by Osamah Sami
We were all chuffed, our little drama troupe from Fawkner-by-way-of-humanitarian-visa. Of course, we started to set our sights on bigger theatres, brighter lights.
San Francisco, USA, 6 August 2005
Osamah vs Hernandez
It’s possible that the world was not quite ready for us.
The plan was to dispatch me to the Middle East to meet with the local theatre companies. Kuwait, the United Arab Emirates, Bahrain and Oman: Saddam’s tyranny had reached all these lands over the decades, so we figured each would have a hungry, built-in audience. Best of all, we’d be playing to the masses, giving them some much-needed release from real historical atrocities. Nothing really lets you know that the past is over like watching Saddam Hussein dancing to a Bee Gees song.
But we got stalled on Kuwait. I spent three months there, cajoling Kuwaitis to accept our company. The Ministry of Information’s censorship board kept us waiting for six months, before rejecting the play on undisclosed grounds.
No matter. The world was bigger than the Middle East—and the Middle East was all over the world. We were living proof of that. Detroit had a large Iraqi expat population, and through discussion with a number of local artists there, we managed to book a season at a large community centre. It wasn’t Broadway, but it was closer than Shepparton, at least.
Soon enough, eight of us were touching down in San Francisco, with full hearts and crushed costumes crammed into our luggage. America: the land of the free.
◆ ◆ ◆
When Hernandez the Homeland Security officer led me into the interrogation room, he assured me this was all standard procedure.
Twelve hours in a drab room flooded by fluorescent light is a long standard procedure, if you ask me.
I was exhausted, jetlagged and starving—one pack of noodles this whole time.
Hernandez the Homeland Security Officer got to leave the room; I didn’t. Now, he wandered back in and sat opposite me.
HERNANDEZ
One more time. What is the purpose of your visit to the United States?
OSAMAH
(boldly)
I’m here to do a musical.
HERNANDEZ
You, OSAMAH, are doing a musical, about Saddam.
Is that what I’m hearing?
OSAMAH
How many times do I have to tell you?
HERNANDEZ
(nonchalant)
So tell me again. I like your accent.
OSAMAH
Christ, mate.
HERNANDEZ
Don’t blaspheme.
OSAMAH
Muslims believe in Jesus too.
HERNANDEZ
You’re not doing yourself or your friends out there any favours by being a smartass.
OSAMAH
Do you want me to say Muhammad instead of Jesus? Okay. Muhammad, Muhammad! Doesn’t have the same ring to it. We have a show to do.
HERNANDEZ
So you say.
OSAMAH
So I know.
HERNANDEZ
And you rehearsed this play at a mosque.
OSAMAH
How many times do I have to repeat it? Yes. Yes. Yes.
HERNANDEZ
At a mosque? You want me to believe you were rehearsing a musical at a mosque? And the author of this play is what—a shake?
OSAMAH
He’s a sheikh, not a banana smoothie. What is your problem, mate?
HERNANDEZ
I want to make sure you’re here for the reasons you’re saying you are.
OSAMAH
I told you, me, Mohammad, Mustafa, Ali, Hassan, Hussain, Jaber and Mahmoud are here to do a musical.
(OSAMAH and HERNANDEZ look at each other across the table. They are both thinking the exact same thing about what all those strange names sound like.)
OSAMAH
Goddammit, man. I mean, Muhammad-dammit, man. We’re here to do a funny show. Want a ticket? You’d love it.
HERNANDEZ
We tend not to laugh at terrorism here.
OSAMAH
Oh, lighten up. The play is anti-terrorism.
HERNANDEZ
We’ll see about that. The play is being translated as we speak. We will decipher this.
OSAMAH
Decipher this? Like it’s in code?
(HERNANDEZ looks at him: you tell me.)
OSAMAH
We’re all about peace, you know. There are over one billion of us in the world.
HERNANDEZ
More than three times the population of the States.
OSAMAH
What does that have to do with anything?
(pause)
Oh, I know what you’re doing! Trying to get me to incriminate myself.
HERNANDEZ
(reasonably)
But you could take us down. It’s simple math. Right?
OSAMAH
Wait, what? I mean, yes, we outnumber you but—hey! Don’t type that! What did you type there?
