I look away, not really sure what he means by his comment.
“I’d like to be that guy in his life.” His finger gently turns my face toward his where I look into dreamy, soft brown eyes. “Actually I’d like to be that guy in your life.”
His lips meet mine before I can fully comprehend what his has said. As my mind and heart mesh his words and actions, I’m glad I’m sitting. His kiss is soft, his hand warm on the back of my neck.
And I’m lost.
Lost to him. Again.
As I let go of all my internal struggles, I feel like I’m falling into him. Tears threaten, and my heart seems to grow until I wonder if it will stay inside my chest or burst out proclaiming how I feel.
His lips gently pull back. His forehead touches mine, and he grabs both of my hands with his. “Let’s do this. Me and you. Together. Say yes.”
His voice is a husky whisper, reeling me in. I know he’s talking about us and not a working relationship. I squeeze his hands taking in all his warmth. “I don’t know how.”
He leans back, his eyes inviting. “Sure you do.”
Releasing his hands, I stand. “Look at the falls, Levi. I want to be like they are. Simply doing what they were created to do. They’re so free.”
His hands rest on my shoulders, my back is warmed by his body brushing mine. “God made us to be with him. He loves us. He, through Jesus Christ, lives in us. We are created to love.”
“I’ve loved badly.”
He rests his chin on my shoulder. “Don’t look back. Look to the future.”
A spurt of joy rushes through me. Like we could happen. “I want to, Levi, I really do.”
“You’re as free as those falls, my lady.”
Lady. I know saying my knees feel weak is so clichéd, but my knees literally feel weak. I’m glad he’s holding me. I steady myself and turn so I can face him. Once again he wraps his arms around my waist. He brushes my lips with his.
“You’re free to love, Summer.”
Love. Levi. My head is swimming with the possibilities. The possibility of a love I’ve never experienced. I watch the falls, my insides rushing like they are. Rushing into everything Levi is offering. I look straight at him. “I’m yours.”
If his smile is any indication, those two words of mine have made him more than happy. “We’re going to be great together. I know it.” Once again, his lips claim mine.
My life is never going to be the same.
Chapter Eighteen
Sam and I walk into the church. It’s Thursday already. The big night for the kids’ program is tomorrow. The kids are doing great, Sam included.
I’m not doing too bad myself. I’ve managed to be in the church four days in a row now. The building hasn’t fallen down, it hasn’t even rained. The parents seem to be pleased with the kid’s songs and the program Levi and I have put together.
“You’re going to have fun tonight,” I say to Sam.
“Where’s Levi?” he asks.
“He’ll be here soon.” I love how Sam has grown to like Levi.
“Hi, Summer.”
I turn at the sound of Rachael’s voice. She has turned out to be a friend. She always has a nice word for me; she’s always smiling. Again I think how this kind of life is what I’m looking for. What Sam needs.
“Hi, Rachael.”
“I wanted to let you know Pamela’s mom is back. She wanted to make sure she was here for the program tomorrow night, so she finished up her job early. She’ll be picking Pamela up after singing tonight.”
“Great. I look forward to meeting her. Everyone has been so nice.”
“Well, you and Levi are doing a great job with the kids. I mean how many Bible Schools get two professional musicians to teach the music portion? I think we have been truly blessed by you and Levi and your dedication to the program. Thank you.”
Gushing? I’ve heard the term, but is this what Rachael is doing? Gushing over me? And Levi, too, but I’m included.
“Thanks for letting me be a part of it. And Sam. I know he was late registering. We appreciate you finding a place for him.”
“We don’t turn anyone away from God’s house. I’ll take Sam to his class if you want to go on down and start setting up.”
I watch as Sam happily goes with Rachael, Faith and Pamela. I realize how much I’m going to miss this when I go back to California. This sense of belonging. This sense of worth that I’ve felt while being at this church these few days.
“Are you ready for our big debut?”
Levi walks into our room with a smile on his face.
