“I am infatuated with you. Like the moon is infatuated with the sun.”
“The moon and the sun? I don’t understand that analogy.”
Moving his hands through the water, he brings his board closer to mine. “They are the original star-crossed lovers. The moon is trapped in darkness, pining for the light and beauty that the sun possesses, but it only ever gets to bask in that glow for the briefest moments whenever their paths cross.”
“During an eclipse.”
He nods. “The rest of the time, he’s up there alone, missing the sun.”
“How does the sun feel about the moon?”
Taking a breath, he looks out to the horizon. “She’s afraid of his darkness and prefers to bathe the earth in her light instead.”
“While the moon looks on, powerless to change the outcome,” I finish for him, understanding now why he’s likening the story to us.
He nods.
“That’s horribly sad,” I say, frowning a little as I imagine them both across that great expanse of sky. “But beautiful at the same time.”
Releasing my board, he shrugs. “It’s just something I heard one time. It struck a chord.”
“Do you feel alone like the moon?”
He’s so quiet that I’m not sure he’s going to respond at first. “Only since I met you.”
“Do I make you miserable?”
“No. You make me miss you.”
His words inflate my chest and lodge in my throat as a ball of emotion. I don’t know what to say.
“That’s not my intention.”
“I know that. I’m just afraid that if we let this go I’m going to spend the rest of my life missing you.”
I miss him too. I look for him when he’s not around, and when I actually thought he was gone, I was lonelier than I’d been for a long time. But I struggle to trust him, especially when he seems to have so many secrets and things he’s hiding from me. How can I give up something that’s warm and safe like my relationship with Joel for a man who won’t even tell me what he does for a living?
“I don’t want that for you, Flynn. But I don’t know if I can give you what you want.”
“I know that too, Ruby. This is just how I feel. I understand why you’re choosing Garret. I’d just prefer you didn’t.”
“You still can’t say his name, can you?” He sets his jaw and looks away. “How can I choose you, Flynn, when I don’t know anything about you?”
“You know plenty about me. More than you know about him.”
“I know everything about him that’s important.”
“Like how he makes money?”
“It’s not about money, Flynn. It’s about honesty and safety. When I ask Joel a question, he answers it. I don’t have to guess with him.”
“I answer your questions.”
“Then what do you do for a living? Where does your money come from?”
“Why does it matter?”
“Because it does.”
“Then I feel sorry for you, Ruby. You’re willing to let this all go because I won’t tell you where my money comes from. Do you want to know exactly how much is in my bank account as well? Will seeing that number change things for you?”
I watch his expression harden as he looks to the sky. How dare he insinuate that I’m so shallow.
“Fuck you, Flynn. I have never asked that.”
“But would it make a difference?”
Pressing my lips together, I try to keep my cool. This isn’t how I wanted things to end with us. I wanted to somehow find a way to still be friends. But I can’t do that if he won’t accept the reason for my choices.
“Did you ever think that maybe the sun is in love with the earth because together, they thrive?” I attempt to use his sun and moon metaphor as a way to get my point across.
“So now you’re in love with him?”
Instead of answering, I continue. “And that perhaps the sun can’t be with the moon because his dark will completely suffocate her light? Maybe she doesn’t want to be sucked into whatever dark and fucked-up world he’s hiding from her.”
“My world isn’t fucked-up.”
“Then why do you go to great lengths to hide things from me?”
“Because I want you to love me exactly as I am without knowing the rest. The rest is shit. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is you and me.”
“I’ve been down that road before, Flynn. You know what that kind of blind trust got me. You can’t expect me to choose you when I don’t have all the facts before me.”
“Love isn’t a fact-finding mission, Ruby. It’s a feeling. Plain and simple. And I am nothing like those men you’ve dated before.”
He turns his board and starts paddling to the shore. I follow, rushing to keep up. But when we make it to Flynn’s van, he drops his board in the back, grabs his shirt and his shoes then keeps walking.
“Where are you going?”
“We’re done here, Ruby. Take the van and go home to your boyfriend.”
“So, you’re leaving—for good?”
He doesn’t answer.
“Flynn!”
He breaks into a run.
“Don’t leave me! Please.”
33
WHENEVER I SWIRL the spoon through my coffee, the white froth on top picks up some of the light tan colour below.
“I’ve been looking at getting a bigger place closer to the city to save the commute.”
If I keep stirring, the white will completely disappear and the froth will smooth out, becoming a richer, creamier, coffee-flavoured layer that I can eat without chewing.
“My boss is really impressed with the work I did in Melbourne. He’s going to recommend me for junior partner.”
But if I add sugar slowly, it will float on the top and that foam will have a crunch. I should do that....
“And I was thinking that maybe, instead of getting a new roommate, you could move in with me.”
Seated across from me at a local coffee shop, Joel’s words leave his mouth and hang in the air. I hear them, but I don’t exactly take them in. I’m distracted by the way Flynn left things.
I pushed too hard. I don’t think he’s coming back.
A vague memory surfaces of being drunk and making Flynn promise that he wouldn’t give up on me. But he is giving up.
I pushed too hard.
