I walk over to the water cooler and fill a paper cup. I have to do this repeatedly to quench my thirst. She offered me a mug when I walked in, but I don’t know how well it’s been cleaned. I crush the cup in my hand and toss it in the wastebasket before returning to my chair.
“I feel angry and betrayed,” I say, finally answering her question. “I feel as if my whole life with Ryley has been one big lie, and I’m not sure if I can ever shake that feeling.”
“But you trust her?”
My head moves slowly up and down, as if it’s unsure of my answer. “I do trust her, more than anything, but I can’t wrap my head around why she’d go to Nate.”
“Evan, sometimes love has an odd way of working around pain.”
I lean forward and look her square in the eye. “What about my pain? What about my agony? Who’s going to nurse my heartbreak? How come these thoughts weren’t going through either of their heads when they started betraying me like this? How come he wasn’t scouring the ends of the earth looking for me? Someone knew we were alive out there, and no one came.”
She picks up her pen and scribbles on her notepad. I don’t even care what she’s writing. I just want to be done so I can go drown my sorrows at Magoo’s. At least my favorite bartender is still working, Slick Rick. Thank God some things never change.
“Do you feel like Ryley betrayed you?”
“Yes.” My words sting, but they’re the truth.
“DID YOU CALL HIM?”
I finish off my water and set the glass on the table beside the couch. My fingers linger on the wood. The table feels worn and old. The wood is rough and in need of refinishing. I imagine it’s from years of water stains and wet tissues being left there from the many sessions before mine.
That’s how my life feels right now, worn and old. The vibrancy I once knew is no longer there. I’m reduced to memories, hard stares and what if’s. I spend most of my time with my arms crossed, holding in my heart because I know it’s going to burst out of my chest any moment now. Bringing up these memories is painful.
I shake my head. “I tried, but I think when you’re sixteen and you’ve just been mesmerized by someone who, in your mind, is the epitome of a romance novel character, you become tongue-tied. I picked up the phone many times and pressed six of the seven digits needed, but could never press the last one. Each time I’d put my phone back on its cradle, held my head in my hands and chided myself for being stupid. He gave me his number. He wants me to call. That’s what I told myself over and over again.
“Before I knew it, it was dark, and I was still sitting on the edge of my bed with my pink phone laughing at me, the boxes in my room mocking me. My knees had been bent for so long they screamed in agony when I moved. I had chickened out and convinced myself that Evan was just a dream. That Evan Archer didn’t exist, even though my heart knew he did.
“The next day was my first day of school. I should’ve been excited, but I wasn’t. The only thing I wanted to do was get through my day, act like I didn’t exist and rush home to sit on my bed and try calling Evan. My plan was to call while he was still at school, wherever that was, and leave a message. That way I didn’t have to talk to anyone, especially his mom. I don’t know why, but the thought of asking for her son to come to the phone scared the ever-loving daylights out of me.
“Being the new kid in school was something I was used to. My mom’s job moved us a lot, so fitting in was a piece of cake. I knew the routine: keep your head held high, smile and never sit in the front of the class. That was actually the first thing I learned. You never want to come off as too eager to learn and be the teacher’s pet. My first class of the day was AP Honors English. I chose the fourth seat in the third row. I remember I had to look busy so as not to draw attention to myself, but I looked to my left when the seat next to me shifted.
“I was met with those ocean blue eyes and a smile that made me forget my name. Only it wasn’t Evan. It took me a moment to realize the similarities between Evan and Nate, but once I did, there wasn’t anything stopping my verbal vomit.”
