Chapter 26
Wherefore Art Thou, D?
I pass by the coffee shop below the Stark Software offices to get Daniel his favorite before climbing up to his office. I frown back at Anne’s frown when she sees me. Acentric and uptight as she usually is, she’d always been nice to me. Even a bit too trying, but she always means well, bless her neurotic soul. “Is he with someone?” I ask tipping my chin at Daniel’s closed door. Her frown deepens and she jumps out of her chair. “I brought him coffee.” I gesture with the cup in my hand.
“Miss Grace, um.”
“It’s Hayley,” I murmur. Not sure why I even bother anymore. It’s a lost cause.
Her brows almost meet when she says, “Mr. Stark didn’t come in today.” She looks at me. “I thought he was at home actually. His phone has been switched off since early morning.”
I try to search my mind to remember if Daniel mentioned anything about being away.
“He had a full day. He didn’t even let me know he was going to be absent or ask me to cancel his meetings.”
What’s going on, D?
“I see,” I say, not sure what to think. Trying hard not to let the worry seeping into me grow, I say, “I’m heading home, so I’ll ask him to call you when I see him.”
On my way to the car, I go through my emails again. With Daniel’s constant traveling, we got to the point where he just forwards me his itineraries, instead of telling me about them. There’s nothing planned for today.
With my handbag still on my shoulder, I pass by each room, including the guesthouses, finding them all empty. I plunge onto one of the kitchen’s highchairs, my mind working overtime. I drop my bag on the counter, my shoulders slumping with the weight of my worry. The more I think about it, the less sense it makes. Erratic as he may be at times, he’d never just up and disappear without letting me know he’d be gone for a while. Or let Anne know, for that matter. She practically runs his life. I try not to wander into worrisome territory. Pushing out of the chair, I make my way to change into something warmer.
It’s not okay to sit in one place and delve for hours on end. It’s not okay to sulk for the equivalent amount of time. It’s not okay to feel such healthy belligerence toward your significant other without a sound reason. And it’s definitely not okay to screen your best friends’ calls. But that’s exactly what I’ve been doing since I got home. I chance a glance at my phone’s clock. Nine thirty. D, where are you? As much as I try, I can’t tune out the whispers of our recent “hiccups,” and the very vivid dream I had hums in the recesses of my mind. My stomach is so strung, I feel nauseated. I curl on the living room sofa, wrapping a throw around me, waiting. Somehow, our home in a way still feels warm by his presence, yet painfully cold by his absence. Fatigue laced dread sneaks in, slowly and heavily pressing on my eyelids.
Shaken, my eyes rip open at the chime of my phone. For short, hazy moments, I’m disoriented, surfacing from a brief, tense doze. Relief washes over me to Daniel’s name on the screen.
“Daniel,” his name is an urgent breath.
“Hales . . .”
I used to think love was an urban legend and that you could never be that connected to another person. But now I know it couldn’t be truer and that that person lives in your bloodstream and you come to know them so deeply that simply the cadence of their voice can shake your entire world with dread.
“Are you okay?” is blurted out of my mouth.
“Yes. Can you come down to Baja?”
Baja? “What? Baja? When? What are you doing in Baja?”
“You’re booked on the next flight going out at half past ten. Hales, I can’t talk right now. Just come.”
And he is gone.
Jarred to my core, I stare ahead, holding the phone in a tight grip. I blink twice and drop my eyes to the device. It’s hard to comprehend the nature of my emotions, I’m burning from the inside—part anxious, part mad. Not sure which part is greater.
Chapter 27
Come Pick Me Up
The moment the plane’s wheels come in contact with the ground, I try Daniel’s number once more. Nothing. Mixed emotions swim in my head, weighing on my stomach. Don’t go there, Hales. The fear and anxiety throw me back to when he was held hostage in Thailand. At least, this time, I know for sure where he is, and most importantly, that he’s alive. This time, besides harboring tension that makes it hard to properly breathe, I’m also mad. Because whatever it is that he needs to tell me, he could have done it in so many different and better ways. Talk to me, confront me, instead of letting me jump into the rabbit hole that is my imagination. Feels like in a way, we’re back to when we started seeing each other when he kept everything to himself. This is something I’m not willing to endure again. Not anymore, especially at this point in our relationship when we’re planning a future together, a family.
