“He’s a good guy. She seems happy with him.”
“So you’re close with your sisters?”
“I am. I’m probably closer with Tash now that we’re both adults and I can babysit her kids occasionally.” He laughs. “We always got along, but she was a teenager when I was still in preschool so there was a different dynamic between us. I was always close with Amelia. She used to make me dress up as a fairy with her when we were kids. My parents love to pull out the pictures whenever they get a chance.”
“I’ll bet you looked adorable.”
He grins and glances at me. “It’s the dimples.”
I smile in return and adjust myself in my seat. “So why didn’t you stay with your sister instead of me? Doesn’t her husband like you?”
“He likes me just fine. But I’m not trying to win her over.”
“This is just one big set-up between you and Coral, isn’t it? You both think you know what’s best for me?”
“Maybe that’s what Coral’s motives are. Mine are much more selfish.”
“And childish.”
He shrugs. “Maybe. But what about you? Do you have much family?”
Pursing my lips, I shake my head, pulling my ponytail over my shoulder and playing with the end of my hair. It’s a way to keep my focus divided and my emotions out of my answers. “No siblings. Dad left when I was a kid, so it’s just my mum. I don’t see her though. She wasn’t really into the whole mother-daughter thing. Sometimes we exchange Christmas cards. Sometimes we don’t. She was living in Canberra last I heard. But that was years ago.”
I put it all out there, just enough information so he doesn’t need to ask any more questions.
Turning away from the road for just a second, I see the empathy etched in his features just above his left brow. Before he can tell me how sorry he is, I sit up straight and change the topic
“You know, I looked up this Tesla car of yours online.”
“OK.”
“It’s one of those crazy expensive cars that can drive themselves.”
“Are you suggesting I stole it?”
“I don’t know. But I am curious how a guy without a job can drop that much cash on a car he doesn’t even know how to use properly. Especially when you were driving an old panel van that day at the beach.”
“You can’t exactly fit a surfboard in a Tesla.”
“Who’s car is this?”
He laughs. “Does it matter?”
“It does when I’ve been arrested for being the passenger in a stolen car before. I don’t think the police would believe I was naïve enough to do it unknowingly a second time.”
“I own the car, Ruby. I assure you. And I also know how to use it properly.”
“Then why do you drive it yourself?”
“Because I like driving.”
“Then why have this particular car? You could sell it and get one that doesn’t have a supercomputer and some biowarfare defence filter or whatever it is.”
“It’s a really good air filter,” he says, gesturing toward the touch screen in the dashboard.
“Whatever it is, I don’t understand having something this cool and not taking advantage of it.”
“Fine.” He activates the console monitor and programs the car to drive the long way back home. The car starts driving on its own.
“This is insane.” I laugh, feeling like a little kid with a new toy.
“Happy now?”
“Yes!” The grin pushes my cheeks so high it hurts.
Flynn crosses his legs in the yoga position and puts his hands behind his head. The car speeds up, slows down and corners all by itself.
“This is awesome.”
“Want to sit in the driver seat?” he asks.
“We can’t,” I protest, even though that’s exactly what I want to do.
“Sure we can. Switch seats with me.”
“Really?”
“Live on the edge a little, Ruby.”
Biting my lip, I decide the risk is worth it. The car is driving itself, so what could possibly happen? Shifting my weight, I place one foot on the edge of Flynn’s seat, my butt against the ceiling as he slides beneath me and we change positions. The manoeuvre requires my hand on his shoulder and his on my hips. Once again, his hands feel at home on my skin. And by the time we’re both in our new spots, we aren’t laughing anymore. We’ve gone quiet, the air thick with the tension Coral says you can slice with a knife.
I am overly warm.
Flynn reaches over and taps at the control screen, and pretty soon the car is parking itself on the side of the road. I’m so impressed that I almost forget my discomfort.