“Debut? That’s what this is?”
“The first official collaboration between Levi Preston and Summer Sinclair.”
“You’re crazy.”
He walks to me and brushes his lips across mine. It’s barely a kiss, but my heart still feels it. I wish the sweet tingly feeling on my lips would last forever. “Only crazy about you.”
Levi picks up his guitar and starts strumming. Then he starts tuning. I find myself lost in watching him. I think I could watch him do something or nothing all day long.
The first group of children come into the room and bring me back to reality.
I’m amazed at the children and their love of singing. The second group does just as well, and I can’t help but be filled with a feeling of accomplishment. Not that I accomplished anything, but knowing I was a part of these children learning new songs and putting them together with hand movements, a few steps, and a desire to sing in front of all the parents tomorrow night makes my heart feel good.
“Excuse me.”
Levi and I look up from putting our equipment away. The children are gone, but there is a lady standing in the doorway.
“Yes?” Levi says.
“I’m Kara White, Pamela’s mother.”
Pamela’s mother is very stylish from her in-style bob haircut to her cute flower-printed sandals. But the look on her face is anything but stylish. In fact it puts me on edge immediately. But I don’t let the foreboding feeling deter me. “Hello. I’m Summer. Pamela has been such fun, and I’m very glad to meet you.”
Her printed sandaled foot turns sideways as her hand goes on her hip. Her expression is stern. “There’s no need to introduce yourself. I know exactly who you are, and why you were allowed to come in here and teach these children is beyond me.”
My breath hitches, and Levi steps forward.
“I think you’re mistaken,” he says. “Summer is a great teacher, and the kids love her.”
Dread washes over me. This isn’t going to be good or pretty. I see the determination on Kara White’s face. Determination and something else. Hatred? Irritation? Annoyance? Whatever it is, it isn’t good.
“There are plenty of things I don’t want her teaching my daughter,” she says to Levi. Turning to me her words seem to flow with ease. “I really don’t want you coming around her again. I have enough troubles without the influence of people like you.”
“I’m sorry …” I turn to Levi.
He puts his arm around me, pulling me to him. “You have nothing to apologize for. In fact, she should apologize to you.”
“I’d appreciate if you respect my wishes.” Her gaze doesn’t waver. She turns and exits the room, heels punching out a sharp rhythm as she makes her way down the hall.
My head is buzzing with confusion, while my heart is heavy with sadness. I knew I shouldn’t have done this. My carriage has turned back into a pumpkin. I step away from Levi and continue putting the equipment away, blinking back tears I can’t believe are pooling behind my eyes.
“Don’t let one person like that affect you.”
I hopefully choke down any emotion from my voice. “She’s right. Who do I think I am coming here, like I know God, teaching … Levi, teaching children about something I know nothing about?”
Levi stands in front on me. His expression is serious, and his eyes—deep, deep brown—stare straight at me. “You have every right to
be here. Everything you have said and done this week has been from your heart. Pamela’s mother knows nothing of what went on here. We do.”
I continue staring at him. Turning away would be like not believing what he is saying. And I want to believe. I want to pretend what other people think doesn’t matter. Doesn’t hurt. But it does. “I need to get Sam. Rachael will be waiting.”
“In a minute.” He gathers me to him. I lay my head on his chest. My arms circle his waist. Staying like this forever seems like a good idea to me. But the real world beckons. The real, cruel world. I push myself away from Levi and his warmth.
“Don’t shut down, Summer. Promise me you won’t.”
“Being real isn’t shutting down.”
“As long as you’re being the new real. Because you were never real before.”
I pick up my guitar case. “Levi. Have you ever thought maybe I’m not cut out to be fudge?”
I sit in my kitchen staring out a window into the darkness. Sam’s been fast asleep for an hour now. Rachael had tried to explain Kara’s outburst. She was a single mom, working hard. Maybe she was just a little stressed out when she came to pick Pamela up. Maybe she had a bad flight, bad traffic, bad day. But that didn’t give her the right to turn on me.