Watching my spoon stirring my coffee is the only thing stopping me from bursting into tears, agonising over the fact that he’s probably packing his bags right this minute.
I don’t want him to go. I need more time.
“Ruby?”
And seriously, what does it matter what he does for a living? As long as it’s nothing illegal, it shouldn’t matter to me at all.
But what if it is illegal?
No. He told me he’s on the up and up once before.
But what if he’s lying? People who do illegal things lie all the time....
Frowning, I shake my head. Even my thoughts are jumbled up. Where are the angel and devil on my shoulders when I need them to argue over what I should do?
“Ruby?”
But what should I do? I have to choose. One way or the other, I need to decide. A few days ago, I was so sure that pursuing a relationship with Joel was the right thing. But now, after watching Flynn walk away? After hearing him tell me we’re done? Now there’s a lump in my throat that’s making it hard to breathe.
I have to choose.
Joel’s face comes into focus, my thoughts breaking for long enough that a wall of sound from the traffic and people around us hits me all at once, slamming me back into my reality. “Did you say something?”
He laughs, looking a little hurt as he struggles to make eye contact. “I asked you to move in with me.”
I lift my hand and press against my chest. He wants me to move in? “I....”
I don’t know what to say. My phone goes off. A call from Brad. Reaching over, I switch it to silent. It’s probably work-rel
ated. I can’t focus on work right now.
“I, um.... You want to live together?”
“Yes.”
My phone lights up again, buzzing against the table, distracting me even further. I flip it so it’s screen down and it’s sitting on my napkin. “Wow. Do you... um... do you think that’s too soon?”
“Maybe. But what would you prefer: getting a new roommate and living with a total stranger, or living with someone you already know?”
“Living with someone I already know,” I reply, my eyes shifting to my phone as it vibrates again. I tuck it into my bag.
“Then let’s do it. I really, really like you Ruby. And this way we’ll actually get to see each other around our work schedules.”
This is it; my moment at the standing stones. I have to decide whether I take a risk on something that frightens me or if I stay where I’m comfortable—right here, having coffee on Saturday mornings, eating at fancy restaurants, living my life to a schedule. It’s called being grown-up, settling down. I can have that with Joel. Things would be easy with him.
Then there’s Flynn. Who jumps between buildings and swims with sharks for fun. Who will change plans at a moment’s notice to do something crazy, something beautiful, something as simple as binge-watching Netflix. Who is so sure of his feelings that he’s spent the last two weeks trying to convince me that we belong together—and he even got my friends on board.
Are they all right?
“I don’t know,” I say out loud, both in response to Joel’s proposal and to my thoughts.
Why can’t my mind and my heart agree?
Because you’re scared.
Joel runs a hand through his hair, messing it up. “OK. We can wait.”
You know more about Flynn than you do about Joel.
“Maybe we should get to know each other better first?” My eyes dart between his.
“What is there to know?” He frowns.
I search my memory for everything I know about him. I know the basics, what kind of a man he is. But I haven’t met his family. I don’t know his friends. Flynn is right; I do know more about him than I know about Joel. And maybe Coral is right too. Maybe I have been putting Joel on a pedestal.
“Do you have any siblings, Joel?”
“You want to know about my family?” His lips press together and his eyes shift to the side. He wipes his mouth with his napkin and sets it on the table. “OK. We can do this now. I’ll rip the Band-Aid off. I’m estranged from my parents. I haven’t spoken to them since I left home at seventeen. And I had a brother, but he took a bunch of pills when we were still in high school and didn’t make it.”
“Oh God. I’m so sorry,” I gasp, feeling horrible for the way I broached the subject. I asked him like I was attacking him. “I didn’t realise....”
“I kind of thought you and I had an unspoken understanding that talking about family was off limits. It’s why I never asked about yours—I sensed some pain there.”
My eyes burn. “I’m so awful. I’m a horrible person.”
Reaching across the table, he takes my hand and furrows his brow a little, his thumb stroking my fingers. “Listen, I get what this is about. Don’t back out of what you were about to do,” he says, his voice cracking a little.
“I don’t know what you mean.” I shake my head.
“The reason you weren’t in bed this morning. It was because you were with Flynn, right?”
I nod, feeling guilty. “I didn’t realise you’d woken up.”
He presses his lips into a straight line. “Even if I hadn’t, when you got back into bed, you smelled of the sea. What were you doing?”
“We were surfing. Nothing happened, Joel. Then or ever. You have to understand that. Nothing has ever happened. I wouldn’t do that to you.” I have to pause to swallow. “He’s the moon and I’m the sun; because of that he can’t be my friend. I guess we were out there saying goodbye.” The last word leaves my mouth whispered, my emotion cutting off the sound as a single tear falls from my eye. “I thought I knew what I wanted. But I don’t want that. Now I don’t know what I want at all.”
“The moon and the sun?”
I wave my hand. “It’s a metaphor. It’s nothing.”
He takes a moment, studying me. “No. It isn’t nothing, not at all. And I think you know exactly what you want. When I saw you and Flynn together yesterday, this pit of dread formed in my stomach. You both seemed to... fit. Does that make sense?” I don’t move. But I get it; it’s what everyone keeps talking about. “But then you and I, last night... well... you know what we did. I thought we were OK and that maybe that dread would go away. But then I woke up. You were gone. And he was gone. And the dread was back. Now I know it isn’t going away.”