Sitting in the cab, I stare at the scenery passing before me, not really seeing it. My mind, fueled by worry and irritation, doesn’t take anything in besides the thoughts twirling in my head. I heave loudly, shaking my head. I’m upset. Majorly upset. Because whatever he needs to tell me, he shouldn’t have made me come all the way to Baja to do it. With only moments left of the drive, I start composing the mother of all lectures in my head. But no matter how mad I am, I’ll be there for him, whatever it is. I just hope he still wants me to be there for him . . .
I believe that we all possess an innate intuition of what’s right and what’s wrong for us. How we choose to utilize that intuition is a different story. For me, I’ve disregarded it many times, or occasionally even defied it. Alas, very seldom, I have embraced it. However, when it comes to Daniel and our relationship, the moment I chose to put that ring on my finger, I took an internal oath to trust my feelings for him, my intuitions, our bond, and mostly, his love for me. In the same breath, I also pledged to toss my insecurities into the garbage and pay less attention to the pinch of maddening traits my beloved psycho has been blessed with. Because, boy, since the tsunami that is my Daniel has barged into my life, I’ve been both Danielized, and to a degree, let’s call a spade a spade, stupefied. Vowing to first listen and then lash out, I pay the driver and search for my key.
The key isn’t necessary, though, for the front door is unlocked. I feel my way through the dark till my hand reaches the light switch. I give the living room a peep and cringe at the half bottle of scotch standing solo on the table. I pick up Daniel’s shirt that’s lying on the floor next to his deserted shoes. I drop the shirt on the armrest, and head toward where blurry music is playing.
“Daniel,” I call out, still nursing confusion, and to a greater degree, anger. I’m more than ready to confront him with everything that has been boiling inside me for the past twenty-four hours. A quick glance at the panoramic windows reveals his whereabouts. My heart lodges up in my throat as I make my way to the deck. The only light illuminating the space is the full moon’s soft gleam. The background music is loud and angry, pounding in perfect harmony to my heart. I take a couple of steps toward the outdoor surround system and turn the volume down. That’s when Daniel finally realizes I’m there.
The look in his eyes as they shine from under the cowl of a hoodie makes my next breath trap inside. I study him for a stilled moment, slouched on a recliner, clad in a dark hoodie and board shorts. He opens his mouth to speak and shuts it right back, a frown, painful frown, veiling his face. I take another step, eyes steady on his, fearing to hear what was about to leave his mouth. The air he is radiating makes me want to both hug him tight and run the other way, as fast as I can. The look on his face tells me that whatever he is about to say will break my heart because that’s exactly how he looks. Wrecked. I take another hesitant step to reach him. He tips his head to look up at me, and I physically feel his pain filtering into me.
I part my lips to speak but no words come out. Instead, I’m being pulled forward by his arm that’s encircling my waist. “Hales,” leaves his mouth as he buries his face in my stomach.
Instinctively, my fingers thread in his hair, holding him to me in compassion. I bend down to kiss his hair, my eyes closed, my heart pelting at the walls of my chest. I let him take comfort in me for a silent beat.
“Daniel,” I say in a dainty voice. “What is it? You’re scaring me.” It feels like a small ice cube is making its way slowly down my neck as I wait for him to speak.
He looks up, his features hard, the creases between his brows dense. “Iris’s cancer is back.”
“No,” is ripped out of my throat. A watery screen blurs my vision as I stare back at Daniel.
“The results came in today,” he says, overwhelming sadness sitting in his eyes.
“I-I’m so sorry,” I stutter, gazing back at him through unshed tears.
Daniel pulls me onto his lap, embracing me tightly, burying his face in my hair.
We hold one another closely in this darkness, between periods of brief conversations and stretched silence. Daniel answers the questions I have after he explains Iris’s disease and the series of treatments she has ahead of her.
He also told me about a long and exhausting argument they had, where he’d implored she move to San Francisco, at least for the treatments. In utter frustration, he tells me how she wouldn’t cave in.
