That’s why I can’t shake this bad feeling that the dinner the three of them had together, while not illicit in any way, was symptomatic of something more. Of Bailey’s desire for them to be a family together again.
I can never be part of that.
“I shouldn’t have said that,” Bailey murmurs. “I had really a stressful day. I’m sorry.”
“You meant it though.”
“I didn’t. I just…”
Buzz, buzz.
Who the hell keeps texting her over and over with no response? The sound is like nails on a chalkboard. I grit my teeth and snatch her phone up in my hand, just to get the damn thing to stop. I don’t mean to look at it, but when I glance down, I see a string of messages filling the screen. All from Theo Duncan.
And I can’t even believe what I’m reading.
Chapter 37: Bailey
Today was one of those days.
The morning started out with a visit to the home of a sixteen-year-old boy with Down’s Syndrome and his mother, and I found the kid had bruises all over his face—and, it was later discovered, all over his body. I had to call Child Protective Services, even as the mother was begging me not to. I’ve been helping this family get services for a year, and I honestly didn’t believe the mother would do something like that, but… well, someone beat up that kid. It later came out that the mother had a new boyfriend.
I cried quietly in the bathroom for about ten minutes after I left them. This isn’t the first case I’ve seen where a stepfather beat up a kid. Or sexually abused a kid. Or, in one case, drowned the kid. Subconsciously, that’s probably why I’ve been so scared to date since my divorce—I was worried about Lily.
And now I’m about to get her just about the best stepfather in the world, and look what I said to him.
I don’t know why I said it. Noah is a great guy and he loves Lily. I know he does. But at the same time, he’s not her dad. And it’s frustrating when he tries to force parenting decisions on me. Okay, he’s right more than I’d like to admit. But still. They’re my mistakes to make.
If Theo weren’t in the picture, it would be different. Then Noah could adopt Lily and really take on the role. But Lily has a dad. She’s already got two parents looking out for her, and it’s hard to have a third person coming in and giving yet another opinion. It further complicates an already complicated situation.
But at the same time, I shouldn’t throw it in his face like that.
He’s mad. I can tell he’s mad. And then my goddamn phone keeps buzzing for some reason, while we’re trying to sort through this. So when he grabs it, I don’t think anything of it. I mean, who could possibly be texting me? It’s not like I’m exchanging sexts with anyone.
But then Noah’s blue eyes fly open.
“What the fuck is this?” he says under his breath. And he never swears in front of Lily.
“What?”
I crane my neck to see what’s on the screen. It’s texts from Theo. A whole bunch of them.
“‘Could we go get coffee again?’” he reads off the screen. “‘I need to talk to you. And maybe this time we could actually get some coffee.’ Winky face.” He looks up at me. “’Ha ha. LOL.’ Winky face with tongue sticking out.”
Oh no.
“Bailey,” he says in a low voice. “What is going on?”
Before we get into it, I turn to my daughter. “Lily, can you please go to your room?”
“But, Mommy, I’m cleaning!”
And sure enough, she is. While Noah and I were arguing, she somehow started tidying up the mess she’d made. Leave it to Lily to do the right thing at the exact wrong moment.
“Let’s go into the bedroom,” Noah mutters.
We manage to hold off from saying another word till we get into the bedroom. Noah shuts the door behind us. And locks it.
“Are you fucking him?” is the first thing he says to me.
“What?” I squeeze my fists together. “Are you kidding me? I’m not… I mean, how could you think that?”
“Coffee breaks where you don’t get coffee?” A vein stands out in his neck. “Isn’t that a euphemism? Plus you’re not denying any of it. So what am I supposed to think?”
My cheeks feel hot. I probably look like an apple, which certainly isn’t helping my case. “We met for coffee. Once. For, like, ten minutes. He told me he needed to talk to me.”
“And you met him.”
“Yes.”
“And once again you didn’t tell me about it.”
