by Jordan Marie
The other thing I’m dealing with is this house of cards I’m building with Carrie. I’m not sleeping. I take a nap through the day so I can function. Carrie believes I sleep when she does. I haven’t been able to manage that. Ever since Dragon confronted me about my dreams, I have this big knot of fear inside of me. I don’t want anyone else to know about the …about my attack. No one, but especially not Carrie, I can’t handle her knowing. The thought literally makes me break out in a cold sweat.
She also thinks I’m going to therapy twice a week. I hide out in a hotel on old State Route 25 and sleep for a couple of hours instead. I’m not about to share those memories with anyone, but especially some jerk in a suit who knows shit about the real world.
I’m not stupid. I know that eventually the cards will fall. I’ll face that day when it comes. In the meantime, I’m doing everything I can to fix it so Carrie won’t leave me when she discovers the truth. I need her to be so deep in this thing with me, she won’t ever think of leaving.
At times, I’m almost like I was before I went to jail. I know that’s because Carrie is in my life. She shines light in the darkness and fills up some of the emptiness which threatens to swallow me whole. I need her to function.
At least Dragon and the club have become less tense with the threat gone. Seems the fucking idiot panicked when Dragon had Freak made sure his assets were tied up. So his big scheme was to blow up Carrie, me and himself all at once to get revenge for his son’s death. Funny, how the mighty fall when they don’t have money to back their asses up.
These thoughts filter through my brain as I pull into the house that Carrie and I have been living in. Dragon offered it to us after I let him know I wouldn’t be living at the club. He didn’t question me about it. I think he was afraid to rock the boat after our last blow up.
Carrie told me it is the one that Nicole and Dani rented when they first got to town. I like it. It’s bigger than the safe house, closer to the club and it suits Carrie. She’s happy. I see it in the way she smiles and that’s all that matters. I need her happy. If she’s happy, she’s less likely to leave, so this house is essential to my plan.
I walk in the back door that leads into a kitchen. The house is quiet, which is unusual. Carrie normally has music blasting while she’s getting supper together. Maybe she’s taking a nap. All of the excitement has worn her out and she’s having trouble catching back up. It doesn’t help that I wake her up all night long to fuck her senseless. That thought makes me smile as I enter the living room. Carrie is asleep on the couch, looking like an angel. No she is an angel. My angel. She’s saving me and doesn’t even know it.
I bend down to kiss her lips, pulling away to watch her slowly wake up.
“Hey, Care Bear.”
Her eyes open slowly, those sparkling emeralds drawing me in yet again.
“I love you,” she whispers and it hits me sweet like it always does. She says it more often these days. The first time she said it, I can remember a feeling of panic and now…now if she doesn’t say it, I panic. I need those three words from her to know she is still mine.
I kiss her lips soaking in the words.
“You okay, Care Bear?”
“I wasn’t feeling good. I’m okay though,” She says her hand caressing the side of my face. She moves her fingers along the stubble of my beard. I keep it trimmed small, because she seems to like it, so I refuse to shave.
“Carrie, you’ve been sick for a week. You better get to the doctor.”
“I made an appointment.”
I fight down the fear at the thought of Carrie being sick. Things have been going too smooth. I’ve been able to keep the nightmares hid from her, I’m behaving almost normal and I have her. That’s more than I dreamed, so I know I shouldn’t get too comfortable.
“How about you and I hop on my bike and go get some food, maybe pick up some takeout and drive down to the marina?”
She studies me for a second and gives me a soft smile. Those might be my favorite of the smiles she gives. They are sleepy and full of feeling.
“I’d like that.”
“Good, let’s get out of here.”
*
WE DRIVE DOWN to the Tasty Freeze Dairy Bar and order a couple burgers and fries. I get a couple of canned sodas and put it all in the bags on the back of my bike. I like having Carrie on my bike. We fit and move like one, as if we’ve been riding together for years. It feels…right.
We drive down to the marina and find an empty picnic table looking out over the boats and water.
“It really is beautiful here,” Carrie says placing our food out on the table. I put the sodas down and grab a seat across from her.
“I like to come here and think. It helps to clear my mind. It makes me feel closer to Jazz. You two used to love to play here and feed the ducks and fish.”
I see a look in Carrie’s eyes and I know she’s remembering the night I tried to end it all, but she doesn’t push me about it. She’s my safe zone, at least that’s how she makes me feel.
“I remember, but I have a confession.”
“What’s that? I say and take a bite of my burger.
I watch as she twirls a French fry in the ketchup seeming to think about her words. Then she looks up at me with this impish smile on her face.
“We hated fishing. We only wanted to spend the day with you,” she laughs popping the fry in her mouth.
I stop mid-bite, watching her and can tell that she is completely serious.
“You used to harass me for hours to take you fishing.”
She swallows down her food and grins.
“You’d follow me around and whine until I crumbled.”
“You really were so easy, Jacob. Putty in our little five and six year old hands,” She says with a grin, taking another bite.