“Hey.” I send my hand to his bristled cheek. “You should have told me about it from day one.”
He shakes his head, jaw clutched. “You had enough weighing on you. I didn’t want to add any additional tension.”
It’s my turn to shake my head. “It doesn’t work like this. There I was prioritizing me before you and I didn’t even notice you were going through something so grave. I mean, I didn’t think that there was something in addition to the regular daily stress.” I let out a bitter chuckle. “Daniel, I came here tonight ready to give you a piece of my mind, not even knowing you were . . .”
“You came here for me, Hales. That’s all that matters.” His fingers trace over my freckles, over the bridge of my nose. He leans in to lightly kiss the trail.
I look at him, holding his stare with mine. “Because you always take precedence, no matter what.” His eyes soften. “I love my family and friends, but nothing comes close to what you mean to me. I’ll always be there for you. I can’t do that if I don’t know what you’re going through, though. You need to let me in.”
“I needed to process it by myself. Hales, I can’t even measure how important you are to me, but this is something that . . .” He heaves loudly. “Fuck. I didn’t . . . Hales, I don’t know how to deal with it. I can’t lose her.” He closes his eyes. “It’s so hard going through this again.” He shakes his head. “It’s amazing how helpless I feel. Everything I own, all the money in the world, is worth nothing when you can’t use it to help the people important to you.”
“You are not helpless. You’re there for her and that is all that matters. And, this time, I’m here for you,” I say in a soft voice. I hold him tight, the lump in my throat expanding. There’s only you for me. You and so many feelings.
Chapter 28
Keep Your Chakras Lit
My breath becomes shaky as soon as the door opens. Noticing my quivering lips, Iris takes me into her arms. “Hayley, honey.” She leans her chin on my shoulder, hugging me with candid warmness.
Releasing me, she gives Daniel a long scan. “You haven’t slept.” She slowly slides the palm of her hand over his unshaven cheek, looking at him with loving eyes.
“I’m okay,” he says curtly. “How do you feel?”
Her stare lingers on him, assessing. “I’m fine. It’s you I worry about. Come on in. I’ll start the kettle.”
I lace my fingers with Daniel’s, bringing our joined hands to my lips. His lip tips up in a weary smile as he returns my stare, sitting next to me on the low sofa.
A jingling sound of a few bell anklets approaches. “I missed you greatly, Hayley,” Iris says, setting a round tray with an intricately textured teapot and small plates of dried fruits and oatmeal cookies on the table. She settles herself cross-legged on a patchwork bean bag, facing us.
“Same here.” I smile at her, working hard not to show the sadness inside me.
“So tell me, what’s new?” Her perpetual thin smile on as she pours us tea. Her hands hug the mug, her eyes caressing me.
“Oh, nothing much. How are you?” I say, too devastated to be acting business as usual.
I turn to look at Daniel, who’s drinking from his steaming mug. My brows crinkle. Daniel doesn’t drink tea, ever. But clearly he’s not himself. He appears to be . . . lost.
“Well, I’m going to have my first exhibition in three months,” she beams, her eyes weak yet joyful.
“That’s wonderful,” I say. I’m genuinely thrilled for her but still can’t refrain from thinking how she’ll incorporate it with her forthcoming chemo and the side effects.
Her stare becomes dreamy as she says, “Having your art up there in person for people to see . . .”
“Maybe you should wait with that,” Daniel’s grave voice stops her. “Wait till the first round of chemo is over. You’ll need all your strength to heal. I’m not sure if now is the best time to put yourself under additional pressure.”
She shakes her head, her soft smile intact. “I’m not going to stop everything I believe in and love, not even for a while. To win a fight, you should take the bad with the good. Balance, love. It’s all about balance. This couldn’t have come at a better time, as I see it. I have something to look forward to. Something to take my mind off things I don’t want to give too much weight to.”
“Iris.” Her name on Daniel’s lips is a concern, a struggle.
“I’ve been there before,” she says, and the effect of her words bluntly shows on Daniel’s face. He looks in pain. “I got through it once, and I’ll do that again.” She inches to touch his hand. “You shouldn’t worry so much.”