“You felt that way and you still asked me to move in?”
He shrugs. “I was hoping I was wrong about you and Flynn.”
“I’m so sorry, Joel. I never intended to fall for him. I really wanted it to be you.”
Biting his lip, he looks away, releasing a humourless laugh. “I wanted that too, Ruby. I think we ultimately want the same things. And we could have been happy together. But we don’t have what you and Flynn do. That’s pretty obvious to anyone who sees you two together—even the people who don’t want to see it.”
“I’m sorry.” There’s nothing else I can say. Nothing that makes this any easier.
“I know. It’s OK.” He starts gathering his things—phone, keys, wallet—and putting them back in his pockets. “Just so you know, I’m going to be telling everyone I broke up with you. I save face that way.” He winks at me and I can’t help but smile.
“OK. You can tell people whatever you want. I won’t disagree.”
Sitting back, he folds his arms across his chest. “I’ll certainly miss watching you eat enough to feed two grown men.”
Wiping at my eyes, I laugh. “I think I’ll miss everything about you, Joel.”
“Breakups really suck.” He hands me his napkin so I can wipe my eyes.
“They do.”
Standing, he leans down and kisses me on the cheek. “I hope he loves you the way you want to be loved, Ruby.”
I nod. Then he leaves.
I watch him walk away from me, exiting my life. I watch him until he disappears around the corner. He doesn’t turn around once. And I’m OK with that. I hate that I’ve hurt him, but it doesn’t ache in my chest when I see him go. It feels nothing like the pain I felt when Flynn walked away from me at the beach this morning.
That’s because you’re in love with him.
When the voice speaks this time, it’s clear to me who it is. It’s not the little devil on her own, and it’s not the angel either. This time, it’s both of them speaking together. Finally, my head and my heart agree—Flynn is the one.
I just hope it isn’t too late.
34
WALKING BACK TO my apartment, my feet aren’t carrying me fast enough so I break into a run. I don’t have a moment to waste. People look toward me in concern as I fly past them in a streak of red hair and urgency.
Pushing with my thighs, I race up the hill, the building coming into view. In the distance, a figure approaches from the opposite end of the street. He’s tall. He’s beautiful. And he’s still wearing a wetsuit.
“Flynn!” I shout, picking up the pace. I sprint at him, my arms moving as fast as my legs. Then I jump with blind trust, my body vaulting through the air, aimed at his chest. Without hesitation, he catches me in his arms, my legs wrapping around his waist. “Don’t leave,” I beg, pressing my forehead against his, my hands touching the rough stubble on his face. “Don’t leave.”
Then I kiss him. I kiss him with everything I have in me. I kiss him with my heart, and I kiss him with my mind. And everything about the way our mouths fit together feels right. We belong.
“Don’t leave,” I whisper, pressing myself against his firm body. “I want you, Flynn. I want you as you are and I don’t care about the rest. None of
that shit matters.”
“Does this mean you broke up with Jasper?”
I laugh. He still can’t say his name. “Yeah. We broke up. I kind of realised I was in love with someone else.”
He smirks. “So, I was right all along. You’re totally into me.”
Pressing my lips to his, I let my tongue answer for me, only stopping when we both need air.
“OK. I need to get you upstairs immediately.”
“Is something wrong?”
“Not if you don’t mind getting arrested for indecent exposure.”
“So I was right all along too. You do want to fuck me.”
Those dimples appear along with his panty-melting grin. “And I’ve got months’ worth of waiting to make up for.”
***
Flynn doesn’t waste any time getting me upstairs and into his room. I’ve never been in here before, but it smells of him—his soap and his skin. It’s intoxicating, and as he lays me on his large leather-framed bed, I feel like I’m on a cloud.
“This is one of those moments where I’m questioning if this is a dream or a reality,” he murmurs, holding himself above me. “I’ve wanted you like this so many times.”
Sliding my hand down the cotton of his T-shirt, I pull at the wetsuit that’s pushed down to his waist. “If it were a dream, I’m sure you wouldn’t be wearing this.”
He laughs. “You’re right. Neither of us would be wearing anything at all.”
“And what do you do to me in these dreams of yours?”
His mouth curls up on one side, a wolfish smile. “Everything.”
“Show me.”
Grabbing my waist, he slides his hands under my jumper, skin connecting with skin until he reaches my ribcage, then pulls me toward him. I wrap my legs around his waist, straddling him as he pushes my jumper up until it’s bunched under my chin. I help to pull it over my head, dropping it on the floor.
His head lowers, his mouth finding the swell of my breast, kissing my already-heated flesh. I slide my fingers into his hair, holding him, rocking against him, feeling his arousal pushing between my legs.
His fingers find my bra clasp, and I let out a whimper when it loosens and his mouth clamps over my right nipple, his tongue teasing it into a hard point. I want more. There isn’t a hint of hesitation in my heart and my body craves each and every touch, each and every kiss.
A Beautiful Danger (Beautiful #7) Page 21