“I just thought…” Tears spring to my eyes—I’m not sure if crying will make him more or less sympathetic. “I didn’t want to upset you.”
“Oh, well, that’s nice of you.”
“Please believe me,” I say. “It was just a ten-minute meeting. That’s it. I swear to you. Theo and I do have a child together. We are going to have to discuss things from time to time regarding our kid.”
He studies my face. I’m not sure if he believes me or not. “So that’s what he wanted to talk to you about? Lily?”
I wish he hadn’t asked me that. Because now I can either lie or tell him something he doesn’t want to hear. But before I can say anything, he figures it all out:
He snorts. “He wanted you to get back together with him, didn’t he?”
“Well…” I heave a sigh. “Yes. He did.”
“And what did you say?”
“I said no!” I shake my head at him. “God, what do you think? Of course I said no!”
“So you didn’t even consider it?”
“No!”
He narrows his eyes at me. “You hesitated.”
“I did not hesitate!”
“Well, why not?” He lifts his eyebrows. “He’s your daughter’s father, after all. He would be allowed to tell her to clean up her own goddamn mess without overstepping his bounds.”
“Noah, please don’t…”
“Please don’t what?” His blue eyes flash. “I’m trying my best, Bailey. I’m trying to be a good fiancé to you. I’m trying to be a dad to a kid who everyone constantly points out isn’t mine to parent. Maybe Theo’s right. Maybe I should quit trying to be part of a family that isn’t mine.”
The tears I’ve been holding back overflow. I knew there was some resentment smoldering under the surface since Lily’s recital, but what he’s saying is crazy. He has to realize that. I love him. I could never love Theo the way I love him. How does he not see that?
“Theo is not my family anymore,” I say as I swipe away the tears on my cheeks. “I don’t want him. He might be Lily’s father, but that’s all he is to me.”
“Well,” Noah says, “maybe that’s enough.”
“Noah…”
He shuts his eyes and shakes his head. “I’m going out, Bailey. I… I need to think. And you do too.”
“No, I don’t!”
“I think you do.” When he opens his eyes, the hurt I see in them makes my chest ache. I vowed I’d never do that to him again. “You already broke my heart once before. Do me a favor, Bailey. Don’t fuck around with me, okay?”
“Noah…”
But he’s already walking away. He brushes past me, out of the bedroom, then out the front door. I hear it slam shut behind him.
Chapter 38: Noah
Well, now what the hell am I supposed to do?
My head is spinning as I leave my building, not entirely sure of my destination. Do I believe Bailey is cheating on me with Theo? No, I don’t really believe that. For a second, it seemed like a possibility though. I see how all the nurses look at him—he’s more desirable than he used to be—but she wouldn’t do that. She’s not a cheater.
But there’s a more important question. Does she wish she were back with him?
I believe the answer might be yes.
Theo’s hot—he’s more her type than I am. He’s got steady work now, thanks to yours truly. He’s been stepping it up in terms of Lily, which is what she’s always wanted. He’s getting older and
he’s settling down, the way she always wanted. And he’s Lily’s father.
She clearly likes him—or at least, she used to. He’s the one she married, after she returned my ring. And she still thinks he’s attractive. I remember what Lily told me when we were getting pizza together and talking about her father’s newly shorn skull:
Mommy likes it. She said to him it looks good. And then her face got really red.
I tried to put it out of my head. Laugh it off. So what if Bailey thinks Theo is attractive? I’ve got a lot going for me that he doesn’t have. She loves me.
But now I’m not so sure anymore. After all, she went for coffee alone with him. And as much as I would love to believe that was entirely innocent, I’m not sure it was. If it were, wouldn’t she have told me about it? No, Bailey has feelings for Theo. If I weren’t in the picture, I bet my life she’d get back together with him.
I don’t want her to stay with me out of guilt or obligation. Worse, I feel like I’m breaking up a family.
Shit.
