Black Box Inc.

by Jake Bible

  My eyes shot open, and I was faced with a smirking Aspen.

  “Someone is easily swayed,” Aspen said. “I don’t think this dimension is going to be good for you, Chase Lawter.”

  “I should tear you apart,” Lassa said, moving between me and the faerie before I could respond to Aspen. “Without Harper and her gun here, I could snap your arms off. Rip them right out of their sockets and beat you to death with them.”

  “How gratuitous,” Aspen said and licked his lips. “I’d love to see you try.”

  “There will be no ripping nor tearing,” Teresa said as she took a seat in an old, but sturdy-looking wicker chaise lounges. She relaxed into it and put her hands behind her head. “We were promised tea and cakes.”

  “Yes, you were,” Aspen said.

  He clapped his hands, and the sound of wind chimes echoed throughout the sunroom. I hated wind chimes. But the ones ringing were kind of soothing. So very soothing—

  “Mr. Lawter,” Teresa snapped again.

  “Huh? What? Dammit. Sorry,” I said.

  I was sitting, but didn’t have the foggiest idea when I’d done that. Next to me was a small table with a plate of the smallest cakes I’d ever seen and a cup of tea. It was a normal-size cup of tea. That was good because the sunroom was making me thirsty. So goddamn thirsty.

  “How long was I out?” I asked.

  “Long enough to be worrisome,” Teresa said. She was busy sipping her tea and nibbling on a cake. “Eat. Drink. We’re still waiting on Daphne and Harper to join us.”

  I pointed at the tea and cake Teresa was consuming. “Is that a good idea?”

  “What? No, certainly not,” Teresa said. “But if they are going to poison us or enchant us they could do that without tea and cakes. We’re in the faerie dimension, Mr. Lawter. They don’t need trickery to destroy us.”

  “That is so true,” Daphne said as she came gliding into the sunroom.

  She’d changed. Instead of the red sundress, she wore a pair of bright yellow capris with a sleeveless half blouse that showed off her six-pack toned midriff. Lassa gave a small squeak and turned to stare out the windows, keeping his eyes averted from Daphne.

  “Does my image offend you that much, Lassa love?” Daphne mocked. He squeaked again, but didn’t look back. “Oh, well. I’ll have to live with that.”

  “This is delicious,” Teresa said. “What flavor of cake is this?”

  “Soul of an adulterer,” Daphne said.

  “Ah, yes, I thought I recognized it,” Teresa replied. “Your chef managed to get the ratio of regret to lust just right. I’ll have to ask for the recipe before we leave.”

  “I’ll be sure she provides it,” Daphne said and took a seat. She made a show of crossing her slim, muscular legs.

  Her eyes landed on me, and I suddenly had to fight not to pass out. The faerie dimension was no good for me. I swallowed hard and picked up my tea cup, managing to spill half the contents before getting it to my mouth.

  “Goddammit,” I muttered.

  “You are such a delight,” Daphne said, her eyes refusing to let me go. “To think the power of the Universe courses through you. Chase Lawter, defiler of dimensions. What a waste.”

  “Why are we here?” Lassa blurted out, still refusing to face Daphne. He was shaking uncontrollably. It must have been an effort even to form that coherent question.

  “We already know why we are here,” Teresa said. “So that Mr. Lawter can steal Lord Beelzebub’s soul for you, correct?”

  “Not only Chase, but all of you,” Daphne said. “Even Harper. And Aspen. The job could be rough. In fact, I expect a good deal of roughness and danger. We’ll need all hands on deck.”

  “Excuse me?” Aspen choked. “Mum? We never discussed my involvement in this other than to set the trap.”

  “We didn’t?” Daphne mused. “Hmmm. How absentminded of me, Aspen love. I thought I had made that clear.”

  “No, mum, you did not,” Aspen said. “I have a certain skill set. The killing kind. I am not a faerie equipped for a soul heist.”

  “Oh, but I do not need you to be equipped for a soul heist, dearest,” Daphne said. “Soul heist. I like that turn of phrase. I hope we are in need of more souls so I can use the phrase again.”

  “If I am not needed for the heist, then why am I accompanying them?” Aspen asked.

  “Because I want you to,” Daphne said with a tone that clearly stated her lack of patience with the argument.

  “Yes, of course,” Aspen said and gave a short bow. “My apologies.”

  “No apologies needed,” Daphne said, waving a playful hand at him. “I was only teasing you. Of course your skill set of the killing kind is what I need. You will be going with these lesser beings to keep an eye on them. If they refuse to perform the task, then you will butcher them without mercy. Is that clear?”

  “Yes, mum,” Aspen said, his grin wide and deadly. “So very clear.”

  “There. That’s the mood I love to see on your face, Aspen,” Daphne said. She licked her lips. “It puts me in a mood, as well.” Her voice had dropped half an octave.