It appears as if he is doing everything in his power not to explode. “Someone needs to take this seriously.” He sighs. “At least, move in with us till you’re better.”
“Let us take care of you,” I add.
She shakes her head again. “I appreciate your offer and love, but my life is here. I’m happy here, and I have so many things going on. I’m not going to drop everything and focus on my illness. You should never give up and stop believing because that’s when you can taste the end.”
“Iris,” I try.
“Honey …” She shakes her head, her lips in an easy smile. “I need to be somewhere where I feel spiritually fitted. Spiritually balanced.”
From the corner of my eye, I notice Daniel’s fuse slowly burning. He’s one chakra talk away from detonating. I lean into him, take his hand in mine, and hold it between my hands. He sends his other hand to fiddle with a pale green sticky note stuck to the low table. He tilts his head reading it. He frowns, turning his stare to his mother. “All things are the truth in themselves?”
“Just a reminder of the Buddhist Lotus Sutra.” Iris says. The frown in Daniel’s expression deepens, that burning fuse shifting gears. “It’s so magnificent, how the universe sends us exactly what we need when we need it the most, don’t you think?” She adds next.
We both give her a “are you high, woman?” look.
Her smile expands. “Remember Dr. Owen, honey?” she asks Daniel.
“Of course.” He turns to me. “That’s the doctor I had her see. He’s supposed to be the best.”
“We started seeing each other,” Iris says in her calm, singsong voice. I let out a small chuckle. Loving her a little more than I already do. Only Iris can find the good in a fatal disease and applause the forces to be for it.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake. You’ve got to be kidding me.” Yep, that’s Daniel’s patience finally wearing thinner than thin. “I’m going to . . .” He gestures with his phone to nowhere in particular, standing up.
Oh, D, aren’t you going to hold hands with us and praise the universe?
I bite on my lip, watc
hing Daniel make himself scarce. Iris turns to me, shaking her head, amusement donning her hazel eyes.
“So tell me all about this doctor.”
Her eyes spark up. She takes a throw pillow and places it on her thighs. Fiddling with the ruffled hem, she says, “He has such a kind spirit.” Sass climbs up onto her lips. “And he’s all kinds of handsome.”
“I’m intrigued.” I perk up, not able to subdue my smile.
“Well, after my biopsy, he asked me for coffee. The same evening we went out for dinner. That evening lasted till the next day.” My grin widens to her wink. “We’ve been seeing each other since.”
“That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you.” It amazes me how her dreadful disease doesn’t even factor into her overall state. She looks genuinely content. Taking a sip of my drink, I wait for her to carry on.
“Hayley darling, you can’t believe how a good orgasm frees your mind of everything pressing.”
Spraying out the tea, I look at her horrified. In the same breath, I thank all possible spiritual beings that Daniel wasn’t present for his mother’s unabashed declaration.
“It works miracles,” she adds.
How does one answer such a declaration from one’s future mother-in-law? “Oh, I couldn’t agree more, and thank you for spawning such an orgasm-giving extraordinaire yourself. Great job! Here’s to freeing orgasms!”
My cheeks cool down a little when I finally say, “Um, I’m glad you’ve found ways to ease your mind of things. Good for you.”
Chapter 29
I Kissed a Girl
Saying that the past few weeks have been easy would be a complete falsehood. They’ve been eventful and stressful and tense. Albeit, if I’m being completely honest, there have also been little comforting sparks of joy that have helped in keeping my mental balance to a certain degree.
Sitting at my desk, wrapping up a presentation Josh asked me to put together, I smile at the thought of the last time Ian and I had joined Iris for her chemo. It was a day before Ian was supposed to leave again after a short visit. Given his great fondness for Iris, he insisted on tagging along. Sucking on popsicles, taking Cosmo love and relationship quizzes together, we could hardly contain our spurts of laughter. By the fourth question, two more patients joined our little hoopla. When three more ladies showed interest in taking part, I had to run to the nearest convenience store to get some more popsicles. We took turns answering the questions, each one of us spicing up our answers for the sake of women comradery and amusement. There was a moment of collective feminine, and one Ian, swooning, when Owen, Iris’s doctor boyfriend, came to say hi.
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