Luckily—not really—Flynn is here to remind me. “I need you to know that I’m not going to make any moves on you until you break up with Jason.”
“Joel.”
“I know.”
“Then get it right,” I snap.
“I can’t,” he bites back. His jaw clenches and he shakes his head before he releases a loaded breath and speaks calmly. “If I call him by his name, then he becomes a person. Then I’m going to feel really shitty for what I’m doing.”
“Cutting his grass?”
“Yes,” he answers with the utmost sincerity. “I am one hundred percent here to move in on that guy’s girl.”
“At least you’re honest about it.”
“Well, I feel like an arsehole.”
“Then why are you doing it?”
“Because.” The word leaves his mouth as an exasperated sigh as he drops the weight of his head onto the back of his seat. “You’re in my head, Ruby. God, I get hard just looking at you—thinking about you. You invade my dreams, and no matter how shitty the words are leaving that gorgeous mouth of yours, I want to hear more. For whatever insane reason, I need you in my life. And if I’m not blunt with you about my intentions, then you’re going to completely convince yourself that you belong with this square of a man who could never make you happy.”
“What the hell do you know?”
“A hell of a lot. I see you, Ruby. I. See. You. And most days you’re just trying to keep it together. You’re presenting this façade to the world that’s what you think you should be. But it’s making you miserable and dulling that bright fucking light that I see go on inside you whenever we’re together and you let go of all that crap for just a second. It’s beautiful and I know that that woman—the one who is completely fearless—is the person you are.”
“All you see are glimpses of me doing shit I logically shouldn’t be doing. It’s not who I am. Around you I’m... tempted. That’s what you are, Flynn—a temptation. You tempt me back to a life I’ve been trying to leave behind. You’re a dance with danger. A walk on the wild side.”
“I’m not wild,” he interjects.
“You’re fun to be around and if we’re being really honest here, you’re hot as hell and you make my head feel really fucked up. But you’re no good for me. Don’t you get that? I want stability. I want safety. And with you, I don’t have any of that. You don’t even have a job, but you throw money around without a lot of thought and you never give me a straight answer about anything. We fight, like, all the time.”
“That’s because we’re supposed to be fucking, Ruby.”
His words stop me in my tracks, momentarily stunning me until my train of thought returns. Meanwhile, we just glare at each other, static crackling in the air. I’m the first to look away.
“You’re probably right. But, if I fuck you—even if it’s just to make this tension go away—then I lose Joel. I don’t want to lose him.”
“What’s there to lose? A quiet life where you’ll find true joy?” The tone of his voice is mocking.
“Don’t you use my inspiration board against me.”
“Why not? You’re using it to justify your reasons for not being with me. How about I change it up a little? ‘A quiet mind is able to hear intuition over fear.’”
“That’s what I’m doing, Fl
ynn. I’m seeking out some sort of peace so I don’t have to be scared anymore,” I yell.
“That’s bullshit and you know it,” he yells back. “This tension isn’t going to go away, Ruby. This... this is something bigger than a desire to fuck. It’s a calling. Like, if we miss out on this we will never find this feeling again. Which brings me to another quote, ‘Fear is temporary. Regret is forever.’ You’re so intent on being scared and staying that way you’re ignoring your intuition that is screaming at you. You’re letting your fears lead you down the safest road you can think of. Safe is boring, Ruby. It isn’t you. You’ll never be happy like that.”
“You don’t know me!” I scream, blocking my ears. I don’t want to hear any more.
“How about another quote for you,” he continues regardless. “Love is like a fart; if you have to force it, it’s probably shit.”
“Then why are you forcing this?” I cry out, tears burning my eyes.
“I’m not forcing anything. Being around you is as natural to me as breathing. It’s the same for you, I know it is. I see it in your eyes. I hear it in the way your breath catches whenever I touch you. You feel this. You’re just scared of your own heart.”