  Lassa fell over, then slowly picked himself back up while we watched, everyone except Daphne embarrassed for him, even Aspen.

  “I’m good,” he said.

  “Chase? Eat. You need your strength,” Daphne said. “That awful piece of changeling was draining you.”

  I glanced at Teresa, and she nodded.

  I picked up a little cake and popped the whole thing into my mouth. It was quite possibly the most disgusting thing I had ever eaten in my life. Which is saying something since I’ll eat almost anything. My refrigerator philosophy is that if you can’t see or smell the mold, then the food is fair game no matter how long it’s been in there. Eating that cake made me wish for month-old anchovy pizza. It was that bad.

  As I tried not to gag and throw the cake up, I noticed something interesting. My hunger was gone. Completely gone. That was huge. Ever since my gift of being able to work the Dim was thrust upon me, I’ve had an ever-present gnawing in my belly. No matter how much I eat, I can never feel entirely full. With one faerie cake, that nagging emptiness was gone.

  I wasn’t hungry for the first time in a long time. And that painful, sick feeling was almost gone too. Son of a bitch.

  “The taste is hard to get used to for some,” Daphne said as she watched me closely. “But I believe the results are worth it.”

  Teresa eyed me as well, but didn’t say anything. She simply picked up another cake and nibbled at it. Daphne did the same. I think I hit my being-eyed-by-a-banshee-and-faerie-at-the-same-time quota for the century right then.

  “Now, how about we get down to business?” Daphne said as she leaned forward and rested her forearms on her knees. “I’m going to tell you what I want you to do and you will listen very, very carefully. Sound good?”

  12

  “YOU SAID HARPER is going with us,” I said as I sipped more tea, desperate to get the cake taste out of my mouth. “Where is she? Shouldn’t she be here with us, planning?”

  “She’ll plan with you later,” Daphne said. “She is busy at the moment.”

  “Busy doing what?” I asked.

  “Mr. Lawter,” Teresa warned.

  “No, no, it’s a valid question,” Daphne said. Some of the bubbling effervescent personality fell away, and I could see the business side of Daphne peek out from behind her mask. Then she noticed me noticing her, and the bubbling was back. “I love when humans exercise their little minds. Like a baby bird learning to fly for the first time.”

  “Right, baby bird, cute stupid human,” I said and giggled. It was a horrid sounding giggle and unnerved everyone. That was the goal. The giggle became a growl, and I sneered at Daphne. “Harper. How did you turn her?”


  “Uh-oh,” Daphne said. “Someone lost that pit of discomfort in his tummy and is now feeling brave.” She snapped her sharp-nailed fingers. “Aspen? Punch the brave little birdie in the balls, would you please, love?”

  “I, uh, yes, of course,” Aspen said.

  “Wait, what?” I exclaimed. “Yeah, no, I’d rather he not.”

  “You don’t get a say in this,” Daphne replied. “You never get a say in anything. I want this to serve as a lesson and reinforce that fact inside your little human brain.”

  I stood up, ready to fight. My hands were already starting the motions to work the Dim.

  “Sit down!” Daphne roared, and her true faerie face revealed itself. Shadows and flame and torture and doom. “Now!”

  I sat down.

  “Sorry, mate,” Aspen said as he stood over me. He actually looked sorry, which I thought was strange. Then he punched me right in the nuts, and any follow-up thoughts were gone.

  I threw up what was left of the little cake. It sat there in a pool of tea and bile. I stared down, trying hard not to think about how fast the pain had returned and the way my insides wanted to crawl up out of my throat to follow the partially digested dessert.

  “Oh, dear, you made a mess,” Daphne said. “Clean it up.”

  I struggled to uncurl and sit upright. When I did, I could see she was staring right at me.

  “What?” I croaked. “Are you shitting me?”

  “No, I am not shitting you,” Daphne said. “Clean. It. Up.”

  “Gonna need a towel and—”

  “Lick it up,” Daphne interrupted. “Little birds eat puke. That’s what little birds do. Don’t waste that cake, Chase. I had it made especially for you and your condition. Lick. It. Up.”

  “Okay, I think this has gone on long enough,” Teresa said. “You have played your temporal card, which means my extradimensional paperwork, and the protections that affords me, are null and void. But do not think for one minute I can’t figure out a way around that, love.”

  “Someone likes to play with fire,” Daphne said. She slowly, gracefully, stood up. She flattened the front of her capris, then adjusted her top. “I would like you to say that to me again.”

  “Of course,” Teresa said as she stood up and did the opposite of Daphne by letting her glowing blue gown flow and flutter in a breeze that didn’t exist. “Should I say it louder this time? Because I can get much, much louder.”

  Daphne watched Teresa for several minutes. Teresa did not flinch.

  “Fine,” Daphne said. “In the interest of business, I’ll let little birdie off the hook. He doesn’t have to lick up his sick. Too bad. That hunger of his will now be coming back. Hard.”