I take another bite of my orange sherbet. The situation at the church is one I would love to be able to discuss with my mother. With Valentine. Shoot, with somebody. But Levi is the only one I can talk with regarding issues of the heart.
A wounded heart, no less.
I slide off the stool and grab my empty bowl. Before I can take a step Sam is standing in the doorway of the kitchen. I notice what Sam is holding in his hand. A prescription bottle.
Setting the bowl back down I rush over to Sam. “Where did you get this?” I grab the bottle and the lid skitters to the floor. I scour the label. My name, my old sleeping pills.
“I founded it under my bed.”
I stare at him. His voice doesn’t sound right. “Sam, did you eat this? Any of this?” I hold the bottle in front of him. It’s half full. My hands are shaking, and I’m having trouble with the breathing process. Please say no!
“I eated some.”
Oh, God. Help! Help! What do I do?
“Mother, I need you!” I scoop Sam up, running into the living room. Grabbing my purse I fly out the front door. I have to get to the hospital.
Now.
“Why didn’t you call me sooner?”
I turn at the sound of Levi’s voice. It only takes seconds before my face is against his chest, hot tears running rivers down my cheeks. I don’t guess he expects an answer. His arms are wrapped around me, his hands trying to comfort me as they gently run up and down my back.
As the tears stop I pull away, stepping back from Levi. “I don’t know what to do. The doctors have only come out once. I don’t know what’s happening.”
“Why don’t you start by telling me what happened. Why are you here? Especially in here?”
He is referring to the room. It’s a private patient room. I’ve commandeered it as I wait for news on Sam. “I don’t want anyone to see me. Oh, I don’t even know what is going on. I was eating sherbet, and Sam came into the kitchen holding a bottle of pills. My prescription pills. I haven’t had anything like that in this house ever. I don’t know how he got them. He said they were under the bed, but I don’t know how—”
“Pills? Your pills? He took some?”
“I don’t know. He said he ‘eated’ some. The doctors are trying to figure it out now. They won’t let me back there.”
He shakes his head. “How could this happen?”
I sit on the edge of the bed. “I don’t know. Like I said, I haven’t had one bottle of pills in that house. I was clean when I came here.”
“Could they have been in something you brought with you? Maybe in an old pocket?”
I want to lay down on the bed, close my eyes and wake up in a few hours to find this is all a terrible nightmare.
Tears fill my eyes again. “I don’t know.” My voice comes out in a whisper because it’s all I have left inside.
Levi leans against the wall, crossing one sneakered foot over the other. His head lightly bangs against the wall a couple of times before looking at me. “You’re going to have to know something. Do you realize what could be involved in all this? The police, child services maybe? Summer, you have got to get some answers.”
His voice is harsh. Harsher than I’ve ever heard it. I thought Levi would be my anchor. I thought he would stand by me. He appears to be travelling in the opposite direction. Especially now that his hand is on the doorknob.
Don’t leave.
“I’m going to get something to drink. Why don’t you try and compartmentalize your thoughts so when the people who count talk to you, you will have something cohesive to say besides ‘I don’t know.’”
Levi bolts out of the room before I can fully comprehend his sentence. Oh, how right he is. People will be coming to talk to me. People will be wanting to know what happened. How Sam got the pills.
I feel like throwing up. Giving up. How can I ever think I could be a good mother? I can’t keep track of anything.
The door opens, and I jump. I sit back down when I see it’s only my mother. I almost forgot she was here. She disappeared a while ago.
“What’s the God guy doing here? Did you call him? Your boyfriend to the rescue?”
I nod my head. “Yes. I called him.”
“Why? There’s nothing he can do. Obviously he agrees if he’s leaving so soon.”
“He’s not leaving. He’s getting something to drink.”
“I wish I would have known. I could use something myself.”
“I thought that’s where you were? Where have you been?”