I stand on the corner of my block, not sure where to go. I’ve never been in a situation where I couldn’t go home. I’ve been through relationship problems and breakups before, but I’ve never lived with a woman before. My place was always mine.
I could get a hotel. Or I could crash at the hospital.
My mom lives in Queens, but that’s not a possibility anymore. She lives with Bailey’s dad, after all.
The hospital is very tempting. And I could grab some spare scrubs there since I failed to bring a change of clothing when I stormed out. But I don’t have my wheelchair. If there was one thing I should have grabbed when I left, it was that. But it’s hard to make a dramatic exit when you’re dragging a wheelchair behind you.
Oh well.
I sink down onto the steps of a building, trying to figure out my next move. Maybe I’ll go back after everyone is asleep and either sleep on the couch or at least grab my shit. In the meantime, I’ll go to Starbucks or something.
While I’m struggling to get back on my feet, which isn’t the easiest thing to do from steps without a railing, my phone buzzes in my pocket. At least I managed to take my phone with me. I would have had to swallow my pride and go back upstairs if I hadn’t.
The name flashing on the screen is “Mom.” My mother is calling. I don’t feel like talking to her now, but at the same time, there’s something reassuring about her voice. I debate for a moment, then finally pick it up.
“Noah?”
“Hey, Mom.”
Her voice immediately fills with concern. “Is everything okay?”
I can’t bring myself to tell her about Bailey. It’s all too fresh. “Yeah. Fine. What’s going on?”
“Well…” There’s a long pause on the other line. “Your father called me again. He said you won’t speak to him.”
I groan. Is this why she’s calling me? To harass me to talk to my deadbeat, loser father? Forget it, Mom. “I don’t want to talk about this now.”
“When then? Noah, he just had a heart attack. He’s not going to be around forever.”
“Well, so what?” I growl. I’m surprised by the anger in my own voice. If she had called me an hour ago, I might have been nicer, but I don’t have it in me now. “So he had a heart attack. So what? I almost died when I was twenty-two, but did he care? Did he bother to come see me? Of course not.” I remember the dream I had just before I woke up from my surgery, of him at my bedside, holding my hand. Even after everything he had done, I had still wanted him there. But he didn’t show. I’ll never forgive him for that. “He was never there for me. So why should I care about him?”
There’s such a long silence on the other line, for a moment, I’m worried my own mother has hung up on me. But then she finally speaks: “That’s not… exactly true.”
“What do you mean? He wasn’t there. How could it be ‘not exactly true’?”
“The thing is…” She lets out a long sigh. “Your father… he’s wanted to come back into your life since you were fourteen.”
“What?”
What is she saying? This is not what I need right now. Major revelations about my father are not welcome at the moment.
“He called me up,” she murmurs. “He said he wanted to get back together and I said… well, absolutely not. But he wanted to at least see you. And I told him no.”
I rub my temple with my fingers. “But… why?”
“Because he was a horrible father!” Her voice cracks on the words. “He disappointed you time and again. He put you in danger by not showing up when you needed him. He was always drinking… and he wasn’t nice when he was drinking.” Her voice softens. “It took you a long time to get over him leaving, and you were just about to start high school when he came back. I didn’t want him to mess up your life. So I told him unless he could be committed to being the father he needed to be, he wasn’t allowed to see you.”
“So…” I rake a hand through my hair, trying to process all this. “What did he say?”
“He thought about it and decided I was right. He agreed not to see you.”
I stare at my artificial knees, unable to believe what I’m hearing. How could my mother tell my own father he wasn’t allowed to see me? And not even give me the option?
“But he and I talked every couple of months,” she goes on. “We’d talk about you for an hour or longer. He wanted to hear everything about how you were doing. But he was still drinking a lot and couldn’t hold down a job and… well, I told him until he got his act together, he needed to stay away. And he did. Until…”
A lump rises in my throat. I know what she’s going to say, and I’m not sure I want to hear it.