“Maybe because every man I’ve ever fallen for has torn that heart from my chest. Starting with my father fucking off on me and ending with a man who beat me senseless and raped my friend.”
His expression falls, his jaw slack. “Holy shit, Ruby.”
“So excuse me for being cautious. Excuse me for following my head for a change because I can’t trust my fucking heart!”
“I’m sorry.”
He reaches out to take my hand but I slap him away, scowling out the window to keep my tears from falling. “Just take me home.”
I’m still in the driver seat when he reprograms the car to drive us back to the apartment. I feel ridiculous, trapped, so I twist my body away from him and cover my face, simply trying to calm down.
The moment we walk through the front door, he catches me by the wrist and says, “None of it was your fault, Ruby.”
I look at him, my eyes red-rimmed, my teeth sore from grinding them. “I’m the one with the fucked-up judgement.”
“Doesn’t make it your fault.”
He keeps staring at me, keeps holding onto my wrist. He’s making me uncomfortable, like he’s truly seeing into my soul. All I want to do is hide from those dark, all-seeing eyes. I pull my arm, trying to break free.
“Ruby. It wasn’t you.”
My free hand goes to my mouth as my emotions burst out. “I feel responsible.”
With a gentle tug, he pulls me toward him, his strong arms surrounding me and holding me against his chest. At first, I fight him, trying to push him away because everything he’s forcing me to face is the very fire that is keeping me together. But as he holds on, I feel the fight slipping, sliding down my body and pooling at my feet like a weight dragging me down.
“Nothing another person has done can ever be your fault,” he murmurs against the top of my head. “It wasn’t your fault.”
Closing my eyes, I cry. My fingers curl and flex as I soak the fabric of his shirt with self-serving tears that are filled with the pain of regret and anguish from a life I have severely messed up.
We stand like that for a long time. He’s the rock I lean on as the emotion drains from my body, leaving me raw and vulnerable—the exact opposite of what I want to be.
“I need some water,” I whisper, lifting my head from his chest, then feeling the cold rush over me when his arms release my body.
“I’ll get you some.”
With exhaustion setting into the marrow of my bones, I drop onto the couch and rub my hands over my face.
“Here.” Flynn hands me a glass of water and two painkillers, which I take gratefully.
“I should probably explain that,” I say once I’ve swallowed the pills.
“Only if you want to.” He watches me until I finish the water, then takes the glass and sets it on the side table.
“I’ve made a lot of really crappy decisions in my life when it comes to men. The experts call it ‘daddy issues’ stemming from when my father walked out of my life and didn’t look back when I was only twelve. At least, that’s what the book I read on the subject says. It also says that because he left at such an integral point in my development, it messed up my relationships with men, making me seek out the wrong kinds of attention.”
“Do you believe that?”
I shrug. “It makes a lot of sense. I have a tendency to go for unavailable men who treat me like shit.” I glance at him, pressing my lips together in a small smile. “First there was Jack. He was a couple of years above me at school—dark, mysterious, always in trouble. He was the kind of guy who didn’t give a shit about anyone, so when he gave some of his attention to me, I felt pretty fucking special. I would have done anything for him. But in the end, all I got was suspended from school after taking the blame for something he did. Then I got heartbroken when he started dating my best friend, Josie, without even dumping me first.”
“Ouch,” he says.
“Tragic, right? I was fifteen and it felt like the end of the world. But instead of hating him for it, I blamed her and stopped trusting girls. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg of my lifetime of poor judgement. I went from one bad boy to the next bad boy I could find, and the next after that. The calibre of the man got worse each time. I think I was addicted to the danger of it all.” I cross my legs beneath me, settling in to tell the story. “You know, driving around in stolen cars, breaking into places we weren’t supposed to be in, getting drunk and climbing over the edge of a bridge to hang our feet off—stupid stuff like that. It made me feel alive and appeased that anger inside me. I was so angry. At my dad for leaving, at my mum for not caring. I wanted someone to look at me and give a shit whether I lived or died, and since I wasn’t getting that at home, I took it wherever I could get it—in all the wrong places.”