“‘You look just like your brother.’” I blurted out the words with such embarrassment, but he didn’t care. His eyes shone with humor, and he laughed. I wasn’t sure what he found so funny because I felt like an idiot for saying what I did. Siblings often look like each other, but Evan and Nate were almost too similar. I was too wrapped up in Evan the night before to realize that they’re twins. They weren’t the first set of twins I’ve met, but Evan and Nate were different. They weren’t identical because you could tell them apart, but from a distance, you’d never know who was coming at you. Both are tall with dark hair and beautiful blue eyes, but when they were side by side, you could tell them apart. Evan has the most adorable dimples and Nate has a slightly crooked nose from breaking it during football. Where Evan has straight hair, Nate’s is wavy and the girls in school always loved his hair. Nate was always skinnier than Evan too, even though they worked out the same. Evan could put on muscle like he was taping it to himself. I know that upset Nate.
“‘We’re twins, and you just made the other me very happy.” Nate said this with such excitement. It dawned on me quickly that Evan was in this school with me, and that I’d see him.
“‘Why’s that?’” I hadn’t a clue what I was doing, but Nate seemed to appreciate that. He pulled out his cell phone and an instant wave of envy washed over me. I wanted a cell phone, but my father wouldn’t allow it. I thought for sure with us living off base and me attending a public school, he’d get me one. It didn’t matter how much I pouted, he said no each time.
“‘Evan has been pacing by the phone waiting for you to call. He’s going to be outside that door when the bell rings now that he knows you’re here.’” My eyes went instantly to the door and to the clock, back and forth until the big-hand was on the seven. I thought that I was going to burst out of my chair when the bell rang, but I didn’t. Somehow I moved with such precision and calmness that I was the last one out of the class.”
“Was Evan there waiting for you?” she asks with just as much excitement as Nate had that day in his voice.
“He was. When I walked out of the classroom he was standing across from me. His leg was bent with his foot pressed up against the locker. His hand was resting on his bent leg, his books resting on his thigh. He beckoned me with his finger, and I moved toward him as if he was pulling me by a string. I thought, ‘Wow, a real-life James Dean, and he wants to talk to me.’
“‘You didn’t call.’”
”’I chickened out.’”
I shake my head, pulling my bottom lip into my mouth. I sigh, remembering my first day of school. “I couldn’t believe I had just said that, but he didn’t care. His eyes were soft and welcoming. Evan was an easy one to read, a very open book. His hand sought out mine, his fingers weaving, locking us in place. He was holding my hand again, a thought that I couldn’t even begin to put into words.”
“‘Can I walk you to your next class?’”
“Did you let him?” she asks, almost too eager to hear our love story.
I stand and take my empty glass to the water cooler. Right now I feel brave enough to talk about Evan when we were in high school. I don’t want to talk about Evan and the past six years though. Those memories are painful. I fill my glass and walk back to the once royal blue couch and sit down. I tuck my legs up underneath me and rest my arm on the side. My fingers pick at the threads that have come loose.
“I did, every day until he graduated. He was seventeen when we met and starting his senior year.”
“When was your first date?”
“Technically that day. He asked me to stay after school until his football practice was over so he could walk me home. I was afraid my dad would be upset with a strange boy walking with me, but it was a risk I was willing to take. I’m a romantic at heart and believe in love at first sight. I was in love with Evan Archer, and if he asked me to jump off a bridge for him I probably would’ve d
one it.”
“That’s extreme, Ryley. Are you always that intense with your emotions?”
“It’s how he made me feel. The sun was brighter. The clouds were bigger. The birds even sang louder once I met him. I know not everyone has that experience, but I did. He was like my daily dose of life.”
“Interesting. Please continue with your first date.”
I nod. This lady doesn’t forget anything. “Our first date happened while he was walking me home. He kept apologizing for hitting me with the football and asked if he could make it up to me. I wasn’t going to tell him ‘no’ so we stopped at this little ice cream shop. He asked if he could order for me, and I told him that would be fine. I went and picked a table for us to sit. When he came to the table, he asked me to close my eyes. Of course, I did. What I didn’t expect was for him to feed me the first bite followed by our first kiss.
“Evan placed the spoon at my lips, and I opened my mouth. The chocolate and raspberry combination was heaven. I knew right away what he had chosen. But the best part was when he replaced the spoon with his lips. My cold lips met his…” my fingers run softly over my lower lip as I remember the feeling of him being there. “Do you know how people say certain emotions cause you to see fireworks?”