“I just walked up the hall. I had to make a call.”
The gray walls close in tighter. “Who did you have to call?”
“We need to quit playing games. You know exactly who I called.”
Todd. “Mother, why?”
“He’s Sam’s father. He deserves to know what’s going on.”
I stand, my blood pounding hard through my body. “What could you possibly tell him? Because I don’t even know what’s going on.”
“There are some facts. That’s all I relayed.” Her eyes avoid mine.
“Facts?”
“Sam had a pill bottle, he said he ate some. Just the facts.”
The pounding of blood eases as defeat settles in. I don’t even look up as the door opens again.
“Here. I thought you might like some water.”
I look up at Levi. I take the water and relish the coolness as it flows down my throat. I don’t even let Levi’s dark brown eyes trouble me as I drink.
“There is another problem,” he says.
“Yeah, my mother’s here.”
He glances at my mother. Neither of them smile, and I’m not sure if my joke fell flat or if the situation just doesn’t warrant any comic relief.
Levi’s expression is serious. “The lobby is full of media people. The news stations are camped in the lobby.”
My first impulse it to cry, but I can’t cry anymore. The crying river has run dry. I will be found out, I will not get my son back. Reality sets in. I don’t deserve him. He’s in much better hands with Todd. Todd can shoot baskets and BB-guns. I bet he can even skip rocks.
My mother collapses into the only chair. “This is it. You’ve done it now. This fiasco is going to be plastered all over the television and papers. Meghan Cascade won’t be interested in doing another interview.”
She rolls her eyes and sighs like her statement should bring me down. Like I should care about Meghan Cascade at this moment in my life.
“I think Summer needs to focus on how Sam got the pills,” Levi says.
I rub my temples. “I’ve been retracing everything. Even if I left them in a suitcase or a pocket, all those things are in my closet. Sam would have had to rummage through the
re, and I don’t think he’s been near my closet.”
“If you’ve been taking sleeping pills,” my mother starts, “you should just admit it. Come clean now. We’ll understand. Life is hard.”
“I haven’t taken anything!”
As my mother flinches I realize my voice is louder than I intended it to be. Why am I so defensive?
The door creaks as it opens. We all turn our heads, and I’m relieved when the doctor comes in the room. I set my water down and rush to him.
“How’s Sam? What did you find?”
He holds his palm up. “Calm down, Ms. Sinclair. We have good news. It appears Sam may have put one of the pills in his mouth, but he didn’t swallow any. I’m sure the bitter taste caused him to spit it out. He’s fine and ready to go, but you may want to put these in a safer place.”
He hands me the bottle of pills. I roll them around in my palm not wanting to look at them. “Where’s Sam?”
“The nurse is bringing him in here. He had to go to the bathroom.”
“Do I need to sign any papers?”
“You should have signed everything already. You are free to go.”
Free. Ha. With the media frenzy down below. “Thank you.”
Within moments the nurse brings Sam into the room. I pick him up and hug him tight.
“Mommy.” He lays his head on my shoulder. Tears run down my cheeks. The river apparently isn’t dried up.
“We need a plan,” Levi says. “And I’m the master. You stay here, and let me see how we can escape out of this place.” The door swooshes quietly as he leaves.
I try not to dwell on Levi’s voice. His tone. Something’s changed. I know it has. Tension reigns in the room as I wait with my mother. I’m angry that she called Todd. She’s definitely not on my side. For some insane reason, she wants me to fail. Fail at this attempt I’m making to actually be a good person and an even better mother.
Maybe we don’t have the same perspective as to what constitutes success and failure.
The door opens, and Levi walks in. “Look who I found.”
“Hi, Summer.”
I’m really not surprised see Blake Anthony, but I am surprised Levi has brought him to me.
“Summer, isn’t this that reporter? God guy, what are you doing bringing him here? Don’t we have enough troubles as it is?” She turns toward me. “I wonder about these people you’re calling friends. They seem more like enemies.”
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