“I can’t believe you. I even bought you those matching Barbie fishing rods!”
She pauses, staring off into space like she’s thinking about something, “Actually I think it was a Sleeping Beauty fishing rod.”
“Same thing,” I dismiss.
“Totally not, though to be honest I would have rather had the Spiderman.”
“Get out of town.”
“Nope, I am not a girly girl.”
“Princess, this is the first time I can remember you not having a dress on in forever, you most certainly are a girly-girl—whatever the hell that is.”
“Well maybe about some things, but not most.”
“Name one,” I dare here watching her eat. How can a woman eating be sexy? Seems impossible, but somehow Carrie pulls it off.
“Well, I went through a scene from a bad James Bond film and didn’t fall completely apart,” she says, continuing to eat.
“Bad James Bond film?”
She puts her burger down and licks the ketchup off her lips and starts counting holding up a finger for each new item.
“I was held at gun point. I withstood flying bullets, people dying, a house explosion, fire, having someone I care about get hurt…see? Not girly-girl or I’d be in a corner crying somewhere. Well either that, or a padded cell.”
I nod in agreement, thinking over her words. I feel a twinge of jealousy when she mentions caring about Bull, hell maybe she means Crusher. I hate that it bothers me, but it does.
I look down pretending to eat, avoiding eye contact.
“Oh no. What’s that look for Jacob Blake?”
“Nothing,” I answer, not about to admit it. I concentrate instead on my food.
“You don’t get to do that now.”
I look up and she’s focused on me and the look on her face says she’s not going to let this pass.
“Just thinking maybe you would have been happier if you ended up with Crush or Bull,” I try and shrug it off, dropping my food on the table. My appetite is gone. I sack up my garbage, refusing to look her in the face. A greasy, wadded up paper hits me in the face. I look over at her.
“What was that for?”
> “For being stupid,” She says and her eyes are sparking with anger. She gets up and starts walking away.
“Where in the hell are you going?”
“Anywhere away from you,” She tosses back at me, but she doesn’t bother to turn around or stop. I get up and take off after her.
“Carrie, damn it.”
She’s walking along the concrete pathway by the lake.
“We’re on my bike! Are you planning on walking all the way home?” I yell aggravated.
“If I have to! Who knows maybe someone will pick me up along the side of the road and we’ll fall madly in love! I’m stupid like that. I can fall in love with man after man. Heck! Sometimes I fall in love with three a day!”
She’s screaming and it’s a nice evening, so the marina is not empty. People are staring at her likes she’s crazy. There’s nothing about our situation funny, but I can’t help the smile that breaks out on my face. I increase my pace and catch her, grab her arm and turn her around to me. The smile on my face dies when I see the tears in her eyes and how pale her face looks.
“I’m sorry Care Bear, it was a stupid thing to say.”
She pushes the hair away from her face and tugs until I let her go. I bury my hands in my pockets to keep from picking her up and carrying her away.
“I won’t do this with you anymore, Jacob. I can’t. If you don’t understand by now how much I love you? How much I’ve bent over backwards for you and swallowed your hateful words? Damn it! If you don’t get it by now, you’re never going to and I’m tired of banging my head against a brick wall! It hurts! I don’t understand what else I’m supposed to do so that you finally get it!”
“Get what, Care Bear?”
“That I love you! You and only you, Jacob Blake! I am not five years old, with a case of puppy love for the older boy! I am here now! I know you’re riddled with problems and God knows there’s nothing perfect about you! I get it! I live with it every day and I’m still here!”
I listen to her words. My heart picks up in beat. I want to believe in her…I think I’m starting to.
“You got to know that doesn’t sound like you love me. It doesn’t even sound like you like me, Princess.”
She stops her tirade and turns her head to the side like she thinks I am insane and hell maybe I am.
“I told you I’m not a girly-girl.”
“No, you’re mine,” I tell her and I almost believe it.
Chapter 30
Carrie
I AM LYING in bed as the front door closes. Jacob’s headed to the club. He thinks I’m clueless to the secrets he’s keeping. I’m not. I know he’s not sleeping when he’s in our bed. Worse, the therapist called the house a couple of weeks ago wondering if Jacob had found other services. He had missed his scheduled appointments and failed to respond to their calls and letters. He’s been lying to me, saying he’s going to therapy.
I need to talk to him about all of this. I’ve been afraid to rock the boat, so I’ve let it go. I let a lot of things go. Most notably the fact that I am pregnant. I went to the doctor yesterday. I thought I had a vitamin problem because I’m just so tired all the time. I’m not. I’m pregnant. I. Am. Pregnant.
Yeah I keep telling myself that over and over and it’s still not totally sinking in. My hand moves over my stomach which is still flat of course, but I swear I can almost feel a warmth that has never been there before. I have Jacob’s baby inside of me. Jacob’s baby! I don’t know anything about being a mom. I don’t even have my mom to lean on to show me the ropes. I’m scared.