“Sounds like you grew up feeling pretty lonely.”
“There just wasn’t anyone I could count on. Then I met Tony. He was the most dangerous of them all, but he was fiercely loyal. He was a member of that gang, the Brotherhood. Have you heard of them?”
“I have.”
I let out a sigh. “Then you know what a monumental error in judgement going out with a guy like that was. God, he was so good to me in the beginning, and I ate up all the bullshit he fed me like it was candy. I just liked being the centre of someone’s world. It didn’t matter to me that he was bad, that he was cruel, because he wasn’t to me—not in the beginning.”
“You keep saying ‘in the beginning’. This is the guy who put you in the hospital?”
I nod. “He beat the absolute shit out of me when I tried to leave him. Then, when I found out he was part of the gang who raped my friend when she was sixteen, I gave the police whatever information about him I could so they might find him. It was the right thing to do, I know it was. But he showed up at my house and broke me so bad, I ended up in traction. I think he would have killed me if my neighbours hadn’t heard my screams and called the cops.”
“I’m so sorry, Ruby. No one deserves that.”
I shrug. “Maybe not. But if I’d just made better decisions in my life, none of it would have happened.”
“You can’t blame yourself. That won’t do anyone any good.” His hand covers mine and he squeezes reassuringly. For the first time, I don’t shy away from his touch, taking comfort in it instead.
“Maybe not, but it keeps me focused. While I was recovering, I had a lot of time to think and decide what kind of person I wanted to be and what kind of life I wanted. I’ve worked hard to make those changes, Flynn, because I can’t afford to let my guard down again. I can’t afford to take risks like I used to. I have to follow my head, have to stay alert and careful. He’ll get out of prison eventually. And when he does, I’m sure he’s going to come knocking on my door.”
“Ruby.” He look
s down at his hand covering mine, his brow furrowed. I don’t think he knows what else to say.
“That’s why I’m scared, Flynn. I’m so scared. All the fucking time.”
“OK,” he says, his voice a whisper. “I understand.”
“So you’ll back off, then?”
With a gentle squeeze, he lets go of my hand and nods before standing up. “Only enough for you to make this decision with your own mind.”
He turns and walks toward the bathroom, reaching behind his head to pull off his tear-stained shirt before he gets there.
“I won’t choose you with my mind,” I tell his muscular back.
He stops in the doorway, his shirt held by his side. “Then I guess that’s how it will be. But know this, Ruby—I’m nothing like those guys you dated before. In fact, I’m way more than this guy you’re dating now because he fits some kind of profile you’ve created for the perfect guy. When you see that with your eyes, your head and your heart are going to match up and you are going choose me. I just hope you don’t decide when it’s too late for both of us.”
27
THINGS SHIFT BETWEEN us after that. The next morning, instead of there being this fight in the air every time we interact, there’s a strange kind of comfort in its place. Like I cried out all the pretence and all that’s left is our raw insides. I kind of like it this way.
“You working today?” he asks from the kitchen when I exit the bathroom wearing a pair of track pants and an oversized Bonds jumper after a long hot shower.
I needed it. Every single step I take is painful, the muscles in my thighs feeling as though they’re about to burst. Parkour hurts, ladies. It really hurts. Don’t do it. Ever. “I’ll tell you something I’m not doing—going to the gym with you.”
He laughs, then takes a glass from the cupboard and offers me some OJ. When I nod, he brings a glass to the table where I’ve slumped in a chair, rubbing my sore thighs.
“Let me help you out,” he says, lowering to his knees in front of me while I laugh at the ridiculousness of the offer.
“I’m not letting you rub my thighs, Flynn.”
“Think of me as your local sports therapist. I’ve done this for a ton of people at the gym.”
A Beautiful Danger (Beautiful #7) Page 17