The therapist nods.
“I was the firework. I was the butterfly. I was every analogy you could think of. I didn’t see stars. I became the star. My first kiss was everything it was meant to be and more.”
“I WANT TO SHIFT gears and talk about some happier times for you.”
“Okay,” I reply, picking up the chair that I had knocked over. I lean over and clutch the arm rest as my mind pictures them splintering apart from my grip. I want to break everything in my sight, or shoot something and watch as the bullet rips through and decimates its framework. She makes me want to talk, even if it’s against my will. I don’t know if it’s her voice or the fact that I know Ryley was here earlier, sitting in this same room and answering the same questions that allow the words to flow freely through my lips.
My thoughts drift to the couch, and I find myself wondering if Ryley sat there or in this chair. Did she lie down and relax? Or sit rigid like me? It’s been so long since I’ve been in a room with her I don’t want to think about how she’s changed. I know she’s not the same woman I left behind, and I can’t deny that I want the same girl I fell in love with. I want her to run into my arms and tell me that everything is going to be okay even though I was the one always saying those words to her.
“Tell me about the time you met Ryley.”
I chuckle and release the armrests, walking around to the front of the chair. I sit down with a huff. “She didn’t tell you?”
The therapist sets her pen down and clasps her hands together. She smiles lightly, telling me that yes Ryley did, in fact, fill her in. I love that the way we met brings a smile to a stranger’s face. Yes, the woman across from me is a stranger, regardless of what she’s learned from Ryley. It’s a story I love to tell though, so I’m happy to oblige.
“Evan, you know I can’t tell you what Ryley and I discussed today, and I’ll be honest, I’ll likely use some of the information I learned earlier to see where you’re at.” She leans back, allowing her chair to rock back and forth. “I’ve been a couple’s therapist for years now and while it can be frustrating, it can also be rewarding. When Ryley presented your case I knew that I’d have to do a different approach and that time was of the essence.”
My eyes drop down when she brings up time. I know that there’s a time limit, that Ryley is being pressured. I didn’t ask her to bring us here, but I’m not going to lie; if this works I’ll be grateful. I also know she’s set to walk down the aisle shortly and everything in me is telling me that I’ll be there to stop it. She’s supposed to be marrying me, not him. It’s never been him.
“Evan, are you still with me?”
I look up quickly and blink away the vision of Ryley in a white dress carrying a bouquet of her favorite flowers, her arm locked inside of her father’s as they walk down the carpeted floor to where I should be waiting for her. I don’t want to know how this daydream plays out because I could very well not be standing there waiting for her. It could be Nate and if that’s the case I’m either dead again, or I’ve lost her. I know she feels that she lost me and if I could, I’d go back and change history. But I can’t. All I can do is provide her with the answers I have and maybe together we can put the puzzle pieces back together and see if we still fit.
“Yeah, sorry.” I clear my throat and sit up a bit straighter. “When I met Ryley I was this cocky teen who thought my shit didn’t stink, but boy was I wrong. I never had any trouble getting a girlfriend, and I really never wanted one, but the girls flocked to me and I let them until I met Ry.
“The guys and I were hanging out at the park playing a little football, when for some reason I cocked my arm back and threw this long pass.” I imitate the throwing motion much to the therapist’s surprise. Her eyes go wide as she bring her hands up in front of her face as if she’s going to catch my pass. For the first time, I laugh at the humor present in the room.
“Sorry,” I say as I bring my arm back down to my side. I rub my hands on my pants and remember the day I was graced with Ryley entering my life.
“‘Holy shit, what the hell did you do, Archer?’” I stood in the open field with my mouth agape, ignoring the condescending voice behind me. When I let the ball free from my hand I knew it was going to sail over everyone’s head, but I had no idea it would land across the street and knock someone out. I remember I said ‘shit’ as I saw her fall to the ground. I thought my dad was going to kill me for hitting her with the football. The last thing I wanted was for him to come down on my ass and threaten military school. That was his answer to everything. He went, so he figured his sons needed the same education.