(OSAMAH leans across the table to scrutinise the computer. HERNANDEZ swivels the screen away.)
OSAMAH
Just because my name’s OSAMAH doesn’t make me a terrorist. It might make me a dick, a prick, a fish stick, but not a terrorist. OSAMAH’s actually a popular name. It means lion. There’s a fun fact for ya: OSAMAH equals lion.
HERNANDEZ
We are writing everything down, OSAMAH. You better pick your words wisely.
OSAMAH
You better pick your words wisely. I’m an Australian citizen.
HERNANDEZ
The London Bombers were British, weren’t they?
(OSAMAH throws up his hands. What can he say?)
HERNANDEZ
(grinning amicably)
Silence is a sign of defeat.
OSAMAH
Yeah, good on ya. We’re gonna miss our connecting flight to Detroit —
HERNANDEZ
Believe me, that’s the last of your worries.
(There’s a large map of the United States on the wall. OSAMAH glances at it idly.)
HERNANDEZ
Why are you looking at the map?
OSAMAH
I felt like it. You’ve never done something you felt like? Ever itch your balls under your desk at work? I. Felt. Like. It.
HERNANDEZ
You have a lot of anger, OSAMAH. How would you feel if we bombed your country?
OSAMAH
You planning to bomb Australia?
HERNANDEZ
Don’t be a wise-ass. I meant Iran.<
br />
OSAMAH
Australia’s my country, and unless you’re planning to attack it I have nothing to say to you.
HERNANDEZ
I meant I-ran. What is your connection to I-ran, OSAMAH?
OSAMAH
I used to milk goats there. That’s my connection.
(seeing Hernandez is typing this)
Don’t type the goats bit, can’t you tell my tone?
(a deep, frustrated breath)
I was born there.
HERNANDEZ
(dead serious)
So you didn’t milk goats?
(OSAMAH just stares.)
HERNANDEZ
What is your connection to I-rak?
OSAMAH
My parents were born there. Why are you asking questions you already know the answers to? Modern-day technology not reached you yet?
HERNANDEZ
You seem to know a lot about modern-day technology. A lot for an actor, no?
OSAMAH
(insulted on behalf of his fellow actors)
I can build a computer from the ground up.
HERNANDEZ
Yeah?
OSAMAH
That’s hard for you to believe too? Muslims can ‘do’ things.
HERNANDEZ
Oh, I know what Muslims can do. Do you know how to hack into a computer, OSAMAH?
OSAMAH
What a dumb question, no offence. If I was a hacker you think I’d just get on my knees and tell you?
(realising)
That might have come out wrong.
(HERNANDEZ raises his eyebrows, leaves the room. Time passes. He comes back with a folder.)
HERNANDEZ
We’ve made some calls back to Australia. Your police aren’t too happy with you.
OSAMAH
I got some unpaid fines.
HERNANDEZ
Some?
OSAMAH
Okay, ten, fifteen thousand dollars’ worth.
HERNANDEZ
You’re a real lawbreaker, aren’t you?
OSAMAH
I was a dick as a driver. Always driving without my P-plates displayed, driving unregistered cars, couldn’t afford it. So the fines kept piling up. That doesn’t make me a terrorist.
HERNANDEZ
But you’re angry with the system.
OSAMAH
I’m angry with myself.
HERNANDEZ
If I were someone like you, OSAMAH, I’d be angry with myself too. You have a history of lying.
OSAMAH
When you’re young, you can’t think. We’ve all told lies, haven’t we?
HERNANDEZ
Not about a whole college degree.
OSAMAH
There was a lot of community pressure.
HERNANDEZ
You even said it yourself, ‘OSAMAH’ means lyin’.
OSAMAH
(pause)
Lion. Not lying...Why would anyone’s name mean ‘lying’?
HERNANDEZ
OSAMAH. OSAMAH. OSAMAH. Don’t suppose you know where the other OSAMA is?
(HERNANDEZ laughs at his own joke.)
OSAMAH
I thought you didn’t find terrorism funny.
(Enter stage left a tall, white man. He is the HUMAN LIE DETECTOR.)
HERNANDEZ
Well, now you’re in trouble.
HUMAN LIE DETECTOR
Are you comfortable there, sir?
OSAMAH
Five-star luxury.
