open up an account under your name only and deposit some money in it. That way you don’t have to worry about security. Because what this boils down to is you’re afraid I’ll do the same thing your ex-husband did to you and that sweet little girl of yours. I’m not that man. I promise you I’ll never leave your side.”
He’s right, it’s about my ex-husband walking out and leaving us. Even though I was always the breadwinner, it hurt just the same. “Let’s just talk about this another time. And don’t go off opening up bank accounts for me either.”
Mumbling under his breath, he opens the passenger door for me to get in the car. It’s hard for a man like Tick to fall back and let someone he cares about handle things. It’s what I love and hate about him. I can’t ever lose my independence. Not for him or anyone.
“Take you straight to the club?”
“No, my house. I need to get a few things.” I make a mental note to shoot off a text to Peter and let him know I can pick up the extra shift after all.
“Maybe I can push back what I have to do instead. That way we can spend some time together.”
“Oh, no you won’t. Too late. I’m picking up that extra shift.”
“So you’re doing a double tonight at the club.”
“Yeah. Peter’s short-handed today.”
More mumbling under his breath. I close my eyes because this has become our routine whenever we discuss my shifts at the club. He drops me off in front of my building, still very much unhappy about me working a double shift tonight at the club. An hour later, I’m inside the club, getting ready.
On stage, I do a few routines for the customers before I have to go on the floor to socialize. At the club, I’m one of their top performers and I have a pretty loyal following here. Pay is okay, but tips are what really make it worth the time. Private dances are where the real money is, but I usually shy away from those. It’s too up close and personal for me. I did it a few times in the beginning, and every now and then, I may do it, but for the most part, I stay away from the private sessions in the rooms. After finishing up my routine, Peter stops me as I’m about to go on the floor to mingle.
“Hey, I need you to do me a favor.”
“What kind of favor?” One of the girls that I’m friendly with passes us by and gives me a playful pat on the butt.
“I need your help with working the private rooms.” My nose crinkles and I bite my bottom lip.
“Listen, I hardly ever ask you to do me any favors, but I really need your help. I’ll even increase your take home for the night.”
I really could use the extra cash. “Fine. I’ll do it.”
He gives me a broad smile. “Good. Start in room two.”
Before I knock on room two’s door, I say hello to Sonny, our bouncer. I wait for the customer to tell me to come in. There’s no answer, so I knock again and wait. A muffled sound comes through the door and I step into the dimly lit room. Unable to see the client, I speak into the shadows.
“I’m here for your private dance. Are you ready for me to begin?”
“Yes.” The voice sounds muffled.
“Is there a particular song you would like to hear?”
“Choice is yours.”
Whoever this person is, it’s very unusual for a customer to stand in the back in the shadows. Cueing the music, I start my dance. I close my eyes and let the music take me away. Suddenly, I feel hands wrap around my neck from behind and push me face first into the wall. I want to scream, but the person is pushing too hard on my windpipe.
“You fucking bitch!” Wheeler whispers in my ear. “You thought getting Tick to wipe your debt would set us even?” He chokes me harder. “Huh? I can’t hear you!”
He releases my throat slightly. “Pl-please don’t hurt me,” I cry out.
“You’re fucking with the wrong motherfucker, sweetheart. I still own you. Get that through your head. If you want to keep your daughter safe, you’ll do as I say. If you still want tits to flash for cash, then you’ll make me happy. Understand me?”
I nod my head, unable to form words or a real coherent thought. He shoves me back into the wall so hard that I bounce off it and fall to the ground. “Good. Glad we were able to have this chat.” He steps over me and out the door. Minutes later, Sonny comes into the room and finds me on the floor.
“What the fuck? Are you all right?” He rushes to me.
“I-I’m fine.”
“Wheeler did this?”
“Yes. Where were you?” I instinctively place my hand over the same area Wheeler was choking me only moments ago.
“Peter called just as you went into the room. He said he needed me to take care of something for him. It was kind of strange, because when I got to his office, he had changed his mind. Then I had to take a leak. Shit, sweetheart. Want to call the cops?”
“No. No cops. I have to get out of here.” Fuck, Peter must be in on the take. I have to get out of here and check on Lelia.
“You’re pretty banged up. Sure you don’t want to go
to the hospital?”
“Just help me to the dressing room.”
Sonny stares at me for a moment before picking me up in his arms to carry me out of the private room. As we go down the hall, I hear voices yelling in anger.
“Sir, you can’t go back there unless you’ve paid for a private dance.”
“I would’ve paid for one, but you fuckers told me my woman is booked for the night with another asshole! My woman does not give private dances to anyone but me. If you want to keep that fucking arm, I would move it if I were you.”
Shit! Dante! Worst timing ever. Just as I’m about to tell Sonny he better put me down so I can go talk to Dante, we hear a scuffle and Dante is booming down the hall. He sees me in Sonny’s arms and charges toward us.
“What the fuck?” he yells at both of us.
“Dante, it’s not what you think.” I hold my palm out in front of me.
“Well, I don’t know, babe, what do I think?” he asks as he glares at Sonny.
“Hey, man, listen, I’m just the bouncer. A client roughed her up. I was carrying her to the dressing room.”
“What did you just say?” Dante’s eyes narrow and I shrink deeper into Sonny’s arms.
Why couldn’t Sonny just let me do the talking? “Sonny, you better put me down.”
“Umm, can you walk?” he asks with concern.
“Give her to me!” Dante storms over with his arms outstretched. Sonny places me in Dante’s arms. Once deposited safely in Dante’s care, Sonny gives me an apologetic look. Not sure if the look was for not being there when I was attacked or for the angry, imposing man who’s carrying me away. Dante doesn’t say a word as he maneuvers through the club and patrons stare at us. He still doesn’t talk when he places me carefully in the backseat of his car. Sonny runs outside with my belongings. Dante takes them with a growl and Sonny slinks back inside of the club without a backward glance. Silence surrounds us as he drives through the streets of Manhattan to his Chelsea loft.