I lock down that thought before it blossoms. I’ve done that since my parents died. I can’t think about it, not right now. I can’t handle it! I’ll tackle it all later. That’s been my motto. At first it was, I’ll deal with it all after Dragon finds the man who hurt us. Now it’s after I get everything better with Jacob. I know it’s not healthy. I do. I just can’t seem to stop myself.
Like right now. I’m terrified of how Jacob will react. I should have told him the truth yesterday. I couldn’t bring myself to. I love him. I love him completely. These last six weeks have been the best in my life, even with all the other stuff going on around us. I don’t want to lose him and I’m terrified this might do it. Jacob hasn’t mentioned the future. I know he wants me with him. I feel like I’m helping him. He’s more open with me than I imagined he would be. He doesn’t say, but I know he wants to hear me tell him I love him. He gets this look in his eyes when I give him the words. I can’t explain it, but it feels like for a minute or two I might bring him peace and I want that. I want to do that for him.
I get up, shower and let thoughts run through my brain while I wash my hair. I could go to the garage and surprise Jacob. The Tahoe is out there. Jacob insists I keep one to get around during the day. I should buy a car. I have all this money just sitting in an account that I haven’t really touched. It was my parents but using the money somehow makes their deaths seem real. Which is stupid, you can’t get any more real than dead. Still, that’s what I think about every time I start to spend it.
I should take lessons from Nicole or Dani when dealing with this stuff. I want to be Jacob’s for life, not just for now. I didn’t think that was possible, but it’s been months since we first made love and it has been six weeks since we’ve been completely together, so I’m starting to hope. That’s nothing to sneeze at right? Surely in all that time I’ve come to mean something to Jacob. A man like that doesn’t just come home to one woman—the same woman, unless she’s special. I may be new to all this, but I have read a lot and I’ve seen how Nicole and Dragon are with each other and even Six and Vida (it’s getting harder and harder to think of her as Lips).
I should take a page out of Nicole’s book. She wouldn’t hide this and worry about how Dragon would react. She would face it all head on. I need to do that. If I am going to be the woman of a Savage MC member I need to start facing things and not hiding from them.
Decision made, I finish my shower and head downstairs to find something to eat. I grab a quick piece of toast and juice. I’m not a breakfast person, but that seems like something an expectant mother should do. I go a step further and make a basket of tuna salad sandwiches, chips and pickles for lunch. Not gourmet, but it works and Jacob and I can spend lunch together.
The only moment of indecision I have is dressing. Jacob made a comment about my jeans yesterday. I think he liked them and I do love being on his bike. Still, dresses are who I am and they are comfortable. Plus, I don’t know, maybe it’s good to have something loose against my stomach? I have no idea. I make a note to stop by the bookstore in town on the way and grab that pregnancy book the doctor recommended.
I finally decide to put on my sage green sundress with the little pink roses on it. Jacob likes it. Well, he liked taking it off of me the last time I wore it.
I make it to the club around noon and head straight for the garage that Jacob has been working in. Freak is standing out front talking with Nikki and Frog.
“Hey, Red. What are you doing here looking so gorgeous? Dancer ever drops the ball baby you’re going to have to give me a chance,” Frog says with this big smile. I shake my head at his words, but laugh when Freak slaps him on the back of the head.
“Ignore him Red, he forgot his brains in his ass. You lookin’ for Dance?”
“Yeah I thought I might steal him away for lunch.”
“He just took a break from work. You can catch him in the club though.”
I smile, trying to hold on to the courage that brought me here. Nikki might have seen I was wavering, even if she didn’t know what was going on, because she grabs my hand.
“We’ll go in together. I need to check with Nicole on something.”
Freak pulls her back to him before we can leave and slams his lips against hers in a kiss that is so intense and carnal you can feel the heat just from watching it.
“Behave yourself, stud,” Nikki breathes against his lips when they break apart.
“Remember my promise, woman.”
Nikki licks her lips, but doesn’t say anything else. I bite my tongue to keep from asking what the promise was!
Then she grabs my hand and pulls me along to the club.
“Things seem to be going good with Freak.”
“Girl, you have no idea. I’ll tell you some time though, just bring a fan,” she says with a laugh, wiggling her eyebrows in mock suggestion. We’re both laughing as we open the doors.
It takes a minute for my eyes to adjust from the bright sunshine to the darkness of the room. When it does, the laughter clogs in my throat.
Jacob is sitting at the bar with Tash, a club Twinkie in his lap. They’re laughing. Her hand is playing with his hair while she drags a finger down the side of his face teasing his lips. She’s dressed like the Twinkies always are, almost naked. Today though her white, see-through shirt and clearly no bra or panties, seems worse. It is worse, because she’s in the lap of my man. She’s in his lap and he’s not pushing her away. Instead his hand is on her thigh. Sure the shirt is between his touch and her skin, but he is holding her thigh! He is letting her sit in his lap! He is…laughing with her! I thought I was the only one who made him laugh! I thought I was…the only one.