  She was right. I could already feel the gnawing over the top of my other discomfort. Dammit. But, there was no way I was eating more of the godawful cake even if offered.

  “All right, fun time’s over,” Daphne said. She turned and walked away from all of us. “Come along. Time to put your annoyances to work.”

  She swayed her hips like she was walking the runway as she moved toward a glass door. Outside was nothing but an endless lawn dotted with animal topiaries shaped in pornographic poses. But when she opened the door, there was no lawn or shrubbery trimmed to look like squirrels doing it. Instead, there was a wood-paneled study filled almost from wall to wall by a huge ornate desk.

  Everyone followed her into the study, although my pace wasn’t exactly brisk, and Aspen shut the door behind us. The second Lassa was over the study’s threshold, he seemed to snap back to his old self. He shook his head and squinted his eyes at Daphne as the faerie took a seat behind the desk.

  “Damn,” he mumbled. “That was different.”

  “Now you know what it’s like when lesser-willed beings gaze upon you,” Daphne said. “I thought it would be fun to give you a taste of your own sexual medicine.”

  Aspen started humming Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing, but stopped with one look from Daphne.

  “Sorry,” he said. “Sexual magic, sexual healing. It seemed fitting.”

  “Did it?” Daphne asked absentmindedly as she opened a drawer and produced a thick file folder. She slapped the file on the desk, then slid it to the outer edge. “Have a look.”

  Teresa crossed to the desk and picked up the folder. She opened it and began to study the pages inside. After a couple of minutes, she closed the folder and tucked it under her arm, then moved back to where Lassa and I stood.

  “Lord Beelzebub is not an easy entity to get to,” Teresa said. “I went through half a dozen process servers when I needed a deposition from him once. How can you expect Black Box Inc. to steal his soul, let alone get out of that dimension alive and return here with it in a Dim box?”

  “That is not my problem,” Daphne said.

  She sounded bored. All the coquettish play was done. The cat no longer cared about the mice. Not good.

  “If I wanted to figure that out, then I wouldn’t have gone to the trouble of setting all of this up, now would I?”

  I cleared my throat. It still burned from my ball-crushing-induced vomiting.

  “Yes, little birdie?” Daphne asked.

  “If Sharon was here, she’d point out that we are a storage and courier service, not a snatch-and-grab service,” I said. “I think you may have hired the wrong folks for the job.”

  “No, I hired the perfect folks for the job,” she said. “Do you know why?”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “Because according to Lord Beelzebub, you’ve already done the job,” Daphne said.

  “Yeah, but we haven’t,” I said. “And, to be honest, lady, I don’t think I want to play this crap-ass game of yours.”

  “If that’s the case, then I guess I don’t need to let you live any longer, do I?” Daphne replied. “More importantly, I don’t need to let your woman live. Aspen?”

  “Yes, mum?”

  “The woman is secure?”

  “Yes, mum.”

  “Excellent. Have her killed since Chase here refuses to play our crap-ass game.”

  “Leave Iris out of this,” I spat. “We can adapt.”

  “I am sure you can,” Daphne said and clasped her hands, then leaned forward, resting her arms on the desk. “Let me make this simple. I need Lord Beelzebub’s soul. Why is my concern, so do not ask. All of the intel I have on his palace can be found in that file that Ms. Sullivan is holding. But, and this is important, so listen up, what you need to know is that if you do not do this, not only will I flay you alive, but I will have Aspen drop your girlfriend off into one of the worst dimensions I can find, where she will be defiled for eternity.”

  “Iris isn’t my girlfriend,” I said. “We have this will they, won’t they thing going on, but we haven’t moved past that.”

  “I see why you need Ms. Spaglioni to run your operation. You’d never get anything done without her,” Daphne said, shaking her head. “I say that even though I abhor zombies and refuse to let their kind step one rotten foot in my dimension.”

  “Yeah, yeah, you don’t like zombies. How original,” I said. “So, say we can steal the Devil’s soul.”

  “Not the Devil,” Aspen snapped.

  “Whatever, pal,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “Say we steal the soul and get it back here to you. What then? We go free? Iris goes free? No hard feelings? How does that work, because I’m going to have hard feelings. And, if you’ve ever met Iris, you’d know she is going to be soooo goddamn pissed.”

  Daphne blinked at me a few times, then focused her attention on Teresa.

  “I have this,” Teresa said and turned to me. “Mr. Lawter?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Shut up,” she said. “Stop talking. This is the time for listening. So do that. Do nothi
ng else but that. There is no other option. Listen and only listen. When we are done here, we will be allowed to plan and then you can do all the talking you want.”

  “I don’t think anyone wants that,” Aspen said under his breath.

  “Until we are alone and able to begin planning, you will remain silent and you will do what . . . ?” Teresa continued, ignoring Aspen’s remark.