“When you had your accident,” she says, “I thought… well, the doctors told me you might die. I called him so he could see you one last time before… God, I can’t even think about it. He came right away—drove for four hours straight. The two of us sat by your bed the whole night.”
That dream. My father by my bed, holding my hand. It was real. He’d really been there. He came for me.
“But then you woke up,” she continues, “and I told him… he needed to leave. Before you knew he was there.”
I feel like I’m choking. For a moment, it’s hard to get in a breath of air. “Why would you do that?” I manage.
Her voice is choked too. “The first thing Michael told me when he showed up at the hospital was that he was living in his car. His clothes stunk of beer. You were going through so much right then. I couldn’t allow him to—”
“It wasn’t your decision!” I burst out. “Christ, Mom… I was an adult. If I wanted to see my father, I should have been allowed to! At least I could have known he showed up for me, instead of thinking…”
All these years. All these years spent hating my father for how he abandoned us without a second thought. All these years thinking he didn’t care that I almost died.
“I stand by what I did, Noah. After all, look how well you’re doing now.”
Not so well. She might not say that if she knew what was going on between me and Bailey.
“I will never forgive you for this,” I say through my teeth.
“Noah…” Her voice cracks again. “I only did what I thought was best for you. You must understand that.”
Why would I understand? It’s not like I have any kids of my own I can use as a frame of reference. All I’ve got is one almost-stepchild whose mother makes it very clear she is not my daughter.
“Tell me where I can find him,” I say. “Where’s my father?”
Chapter 39: Bailey
I can’t stop shaking after Noah leaves.
For a good five minutes, I sit on our bed, unable to even move. I can’t believe he walked out that way. I can’t believe after everything I’ve told him, he would really think I’d ever get back together with Theo. And I can’t believe Theo would send me flirty texts when I’ve told him there’s no chance of getting back together.
Well,
actually, I can believe that last one.
But Lily is out there, so my days of hiding under the covers with a bucket of ice cream are over. That’s one of the hardest things about being a parent—even when you are feeling like total shit, you still have to be responsible. You can call in sick for work, but you can’t call in sick for motherhood.
When I come out, Lily is still busy cleaning. The tears that sprung up when we first suggested doing this have vanished, and she’s actually done quite a good job. Noah was right—she’s capable of cleaning up her own mess. How does he understand my daughter better than I do?
“Where did Noah go?” Lily asks, as she deposits a handful of glitter in the garbage. The glitter is going to be the biggest problem here. Glitter is the worst thing in the world to get rid of. When you’re single, you worry about herpes, but when you’re older with kids, you worry about glitter.
I’m not sure what to say. I should have had an answer ready. “He… had to go somewhere…”
She frowns. “Is he angry at me?”
“No, not at all.”
“But I’m cleaning!” Lily holds up her glitter-stained hands. “Tell him I’m cleaning, and that he should come back.”
“It doesn’t have to do with that, honey…”
“I cleaned almost everything…” Her little upturned nose starts to turn pink. She has my nose—it’s one of the few physical characteristics she’s inherited from me. “Tell him I did what he wanted. I cleaned up.”
“I promise you,” I say. “He didn’t leave because of that. It was… something to do with work.”
“But he banged the door when he left.”
“Well, that’s just because he was in a hurry.”
Lily still looks skeptical. She’s not a dumb kid, that’s for sure. And I’m not sure how I’m going to explain it to her if Noah doesn’t come back tonight.
I hope he comes back. I hope he goes for a walk or a drive and cools off, then comes home. We never, ever fight, so I don’t know the protocol. This Theo business is stirring up all this drama.
As if on cue, my phone starts to ring and Theo’s name pops up on the screen. As if it wasn’t enough of a hint that I didn’t answer any of his texts. For a moment, I consider answering it and telling him to leave me the hell alone, but I don’t want to deal with him pressuring me to meet with him. So I let the phone go to voicemail.
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