“The closer I got, the faster time slowed down. I’ve never felt time stop and I’ve never seen a ripple, but I swear that’s what happened. I knelt down in front of my poor, unsuspecting victim and touched her arm. I teetered at the zap that coursed through my arm when my fingers touched her skin. Still to this day, I know I can feel the residual pain.
“Her hair, it was red from the sunlight and covering her face. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that once she moved her hair, I’d be done for.
“As soon as she looked at me, even though it was through one eye because her hand was concealing the damage that I had done, I swallowed hard. My father was going to kill me, but death was going to be my reprieve because she was an angel and was definitely going to be my demise. When I pulled her hand away from her angelic face, my shoulders slumped. I had hurt her.
“I remember looking back at the guys, each one of them standing on the sideline, half of them without shirts on and the only thing going through my mind was that I didn’t want her to see them. I wanted her to only see me. They started yelling for me to throw the football back. ‘Stupid assholes,’ I said after throwing it back across the street. I wasn’t ready to leave so I knelt back down in front of this goddess that I tried to kill and tried, for the life of me, to smile sexy.
“‘Shit, babe, I’ve gone and messed up your pretty face.’” Of course the first words she ever heard me say were cuss words. I should’ve kicked myself in the nuts. I was such a fumbling fool in those moments, but the one thing I did that felt right was take her hand in mine. The intense feeling I had when I touched her earlier was much stronger. I never wanted to let go.”
I cover my face and fight the emotions coursing through me. “The moment I saw her, I was a goner. No one else existed or could even hold a candle to what Ryley meant to me. Anyway, I took her over to meet the guys and ended up playing like crap the rest of the day. We called the game early because I wasn’t into it. I just wanted to sit with her and find out what made her tick. I wanted to walk her home that night, but she said her parents wouldn’t like it. I hated watching her leave, but she assured me she’d be
fine. For the first time ever, I wrote my number on a girl’s hand. I ran home, even though Nate and I drove that day. I don’t think I had ever run that fast in my life, but I needed to be home waiting, when she called.
“My brother found me in the morning slumped over with my head resting on my arms next to the telephone.”
“But fate intervened.”
“Ah yeah, fate was something fantastic the next day when Nate texted and told me that she was in his class. That was my second chance, and I wasn’t going to mess it up. I didn’t know what I was doing, it was almost unchartered territory for me, but I was going to give it the ole Boy Scout try.”
“What exactly?”
I adjust in my seat, but don’t even try to hide the smile appearing on my face. “I was going to woo the girl and make her mine. I was going to work to show her that I wasn’t some dumb jock who couldn’t control his throwing arm. I was going to show Ryley that I was worth the bruise she was proudly displaying.”
“And how were you going to do that, Evan?”
“With ice cream, of course.”
THE THERAPIST SHUFFLES SOME papers on her desk. She knows I’m lost in thought remembering my first kiss with Evan. My first best kiss, the one kiss to leave me speechless. It was my secret and no one would know that the very dreamy Evan Archer was my first kiss. However, in my head, I was screaming it from the rooftops. Yes, that was my best secret first kiss.
I need a break, mentally at least. I stand, walk over to the window and see Lois’ car in the same place she parked it earlier. It’s somewhat calming to know that she’s on the other side of the door waiting for me. My eyes drift over to the park, and there sits Evan on the bench facing the window. He doesn’t look up, but maybe if I pound on the glass he will. I know he’s hurting. Our lives have been turned upside down and ripped apart too many times to count. He hates that he doesn’t have the answers to solve our problems. No one does. I’m not even sure why I’m here. What is she going to say or do to give me the solution I need? Everything’s a mess.
Here With Me (The Archer Brothers #1) Page 3