HUMAN LIE DETECTOR
You guys seem far too organised to be a theatre company.
(OSAMAH is again insulted on behalf of all artists.)
HUMAN LIE DETECTOR
The game is over, OSAMAH. Who are the whores?
OSAMAH
I’m sorry, who are the whats?
HUMAN LIE DETECTOR
Name the whores. We translated the script.
There’s mention of whores —
(OSAMAH bursts out laughing. There is a scene in the musical in which Saddam’s whores come to console their president; all these roles are played by men, comically dressed as harlots.)
OSAMAH
Yeah man, I’ll name the whores: Mustafa, Mohammed and Mahmoud. You won’t find tramps like those three.
C’mon, mate, what do you want from us? We’re low on resources. People have to play multiple roles.
HUMAN LIE DETECTOR
Your mosque’s resources seem to be pretty darn good.
OSAMAH
We rehearsed at the mosque because we didn’t have resources — we couldn’t afford anywhere else. Plus Dad okayed it.
HUMAN LIE DETECTOR
The sheikh. Of course he okayed it.
(His tone changes to a game attempt at sympathy.)
You had nothing to do with it. We’re not blaming you. We just want to know who planned it. You say your father was the one who wrote this?
OSAMAH
Yes.
HUMAN LIE DETECTOR
So he’s the architect behind this. Tell me what the whores stand for. Are they some kind of code?
OSAMAH
You’re like a cartoon character, fair dinkum.
HERNANDEZ
That’s just Aussie lingo, sir.
(The HUMAN LIE DETECTOR stares daggers at HERNANDEZ.)
HUMAN LIE DETECTOR
And you’ll be in the country a handful of days.
That’s kind of a quick trip, wouldn’t you say?
OSAMAH
We are here to do three shows, and then we go back. If it’s a success, we might come back later. Hey, I just realised — that means the three of us might get to hang out again!
HUMAN LIE DETECTOR
Very efficient responses, OSAMAH. Can you name five New York landmarks?
OSAMAH
Anyone can.
(HERNANDEZ and the HUMAN LIE DETECTOR are at the edge of their seats.)
OSAMAH
Times Square. Statue of Liberty. Central Park. The Towers.
HUMAN LIE DETECTOR
Ground Zero, OSAMAH.
OSAMAH
Ground Zero...David Letterman.
HUMAN LIE DETECTOR
That was rather fast.
OSAMAH
Shall
I do it slurred?
HUMAN LIE DETECTOR
I’ll be sure to pass on your regards to Mr Letterman. He’ll be thrilled to have a Muslim fan.
(The HUMAN LIE DETECTOR takes a long, meaningful pause. HERNANDEZ pants with anticipation.)
HUMAN LIE DETECTOR
You know, the thing is you claimed even if you were a terrorist, you wouldn’t admit to it, so we’re in a bit of a knot here.
OSAMAH
I said if I was a hacker I wouldn’t admit it and it came out wrong. Please. I stink. I haven’t had food, I’ve been here for fourteen hours.
HUMAN LIE DETECTOR
Name the bombers, OSAMAH.
OSAMAH
What bombers? What are you trying to pin on me?
HUMAN LIE DETECTOR
(holds up OSAMAH’s mobile phone)
Is this your phone?
OSAMAH
Shit. What have you planted on my phone?
HUMAN LIE DETECTOR
Nothing planted. Just your own messages:
‘Let’s watch them get killed from front-row seats.’
‘I want our boys to destroy them.’
‘They will eat our dust.’
Are these not yours?
(OSAMAH looks at the messages of ‘terror’ and they are his messages. Then, it all registers. He begins to laugh uncontrollably.)
OSAMAH
Yes! I am a proud Bomber! And yes, those are my messages!
(The HUMAN LIE DETECTOR and HERNANDEZ look at OSAMAH, surprised but victorious.)
OSAMAH
I’ll name the Bombers: Kevin Sheedy, he’s the top dig, James Hird and Matthew Lloyd, they’re definitely hardcore Bombers.
HUMAN LIE DETECTOR
(after a long pause)
Wow. One’s gotta admire your tenacity. You sell out to a thousand zealots. Rehearse every answer. Hide your sicko messages behind a football team and come to this country prepared.
OSAMAH
What do you mean?